Modern Motherhood The DoubleGuilt Cycle

hi

i’m vicki hicks a senior manager at bt

and a mother to two young children

savannah who’s five and jasmine who’s

two

i am here today to talk about the

realities of juggling children

with a career in 2020 and how to deal

with what i refer to

as the double guilt cycle pre-children i

worked long hours

was very career driven and really had no

one else to worry about but myself

like most parents life three children

were spontaneous

and easy i always wanted children so

once i got married

it just seemed like the next logical

step so five years ago i had my eldest

daughter

i was on my turn to leave enjoying cake

and coffee around various other new moms

houses

talking about our babies comparing notes

and had naively never really given the

realities of life

after maternity much thought

the concept of a stay-at-home mum is

something used less and less today

my mother and grandmother both gave up

work to have children and that was the

norm for both of them

none of their friends continued working

after children either

i remember my mum always being home

taking us to local play groups for

playdates with friends to see

grandparents

most modern families though can’t afford

for both parents not to be earning a

living

and i think as women strive for equality

more and more of us want to go to work

and contribute financially to the

running of the home

according to the office of national

statistics the number of women

who have dependent children and go out

to work have gone up by a million

in just two decades in england alone

almost three-quarters of mothers with

dependent children are now in full or

part-time work

it also costs approximately 250 000

pounds

to raise a child through to the age of

17 now

the majority of women no longer have a

choice as to whether they work or stay

at home

i don’t mind saying that i love work and

i always knew i would want to go back

i missed a conversation that wasn’t

about my children i missed really

challenging myself in the workplace

and i missed going to the toilet on my

own without a child clung to my leg

asking if they could help don’t get me

wrong

there’s nothing like the feeling of a

baby being completely dependent on you

to survive

to help you to see how important you are

but i have always felt a need to feel

important in other ways too

to feel i was learning that my brain was

being exercised

and that i was needed and successful at

something other than to keeping my

children happy

so i started looking at child care

options and again naively

had absolutely no idea how much child

minders and nurseries cost

i couldn’t believe that to send my child

to either just three days a week

would cost as much as the average woman

in the uk earns in a month

it’s easy to see how lots of women that

would perhaps like to work

make the decision to stay at home with

the children purely because it’s not

financially sensible for them to return

to work

i visited lots of different homes and

nurseries signed my oldest up for where

i thought she’d be happiest

and after 10 wonderful months at home

giving our little savannah my undivided

attention

i went back to work four days a week

people that know me will be unsurprised

to know that i had every intention

of not letting my career break impact my

career in any way

i went back to work determined to pick

up where i left off and get stuck in

i was definitely not prepared for those

first few weeks and months back in the

workplace

i was different i mean looking back at

it now

of course i was different i’d become a

mother my responsibilities and

priorities

and outlook on life had completely

changed overnight

and i had significant responsibility now

far more important than that of my

career

at the time though i couldn’t understand

why i felt so different

i lacked confidence in my own ability i

questioned

every decision i was making i felt

paranoid that everyone around me was

questioning why i wasn’t at home with

the baby

savannah still wasn’t sleeping through

the night and after settling her at 4 am

i was up at 6 to travel 2 hours to work

i was physically exhausted that coupled

with the mental exhaustion of worrying

how she was coping without me was

overwhelming

would the child mind remember she likes

her milk warm or that she needs a nap in

an hour

shall i call her and just check that

she’s read that two-sided a4 page of

notes i’ve written for her

did i remember to put a cardigan in her

bag in case she gets cold

i really hope her lunch is something she

likes she hates jam did i remember to

put that in my notes

will she remember who i am when i pick

her up what if she doesn’t want to come

home and prefers being at the child

minders house

maybe i should have given up my career

and stayed at home with her

honestly that irrational questioning of

myself didn’t stop for months

i’ve since been assured that that’s all

very normal but at the time

i felt like the only person in the world

feeling that way

that had to deal with those emotions and

that was spinning that many plates

at once it was in those first couple of

months at work that i learned

the true meaning of this thing i’d heard

so much about but never understood

mum guilt i actually found myself

trapped in some sort of vicious circle

of guilt though because for me

work guilt existed too the pressure to

continue to excel professionally

and not to let my team my managers or

most importantly myself down

and there is born what i refer to as the

double guilt cycle

for me that cycle i refer to was the

constant guilt but i’m a bad mother

because i put my children into nursery

and before or after school club and

don’t spend every living hour with them

doubled with the constant guilt as an

employee because i have a family that

will always be my top priority

i can no longer give my career

everything like i used to be able to

in those early days even whilst at work

i couldn’t concentrate on anything due

to the constant worry of whether my

daughter was okay

research shows that working mothers

spend 25 percent of their waking hours

worrying

worrying about the pressure to be a good

mother and a good worker

my husband’s an incredible father he’s a

very hands-on daddy but even still

he never feels the sense of worry i do

and that seems to be true for many

parents that i’ve spoken to

men or fathers don’t experience worry in

the same way

i think it’s a social conditioning thing

rather than a genetics thing

my dad worked really hard and i only

really remember seeing him at weekends

that was common for his generation and

not out of the norm

fathers went out to work to provide for

the family mother stayed at home and ran

the house

go back a further generation and my

grandmother will tell you my granddad’s

never even changed a nappy

and he has two children six

grandchildren and ten

great-grandchildren

it’s not a surprise that even today i

think society still expects the mother

to do the majority at home

for the kids organizing of everybody

it’s not really any wonder that we don’t

share some of that worry

after a few months back at work i knew

savannah was happy

i’d adjusted to the new routine for us

as a family i was finding my confidence

again at work

and i was determined to prove i could

juggle my career with being the best mum

that i can be

i’ve worked really hard and i’ve had

quite a lot of success professionally

since becoming a mum

i think that’s because i’ve found a way

to try and deal with that double guilt

cycle

when i’m working i’m on it 100 i will

always have mum guilt but i found a way

to start to manage it

the child minder nursery school whoever

it is

know where i am and how to get hold of

me if my babies need me

unless i hear otherwise though i’ve come

to learn that they are having the best

time with their friends

learning how to be independent women for

themselves and understanding that mummy

and daddy go out to work to give them

the best life

and so we can afford all the things that

we do together

i make the most of every minute at work

because when i’m at home with the family

i need to be on top of my game there too

and give my family 100 i commit to not

opening the laptop or checking work

emails at the weekend

so that i’m not distracted and can focus

on being a good mum

i work hard enough during the week to

enable that and i think after five years

of practice

i’ve finally found the right balance

though it hasn’t been easy

something that’s enabled me to find that

balance and be a good mum whilst having

a career

is the support of my husband we really

do share the responsibility of our

children and he’s a wonderful father

i’ve had multiple people say to me in

the past five years you’re really lucky

that your husband is so

hands-on with your kids and i usually

just nod and agree

because it’s easier and quicker to do

that than argue but why is it in 2020

i’m still considered lucky for having a

husband and co-parent

that does his fair share of looking

after his own children

don’t get me wrong i’m not denying i’m

not lucky to have married a wonderful

man

we’re both lucky to have found what we

have and i know not everyone is as

fortunate

but i’m not lucky that he’s such a

hands-on dad that’s his given right as a

father in the modern world

it’s not all a mother’s responsibility

anymore and sadly being told how lucky i

am all the time highlights all too often

how far we really still have to go on

the journey for true equality

i’d like to say i don’t have to deal

with the devil guilt cycle anymore but

that would be a lie

my children are inevitably affected by

my work when i know i’ve done a poor job

at work

i’m irritable when i need to meet a

deadline i’m definitely guilty of

thrusting the ipad into their hands over

breakfast so i can focus

my work is also inevitably affected by

my children

when they’re poorly i down tools to be

by their side and leave someone else to

pick up the pieces

when there’s a class assembly nativity

or sports day to attend

i switch off from work and be the proud

mum in the front row and make sure my

little girl sees my face and knows i’m

there

i really don’t think your career can

ever be the same after children

no working mother can be as competent in

her career as she was pre-children

on a practical level we just don’t have

the time

you can’t commit in the same way your

priorities change whether you like it or

not

that said mothers are super human

we can juggle numerous priorities better

than anyone

we can run on next to no sleep and still

get the job done

we have less time to waste so we become

more decisive

we are emotional most of the time so we

become more compassionate

we have laboured a baby and no challenge

at work will ever come close

which i think makes us really powerful

leaders

for those reasons i am a strong believer

that i’m a better employee now than i

was five or six years ago

the double guilt cycle will never go

away i will always have to reinvent ways

to deal with that and find the right

balance

i’m not an expert at this but i’ve

learned a lot about how to cope as best

i can with the guilt

and so if anyone listening to this would

benefit from a few tips

here are three things i wish someone had

told me

make to-do lists your best friend i

swear by them and i have lists for

everything

i wouldn’t get through a day without a

list of the things that need doing that

day as a minimum

remind yourself of the bigger picture

when you feel guilty about being at work

remind yourself that you’re there

because it enables you to earn the money

your children need your family needs to

thrive

when you feel guilty about being at work

remind yourself that the children need

you far more than your employer does

no one is irreplaceable in the workplace

and sadly

the work will be there waiting for you

when you return

finally don’t be a martyr you don’t have

to participate in every bake sale

you don’t have to attend the pta

meetings and you don’t have to ask for

more projects at work

all the time it’s okay to do your job

and do it brilliantly without constant

need for more

and it’s okay to grab hacker meals for

the kids occasionally when you’re too

exhausted to make dinner

there’s no such thing as being a perfect

man so stop trying to be one

to be a working mum in 2020 is hard

but it’s not impossible and it’s so

incredibly rewarding

thank you for listening