Speaking the Truth at Work

do you wish your boss were more

self-aware ever frustrated

by being micromanaged but didn’t say

anything

feel under-appreciated at work

there are many things in life i’m unsure

about

one thing i’m not at work you don’t

always say what you think needs to be

said

and not just you your co-workers hold

back too

this is a monstrous work injustice

when you hold back what needs to be said

you’re not using your voice

not being who you are and that’s not

right

worse again and holding back neither you

nor your organization

are fulfilling your potential this is

tragic i can’t stand it

see my day job is guiding senior

management to win

as one i help leaders commit to each

other’s success

build powerful chemistry to lead

together and outperform

i love it most people though don’t love

work gallup research reports 85

of the world’s employees are disengaged

at work the cost

7 trillion dollars in lost economic

productivity

massive underperformance for 85

work as a drag causing an epidemic of

holding back

and not just the rank and file managing

directors of banks

partners of law firms deans of

universities have said

molly i can’t say that senior leaders

not saying what needs to be said

haven’t helped those five levels down

the very next thing i hear

it’ll never change

perhaps you feel vindicated ha it’s not

just me

you’re in good company and misery may

love it but this is nonsense

well it might feel like zoom and webex

have taken over your life

these crazy coveted times are an epic

opportunity

to finally reinvent how you and those

around you interact

i understand you see barriers to

speaking up you think your boss or

colleagues need to change

if you think someone else keeps you from

speaking up

there’s not much upside for you in this

talk on the other hand

if you’re open to owning your fair share

i have three key skills

to help you say it skillfully so that

you overcome any barriers and achieve

your

full potential even better

you’ll be free to be a human at work and

together we’ll win

as one i’ll take you through two common

scenarios

and show you how to skillfully speak up

versus sit silent on the sidelines

here’s the first one ten of you are

debriefing a major

project you’re stunned the project lead

alex

throws folks not in the meeting under

the bus

people nervously gaze down crickets

you know these folks can defend

themselves and want to say something but

don’t know what

caught off guard you’re speechless

processing what you just heard and

missed the chance

to influence the situation this meeting

ends with unfair blame

and worse breeds lack of transparency

and trust

under the bus business speak for oh well

gotta blame someone may seem a fact of

life

fear not i’ll deconstruct what’s going

on and how you can step

up in the debrief alex

who you felt through the folks under the

bus thinks they’re the culprits

not out of malice this is alex’s reality

but you and others thought wait isn’t

there more to the story

you had a different reality though

didn’t speak up

so the team wasn’t on the same page you

all lacked an accurate shared reality

easy to blame the project lead for a

premature conclusion

but you didn’t call alex out which

contributed to the problem

you’re not a bad person you’re shocked

maybe even afraid

to disagree with the project lead i get

it

what if instead of being stunned into

silence

you skillfully said hey alex i want to

jump in

i hear your point of view and want to be

respectful are we saying these folks are

at fault

just want to be sure i’m understanding

pause for clarification

your tone of genuine curiosity helps

temper a defensive response

perhaps you misunderstood and this

clears the air

if not i understand we want to be

responsive to management

so you all know with what i understand

that’s not my conclusion

putting myself in their shoes i’d ask us

to unpack the full story and not leave

here assuming they’re at fault

but i’m happy to talk to them and report

back

congratulations you overcame your

initial shock

took a deep breath and let go of your

anxiety and with courage and curiosity

you followed your moral compass without

accusing or being negative

and model transparency and action you’re

a hero this is

possible one more scenario then i’ll

share a framework to help you be the a

even a plus player in the eyes of your

bosses and colleagues alike

okay the marathon weekly status call

once again

sam is going on and on hijacking the

call

drives you crazy if you on the call ever

say anything

maybe because sam takes so much air time

familiar feel like meetings are a waste

or could be so much better

no one reigns in sam in quiet

frustration

you look down and do email

hardly world-class meeting performance

and doesn’t exactly make you love your

job

imagine hearing yourself skillfully say

sam i appreciate your passion and

expertise

we’re fortunate for it i’m actually a

bit

lost would you kindly sum up the main

points a sentence or two

after you loop back with positive

reinforcement

hey sam your top takeaways are super

helpful thanks

wow you kept meeting on track and sam

felt

appreciated awesome to use your voice

positively and

productively seriously

you could do this here’s what you need

to know

your relationship with yourself and

others makes or breaks your success

the group or individual with the highest

intelligence or skill set

doesn’t necessarily come out on top

those who create

an accurate shared reality make the best

decisions

execute with speed and achieve great

outcomes

let’s unpack shared reality beyond

physical time

space and distance there’s little

objective reality

in any situation you have your reality

your colleagues have theirs

all of you think your reality is right

that’s why you have it but that can’t be

the group’s not on the same page this is

jet fuel for dysfunction

and disengagement lack of shared reality

is kryptonite to people working together

well

shared reality results when two or more

people make the effort to build a common

view of the world around them

this view may be narrow as in what

skills must our next new hire have

or far-reaching how do we know all

employees understand and buy

into our vision shared reality is like a

launch pad

it’s a common platform from which we can

soar and the sky is the limit

individually and collectively when

people speak without fear and feel

hurt work together to make good ideas

great

and let go but doesn’t serve us we

create more value in meaning than we

ever thought possible

this is what it means to win as one

people trust

they can be who they are find the best

ways to work together

and play the game for each other just

like the championship teams

so how does your group get to a shared

reality

you must hear all relevant voices

especially the dissenting or unpopular

ones

this is essential only with transparency

are you aware of a disconnect

much less able to address it you may be

like most

who find it hard to disagree with your

boss suggest an idea that might be wrong

or admit you don’t know the answer

you’re not a bad person for holding back

but you are perpetuating the disconnects

we saw with alex and sam

two options say nothing and knowingly

contribute to the problem

call this place small or learn to say it

skillfully

and be part of the solution you play big

you may think sure molly in the land of

unicorns and rainbows

this makes total sense i want all this

but my boss

management co-workers don’t

i hear you your boss doesn’t want to

hear it colleagues not making it safe

the rubber meets the road your boss

drives to work

gripping the steering wheel saying i’m

gonna make it so scary no one tells me

what i need to hear

and i never want to be self-aware

your colleague flies out of bed and

blurts what a great day

can’t wait to see how crappy a teammate

i can be

doubt it more likely they’re unaware of

their behaviors and negative impact

and unless someone says something they

will never know

if someone felt disrespected by you or

thought you were missing key

information wouldn’t you want to know

now you may work in a toxic squash

employees to a pulp environment

they exist where people aren’t valued

more skillfulness

is not the answer step back there are

workplaces that deserve you

while daunting to leave the evil you

know by staying you allow

toxic culture to endure you have much to

contribute

give yourself permission to find those

who value you

for the rest i’m not pretending work is

a fairy tale

even when you know people want the tough

news it can be uncomfortable

even scary you don’t want to offend look

bad or risk your job

i understand you want to speak up but

struggle

what words do i use how do i come across

the right way

it’s straightforward we’ll start with a

logic that underlies a skillful approach

to challenging conversations

think of your role along two dimensions

task

and relationship task is often at the

forefront

hit the numbers make the deadline the

relationship dimension though

underpins the highest performance what

matters most in relationship

is how we navigate our communications

with ourselves

and others for sure the task must get

done

but by focusing less on tasks and more

on communicating ways that show you

value people as humans you make the work

easier to accomplish

effective communication is about what

others hear

not what you think you said let’s go

back to those non-world-class meetings

you feel stuck in and help you to be

part of the solution

on the marathon status call you’re

legitimately frustrated

too many resources tied up you

participate

but is coming across frustrated

productive

step one of effective communication is

how you

show up think of this as your energy or

vibe

you can make the work harder or easier

before you utter a single word

let go of emotions that won’t help you

objectively see the situation

or come across the way you want to be

heard

form a good relationship with yourself

don’t let frustration get the best of

you

a few deep breaths helps ask yourself

what holds you back afraid to step on

the facilitator’s toes

or people think you’re not a team player

figure out what’s going on within

so you can be open about it step two

put yourself in others shoes who knows

what tough stuff they’re going through

approach in a way that will land for

them would you rather help a complaining

colleague

or one who first acknowledges and

appreciates you

would your boss be more receptive if

you’re defeatist and timid

or hopeful and self-assured choose an

energy that supports how you want to be

perceived

and the work to be done step three

get clear on your intention what do you

want to happen

that supports the whole team speaking up

genuinely to help the whole

you’re not going to look bad quite the

opposite

these three steps in action go like this

starting with how you show up

exhale any negativity inhale and

intentional energy

like inspiration and possibility your

words might be

hey team here’s an observation welcome

your thoughts

first i appreciate we all want

productive meetings

and thank you scott for all you do on

each week’s agenda

i’m noticing many of us joined the call

not so many actually engage

almost feels like the fear of missing

out compels us to attend

i’d be up for less meetings what if we

step back

revisit the outcomes attendees and how

we engage

please knows i raise this in the spirit

of our working even better together

thoughts in 30 seconds you said it

put it on the table saw others not in

agreement

way to interact powerfully openly and

honestly

when you say it skillfully you also help

other voices be heard

as mit media labs research tells us on

high performing teams

members talk and listen roughly equally

they keep contributions

short and sweet this balances the quiets

and the noises

quiets are the voices or viewpoints we

don’t hear enough of

as a result the group misses not only

functional or market

expertise but also key observations or

perspectives

people may stay quiet for many reasons

from cultural norms

or past family dynamics to introversion

or fear they’re not right

noisies are dominant voices hogging

airtime

speaking freely they’re unaware the

quiets find it difficult to enter

jumping in early noisy’s opinions can

sway the group’s thinking

it’s not good or bad to be either the

opportunity is balance

to benefit from all voices including the

unpopular ones so often tough to share

even with good intention it can be

challenging to hear all voices

and get the best ideas it’s terrific if

the leader or facilitator calls up in

balance

but any member including you can and

needs to raise this awareness

if you’re uneasy at times using your

voice know this

you’re not alone you may be a ceo

delivering tough feedback or bad news

a highly qualified engineer advocating

for a promotion

or a new hire at bidding you made a

mistake

everyone struggles at times to say what

needs to be said

and hear what needs to be heard everyone

has the opportunity

to say it more skillfully to be more a

part of the solution

or more similar than not and here’s a

game changer

it cannot be a secret that we’re all

part of the problem

when ford motor company was losing 17

billion dollars

renowned ceo alan mullally said we can’t

manage a secret

addressing issues means knowing about

them

we must help all voices be heard i

emphasize

we you are not an innocent bystander

if you don’t share what your leaders

need to hear

and leaders must appreciate that your

people may have a very different

experience than you think

you leaders watching this know to say

team i get it

i’m part of the problem i asked you to

be open and thinking back

i may have judged snapped and even put

down those who were

i apologize for that going forward when

someone tells it like it is

i’ll say thank you that may not have

been easy to say

if i don’t call me out hold me

accountable

it’s a model creating space where we all

say what needs to be said

for the rest putting on others shoes is

vital too

your epiphany may be people don’t

magically know

my view or feelings it’s on me to find

the right words to speak up

now we’re in it together mutual

accountability

we’re all part of the problem and

solution no one

needs to accept dysfunction and sit

frustrated on the sidelines

just think you’ve studied hard worked

hard made sacrifices

all to play small i don’t think so

people who look back on their lives

rarely regret the things they’ve done

it’s what they didn’t do and those

regrets go far beyond

bucketless adventures like climbing

mount everest

many people live in two different worlds

the world of the imagination

where they savor their dreams and the

world of reality where they spend their

days

say as skillfully as the key to the gate

that separates the two

it’s essential to your success

one last thing skillful doesn’t mean

perfect

say it skillfully is an art that

requires finesse

i may be able to say something in a way

that doesn’t work for you and vice versa

finding your voice one that’s effective

and authentic to you

is how you can be who you are and say

what needs to be said

you can do it it starts with the courage

to give it a try and a little practice

first be intentional with your energy or

vibe and how you show up

second put yourself in others shoes

third say serve the whole doesn’t take

much to shift in a highly positive way

embracing a few simple skills will both

amp up your work

and improve your relationships with

family friends and colleagues

for my part i’ve created resources to

show you the way

once you give yourself permission to say

it skillfully to play big

you won’t go back you will be free to be

a human

at work and we will achieve more

together

than we ever could apart together we’ll

win as one