Having A Mental Illness Is Not A Death Sentence
[Music]
fall down seven times
but always get up eight do you have a
dream you’re trying to pursue
it’s in your way why haven’t
you moved forward like you i also have a
dream that i’ve pursued
and i continue to dream all while being
a woman
and living with bipolar disorder we all
have an
obstacle we must overcome
maybe you just lost a job or are going
to
through a divorce or just lost a loved
one
we need to always remember there is
light at the end
of the tunnel according to national
alliance a mental illness 20 of people
live with one look around
one out of every five of you might be
battling ptsd depression
or another form of distress i’m part of
that 20
my journey begins back in california on
a weekend cruise with my friend
to celebrate my high school graduation
uncharacteristically i had enormous
amounts
of energy i felt invincible
my mind raised a million miles a minute
in the disco one night i spotted a
handsome young man
hey babe i’m gonna teach you
how to dance up on a table i jumped
margarita in hand you see there’s a
problem
i am no paula abdul
my temper flared my moods were all over
the place
my friend was so horrified she avoided
me the rest of the weekend
people thought i was on drugs i had no
clue what was happening
but when i returned from the cruise that
weekend my parents knew
exactly what was going on had a symptom
of a mental illness i have bipolar
disorder
it’s a mood disorder it’s a chemical
imbalance in the brain
which causes euphoric highs known as
manias
and devastating lows to the point
of suicide bipolar disorder is genetic
my uncle suffers from it and my
grandmother suffered mental breakdowns
and depressions
often times in mania it requires
hospitalization
but my mother a nurse was able to find a
psychiatrist
who agreed to treat me as long as my
parents monitored my medication
there’s something you need to know about
my family
were catholics my parents prayed to god
for my safety and their sanity
they were so concerned that while both
of my parents were working at the time
my father stayed home to take care of me
slowly with time and medication
the mania ended what was my dream
i dreamed of being an elementary school
teacher
so i enrolled in a junior college after
one semester
my father came to me and said susan
armen
pack your bags i have a dream job
opportunity
we’re moving to iowa
i don’t think so because like i’m a
california girl december
i tearfully boarded a plane to iowa i
landed in a cold
and winter darkness and it mirrored my
life
i lashed out at my parents i hate you
for moving me here
i hate my life and i’m so
mad at god i then connected to a
psychiatrist who continued me
on lithium at that point i enrolled in a
junior college
and transferred to a university
but there was a big problem at the
university my gpa
wasn’t high enough to enter the teaching
program
so i transferred to one more university
i changed colleges more times than a
woman who changes clothes
before going on a date
to meet people i tried out for and made
the soccer team
my doctor told me i could play but if i
felt chest pains i had to stop playing
there’s something you need to know about
people who have bipolar disorder and
experience mania they ignore all
advice while playing soccer one day i
did feel the chest pains
but i did not stop playing later i
learned that the chest pains
meant i could have a massive
heart attack mania almost
killed me finally
i transferred to to drake university
after testing proof positive that i had
a learning disability
the university allowed me a note taker
and extended amounts of time
on my tests for me having bipolar
disorder makes learning feel
impossible i would study facts
nothing would stick i would go to write
papers they were completely
unorganized like the north star
my psychiat psychologist was there
throughout any crisis
one day i confided in her my struggle in
school
why do i have to have bipolar disorder
susie she said what do you call a
doctor at the bottom of his graduating
class
i don’t know a doctor keep
going and one day you’ll do cartwheels
across the graduation
stage fine
her faith renewed my hope she
recommended
i joined bible study god’s word gave me
strength and hope
and it reaffirmed my faith
i’ll never forget this moment
i was literally lying on the floor
of my parents living room saying i’m
done with college i can’t do this
anymore i give up
but then i’d remember my dream
it’s holding you back
standing in your way
why haven’t you moved forward
cnn health reports one half of college
students
who live with bipolar disorder drop out
after two years of working hard and
praying harder
i graduated with a ba in sociology
now i had a lot of help from friends
family members doctors and professors
my graduation was a huge accomplishment
i had beaten the odds now this wasn’t
the teaching degree that i had dreamed
of
but my wife’s therapist knew the stress
of being a teacher would break me
she recommended other school positions i
took a job
working in an elementary school with a
girl who had cerebral palsy
i’ll never forget the iowa winter
i was so depressed i couldn’t
get out of the bed
i cried all the time
all hope was gone
called out constantly sick from work
i was put on antidepressants and they
didn’t help
not one bit
i had a chance to move to virginia and
live with my aunt
i moved to virginia and took a job
working as a kindergarten assistant
i met a charming young man and i was
happy my first psychiatrist in virginia
needed a psychiatrist
when i needed a refill on the medication
he was nowhere to be found
without the proper medication i was
an emotional basket case
my boyfriend began to verbally
abuse me at that point
i connected to a psychiatrist
but in mania was too sick to tell him i
had bipolar disorder
instead i told him it was just anxiety
so he began to treat me for anxiety
meanwhile the bipolar disorder spun out
of control
i was so sick i couldn’t work
it just was too much
felt easier than living
one night in mixed mania i called my
parents
please come get me i can’t
live like this any more
the parents that gave me life
did so once again
they’ve moved me to las vegas where we
now
all currently live my first trip to the
psychiatrist
i was a hot mess
i was so sick i couldn’t even fill out
my own
name on the paperwork
my mom had to come and advocate for me
you see i’ve lost 25 pounds
on the anti-anxiety medication
i was a skeleton
psychiatrists said the next few months
were going to be rough
i would have to transition off the
anti-anxiety medication
go on the proper medication for bipolar
disorder
that was the biggest understatement
of my life at night
i had images of me cutting myself
my own mom had to sleep in the bed with
me i was in my late 20s
my father he reminded me
of god’s love for me and my faith firmly
rooted in the catholic church
my mom well she made me drink ensure
to gain back weight by the way it’s
disgusting
after five months of darkness the sun
began to shine again for me
hope it returned
later when we live when later
when re-reading my doctor’s records he
never
thought that i would make a full
recovery
he didn’t know me and he didn’t know the
healing power
of god unfortunately for me
there is no cure for bipolar disorder
i take a lot of drugs okay
let me explain they’re all legal
i surrender to them daily needing them
like the oxygen
we need to breathe they keep me in full
remission well
sort of except when giving one of these
talks
you try it
what about my dream the past
13 years i’ve assisted special education
students and supportive teachers in the
classroom
man i picked an exhausting job
but i can’t think of anything more
fulfilling
what about my love life okay i admit it
i had a deplorable track record
susie said my mom try meeting a man
on the catholic website i never thought
i would meet a man there but one last
try
for mom i began emailing with a man from
church
our first date was on valentine’s day
when i got into the truck there was a
little white bear waiting for me
we went hiking at red rock canyon and
got lost
i knew right away he was the one
god had finally heard my cries and
answered my prayers
it was gary that took away the past pain
heartache and disappointment and
replacing with the love
so unconditional i never dreamed
possible
when a spouse has bipolar disorder 90
percent
of marriages end in divorce
we’ve been married 13 and a half years
and we beat the odds each
and every day
no family should have to suffer like
mine
our persistent hope for a better future
and belief that god would provide it has
anchored and sustained us
throughout all these years later when
reliving my private hell
and writing my book i could clearly see
the hands of god guiding me and giving
me
a wonderful future i’m the face of
bipolar disorder it’s me
maybe it’s you bipolar disorder touches
every race
religion class and country i am made in
the image and likeness of god so i have
no
shame as a woman who lives with a mental
illness my faith keeps me anchored
what about you is it a friend
a family member or maybe a beloved pet
i choose not to be defined by society’s
ignorance
but to instead stand up straight proud
and tall
and explain bipolar disorder at every
opportunity
and that’s why despite these knocking
knees
i hope you can’t see them knocking
because they are
i’m here today having a mental illness
is
not a death sentence i’m proof that we
with mental illness can live our dreams
if we hold fast to faith
hope ask for help and never
never never give up
always remember some dreams are worth
keeping let me ask you
one last time what’s your excuse
thank you