Look at this beard Im a man

[Applause]

on june 4th

2018 i walked into work like it was any

other day

i came in picked up my keys checked in

with the captain

and started walking down the hallway

back to the academic school

as soon as i got in the hallway my

vision started to blur

my vision blurred i got dizzy i had to

lean up against the wall to support

myself

security staff responded and escorted me

over to the facility hospital

when i got to the facility hospital my

blood pressure was 160 over 100

my heart rate was 110 beats per minute

and i was sweating profusely

something sergeant bell unfortunately

found out for himself as he put his arm

around me to escort me into the hospital

i had shooting pains down both of my

arms classic heart attack symptoms

when waiting for the ambulance my blood

pressure calmed down a little bit heart

rate started to subside

by the time i got to the hospital

everything was completely normal

ekg ct scan blood work all normal

the doctor walked in and said mr edwards

i think you most likely had a panic

attack

i was embarrassed i was mortified i

don’t get panicked

i’m a man i work in a maximum security

correctional facility i’ve got ice

flowing through my veins i’m the

portrait of common under pressure

look at this beard i’m a man

six pack abs rugged chiseled features

adonis reborn

[Applause]

now obviously most of that isn’t true

the truth is is that i get affected by

anxiety as much as anybody else but as

studies suggest

probably even more so it shouldn’t come

as a surprise to anybody in this room

but literally every human being

associated with incarceration

is more likely to be affected negatively

by mental health issues

for incarcerated individuals 23 will

have a major depressive disorder

and suffer from higher rates of suicide

mortality self-harm and anxiety

for those of us that work in prison one

in six will have a major depressive

disorder

one in five will abuse alcohol and we

commit suicide at a rate higher than any

other profession combined

fifty percent of us will have some form

of anxiety disorder

think about that it’s heavy those

statistics are heavy

whether staff or inmate alike what we

need to realize is that we all

physically exist inside of this place

together and the effects on our minds

and bodies are significant

so let’s talk about anxiety for a minute

the statistics i said before

said 50 of the people associated with

incarceration will have some form of

anxiety disorder

but we don’t really talk about it in

prison i made those jokes before about

being a man but outside of this place i

don’t

act particularly macho i don’t try to

come off with a false sense of bravado

but inside of here there is a sense of

aggro masculinity that just seeps into

you this thing that tells you that if

you let your walls down even for a

second people are going to see your

weaknesses

and they’re going to try to exploit them

it makes me feel like

i can’t tell my co-workers that yes some

days i’m nervous walking into this place

that’s true makes me feel like i can’t

tell the officers i work with that

outside of here

if i hear shouting or a door slams

unexpectedly my chest tightens right up

makes me feel like i can’t tell my boss

that crowds bother me now what they

never did before

like what would they think of me would i

still be fit to work here

like the anxiety that this place takes

on our bodies is significant

and if you don’t find a release or an

outlet for that anxiety

your body will literally find one for

you for me

that manifested in a panic attack a

physical release of my body for all the

anxiety

and stress that i had built up in my

system so what i’m going to share with

you today

are some strategies okay unfortunately

there’s no cure-all

no quick fix no panacea for anxiety what

works for some

don’t work for others the first thing

that i chose to do

is i go see a counselor now people don’t

talk about it has a stigma

but i see a counselor you know what we

talk about none of your damn business

and that’s the point a

counselor is someone completely removed

from your situation

someone who can view your situation

objectively and can give you legitimate

strategies and advice on how to handle

your anxiety

now i realize for me as a staff member

it’s easier to seek out counseling than

an inmate someone who’s incarcerated

but for me in my opinion and i’m not a

professional

the best counseling doesn’t always have

to come from a professional i get

counseling regular from friends

family and co-workers sometimes for me

the best counseling comes from a 22

pound dog named sheamus

yup oh look at him

he doesn’t even know what an applause

break is i’m gonna tell him he got one

he always listens he never complains and

he just tries to kiss me when it’s all

over

but the thing about it is he you need

someone objective to talk to you about

that anxiety because if you can’t talk

about what’s

actually bothering you it’s actually

inside your head you’re not getting that

necessary release and it’s a necessity

working in this place

the next thing are hobbies a lot of

people exercise

obviously that’s not working out for me

but what i will say is i have hobbies

that really worked out for me

but i don’t want to intimidate anybody

here with them my hobbies are

sophisticated

they’re highbrow you have to be

intelligent and i don’t want to leave

anybody in the dust when i describe them

so try to follow along with me

the first thing i do is i play video

games

this may seem childish to some but video

games for me offer a very necessary and

important form of release

they give me a distraction from the

rigors from the present from everyday

life

for some people this comes in the form

of reading a book or watching movies or

journaling

exercise doing artwork artwork whatever

having a distraction from the present is

important and even more so in this place

what i’ve found is that we don’t often

take the necessary time to check out of

our own lives

because we’re so worried about

everything going on around us for me

that checkout is video games now some of

you laugh some you might think it’s

childish

but once i started openly talking about

playing video games in this place

people came out of the woodwork to talk

to me about games you’d be surprised how

many people play them

i remember one day i walked into work i

was walking down the corridor back to my

area

and a rather large officer waves me over

to him he’s kind of looking over his

shoulder both ways says he needs to talk

to me and i got nervous i’m like

something wrong did i screw something up

and he leans in real close and whispers

he’s like hey brian do you play pokemon

cause i need somebody to trade with

and i was like whatever nerd and i kept

talking no no

of course yeah that’s it’s be open about

who you are

it’s important another hobby of mine

that really works for me is cross

stitching

i cross stitch not exactly something you

would associate as a manly thing to do

but it really works to center me

following across such pattern

brings me a sense of peace it silences

the noise that occupies all of our minds

sometimes i combine my love of video

games and cross stitching

into a one-two punch of anxiety and ass

kicking relief right there see that

look at those guys right there

that’s from mike tyson’s punch out any

nerds out there

it might seem ridiculous to some but i

was afraid to talk about this for years

talking about anxiety to me feels dirty

we’re engineered to not do it

to me it feels like you’re complaining

that your caviar is too cold or that

audi you just bought is too expensive

in here we’re engineered to think oh you

got a case of the worries let me get you

a tissue

but the reality is that all of us are

affected by this and we just don’t like

talking about it

whether it’s a sense of masculinity or a

sense of wanting to seem together in a

place like this

or just being embarrassed about the

things that you have going on we don’t

like talking about it

what i challenge everyone here to do is

if you live

work or volunteer in a correctional

facility is to talk

openly about the anxiety you have you’re

going to find that not only will you get

help which is good

but you’re going to see the people

around you start to get help too

ever since i started talking about it

i’ve seen people that i’ve referred to

go see counseling to go get help now

they are referring people to see

counseling and get help

they are talking about their anxiety and

more people are coming to talk about it

ironically the only sure-fire way to

become more comfortable with yourself

is to talk about the things that make

you uncomfortable

take that talk to somebody about their

anxiety and try to make somebody else a

little happier

thank you very much

you