More than just depression a postpartum mental health journey

[Applause]

i have an opinion about pregnancy that’s

not

the most popular

i loved being pregnant

oh i loved it

i loved it you might think okay yeah

she just had an easy time that’s all

it’s really not that great

and that’s a fair thought i broke my

foot

when i was seven months pregnant and i

spent the last trimester on

crutches one of those little kneeling

scooters

i had nausea and vomiting from my first

trimester all the way to the end

but i loved it i mean in my house this

was our idea of nesting

it was awesome

so when i went into labor i also went

into denial i’m not having a baby

my due date’s in four days there’s no

way this is the real thing

i went up and ran errands got a haircut

i think i even went to the bank

my doctor finally had to order me to go

to the hospital

so we went and maybe it was my avoidant

attitude that prolonged labor

because it took hours

for yes for our baby boy to arrive

but then he did and he was here

and the doctors handed him to us and we

had that

sweet newborn family moment that you’ve

seen on tv and in movies

and then we were sent home to adjust to

life as a family of three

hard parts over right

two months old my husband had gone back

to work

my husband had gone back to work and so

it was just me and the baby for most of

the daylight hours

breastfeeding was harder than society

had led me to believe it might be

mom brain was in full force

i’d go to microwave an occasional bite

of food

and i’d open the door to find surprise

yesterday’s coffee

waiting to greet me

i worried about the baby a lot

but i’d never done this before and

mom’s worry right

i knew postpartum anxiety

was something you could have but i

didn’t know what it looked like

and i wondered what if this might be it

so i started seeing a therapist to help

me deal with what i was going through

three months now it was my

turn to go back to work

don’t tell him this but i was

thrilled to leave him with someone else

i was a i was a work person is it

possible to go through withdrawal from

microsoft excel and bad corporate coffee

still it had been a hard transition so

before i went back to work i saw my

doctor

what brings you in today she asked well

i had a baby about three months ago

i beat around the bush for a while

because i was nervous to talk about this

and

i finally said i think i might be

dealing with some postpartum depression

oh you don’t look too down and out

she gave me a prescription and she sent

me on my way

that was it four months old

something changed when i went to the

doctor that day

i’d already been keeping things quiet

but quiet

turned to silence the circle of people

who knew what was going on got no

bigger than the handful who were already

in it

i started to manage my emotional anguish

by causing myself

physical pain

i never understood why people would

self-harm

as a coping mechanism and then

i understood now i made sure when i left

the house

my hair was done my clothes were clean i

wanted to look like i was managing new

motherhood

so well when you think the world doesn’t

care

you learn to put on a mask every time

you go outside six months

my depression symptoms were moving from

moderate

to severe i was trying to find help but

every

local psychiatric resource had a

three-month waiting list

i was hopeful when i found a postpartum

depression support group

but in four months of attending i was

the only

person who ever came

i knew there must be more people out

there who were dealing with this

i knew that but the evidence i could see

a room full of empty tears week

after week that said you’re alone

you have to keep showing up for your

life when you have depression even

though you really don’t want to

and one of the things i had to keep

showing up for were my son’s

appointments with a pediatrician

at our six-month visit we went in and

the nurse

started by asking us the question how

are we doing today

baby’s doing great i said as i went into

performance mode

and then i stopped

but i’m suffering pretty badly from

postpartum depression

and i’m trying to get help but i can’t

seem

to find where i need to go

this nurse’s reaction

stopping what she was doing coming over

to me

it told me that maybe i’m not alone

eight months

i finally connected with a care provider

who could help me manage this condition

she was a nurse practitioner who had

a background in both obstetrics and

mental health

she was qualified and she diagnosed me

with postpartum anxiety and postpartum

depression

and postpartum onset ocd which i didn’t

even know was a thing you could have

i was in the right hands and

it was still hard to manage

on top of the three diagnoses i got

we realized my depression was treatment

resistant

which is a fancy way of saying that

medication is not really working and we

don’t know why

10 months

my depression worsened and worsened

i was nearing rock bottom i was in the

right hands

we couldn’t figure it out

is this numbness my new normal

maybe this is motherhood

god it’s not what i imagined

driving home from work sometimes i would

think

what happened if i would just drift

into the other lane and drive into

oncoming traffic

i was out shopping one day in a

department store one that has music

playing as customers browse

and i don’t know what made this happen

but i realized

i couldn’t hear the music anymore

and instead of the music i was hearing

the sounds of the delivery room

right after my son was born

i froze i was having a flashback

earlier i left out a part of my birth

story

shortly after our baby was delivered

my temperature spiked to over 104

degrees

my blood pressure dropped i became

delirious

and was shaking and working in

healthcare at the time

i knew these as signs of septic shock

and i became convinced i was dying

the infection was managed relatively

quickly

the health care team got things under

control

but a trauma had already occurred

my body soaked up every sound every

scent every emotion

like a sponge and something about

the music that day inexplicably caused

my brain to wring it out

flooding me with a rush of emotion

like it was happening all over again

we didn’t know it but i had been

suffering for months

with ptsd

11 months

we finally had a diagnosis

like we had four of them and somehow

still things weren’t

turning around

it was so hard to see that it had been

almost a year that i didn’t get to show

up for motherhood the way

i wanted to

i was angry i was frustrated

and i was scared

if it took me with all of the unearned

privilege

i had working in my favor this much

effort

to try and fail to get better what hope

did that give

anybody else going through this

i saw my son’s birthday looming on the

calendar

and i was in no mood to celebrate so i

boycotted it

he’s not gonna remember

i let his grandparents stage some party

photos

to pretend we had a celebration i didn’t

sing

i didn’t make a cake we didn’t block

candles i wanted

nothing to do with a joyous occasion

my husband who’s a mental health care

professional

suggested that i look into an intensive

outpatient program

or an iop for treatment it was a good

suggestion but the nearest iop

specific to perinatal care was outside

of chicago

it just wasn’t feasible

people handle adversity and frustration

in a lot of different ways

and at this point i was just mad so

my version of handling it was saying

screw this

i’m inventing my own treatment protocol

i’m incredibly qualified

i called it a my op

it involved me taking a medical leave

from work

commuting two days a week to

indianapolis to attend

outpatient postpartum depression support

groups

and there sitting amongst fellow

sufferers my experience was

normalized for the very

first time

it was still a long road and it would

take several more months

but this was the piece we needed and i

was finally on the road to recovery

two years we

are in the throes of raising a cute

chatty construction vehicle obsessed

toddler i’m not ashamed to admit it

i spent an obscene amount of money on

his second birthday

it wasn’t about him though he’s still

not going to remember

it was to celebrate my recovery

one of the hardest things i had to do

was forget everything i thought i knew

about postpartum depression

what people often call postpartum

depression or sometimes just postpartum

is actually a collection of six

different mood and anxiety disorders

calling them all depression is like

calling all pasta

spaghetti perinatal mood and anxiety

disorders can include

depression anxiety

ocd ptsd

all four of which i experienced bipolar

disorder

and postpartum psychosis

we know that these conditions are under

reported

and under-diagnosed especially in women

of color

research conservatively estimates that

one in every seven

births the parent who births

has one or more of these conditions

and those numbers are even higher for

teen moms

and for those experiencing poverty

we also know now that these disorders

are not

just limited to birthing parents

one in ten fathers or non-birthing

parents experiences one or more

as well in 2017

the year my son was born there were 3.8

million

babies born in the united states by

those estimates

of 1 in 7 and 1 in 10

that means over 900 000

parents were dealing with something

similar to what i was

almost a million people

these conversations have to be

brought out of the shadows because i

suspect

many of those parents were suffering in

silence like i was

we need to be able to destigmatize these

conversations

and bring them out into the open but in

order to do that

we need allies who understand the

realities of these conditions

and can help have those conversations

we need people like you here’s what you

can do

when new babies arrive in the lives of

your friends

and your families ask the new parents

what this experience has been like for

them

and then listen while they answer you

let them say as much or as little

as they want you know now

these disorders are complex they’re

real but most importantly

they’re treatable you have the power

to change the conversation

you can make sure the conversation

doesn’t include something that’s

accidentally dismissive

like you don’t look too down and out

you can make sure the conversation

is compassionate and empathetic

how are we doing today

thank you

you