Accepting the Unacceptable Living Through a Pandemic

hello

it’s so wonderful to be here speaking

with all of you

and it feels symbolic

that i’m talking to an empty auditorium

it’s another reminder of the state of

our world

we’re all going through something

historic and unprecedented in our time

and we’ve all had varied experiences

during this crisis but

the umbrella theme is still the same

you and i are living through a pandemic

none of us have been taught how to deal

with these kinds of circumstances

the months trickle by but the thought

that haunts us all stays the same

when is it going to end

when can i pick up where i left off

it’s difficult to talk about covid19

and the impact it’s had on every facet

of life

while remaining positive how do we talk

about something debilitating with the

sense of

hope how do we remain engaged

in living our lives and working towards

our goals

in the face of such an uncertain future

the last six months have been really

tough for me

being a college student has been a huge

part of my identity

i started taking collegiate level

courses in high school when i was 14

and began community college at 15 years

old

i missed out on a lot of those classic

adolescent experiences

and for went a lot of living in the now

so that i could pursue my future

i had a lot of aspirations goals and

plans i was striving toward

and had just taken my first steps

towards a future i was excited about

i decided to apply to my dream graduate

program

so i was getting involved in student

leadership opportunities

touring grad schools going to

conferences

and working hard to build up my academic

portfolio

when quarantine started lockdown seemed

like

a brief inconvenience to wait out but

as the weeks dragged on i realized that

my enthusiasm for my plans

started floundering all the events i had

were cancelled

i felt like i was having to drag myself

through my classes

i wasn’t researching or learning

i wasn’t myself i felt

sad and it took me a while to recognize

and call that sadness what it was

grief

when i think about grief and how it’s

expressed

i think about elizabeth kubler-ross’s

model of grief

commonly referred to as the five stages

of grief

it’s a framework philosophy that can

help give people a better understanding

of their emotions around

laws the five stages of grief are denial

anger bargaining depression

and acceptance and it was amazing to

realize that because of this pandemic

i had been experiencing the stages for

myself

first there was my denial

when school first shut down we all

thought it would be temporary

the constant message was that this would

be short-lived

and that it wouldn’t have a major impact

on anything

right see that’s a huge part of the

denial

this isn’t happening and by this i mean

a major disruption to all plans for the

foreseeable future

keep hoping that your graduation will be

in person

and that concert you bought tickets for

in two months should still be performing

besides the virus will disappear when

the weather warms up won’t it

it was a time of baited breath and

buckling down

and this felt like most of spring term

for me and a lot of my colleagues

the thought was if we could push through

this one virtual term

we could get back to a sense of normalcy

but we all know being that spring term

was

several months ago that hasn’t been the

case

then came the anger

what hold on summer is going to be

virtual too

we just got through the gut punch that

was spring

now summer now

fall this is no longer

anything resembling brief

i was angry that i was supposed to live

this way

zoom calls were awkward and glitchy all

of spring term but

i let it slide because i thought

there was a finite amount of time i’d

have to deal with them

when the realization came that there was

no clear end in sight

i felt tricked like a rug

had been yanked out from under me this

is also the stage of grief where

i started to feel alone there had been a

lot of camaraderie

in denial we were all hoping for the

best together

but anger was lonely

am i the only one upset by this how are

people

moving on none of this feels right

after that was bargaining i’d lost so

much

time at this point months have passed by

and i felt like i would only keep losing

more

i was what ifing myself sick

what if everyone i know has already

adapted and found ways to thrive right

now

and i’m the only one who hasn’t if i can

just power through summer

the same way i powered through spring

everything would be

fine bargaining was my stage of false

hope

i thought i could avoid the grief by

negotiating with myself

it was a difficult stage to get through

because it brought me a sense of

false productivity but it wasn’t real

i was still just trying to get back to

the person i was before the pandemic

still chasing after my old notions of

normalcy

that reality isn’t present anymore and

chasing after it is like

chasing after a dream i can’t negotiate

my way out of my problems

i can’t ignore them so i stopped running

and i started really soaking up my

surroundings

i saw my new normal for what it was and

realized

that virtual life wasn’t going anywhere

and then my longest age of grief started

depression

once i opened my eyes to my current

reality

i wasn’t happy i didn’t like the person

i was becoming during this pandemic

i felt a strong sense of helplessness i

felt lost

activities felt less meaningful i had

been disconnected

for so long at this point my depression

eventually left me

indifferent to finishing school

something that was once

a cornerstone in my life you’re going to

school there’s no way you’re not going

to school

it suddenly became an idea that was soft

and malleable once the actual act of

going anywhere

was removed from the equation

i felt like i was losing the best parts

of myself

who am i without my friends without

school

how can i have these big dreams when i’m

confined to my house

to my screen i’m a very future oriented

person but

talking about the future and making

plans had become

taboo in my head a pandora’s box

i didn’t touch because the future was

now too uncertain for me to try to build

a life around

but this next lesson i learned is one

that

finally brought me to an actual place of

acceptance

even though the future looks uncertain

and i felt like i could no longer

control

how it was going to go i realized that

the control

and the precision that i thought i once

had over my future

had never really been there from the

start

and that the future is always uncertain

no matter what we tell ourselves to the

contrary

so i still need to find ways to work

towards my success

in a future that isn’t perfectly mapped

out for me

so now we’ve come to acceptance the now

the naya who’s sitting here in front of

you

talking to you about accepting one’s

circumstances and making the most of

them

acceptance takes many forms for me and

one of those forms is motivation

but now even still my acceptance and

motivation

of the situation fluctuates

before kovid i could always find that

motivation again

if a class was interrupted by something

unexpected

like an injury or issues with

relationships

i would retreat back into my goals and

my plans

it was a comfort an anchor

but now what used to be a straight line

easy to follow where it was headed

now feels like a broken cord that i have

to tape together to hold its shape

instead of it being a linear path it’s

now this

little squiggly line that fluctuates and

dips

it’s moving upwards yes but not in the

same way that it was before

and i’ve chosen to accept that

i’m accepting the fact that i’m not the

same person i was when this pandemic

started

i’ve toughened up we’ve all had to

in the past few months we’ve experienced

a health epidemic

acts of police brutality one of the

largest civil rights movements in

history

riots and now massive wildfires that are

consuming the west coast

all while i try to keep up my grades

and juggle the rest of my everyday life

tasks

and retain my sanity it’s an insanely

high expectation

for any of us to have of ourselves to go

through these things

and remain unaffected

i’ve learned that it’s okay to feel

scared of the future

it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and

sad and confused but it’s

important to remember in the midst of

all of this madness

to live out the kind of life that you

can be proud of

my learning and my success hasn’t

stopped

just because i’m not on campus anymore

and that’s something i have to remind

myself

there’s a large gap between action and

inaction a canyon filled with all of the

excuses we tell ourselves

to soothe our own fears but we have to

close that gap

cross that canyon and start living life

to its full potential

this pandemic has taught me so much

about resilience

and made me passionate about college

student success

i’ve worked with various departments at

portland state to create a list of 20

resources

that can aid students in finding greater

success for themselves

because my goal was to create a list

that any college student could

utilize most of the resources aren’t

specific to psu

i’ve had experience with a lot of the

programs so i’ve included

insights into the application process

departments and contacts that can help

you get started

and many others this list isn’t

comprehensive but

it’s a fantastic place to start

it’s available on my linkedin and you’re

more than welcome to connect with me

while you’re there

i know that we’ve all been through a lot

and feeling

disconnected and unmotivated are

perfectly reasonable responses to the

reality that we’re living in

but it’s become clear that this is a

marathon and not a sprint

and we have to find our balance again

humans need connections we need goals

and dreams

i hope that sharing my personal story

has helped you to know

that you are not alone and struggling

i hope that you will find the strength

to start to rebuild a life

that suits you and meets your needs

even if it isn’t the same one that you

had to let go of

know that i’m wishing you well

you