The Myth of the Midlife Crisis

[Music]

what do you think of

when you hear the term midlife crisis

you might think of a guy taking off in a

sports car with someone half his age in

the passenger seat

definitely not one of his children

you might think of a woman sitting home

alone a little bit depressed and feeling

like she’s

just past her prime you might

chuckle like i’ll admit i have when you

give or you get

a birthday card that actually is poking

fun

of someone of a certain age

but the midlife crisis is no laughing

matter

it’s time to call it out for what it is

an

ageist trope that’s caused millions of

people

to feel disempowered and disengaged

and just when they reach a crossroads in

life

it stopped them in their tracks i’m here

to bust the myth

and to open your hearts and your minds

to the reality

and the potential for future decades

of love joy vitality

and impact but first

who am i to bust this myth we love to

hate

my passion for adult development and

aging

began when i was a child visiting the

menorah homan hospital

in brooklyn new york with my dad as he

would go and volunteer

by the time i was 25 i had a master’s

degree

in gerontology so i can safely say

i’ve studied adele development since

well before

i was an adult i’ve spent most of my

career

working with people at the midpoint of

their lives

helping them figure out where they are

where they want to go

and then building bridges to get there

too often i’ve heard from clients

friends

even acquaintances you’d be surprised

how often i’ll get pulled aside

at a party by someone who asks me barb

can you help me figure out what i want

to do when i grow up

and i know i’m supposed to be a grown-up

they’ve bought into this midlife crisis

myth

and most of them believe that their best

years are probably behind them

or worse they already feel defeated

like my client terry terry worked in the

same industry

for over 20 years he was handsome and

smart

he drove a fancy car terry even had

a killer view of the golden gate bridge

from his living room window

by all outer measures terry was the

picture of success

but on the inside terry was miserable

he was lonely he was depressed his work

left him listless

and regardless of those outer trappings

of success

he didn’t have significant savings and

he needed a regular paycheck

terry felt marooned

on this island of choices that he had

made

back in his twenties and thirties as he

explained to me

once you reach a certain age there is a

sticky commitment

to conformity that cements you into

place

i asked terry to trust me and to try

something out

i asked him to think of his life as a

book made up of chapters and to imagine

that he was going to pick up the pen and

write his greater

greatest chapter of all

terry fought those inner gremlins we all

have

telling him he shouldn’t rock the boat

that it was too late to change

the revelation terry remembered

that he loved to fly in fact

he loved anything having to do with

aviation and he had since he was a

little boy

but like so many of us he buried those

childhood dreams as just that

childhood dreams you don’t really take

to adulthood

but in this case terry found the courage

to experiment with ways in which this

could be a part of his life again

now it hasn’t been easy he started at

the bottom in fact it’s taken terry

the guts and the grit that most of us

associate

with youthful career exploration

but here’s what he recently shared with

me

he said i manage and sell aircraft and i

fly for a living

he told me he feels more adaptable and

open to change

than he’s ever felt and that he’s

happier than he’s been

in years he’s happily married

and he feels like his small company is

growing

honestly the real crisis

would have been for terry to stay in a

job that left him listless and depressed

the real crisis would have been for

terry to feel

those choices he made in his 20s and 30s

would cement him in place forevermore

so it is time to dismantle the myth of

the midlife crisis

the reality is that midlife may just be

one of the richest

most potential filled times of your life

what if we anticipated midlife as a time

to pick up your

pen and write future chapters

of joy love vitality

and impact in order for you to join me

and become a mythbuster here are some

things you need to know

the myth was born in 1965

when jacques elliott a 48 year old

psychoanalyst

literally invented the term he invented

it

after reading the biographies of famous

composers

and artists he admired like chopin

bach and beethoven all

white european men whom he thought

suffered

a crisis in their genius and lived in

the 17 and 1800s

yes this is really where it came from

just a year before that the phrase don’t

trust

anyone over 30 was popularized

making anyone in midlife and i’m

guessing that included

jacques elliott insecure about their

personal power

our national idolatry of all things

youthful had begun

necessitating the birth and emergence of

an increasingly

important and relevant word

ageism in case that doesn’t convince you

there is science-based research

not only refuting the crisis

but also validating our soon-to-be

century-long that’s 100 years

life expectancy we have more years of

living ahead of us not dying

but i don’t want to make short shrift

of the challenges in midlife there are

many

body parts wear out i know

i’m rocking titanium down my leg thanks

to technology and a new hip

but my new hip doesn’t make me old

it makes me me a hiker a sometime yogi

and i don’t want to brag but i can do a

split better than some 20 year olds

midlife can be really hard

just like adolescence can be hard

our problem in midlife is one of

expectations why is it

that we keep expecting that once we grow

up

our decisions have been made our

successes earned

or not and our agency

our agency to change and write new

chapters

has evaporated

challenging life experiences happen

whether you’re 18 you’re 48 or you’re

the key is to sit at the feet of your

life

and to learn from it then there are

pathways

to personal growth this is especially

true today

in light of the social political and

health related challenges

we’re facing adults

midlife and better as i like to call

them

are a formidable force for good in the

world

we’re needed now more than ever

did you know you can go online

and calculate your life expectancy based

on choices you’re making today

i recently received my results and

according to this detailed analysis

i’ve got more than four decades ahead of

me

and here’s what i know i know that my

path won’t always be clear

and my path won’t always be easy but i

also know i have the wisdom within

and i will figure it out because i’m not

in crisis i’m just getting going

my advice bust the myth of the midlife

crisis

stop pointing ageist arrows at yourself

and maybe others take some advice from

terry

drop your sticky commitment to

conformity

pick up your pen be the author

of your future life story unearthing the

wisdom

that only years on this planet have

given you

that’s not called a crisis

that’s called living