Shame Clues From Embarrassment To Breakthrough

[Applause]

what if your shame

could work for you instead of getting

in your way shame is very complicated

and i am the black sheep of the black

sheep

of the black sheep of my family growing

up

a long time ago so i learned from the

beginning

about all of the different levels of

shame

and i’ve been studying it for many years

and shame is amazing it’s important to

understand about it and it can also

bite you in the butt that is not a

clinical term

that is something my client told me she

came to me because

um she needed therapy she was 15.

and so in the first session she was too

embarrassed to speak

she looked down to one side and i looked

at her with

kindness and interest and she looked

down again in the way that

teenagers just have that way of you know

they’re not going to show

anything and they’re just not going to

let you in i said to her

you know i really like your lipstick

where do you choose

that particular shade and she’s like you

do

oh and we were off my curiosity about

her lipstick

lit a fire under her and she started

telling me that she had all these

different shades

one for each day of the week depending

what class she was in

and she was using the lipstick to deal

with her

embarrassment and embarrassing things

that boys might

ask her so in my working with her

i just said i see how beautiful you are

and and you’re so clever to figure out

how to use lipstick as battle paint and

we had a good laugh about that

and then i told her about the shame

map and i explained to her

there’s this whole thing this invisible

emotion

called shame and it would be helpful for

her to understand a little bit more so i

explained to her that

we balance in any moment between

shame and pride in any moment there’s

this

continuum and one side can be up

and somebody can say something really

positive and that’s up but then oh they

say something negative and that’s up and

and we’re just balancing and balancing

and balancing on this

shame pride continuum it goes between

yourself at best

and yourself at worst shame is so

complicated the reason it’s difficult

to teach about shame is if you start

talking about shame

people go right into shame

so i want everybody’s agreement here

i’m going to talk about shame i’m going

to give you some clues

i’m going to give you some shame tips

even the same map

i want to know girl scouts honor

don’t go into shame we’re doing research

so i’m giving you

all this information about shame so that

you don’t have to

dive into it okay are you willing you

willing to not go into the shame we’re

just going to talk about it

and this is called doing research the

talking about it

without going into it a lot of people

come

to study with me about how to work with

their clients with shamans there’s three

questions and if you can ask even one of

these questions you can begin

the conversation to see if your client

has

any hidden shame these are

our clues for how to how to get at that

and the first one

is how do you handle

a compliment no kidding i want you guys

to think about that right now

how do you handle a compliment does it

land in you

do you kind of go oh thank you

or maybe you push it away

or you hide it behind you or maybe you

turn it around and you just

ignore it and compliment the person who

just complimented you

and as if they’d never said it

there’s many different ways to handle a

compliment

and that is the first way to figure out

if somebody has hidden shame

the next question question number two

remember we’re doing research here just

ask yourself that question

how do you handle it if you make a

mistake you make a mistake

some people might say oh

i’m sorry let me do that again or

they might say nothing

and they might just look down and

pretend

it didn’t happen or they might

start blaming themselves and saying oh

wow

i can’t get anything right and if they

start putting themselves down when they

make a mistake

maybe to stop somebody else

from making fun of them or noticing that

they weren’t perfect or something like

that

some people hide some people just stop

talking some people

freeze up during the headlights some

people were starting to share something

and

they just zip up all their feelings and

they just kind of

stop sharing so they think they’ve done

something wrong okay third question

third question is

what if somebody puts you down

in fact what if somebody says something

mean or what if somebody

criticizes you yeah it happens

how do you handle it often if somebody

feels they’re criticized or put down for

something

they go into a deer and headlights

reaction

or they you know just look down or away

or just stop look down or look away

or feel shy or like

you know like there’s something wrong

with them

so those are the three questions

those questions help i’ve been

researching this

for many many years and what i find out

it’s not the shame it’s what happens

right before the shame

so i’ll ask somebody what happened

before they started shouting at their

kid or what happened

before they clammed up and pulled away

and so

some of the clues about shame i’m going

to talk about clues that are

mental clues that are uh

physiological in the body and then clues

that our behavior

actions that somebody might do remember

this is research here

so i’m going to talk about the shame and

please

don’t go into it we’re just learning

a little bit about it so the first thing

is

some clues that somebody might be going

into shame

these are some thoughts and i’m gonna

step over here kind of

in the shame box okay so in the shame

box

the shame map clues that somebody

might have shame going on are basic

things they might be thinking like

something’s wrong with me

nothing’s right with me i can’t get it

right

i am a mistake i blew it

remember those are the cognitive

reactions to shame um i

actually had a lot of experience with

that years ago when i was writing my

thesis

i was having writer’s block i just

was stuck and i couldn’t write very much

and so i just kept thinking

you know there must be something wrong

with me you know boy i’m not a writer i

just you know and it just kept

going round and round and round and the

inner critic was

just attacking me and it took me a long

time

to figure out how to do the writing for

my thesis

because i actually went into a brain

phrase where i couldn’t think

straight and once that happened i

couldn’t write

this happens to so many people not just

writers it happens to kids

it happens to people that are just kind

of like trying to get

something done and they

make a little mistake or something

happens

and when that inner shame happens

and starts putting them down and then

the bravery say

brain freeze happens and they can’t

think straight

it’s really difficult the way to get out

of it

is step out of it

leave the shame okay there leave those

negative voices

over there say that’s not me i want to

write or i want to take a break from

writing or leave me alone that’s not me

and then do something kind

like put your hand on your heart or say

you’re gonna be fine or just take a

break and come back to it

or call a friend or whatever you need to

do

to stay out of that negative

voice because that is shame and the

physiology of shame is it can

freeze your nervous system people think

that they can’t think

but it’s just shame okay i’m gonna go

back in and again

i’m gonna talk about uh emotions

that happen in shame the emotions for

shame

might be uh like um

the face turning red or the throat

just um you know person can’t get their

words at

or the chest kind of pulls in or the

person starts to actually

collapse um one of my clients

had this his throat would close and it

didn’t matter if he was asking his

girlfriend

you know when are we gonna have dinner

when are we gonna have sex

it didn’t matter his throat would close

up and he would just

go into this inner physical

collapse and so i had to teach him how

to talk to his girlfriend that

explained that he was going to shame and

why

he sometimes clammed up and third thing

way to work understand shame we’re going

back in the shame box just for a minute

this is actions that somebody might do

when

they’re in a state of shame and these

actions

might be putting somebody down

criticizing

yelling somebody blaming somebody

criticizing somebody something like this

you know i’m going to step out of this

box

and look at it over there i had a client

who found himself just yelling and

screaming at his son i asked him in a

therapy

session what was going on for you i

heard you yelled at your son but i

didn’t understand what happened just

before that

and he said oh he never cleans his room

and i’m like okay he’s a kid but

why were you yelling this time and he’s

like well

uh and he couldn’t even remember and i’m

like think back

why were you yelling this time and he’s

like oh yeah

he asked me to go on this um trip with

his friends and it was really an

expensive trip

and i couldn’t really afford it um

so i guess i was um yeah i guess

i guess you know that’s what was going

on for me and so i was able to talk to

him and explain

that the embarrassment and the shame

of not being able to tell a son that he

couldn’t afford the trip for him

instead of feeling that and speaking

about the shame

he went into the reaction to shame and

was

just yelling at the kid so

that was a clue shame

is so important shame helps us

understand where our boundaries are

shame lowers the affect

on anger and on emotions

it’s wired in our nervous system to

actually help us survive as a species

shame has a developmental purpose

and so it’s important to understand

you in relation to your shame and

what it’s maybe trying to tell you

for the kid that i worked with who was

in high school

her shame was telling her that she

needed to have a boundary with some kids

at school

you know for a couple that i was working

with recently

they came to me and they said they

stopped having sex five years ago and i

he said well we can’t figure it out all

i remember

is you know we were very sexual and then

she asked me

you know to touch her in a certain way

or in certain ways and i just felt like

well i’ll never be able to do that

you know what’s wrong with me and i’m

like oh you started to feel like

something

was wrong with you and he’s like yeah

and i’m like well what happened then

and he’s like well i realized i was

never going to be able to be good enough

for her

so i just pulled away she said well

i didn’t understand why he was pulling

away so i pulled away too

so i’m sitting there with the both of

them and i say

when you feel like you’re not good

enough when you feel like there’s

something wrong with you that you can’t

do anything right

that’s actually the emotion of shame

in understanding that shames there and

be able to share it with your partner

and with yourself in a kind way

you can begin to heal the shame they

manage

to not stay out of the shame box but

they managed to be able to go into it

figure out what am i thinking what am i

feeling what is shame telling me

okay do i you know this isn’t real i’m

just this

is shame this is the emotion of shame

i’m gonna step

over here and i’m gonna look at it okay

the thoughts the feelings the actions

is there anything i can learn from this

is there anything i need or do i just

kind of put it in a box or put it in a

pocket or

you know kick it off the stage

get rid of the shame and be kind to

yourself

so the trick of all of this is being

kind to yourself finding new ways

to be in relationship with your shame

it doesn’t have to be an enemy it can

actually be a friend and so really being

able to be

in relation with your shame i forgot to

tell you

the secret of healing shame shame just

kind of

can take our life force energy so the

way

through shame is really to have

love and support for yourself putting

your hand

on your heart giving yourself a hug

calling a friend

all of those things can be kind ways

to counter the shame so as you start

to understand about shame just be

very kind to yourself very very kind to

yourself

it’s an honor to talk with you about

shame the shame is over

there and i’m scrunching it down into a

little ball

and kicking it off the stage

so thank you for listening

[Applause]