Youre Worthy of Being Loved Falling in Love With Myself Again

[Music]

i grew up in a very small town

my parents were very protective of me

but they did not really get along with

each other i was raised by my

grandparents

but my parents loved me you know the

kind of love

that suffocates you and

they were all about me i mean i’d like

to believe that

they actually loved me except they never

said it out loud

my father is a mathematician

and naturally he expected me to be just

like him i mean the apple can’t fall

too far from the tree right but little

did he know

this was a different orchard altogether

he homeschooled me and he would often

say things like

you don’t even understand this simple

problem you’re too stupid to be my

daughter

and i believed him i genuinely believed

that i wasn’t worthy of his affection

because i was not good at math

i was not into math and sciences if you

can’t already tell

i loved languages i had a passion for

languages and i loved stories

i read a lot of fiction i started

writing poem

at the age of 12 not really my best

works but it was a lot of fun

when my father was building this world

of

co-signs and pie around me i was

building characters in my head

i loved building characters

when he wasn’t around i would be whoever

i wanted to be

fast forward 10 years i fell in love

but i was soon made to realize that i am

not really the wife material

because to code cardi b

i don’t cook i don’t clean and i don’t

really

deserve the ring because

that’s expected of you

in order to be a good wife you have to

know these certain things

so i believed that i didn’t deserve

to be loved i didn’t deserve to be

someone’s

wife fast forward another

three years i fell in love once again

and this time i was made to realize

that i don’t look like a las vegas girl

i don’t have the look i don’t have full

lips i don’t have

breasts and hips and all that i’m very

petite

and i was offered money to get them done

i refused i mean clearly

but i believed that i am

never gonna find love because i’m not

worthy of it i’m not

perfect in any way

you know brene brown once said one day

you will tell your story of how you

overcame what you went through

and it will be someone else’s survival

guide

now she believes in telling our tales

she believes in the power of

vulnerability because there is something

to it right

once we talk about the things that we’ve

been through it somehow empowers us

sets us free

i realized my according to my therapist

i was struggling a lot as a young adult

because

i didn’t really receive any affection

from my father

and i was trying to seek validation from

older men

in order to fulfill that emotional void

created by my father and i was trying

hard i was trying so hard that i forgot

to love myself

i began to love someone so much

that i wasn’t even my priority i wasn’t

even

on the list so in those relationships

they lied and i believed them

they cheated i didn’t say anything

they abused i listened

because i thought i deserved it

somehow this is all my fault there is

something wrong with me

so in my last relationship i was asked

babe if i give you ten thousand dollars

right now what would you change about

yourself

i was appalled i was not expecting that

question

but in the back of my head i thought wow

i really need to change myself the way i

look physically

to earn this man’s love

and i remember i called my mom and i was

crying on the phone

and i and i told her i want plastic

surgery

and my mom said

if you change the way you look perhaps

he will like you

a little more but will you be able to

love yourself

and that’s when i said no because i’m

gonna have to look at myself in the

mirror

every day and i will be reminded

that i was flawed and i changed

the way i looked because this man

never really loved me for who i am

i was in love with him

and according to my i’m no expert

but he is somehow

he was the one i looked up to

i respected him i wanted to be the

perfect

girlfriend i wanted to be his perfect

girl

his dream girl just the way i wanted to

be

my father’s dream child the perfect

daughter when i finally broke up with

him

because i was losing myself i had lost

all my self-esteem

remember crying on my friend’s shoulder

and asking him

what is wrong with me why can i not find

love

and he said that’s because you’re

looking for it

everywhere else but within yourself

we don’t know why people do what they do

we can predict them we can

predict situations we can’t control our

surroundings or events

sometimes bad people do bad things just

because they can

i’m not saying that my ex is a bad

person not necessarily

but he was not good for me and that’s

where it comes it’s not really you

why people behave the way they behave

has nothing to do with you

it might be due to their own

insecurities because they want to

satisfy their own

ego or they just don’t care about others

feelings

but it has nothing to do with you

and

then comes the final stage

of the grief cycle as they say the most

talked about stage acceptance

accepting everything that has happened

to you

as i said there is some power to it the

moment

you start speaking out loud about the

things

you’ve been through it sets you free

so yes it’s very important to just

realize you’ve been

i was in an abusive relationship i was

heartbroken i was depressed

all of that happened to me and i

accepted

i no longer want to stay in denial and

keep thinking about i could have done

something differently

i could have changed him do people

really change

we don’t know that perhaps they do but i

can’t

keep waiting for that magical moment to

arrive when this person realizes how

amazing

i am and it’s too late because i’ve

already lost myself

it’s not your job to change someone

it’s not your job to wait for that long

to make them realize they’re about to

lose you

because by that time you’re gonna lose

yourself

now the tricky part falling in love with

yourself

it’s not easy it’s a long process it’s

day by day

week by week month by month

and it’s isolation it’s spending a lot

of time

with yourself it’s taking yourself out

on dates

it’s buying yourself flowers and gifts

but you have to learn to enjoy your own

company

it’s kind of like how dory says just

keep swimming just keep swimming you’re

alone

the flow was against you but now you

have to learn how to dance with the flow

because this is the only way that’s

going to make you

see yourself as who you are and you

don’t need

anyone to complete you

you are whole you are who you are

and there is no need for someone else to

show you

how amazing you are

now i remember um i was

asked to tell my story on a stage for an

audience and had said you know what i’m

not gonna stand here

and talk about how someone broke me

one day i will be whole and i will talk

about

how i built myself again and

here i am telling my story

now we’re gonna do something really

interesting

positive affirmations and you have to

repeat this after me

okay

love myself the way i am

i believe in myself i will stick to my

goals

i will be patient i will get there one

day

i am worthy i am

enough and

we are going to end this talk with a

poem about

acceptance

i’m not comfortable with anyone who’s

not comfortable with my story

our stories make us who we are

i was young i was selfish

i was foolish i was adamant i was naive

i was in love

i was confused i was terrified i was

threatened

i had been pushed and shoved i’m no

longer comfortable with anyone who

doesn’t want me for me

i come packaged pretty with all my

personalities

and you have to learn to love it all

it took me a long time to be comfortable

in my own skin

i learned to walk in my own shoes i

learned to take it all in

no i won’t let you in unless i know you

will accept me

there will be no judgments there will be

no why did you do this

because i’ve spent hours and hours

trying to explain myself

but i don’t owe any explanations

i have learned them the hard way but

have learned my lessons

now i won’t show you how vulnerable i

can get

unless i know i won’t be taken advantage

of

there was a time i would fall hard and

fast no i won’t fall now

unless i think it will last

no you won’t be in my life if you don’t

know my place

i’ll know the right one this time

because i’ve seen the wrong ones face

so many women are just afraid to be who

they are they’re afraid to speak

out thinking i don’t want to sound crazy

and lame

oh darling think what you would like i

won’t be one of them

i bear my scars with so much pride and

after

all that one day i will be

the perfect bride

no i’m not comfortable with anyone who’s

not comfortable with my stories

my stories make me who i am

and if you don’t want to understand them

well

then you’re not worth giving a damn