How to avoid catching prickly emotions from other people Jessica Garza
Transcriber: Leslie Gauthier
Reviewer: Joanna Pietrulewicz
So I’m a sports
and performance psychologist,
which means I get to work
with a lot of people
like elite athletes,
military professionals
and top government agencies,
whose career and safety
depend on peak performance.
And I’ll never forget
this one story a soldier told me
about his time serving in Iraq.
It was around the early 2000s
when the United States had military
operations in both Iraq and Afghanistan.
And during this time,
many locals were encouraged
to come forward
and share information
about potential threats.
So one day this Iraqi man
approaches the gate of a US outpost
to share intelligence
about a possible threat.
But instead of being treated like an ally,
he was met with hostility
by the soldier who was debriefing him.
But that’s likely because
just days earlier,
soldiers from another unit
were killed in a surprise attack.
And so as the interview continued,
so did the soldier’s irritation.
And as a result,
the Iraqi man became frustrated.
In the end, tempers were flaring so high
that the interview was cut short,
and the following day,
two separate units were hit
by roadside bombs.
Of course we’ll never know for sure
if the attacks could have been stopped
had the interview gone differently,
but the reason why
I’m telling you this story
is because it’s an excellent example
of a supercommon problem
that keeps so many of us
from performing at our best.
And it’s how well we’re able
to regulate our emotions,
which is one of the most common
drivers of a good and bad performance.
And it turns out how well you’re able
to regulate your emotions
depends on how susceptible you are
to a principle called emotional contagion.
It’s just like it sounds.
It’s how quickly you can catch
the emotions of other people
and then take them on as your own.
The problem is though,
most of us are highly susceptible
to other people’s emotions,
which means even the smallest
external factor can impact
how we perform at work,
on the field, and even at home.
But lucky for us,
we can learn how to avoid
other people’s emotions
by becoming better at regulating our own.
So here’s how I like to think about this.
Take a look.
Now at a glance, this looks like a giant,
teddy bear-looking shrub, right?
I remember seeing one of these
for the very first time
while hiking in Arizona,
and because it looked soft,
I reached out to touch it.
But by the time my hand was close enough,
the spines on the branches
jumped and pricked me –
literally, my hand was covered.
And every time I tried to remove one,
that little sucker would break off
and it would burrow deeper into my skin,
just like the guy in the video.
(Video) Man: Argh!
Jessica Garza: And this plant –
it has the perfect name.
It’s called the jumping cholla,
and it left a lasting impression –
figuratively and literally.
So much so that when I teach people
how to regulate their emotions
and avoid catching
the emotions of other people,
I refer to the “jumping cholla effect.”
And over the years,
I have concluded that the jumping chollas
are just like people.
They can be pricks,
and if you’re not careful,
they can borrow deep into your skin.
So to understand
how this happens in real life,
I think it’s helpful to know
what emotions actually are.
And there’s two popular theories
about where emotions come from.
The first theory is called
cognitive appraisal,
which basically says
that the experience of an emotion
is actually you evaluating
if your current situation
aligns with your goals or expectations.
So let’s say you’re on your way home
to share some exciting news
with your significant other.
You walk through the door,
you find them sitting on the couch,
but instead of a hello
or “how was your day?”
they leave the room without saying a word.
Now, that’s not how you expected
your evening to go,
which could lead to the emotion
of feeling annoyed.
Does that make sense?
The other theory is called
physiological perception,
which is all about the emotions
we subconsciously assign
to the physical changes in our body.
Public speaking is a great way
to understand this.
How perfect, right?
Usually, right before I speak
I get butterflies in my stomach.
Now, if I had that same physical feeling
the last time I spoke in public
and the speech went well,
I may interpret that situation
or that sensation
as the emotion of excitement.
But let’s just say
I bombed my last speech.
I may now interpret that butterfly feeling
as nervousness or fear.
Basically, we overlay
our physiological perception
from our past experiences
onto our current situation.
And what’s interesting
is that both of these theories
also play into how we assess
the emotions of other people.
Because the part of the brain
that processes emotion and memory –
the limbic system –
is considered to be an open-loop system,
which means it can be influenced
by any external factor.
Think about it:
have you ever passed by someone,
and without saying a word,
you could feel how annoyed
or how excited they were?
And then maybe you felt
annoyed or excited too.
It’s an interesting
concept to think about,
because our brains are hardwired
to pick up these subtle cues
in our environment,
which makes it possible
for the other person’s emotions
to jump and attach to you.
But what many people don’t realize
is that every human being
is affected by our open-loop system.
Many people at work
or many people on the same team
inevitably catch feelings
from one another,
sharing everything from jealousy
to envy and worry to joy.
The more cohesive the group,
the stronger the sharing of moods.
And we see this play out
in sports all the time.
And sometimes even in a good way,
like if the team is getting beat
but the captain regulates
his or her emotions
and stays grounded and present,
that can increase the likelihood
that the rest of the team
will stay grounded and present as well –
which is great when it happens,
but all it takes is for one person
on that team to express a negative emotion
for the whole thing to fall apart.
Now take a moment and think about
how long you’ve held onto an irritation,
especially after an encounter
from a prickly person.
Was it days?
Weeks? Months?
Man, I had this one boss,
who I let his negative emotions
jump and attach to me.
And I held onto them for a year –
literally a year.
And when I think back now,
I can’t help but cringe
because of all the productivity lost
and the amount of stress that I felt
all because my boss and I
caught each other’s frustrations
and couldn’t escape the cycle
of the jumping cholla effect.
But the ideal situation,
which improves team and group dynamics
as well as individual happiness,
is for everyone to control
their emotional state
by sending back the other person’s
emotions to them.
And research shows that there’s two
common emotion regulation strategies
that can help.
And I use both of these
with my clients all the time.
Do you remember cognitive appraisal
where you assign meaning to a situation
based on your goals and expectations?
Well, the first strategy is called
cognitive reappraisal,
where you work to reframe
how you interpret the situation
in order to regulate your emotions.
It’s like taking active steps
to reevaluate your hiking path
in order to avoid the jumping cholla.
Let me give you an example.
So I once had this soldier
who was training
to become an interrogator.
And every time he got feedback,
he immediately became defensive
and then would justify his behavior.
Eventually he told me
that he acted that way
because he thought his instructor
just didn’t like him.
So with the use of cognitive reappraisal,
he was taught to actively pause
and reframe his interpretation
and expectation of the situation.
So if he thought “my instructor hates me,
he always looks upset,”
he would reframe that thought to
“he may look upset
but he takes the time
to walk me through what I need to fix.”
Now training your brain
to reframe takes time,
and sometimes it’s not easy
because there’s a hint of truth
within each of our thoughts.
But if you work consistently on reframing,
you’ll be able to engage prickly people
without being negatively affected
by the other person’s mood.
Acceptance is the other
emotion regulation strategy.
It means what you think.
It’s learning to accept
a moment for what it is
and not for what you want it to be.
And when I teach people how to do this,
I use a three-step framework:
“OK; so what; now what.”
By saying “OK,” you halt
any additional judgment
to the person or to the situation.
You then allow yourself space
to accept your physiological responses
and your perception to what’s happening.
And once you’ve distanced yourself
from your thoughts
and your emotional state,
then you can say, “so what”
because this helps acknowledge
what happened purely as an event.
And as you transition into “now what”
that means that you’ve gathered
enough information
to be able to respond to the event.
Now most people can get to “OK,”
but struggle to get past “so what”
because it can be difficult
to detach our physiological
perception from the situation.
But here’s what I tell
people to keep in mind.
Acceptance doesn’t mean
that you’re OK with what happened
or that you even want it to continue.
It means that you’re able to take
an aerial shot of the exchange
and understand
where the prickly spines are
and if they’re worth attaching to.
Now, both of these strategies
are my favorite
because they’re so powerful,
especially on the effects that they have
on how we approach life and relationships.
And one study even suggests
that cognitive reappraisal
tends to be associated
with more immediate emotional relief
in negative situations,
whereas acceptance may be better suited
for decreasing short-term physiological
reactions in unpleasant situations.
But the best part?
Both of these strategies
don’t have to be separate practices.
Acceptance and cognitive reappraisal
can be used interchangeably
in order to maintain
emotional self-control.
The key though to implementing them
is to become self-aware
when you become emotionally
triggered by another person or event.
And once you’ve consciously become aware
of either your thoughts, emotions
or physical sensations,
well then you can practice
either technique.
These may be common concepts,
but I’ll tell you they’re definitely
not commonly practiced.
So by remembering
the jumping cholla effect,
it will help you to be more
self-aware and self-regulated.
And in turn, well,
you’ll avoid getting pricked by …
a prick.
Thank you.