Emotions Monsters and The Way We Treat Them

i have

complex post-traumatic stress disorder

ptsd it’s healed

managed but forever a part of who i am

i collected adverse childhood

experiences like some kids collected

happy meal toys

and as i transitioned into adulthood i

continued to survive

traumatic situations and

one of the survival skills that i honed

to perfection

was the ability to compartmentalize

or if i’m being honest

stuff my feelings in a corner and ignore

them

and to heal i had to learn how to take

everything out of those meticulously

constructed compartments

and finally begin to process them but i

had to learn

how to name my feelings before i could

do that it was messy

so here i am a mother of four

a homeschooler an english teacher a

graduate student

how could i not know how to do something

so basic

it is among the first skills we tackle

with my young chinese students

letters numbers

colors feelings i feel happy or

i am angry the thing

is knowing the word

for an emotion is not the same thing as

assigning a name to a feeling

when you name something you give it a

voice

you acknowledge its existence and that

can be as terrifying as it is

therapeutic for someone like me

so not only did i have

to do the work of healing from my own

trauma

i became hyper aware

of the propensity for my children to

develop

unhealthy avoidant habits as they

navigated the stressful situations

in their lives my marriage problems

family strife social and academic

pressure

and now everything that goes along

with living through a pandemic

i began to notice how much their moods

and reactions were rooted in

emotions that they felt but had no tools

to evaluate discuss or convey

what i needed more than anything was to

teach these four small humans

how to talk about their emotions so they

don’t end up like me doing weekly

arduous therapy to rewire their brains

what i needed

was to teach them how to talk about

their emotions but more importantly

how to listen to them because really

every emotion has something

to teach us and let me tell you

when you ignore those feelings

it’s asking for trouble when we

hide the emotions that are scary or just

plain unpleasant

it can wreak havoc on our ability to

assess new situations

we don’t learn how to grieve properly

we minimize very real pain

and then shame ourselves for for being

weak

we push people away and we get into

toxic relationships when we ignore

our instincts we fail to learn

we fail to grow we just

fail according to bessel vander kulk

author of the body keeps the score the

best way to keep a traumatic situation

from growing into ptsd later is to

process

events and emotions quickly in a safe

and understanding space

but we need to be able to talk

specifically

about our feelings in order to do that

enter the emotion monsters

about three years ago i told my kids the

story that i’m about to tell you

and it has made a huge difference in our

lives i use it in our daily interactions

and i teach my friends to tell the story

to their children

as well and i want to give you the

opportunity

to add it to your repertoire as well now

i have a way to understand what’s going

on emotionally

with my kids and they have a way

to express what they’re feeling

inside when they lash out

or dissolve into tears or retreat into

silence

and as it would turn out they would need

those skills to convey their sense of

loss

grief fear

anger and bitter despair when their

worlds came to a halt in march

pandemic descended on us all and plunged

us into realities that

no parenting book equipped me to guide

them through

listen y’all i said

i want to tell you about little

creatures

that live inside you they’re like

little monsters they’re your feelings

each one is a different emotion

there’s joy and anger

and fear and guilt

and all the feelings that a person can

have

they’re always inside you but every once

in a while something will happen

it’ll cause one of them to come up and

grab your attention

there’s a little version of you in there

always waiting to

listen to them and then tell the big you

what they want to say

those little monsters will tug at your

sleeve or

knot your ankles they will roll around

and hop around just trying to get your

attention

every single one every single time

just wants a chance

to teach you

fear might want to say

this is a bad idea let’s not do it

sadness i might want you to know that he

really really misses grandpa

and anger sometimes likes to tell us

things like

hey that guy treated us pretty badly

you should get some better friends

only a lot of times we’re too busy

too impatient to listen to what they

have to say

or we’re afraid of what that might be so

we have a tendency to stuff those

monsters

into a box cram it

into a container and then slam a lid on

it

like i did and then take that box

and put it in a closet where we have

stuffed countless other

boxes containing countless other

monsters

we slam the door and breathe a sigh of

relief because who wants to deal with

all of that

they are just so needy much better to

lock them up right

except what happens if

one of those boxes just didn’t quite

shut all the way

maybe that monster was bigger than you

thought

it’s going to break free from its box

and then go open as many other

containers as it can

and now that closet is overflowing

with rowdy upset monsters who still have

something to say to you

they are going to break free and rush

over you

in a flood of furry confusing chaos

now what is big you doing

while inside you is dealing with this

well that’s where

meltdowns and outbursts come from

you might lash out at someone

or make a really bad decision

or you could shut down entirely and of

course that’s what happens

it is so frustrating confusing trying to

listen to all of those voices

all at once and now that they’re out you

have two

options you can try and put them back in

their boxes again

that’s even harder now or

you can sit with each monster

and listen to it like you should have

to begin with that means you have to do

something

called processing you have to call

each monster by name and address it

you have to allow your inside self to

say

okay anger what has you so upset

and that’s not always easy so you can

ask someone else for help

mom you can say i think sadness is

trying to tell me something but

i don’t understand and when you get

through

all of that the monsters will go on

their way calm and at peace and you will

be too

so how do we

as parents and educators

mentors and caregivers use that imagery

to help our kids

imagine a three to five year old is

terrified to use the bathroom at night

you can say i can see fear is bothering

you in there

likes to make a lot of noise i can help

you talk to him

sometimes it helps to show kids this age

a picture and have them point out which

monster

is making the most noise you can say

fear likes to tell us stories to warn us

so it’s important to listen

but do you think we need to be afraid of

the bathroom at night

and maybe yes the child does see a

reason to be afraid

so you can help them think of solutions

maybe a flashlight

or a night light a routine of checking

the shadows

and then they can go back and reassure

their fear monster that everything is

all right

they can say thanks for warning me but i

think it’s okay

or what if your seven to ten year old

lashes out

uses harsh angry tones with a sibling

and then runs off crying

encourage them to evaluate their

reaction

by saying whoa i can see some monsters

are fighting for your attention

does it feel like one monster has come

to talk to you or does this feel like

your closet is emptying of all the

monsters

let’s call them by name and see what

they want

fear is from last week when you had to

ride a horse after you fell off

oh i bet that was scary how do you feel

now

are you still afraid

sadness what does sadness want

oh you miss going to playgrounds

together

i do too do you want to think of

something fun and safe we can do instead

see encouraging kids to find solutions

teaches them resilience

while still validating what they’re

experiencing

and one of my favorite activities for

this age

is asking them to draw the monsters that

they’ve noticed throughout the day in a

notebook

journaling is an excellent tool in

therapy and this lays a great foundation

and the story can also help pre-teens

and young teens

i can tell mine to sit with their

monsters

which ones do you notice i can ask

what to cause them to get agitated

why are they talking to you now and how

do you think it wants you to react

my 13 year old son said to me once

mom i have some sadness monsters

at first i thought they were anger but

then i realized

i’m angry and frustrated because i feel

sad

and now talking to you i think i noticed

some fear monsters in there too

and that was a watershed moment for me

as a parent

getting kids to voluntarily share their

feelings

is such a triumph because it is so

common to hear

i’m fine when you ask how they’re doing

we can see that’s not true but how often

do we hear

nothing as a response when we ask

what’s wrong leaving that conversation

stuck and how often have

we as adults hit roadblocks in our

relationships in the form of

nothing or fine

and how often have we felt stressed and

overwhelmed

and found ourselves taking our feelings

out

on our loved ones when it comes to

talking about our feelings

we fall short because we’ve never really

learned to express that the stress we

feel

is actually a complex mixture of fears

of failure

or sadness maybe a little anger

learning to deconstruct our stress or

the funk

enables us to root out the individual

emotions and begin to address each

one in kind

like with the monsters sometimes

it’s enough to just name

those feelings when i started to name

the losses that i’ve accrued over my

lifetime

i was able to finally begin to mourn

them

i felt sad for experiences

that i never got to have i grieved for a

future

that will never come to pass i allowed

myself

to feel all of those painful

unpleasant emotions and then

release them allowing

joy and peace to fill me

see that’s the best part of this story

each time we sit with our emotions and

listen

to them we grow stronger

and wiser and more self-aware

our feelings don’t sit in a closet

for years whipping themselves into a

panic and then unleashing

in a torrent of breathtaking intensity

when you least expect it later

imagine something for me

imagine a world where children and

adults are

unafraid to talk about their emotions

because

it’s no longer something to be ashamed

of imagine

a world where taking care of our

emotional health

is as important as taking care of our

physical health

a free-flowing dialogue about mental

health

where going to a therapist would be as

normal as going to the dentist

imagine teaching our kids

that every emotion is valid

and important

in helping them dialogue through those

interactions

imagine all the empty closets

and dusty discarded boxes

unused because we’ve given kids the

tools

to evaluate their feelings communicate

around them

and process them in healthy proactive

ways

this story gives kids

a language to speak fluently

in their future relationships with

family and partners

co-workers classmates even people

they’ve never met

it gives them empathy and self-awareness

and understanding

do you notice that that monster

tugging at your sleeve that’s hope