Finding Meaning in Madness

[Applause]

out of suffering have emerged the

strongest souls

the most massive characters are seared

with scars in this quote poet khalil

gabran describes

characteristics of those who have

acknowledged their suffering

but what if we are conditioned to ignore

our pain

deny our distress my name is pierce

i’m a recovering addict who was both

denied

and hid in his suffering for over 15

years

i ignored countless warning signs burned

many bridges

and swore thousands of lies that this is

the last time

we’ve all heard the definition of

insanity is doing the same thing over

and over and expecting a different

result but

what if you do the same thing over and

over and don’t expect a different result

that is madness

it is doing things we know deep down

doesn’t serve us

yet we do them anyway we all live with

madness in our everyday lives whether we

realize it or not

madness can be as innocuous as scrolling

through social media comparing ourselves

to others

and wondering why we have a hard time

loving ourselves as we are

madness can be as destructive as

mindlessly spending

developing fiscally irresponsible

behavior they’re wondering why our

credit score continues to plummet

downward

the spectrum of madness is wide

and the suffering which accompanies is

equally

complex and unique i’m here to share

that the path

to our power and how we clarify our

purpose

is by finding the meaning in our madness

this is my story i’m an extremely

emotional person

i’ve been that way since i was a little

boy

however i wasn’t rewarded for being

sensitive

quite the opposite i was punished for it

i loved my dad but he was

intimidating and intense

even so i looked up to him he defined

manhood for me

toughen up he would say

toughen up men don’t show any emotion a

direct counter punch to who i am at the

core

much of my childhood memories involved

my father and his secrets and affairs

done in the dark

i was conditioned not to speak about

them and rewarded for my silence

much like my ancestors before me i

understood at an early age

that suppression was the road to

survival

so when my natural emotional self was

rattled by seismic events

like my father’s suicide i didn’t talk

about it

there was no crying or screaming for i

would not succumb

to the weakness my father hated

instead i kept my thoughts and feelings

in a dark room and locked the door

when i felt i was at an emotional

breaking point i’d walk into that room

and do all the things one does in the

dark

i harbored secrets just like my dad

the only way to escape madness was to

indulge in it

i used my foolish behavior to offset my

painful emotions

i welcome madness with open arms

at the end of 2019 i achieved one of my

biggest goals

i gave my first tedx talk it was a

prideful moment

this great accomplishment came at a time

of great despair

a month prior i hit my rock bottom

with a world as i knew crumbled at my

feet

my suffering was no longer

compartmentalized to a dark room

it had come to light family and friends

became

aware of my vices and staged an

intervention

pierce you have a problem and you need

to get help

those words sliced me open i was

embarrassed

and humiliated for the first time i had

to face the truth

that i am an addict i needed to admit

that my life as i

committed to live it was not manageable

that confession enabled me to

clear a path that transformed how i

identified with my suffering

my suffering had to come to light

madness is part of life but

what it is and how it’s experienced is

distinctive

and personal it can be external or

internal

it can be emotional mental or physical

regardless of form madness is identified

by

the deep gnawing and disorientation it

brings

it is the void of when what is and what

should be

do not align should

is the generalized romanticized

destination that looms over us in our

minds

should is that mirror mirror on the wall

reminding us of all our perceived

shortcomings

i should be married i should be in shape

i should be promoted i should be rich

our social media often deepens the

shoulds

our friends flaunt their engagement

pictures while you match with a bucket

of chicken on postmates

we use food drinks pornography

or whatever else to escape from

examining that feeling

i had my shoulds lined up and ready my

childhood should have been like this

my girlfriend should have done that my

mom should have said this

i was constantly angry by the world

around me not

meeting my expectations of what it

should be doing

i deflected from accountability and sunk

further into addiction

in my case all the blame and

inadequacies were buried in the shoulds

i should have been protected by my

father

i should have been rewarded for my

vulnerability i should have been loved

i lived in the past instead of the

present

i resided in the land of should instead

of what is

the path to transforming our suffering

into purpose

begins with the willingness to uncover

we must take an honest inventory of our

shoulds

by questioning where we feel deprived

imagine all of your compartmentalized

pain

where have you placed it are you

hoarding it in the garage

promising one day you’ll look at it

where is the madness in our life

uncovering our boxes of hidden suffering

is having the courage

to open that garage door the more honest

we are the more boxes of stuff will be

revealed well

those eight boxes over there those are

my relationships

these 13 boxes of pain i don’t want to

know what’s in these and what’s that i

can’t even see those 97

dusty boxes piled up in the back oh

that’s my childhood

our haunted ghosts of shoulds reveal our

subconscious agreements

we indulge in patterns that sabotage our

well-being

these patterns and commitments will

surface as long as we look at ourselves

honestly

and not as the narrative we previously

created in our minds

what will follow our questions and

opportunities for our next choice

does this story serve me

hey if it does shut that door go back

upstairs and enjoy your life

but if it doesn’t and we’re honest with

ourselves we will see that our lives

will not improve with the mess that we

are carrying

the next step becomes clear discover

what is in those boxes

socrates said the unexamined life is not

worth living

the more we examine our story the better

we can

define dissect and discover what serves

us

this deep examination is called a

fearless

inventory not what i would consider be a

fun exercise

but necessary for us to begin

transforming the madness in our life

in this round of inventory we discover

our meaning

meaning is the context in our life that

informs our choices

meaning has the ability to change the

relationship with our suffering

because it can provide the opportunity

for clarity

and lessons we need meaning can clarify

purpose when i began the discovery

process

i realized i had deep-seated anger

i wrote down every great complaint

and disillusion from as far back as i

can remember

to my surprise i resented nearly every

person i had ever

met in my life basically i hated

everybody

the only person that wasn’t on that list

was my therapist and

only because i had known him long enough

the more i unpacked the more patterns

were revealed

in each of my resentments i found the

same fears

a fear of what people think of me a fear

of being alone

a fear of not being accepted fear of not

being left

this process can be overwhelming

but it allows us to discover a new

outlook that is worthy of commitment

we can look at our fears and discover

root causes

we can define boundaries and set them

if we do not act this inventory will

most

certainly duplicate in our future when

we begin to sift through

and organize our boxes we can look

around and see

we’ve created space there is order

and there is room to recover

when i made the choice to dig deep

and expose my dark closet full of

secrets i wasn’t sure that i would

recover

recovery requires a rewiring of our

belief system

because our previous archaic belief

is one that enabled our suffering

this new mental framework needs to be

disconnected from

limited powerless sources

and plugged into a consistent unlimited

and boundless energy a power greater

than ourselves

what in your life can provide hope

faith and light it can be an idea

a principal family the universe

a supreme being etc unfortunately the

only thing it can’t be

is you we identify that power greater

that we can trust

we articulate why we could trust it

then the toughest part we have to

surrender to it

my surrender and hope rest in my greater

power

that loves me even if the rest of the

world didn’t

it gave me purpose to move forward

if you can find the meaning in the

suffering you will like khalil gabron

wrote

emerge as the strongest soul

a massive character

recovery allows us the time to emerge as

strong characters

finding peace is no longer this distant

phenomenon that rings hollow

for me part of this process has been

this

greater power that walks with me

is for me and never against me

it revealed my purpose through my

suffering

because it held meaning we all have

natural abilities

i am gifted at communicating effectively

i am persistent and take initiative

during recovery i realized those powers

were used as shortcuts

to get what i thought i wanted

manipulated my powers for short-term

empty pleasures today

i do my best to change the relationship

i have with my abilities for my

betterment

and the betterment of those around me

this gives my life

meaning and purpose

defining meaning creates the opportunity

to choose

and that also applies to our suffering

my addiction presented itself as an

opportunity

to fall deeper down the hole and blame

everyone else

or to confront my suffering hidden in

the boxes of all my shoulds

it gave me hope to find my purpose

when we discover meaning we take back

our power

we choose to no longer be victims of our

madness but victorious

over our madness we change the

relationship with suffering

so our defects aren’t liabilities

but assets we

all want to live a meaningful life

and we are constantly appraising where

our life fits in society

uncover discover recover

is the collective act of mapping out the

grooves

in our individual puzzle piece

meaning is fitting your peace into the

puzzle of humanity

picture your suffering open up that

garage door

and look at all the things you packed

away

keep what is worth keeping and trash the

rest

you might not be able to root it all out

in one hall but

little by little engaging with life

understand more boxes will come

especially if you’re an amazon prime

member

our story is our unique power

our story has meaning there will be

treasures in those boxes for us

and gifts in those boxes for others

every time i tell my story i

release some of the stigma and shame

when i turn on the light in the dark

room i’ve acknowledged my guilt

boxes in the garage i’ve taken inventory

and exposed some deep heartache

i’ve discovered forgiveness and

recovered my freedom

and so the journey continues

what does your madness look like

find it examine it release it

therein lies your therein

lies your power