Message from a Suicide Survivor

[Music]

my mental health journey began

in july of 2016 when i was released from

a psychiatric hospital

i had 55 dollars to my name three

prescriptions for psych meds

and really low self-esteem from failing

at suicide more than once

if you would have told me then that i’d

be here today talking about mental

illness on this platform

i would have thought you were the crazy

one not because i didn’t think i could

i just didn’t think i would live long

enough to ever do it

a couple years after getting out of the

psych hospital when i was getting over

the attitude i had with my mentor ira

for making me going to the hospital in

the first place

i finally stopped avoiding him and

agreed to have lunch

see during that time when i was still

recovering from being suicidal i didn’t

want to be around anybody

for what what were we going to talk

about

what did i have in common with people

who wanted to be alive and thought happy

thoughts and took showers

every day nothing i had

nothing in common with those people

but on this particular day at lunch with

ira

i’ve been feeling pretty stable and

hygienic for a while

and when i told ira about how my mental

health advocacy videos i’d been doing

for afropunk were blowing up and

how i had started writing articles about

depression for all these different

websites he felt proud

and he said to me you know what nikki

you should write a play about your

mental health journey

i think it’s something a lot of people

would care about

and my response to that was i never

wrote no play

what ira didn’t know as he was

encouraging me to write about my suicide

recovery was

i wasn’t nervous because of my

inexperience

i was nervous because i was not proud

of myself i wasn’t proud of the fact

that i’ve been found unconscious after a

suicide attempt

i wasn’t proud of being diagnosed with

complex post-traumatic stress disorder i

wasn’t

proud of the fact that i have mental

health issues

are you i mean according to statistics

one in five people in america experience

mental health issues

but that was before the pandemic they

say one in 25

experience a serious mental illness in

their lives but that was before the

recent school closings and job losses

the cdc reports that there’s recently

been a spike in

anxiety substance abuse and suicidal

ideation

so we don’t know what the new statistics

are and many people are suffering in

silence

simply because they don’t want to

experience the stigma

and discrimination that having mental

health issues brings your way

i’ve seen it firsthand and when you’re

facing that kind of stigma

while you’re at your lowest you can’t

clap back

because you don’t feel brave living with

mental health issues automatically makes

you part of this

lower class of society that consists of

nothing but

crazy ex-girlfriends and domestic

terrorists

every headline about every mass shooting

is about you every movie about

an insane asylum is about you every

motivational quote shaming laziness is

about you

now when someone is up against all of

that you tell me how that person is

supposed to not

internalize this stigma

not only are depressed people sick

we hate ourselves for it and that

is what we need to change

the mental health conversation should

not be dictated by those who ain’t

actively participating in it

that means we get to determine the rules

of engagement

and i’m not just talking about how we

are having these conversations with

people who don’t understand

i’m saying there needs to be a cultural

shift

within mental health

and why shouldn’t we shift it why is

that such a radical concept

there’s this book called the diagnostic

and statistic manual

of mental disorders and it’s like the

bible for mental health issues

and even though the most recent version

has been

constantly updated by mental health

experts

over the past 10 years those updates

don’t always get integrated into the

current books and practices that are

being used for mental health right now

so we have a whole bunch of information

about

the symptoms and causes of mental health

of mental health issues but they were

determined by people who never even had

to face the type of challenges we’re

facing right now

they never had to navigate what it means

to have most of you socialize and take

place on devices

on the same social media platforms that

constantly hit you with bad news and

make

inequality around the world more evident

than it’s ever been before

that day two years ago when i left that

lunch with ira

trying to figure out how to turn my

depression into a play

that was around the time when anthony

bourdain ended his life

and earlier that year kate spade and

avicii had ended their lives

so 2018 was the year when it started

becoming real popular online to say

it’s okay to not be okay

what was this the first time pop culture

was

addressing the internalized mental

health stigma

it’s okay to not be okay

they’re saying didn’t come from people

who lack empathy

it didn’t come from outside of the

mental health conversation

it came from the mind of folks who do

understand it’s a call to action

because it requires you to let go of the

judgment you pass on yourself for not

being okay

a couple years ago that saying helped me

gain self-acceptance

and i really threw myself into the whole

self-care

namaste scented candle mental wellness

movement thing

but it came to a point where i hit a

wall

because it felt bougie and not inclusive

and i had to admit to myself this mental

health thing is not as minty fresh as

gwyneth paltrow led me to believe

it was

because i have a mental illness in real

life

i can’t eat pray love it away back then

i couldn’t even afford to try

yes it’s okay to not be okay but i did

not survive suicide

learn to live with ptsd take psychiatric

meds for two years and tell all my

business to three different therapists

just to exist in a constant state of not

okay

there has to be a world that has to be a

world beyond not okay

there has to be a world beyond not okay

a world where people with mental health

issues are celebrated for being

empathetic and more sensitive than most

a world where we’re reminded that people

ranging from frida kahlo to beethoven to

einstein dealt with mental health issues

where we’re honest about the fact that

okay is not enough

we want to thrive see

therapy definitely helped me get my

mental health under control

but my empowerment is what helped me get

my life back

when i was in the psychiatric hospital i

did not learn about

neuroplasticity which is the ability of

the brain to

change and grow and adapt yes

i’m literally telling you that you can

change your mind from a traumatized

suicidal brain

to a peaceful brain that only

experiences depression

sometimes or maybe maybe you never feel

depressed again i don’t know

does it matter which do you think people

with depression want more

to be perfect or to be happy i choose

happiness every time

so here’s a question

why don’t we approach mental health with

the same energy that we have for fitness

fitness has a culture it has health

clubs and fashion and tv shows

and it even has a soundtrack and it’s

even cool to post your selfies and your

progress online because it’s not about

shaming where you started it’s about

celebrating the process of where you’re

going

how come we don’t keep that same energy

when it comes to mental health

why hasn’t the pursuit of mental

wellness penetrated popular culture the

same way fitness has

are we really that much more invested in

what we look like to how we feel

it’s time to change that

when i started writing my play i didn’t

go

sit down with therapists to find out if

it met the clinical metrics for being

impactful to mental health nah

i took it straight to the people when

the activist group [ __ ] riot did their

first american tour that music i opened

for them

and i worked up my concept for my play

right on their stage

at a punk concert why because i knew it

would be respected

within alternative culture like punk and

straight edge and goth culture

we’ve been having these conversations

about mental health for years

decades and if you think about it people

who are suffering from the mental health

stigma have a lot in common with people

within alternative culture we’re all

social outliers

we all have an inability to conform to

social norms

and we’re all considered to be creeps

and weirdos except

you know an alternative culture we’re

kind of into it

because us alternative folks reject

social norms we respect individuality

we don’t even attempt to maintain the

illusion of being perfect just so we can

fit in with the rest of society

alternative culture is more than just a

fashion statement people want to imitate

everything about being punk except the

substance of it

what i’m saying is this rebellion

empowered energy of alternative culture

is just what mental health needs

because within the framework of that

culture you are not apologetic about

what’s wrong with you

it’s understood to be part of what’s

right about you

now am i saying that everyone listening

to this should shave the sides of their

heads and run out to get their nose

pierced

nah dig deeper

at the heart of punk culture is a demand

for radical social change

we break down constructs we are

unapologetic

we accept ourselves and that energy

gives stigma iran for us money

see i need y’all to really understand

the importance of combating stigma

because like i said it is so easily

internalized

internalized stigma is why many people

who are suffering right now

are afraid to go to therapy how are you

scared of therapy

why a good therapist is nothing more

than a coach

who has a different perspective on the

game you’re playing

you’re the athlete and they’re on the

outside looking in

helping you play your best game

now you might think that you’re such a

great athlete that you don’t need a

coach

and that might be true but go ask

michael jordan who he would be without

phil

jackson every great athlete you can name

had

someone on the outside looking in

telling them

how to be their personal best therapy is

literally

you being the change you wish to see in

the world

so go get yourself a coach and be the

lebron james you wish to see in the

world

and the thing is people will judge you

for that choice they will

when a person takes a deep dive into

working on their mental health and

bettering their self

stigma and discrimination is always

always sure to follow

this is where that cultural shift within

mental health would be most advantageous

because in alternative culture

especially in black alternative culture

when you come for us we clap back

going back to my roots as an alternative

black girl gave me the bravery i needed

to cut off toxic family members

and be unapologetic about my mental

health journey

and that journey led to me writing a

musical about depression

and to me becoming the first black woman

to ever have a play produced by american

music theater project

and then to debut that play as

steppenwolf

and now in a pandemic be adept in that

play to film

that journey led to me starting the

mental health movement within the

hip-hop

community in chicago right now i did

that

it gave me the culture and language and

imagery that powered me to finally reach

radical self-love and now i’m one of

those people who want to be alive

and think happy thoughts and take

showers every day

and not only do i know that it’s okay

for me to not be

okay i know that on the other side of

okay is a better version of me

look at this mental wellness journey

doesn’t have a final destination

i could ride it till the wheels fall off

who gonna stop me

mental health exists on a spectrum i

might be on my way to enlightenment you

don’t know

so don’t project your stigma onto me

and that rebel spirit is exactly what

the mental health conversation is

lacking

and when you find it for yourself you

find yourself

so yes i am saying as a suicide survivor

myself

that the entire mental health movement

needs to be disrupted

rebrand it give it the power it deserves

within alternative culture we’ve been

talking about mental health for years

i invite you to join us thank you