The Identity Crisis of the Working Mother

when i first told my family and friends

that i was having my baby

um they all said get your sleep now

because you’re not going to be getting

any once that baby comes so

this was entirely accurate but what they

didn’t tell me was

get your sleep now because there’s going

to be so many days in the future

where you will be on two hours of sleep

running late to work

struggling with your guilt because

you’re away from your baby

your productivity at work is going to

become virtually non-existent

and you’re going to spend moments locked

in your office

alternating between pumping milk and

crying your eyes out

that would have been a little more

accurate

you see prior to having my child my

entire identity could have been summed

up

in one word entrepreneur

i worked from when my eyes opened until

my eyes closed

seven days a week since i was running

three schools

a social media company and in the

process of buying a new

teeth whitening business see even women

who

aren’t entrepreneurs can relate to

defining themselves

whether that be through their jobs or

their careers

and whether they are doctors lawyers

engineers teachers

you know whatever we all define

ourselves through our careers or so many

of us do

and for me my work was everything and i

did not fully

understand this massive change that was

about to take place in my life

of course i had seen other women become

mothers

but it’s truly something that i feel you

have to go through to understand

and every woman’s journey to motherhood

looks

so different you see i actually lined a

signed a letter of intent to purchase

the teeth whitening business when i was

on the hospital bed shortly after being

given the medicine to induce

labor that is just an example of how

delusional i was

i told my husband i’ll have this baby

take two or three weeks to recover

and then i can come ramp this business

up i truly believed it and it would be

that simple and i actually did end up

going back to work in three weeks

it was however one of the biggest

mistakes of my life and put me into a

life threatening battle with postpartum

depression

i’d been warned about the baby blues but

once again

i had no idea what i was in for

see throughout high school and college i

had struggled on and off with anxiety

and depression

but postpartum depression was darker

than

anything i could have imagined it’s hard

to describe unless you’ve been through

it but

imagine treading waters for days my mind

body and soul had like reached this

point of exhaustion and despair

where all i wanted to do was give up i

did not want to be alive anymore

and there was one day where i dropped my

baby off at my mom’s house

and i drove off my sister end up ended

up having to call the police to ensure

that i returned home

safe and sound and i’m thankful for that

because i really didn’t know what was

going to happen that day

there was a loss that i was dealing with

at that time

my husband had recently been laid off

we’d purchased a teeth whitening

business for

a hundred and forty thousand dollars but

the owner had

provided us with fraudulent numbers so

we’d been scammed

we got into not one but two car

accidents

my baby had colic and would cry for two

to three hours a night

there was nothing i could do to console

her

and then my in-laws and i went from

having this perfect relationship to

barely speaking and i was diagnosed with

borderline personality disorder along

with postpartum depression

and along with all of that i didn’t know

who i was anymore

i felt like an imposter even trying to

call myself an entrepreneur

you see i no longer defined myself by my

work

but i didn’t want to be a stay-at-home

mom either

i was somewhere in between when i was at

work

i was thinking about my baby when i was

with my baby i was thinking about

work and so began the identity crisis

that

so many women can relate to so you might

be wondering

what happened to my businesses during

this time

well once i realized i’d been scammed

out of a hundred and forty thousand

dollars with the teeth whitening

business i had the option to try and

restructure the business

to save my investment but my mental

health was at the point where

like i physically and emotionally could

not continue

i put a sign on the door that said

closed and i walked away and i never

looked back

as for my schools i had a strong

management team in place that was able

to take over while i took time off to

recover

and i hit pause on my social media

company

my social media company had always been

more of a side hustle anyway

i built up my personal brand as sanya

kilchi

entrepreneur and social media expert and

i had used that to acquire clients whose

social media accounts

i ran like for their various businesses

and things of that sort

i ended up letting my clients go because

i needed

that time off like i knew i needed to

hit pause

for years i had posted every single day

about

entrepreneurship and social media

content on instagram

tick tock facebook but now i went

suddenly quiet

i didn’t even feel like an entrepreneur

anymore i had over a

million followers at this time but it

felt inauthentic to continue

posting on my personal brand until i

could process who this

new me was

during this time my family was my

absolute

lifeline they allowed me to take time

off and helped me care for my daughter

while i did some

much needed soul-searching and healing

it truly takes a village to raise a

child and that’s one of my biggest

pieces of advice

build that village because you really

can’t do it alone

too many women think that they have to

do it all and that they have to do it

all

by their self you don’t have to dress

like an influencer

run a successful company raise perfect

children

go on picture perfect date nights

maintain a super glam social life

keep a spotless home and healthy food on

the table

and travel the world to be good enough

you are good enough as you are even if

that means

unwashed hair a messy bun coffee stains

and spit up on your shirt

dishes that haven’t been done for days

and microwavable mac and cheese for

dinner

it’s time we normalize being real

instead of perfect because

perfect doesn’t exist and it’s time we

stop

holding ourselves to those standards

so after taking time away from my social

media

i made my return online the new

and improved sanya this time i shared

stories of my family

and from my life instead of social media

growth hacks like

how to gain 10 000 followers in a week

in entrepreneurship advice

at first everyone that knew me or

followed me was like extremely confused

i did lose thousands of followers at

this time

in fact believe it or not i completely

stopped posting on my facebook account

losers to legends which had over a

million followers

instead i built an account from scratch

on tick tock

where i shared with the world the new me

and it blew up instead of being

super niche specific as i had always

preached

i went from signia khilji entrepreneur

and social media expert

to just sign you killed you

and being myself was enough more than

enough actually

i shared stories from every single area

of my life

including mental health marriage

motherhood religion business

culture and more i didn’t hold back

and people loved it i rapidly

grew over 370 000 followers and created

new streams of income

online i was raw and unfiltered

i didn’t care what people thought of me

and i began to truly embrace

the beauty of intersectionality between

my personal and professional life

now i take my baby to work with me i

continue to manage my preschools while

running my personal brand on social

media

at signia khilji where i share stories

of what my day-to-day looks like as an

entrepreneur

as well as a mother a wife a daughter

a sister a muslim and a pakistani

american woman it really has come

together

so much more beautifully than i could

have ever imagined and now

i encourage others to do the same

so to the working mother i would like to

say this

stop feeling guilty when you are with

your child that you are not

working enough and stop feeling guilty

when you are

at work that you are not with your child

and to everyone whether you’re a mother

or not i’d like to say this

you are so much more than your job title

and your self-worth is so much more than

your income

find the real you at the intersection of

all these roles that you play and

embrace it

because the real you matters

thank you