Having A Mental Illness Is Not A Death Sentence

[Music]

fall down seven times

but always get up eight do you have a

dream you’re trying to pursue

it’s in your way why haven’t

you moved forward like you i also have a

dream that i’ve pursued

and i continue to dream all while being

a woman

and living with bipolar disorder we all

have an

obstacle we must overcome

maybe you just lost a job or are going

to

through a divorce or just lost a loved

one

we need to always remember there is

light at the end

of the tunnel according to national

alliance a mental illness 20 of people

live with one look around

one out of every five of you might be

battling ptsd depression

or another form of distress i’m part of

that 20

my journey begins back in california on

a weekend cruise with my friend

to celebrate my high school graduation

uncharacteristically i had enormous

amounts

of energy i felt invincible

my mind raised a million miles a minute

in the disco one night i spotted a

handsome young man

hey babe i’m gonna teach you

how to dance up on a table i jumped

margarita in hand you see there’s a

problem

i am no paula abdul

my temper flared my moods were all over

the place

my friend was so horrified she avoided

me the rest of the weekend

people thought i was on drugs i had no

clue what was happening

but when i returned from the cruise that

weekend my parents knew

exactly what was going on had a symptom

of a mental illness i have bipolar

disorder

it’s a mood disorder it’s a chemical

imbalance in the brain

which causes euphoric highs known as

manias

and devastating lows to the point

of suicide bipolar disorder is genetic

my uncle suffers from it and my

grandmother suffered mental breakdowns

and depressions

often times in mania it requires

hospitalization

but my mother a nurse was able to find a

psychiatrist

who agreed to treat me as long as my

parents monitored my medication

there’s something you need to know about

my family

were catholics my parents prayed to god

for my safety and their sanity

they were so concerned that while both

of my parents were working at the time

my father stayed home to take care of me

slowly with time and medication

the mania ended what was my dream

i dreamed of being an elementary school

teacher

so i enrolled in a junior college after

one semester

my father came to me and said susan

armen

pack your bags i have a dream job

opportunity

we’re moving to iowa

i don’t think so because like i’m a

california girl december

i tearfully boarded a plane to iowa i

landed in a cold

and winter darkness and it mirrored my

life

i lashed out at my parents i hate you

for moving me here

i hate my life and i’m so

mad at god i then connected to a

psychiatrist who continued me

on lithium at that point i enrolled in a

junior college

and transferred to a university

but there was a big problem at the

university my gpa

wasn’t high enough to enter the teaching

program

so i transferred to one more university

i changed colleges more times than a

woman who changes clothes

before going on a date

to meet people i tried out for and made

the soccer team

my doctor told me i could play but if i

felt chest pains i had to stop playing

there’s something you need to know about

people who have bipolar disorder and

experience mania they ignore all

advice while playing soccer one day i

did feel the chest pains

but i did not stop playing later i

learned that the chest pains

meant i could have a massive

heart attack mania almost

killed me finally

i transferred to to drake university

after testing proof positive that i had

a learning disability

the university allowed me a note taker

and extended amounts of time

on my tests for me having bipolar

disorder makes learning feel

impossible i would study facts

nothing would stick i would go to write

papers they were completely

unorganized like the north star

my psychiat psychologist was there

throughout any crisis

one day i confided in her my struggle in

school

why do i have to have bipolar disorder

susie she said what do you call a

doctor at the bottom of his graduating

class

i don’t know a doctor keep

going and one day you’ll do cartwheels

across the graduation

stage fine

her faith renewed my hope she

recommended

i joined bible study god’s word gave me

strength and hope

and it reaffirmed my faith

i’ll never forget this moment

i was literally lying on the floor

of my parents living room saying i’m

done with college i can’t do this

anymore i give up

but then i’d remember my dream

it’s holding you back

standing in your way

why haven’t you moved forward

cnn health reports one half of college

students

who live with bipolar disorder drop out

after two years of working hard and

praying harder

i graduated with a ba in sociology

now i had a lot of help from friends

family members doctors and professors

my graduation was a huge accomplishment

i had beaten the odds now this wasn’t

the teaching degree that i had dreamed

of

but my wife’s therapist knew the stress

of being a teacher would break me

she recommended other school positions i

took a job

working in an elementary school with a

girl who had cerebral palsy

i’ll never forget the iowa winter

i was so depressed i couldn’t

get out of the bed

i cried all the time

all hope was gone

called out constantly sick from work

i was put on antidepressants and they

didn’t help

not one bit

i had a chance to move to virginia and

live with my aunt

i moved to virginia and took a job

working as a kindergarten assistant

i met a charming young man and i was

happy my first psychiatrist in virginia

needed a psychiatrist

when i needed a refill on the medication

he was nowhere to be found

without the proper medication i was

an emotional basket case

my boyfriend began to verbally

abuse me at that point

i connected to a psychiatrist

but in mania was too sick to tell him i

had bipolar disorder

instead i told him it was just anxiety

so he began to treat me for anxiety

meanwhile the bipolar disorder spun out

of control

i was so sick i couldn’t work

it just was too much

felt easier than living

one night in mixed mania i called my

parents

please come get me i can’t

live like this any more

the parents that gave me life

did so once again

they’ve moved me to las vegas where we

now

all currently live my first trip to the

psychiatrist

i was a hot mess

i was so sick i couldn’t even fill out

my own

name on the paperwork

my mom had to come and advocate for me

you see i’ve lost 25 pounds

on the anti-anxiety medication

i was a skeleton

psychiatrists said the next few months

were going to be rough

i would have to transition off the

anti-anxiety medication

go on the proper medication for bipolar

disorder

that was the biggest understatement

of my life at night

i had images of me cutting myself

my own mom had to sleep in the bed with

me i was in my late 20s

my father he reminded me

of god’s love for me and my faith firmly

rooted in the catholic church

my mom well she made me drink ensure

to gain back weight by the way it’s

disgusting

after five months of darkness the sun

began to shine again for me

hope it returned

later when we live when later

when re-reading my doctor’s records he

never

thought that i would make a full

recovery

he didn’t know me and he didn’t know the

healing power

of god unfortunately for me

there is no cure for bipolar disorder

i take a lot of drugs okay

let me explain they’re all legal

i surrender to them daily needing them

like the oxygen

we need to breathe they keep me in full

remission well

sort of except when giving one of these

talks

you try it

what about my dream the past

13 years i’ve assisted special education

students and supportive teachers in the

classroom

man i picked an exhausting job

but i can’t think of anything more

fulfilling

what about my love life okay i admit it

i had a deplorable track record

susie said my mom try meeting a man

on the catholic website i never thought

i would meet a man there but one last

try

for mom i began emailing with a man from

church

our first date was on valentine’s day

when i got into the truck there was a

little white bear waiting for me

we went hiking at red rock canyon and

got lost

i knew right away he was the one

god had finally heard my cries and

answered my prayers

it was gary that took away the past pain

heartache and disappointment and

replacing with the love

so unconditional i never dreamed

possible

when a spouse has bipolar disorder 90

percent

of marriages end in divorce

we’ve been married 13 and a half years

and we beat the odds each

and every day

no family should have to suffer like

mine

our persistent hope for a better future

and belief that god would provide it has

anchored and sustained us

throughout all these years later when

reliving my private hell

and writing my book i could clearly see

the hands of god guiding me and giving

me

a wonderful future i’m the face of

bipolar disorder it’s me

maybe it’s you bipolar disorder touches

every race

religion class and country i am made in

the image and likeness of god so i have

no

shame as a woman who lives with a mental

illness my faith keeps me anchored

what about you is it a friend

a family member or maybe a beloved pet

i choose not to be defined by society’s

ignorance

but to instead stand up straight proud

and tall

and explain bipolar disorder at every

opportunity

and that’s why despite these knocking

knees

i hope you can’t see them knocking

because they are

i’m here today having a mental illness

is

not a death sentence i’m proof that we

with mental illness can live our dreams

if we hold fast to faith

hope ask for help and never

never never give up

always remember some dreams are worth

keeping let me ask you

one last time what’s your excuse

thank you