The Silent Virus The Stigma That Kills

how seriously

are you taking this virus

it’s so contagious it’s all

around us it’s deadly it’s dangerous

it’s toxic and it’s killed millions of

people

yeah i just can’t feel a sense of

urgency with this

i first discovered and really

felt the virus deeply

six years ago when my dad

caring calm loving

fun adventurous person started to

experience

irrational thoughts and a virus told him

to tone it down

to pull himself together he had a great

life a lovely family

but it wasn’t as easy as that and he

ended up at the doctor’s and

the doctor said i think you’ve got

anxiety and depression

we’ll try some medication it may not

work

and we’re going to send you home you’ll

have to wait about six weeks to see if

it works

and um good luck so he was sent home

with no support

and on the side of the packet it said

may cause suicidal thoughts

he was sent home with no support

it didn’t go down very well and i

realized what it was like to experience

grief on this earth for a person you

love

when they’re here but they’re not really

here he didn’t look like himself he

started to lose loads of weight

he didn’t sound like himself it was like

someone else in my dad’s body

and i wept i missed him

so much i felt so helpless so desperate

the virus told me to take it personally

the virus

told me to feel a sense of shame because

maybe i could have done more to help

dad ended up in a psychiatric ward and

the virus told me

to be really afraid and intimidated by

the mental hospital because mental

hospitals are

full of psychotic dangerous people right

that’s what the virus tells us because

we see it in the movies and the media

psychopaths are cold-blooded killers

right

i felt so afraid going in to visit my

dad i fell on edge constantly the virus

was all around

i didn’t like him being there but then i

thought he’s calm he’s grounded he’s

loving he’s an amazing guy so if he’s in

there

surely there may be other people in

there like that

but yeah it was a really really hard

time now dad

did get out of hospital he started to

get better they

finally after lots of attempts found

some medication

that worked but the whole experience

walked something deep

deep within me and i said to dad once he

came out the other side

and i got him back i said dad come on

tell me your words of wisdom what would

be your piece of advice

he said don’t be so hard on yourself

such amazing words but so hard to

practice

so i got to work i had a mission

i was going to make it very very clear

that this virus had no place

for me and that i was going to encourage

other people to say

no because what the virus does is it

tells you to wear a mask

to isolate yourself to wash your hands

of it

and that makes it worse that’s very very

dangerous

we can’t isolate ourselves when it comes

to this virus

dad has always called me wysiwyg what

you see is what you get and i’ve

over time realized that that’s my thing

you know we all have a super power

that’s my thing

and i realized that when i said no to

the virus and made it very very

very clear i made a lot of noise you

know i did blogs

spoke on the radio wrote a book did

loads of podcasts i interviewed hundreds

and hundreds of people

something magic happened people would

approach me in the supermarket on the

street

at events and it was like all surface

level chat had gone

we were diving deep and it was so

amazing for people to be able to show up

fully

pull a little bit of woozy wig what you

see is what you get

and there was something else that became

very apparent to me through my research

you know i’ve interviewed psychiatrists

psychologists life coaches spiritual

spiritual teachers hypnotherapists

people that have been through intense

trauma people that have

really struggled with their mental

health and have gone to the darkest

place

and two things came up time and time

again too many people

are carrying around a sense of guilt and

shame

for things that happen to them that

weren’t even their fault

be in childhood or later on in life

they’re carrying a sense of shame and

i’ve had to say to so many people

it’s not your fault the other key thing

is

that shame is really really bad for our

brain

shame prolongs recovery

so wearing a mask is really really bad

for our recovery so

on that note let me share my story with

you

today let me take my mask off and keep

it real with you

at the start of this year i was

literally buzzing i mean

hello new decade whoa

i was so excited now 2019 i did a lot of

meditation

and i i find like you can read as much

textbooks as many textbooks as you like

on mindfulness but it’s actually the

meditation where you really learn about

it and you can

help yourself and help others and i’ve

been an amazing year of self-discovery

and i felt like in terms of

self-awareness things were going really

well

i really knew who i was and i was able

to be present in my body and be

more real with people and it was a

magical feeling

but yes start of the year i was

really really just feeling up for it and

it felt like buses like lots of things

were coming at once and i was really

excited

i was like january yes 2020. if this is

how it’s starting it’s going to be

amazing

but i realized i was a little bit buzzy

i wasn’t sleeping as much either and i’m

almost an

eight hour a night i protect my sleep

but i was getting up in the night with

all these ideas

and i said to some people that that

worked in similar industries

look i’m totally buzzing they said joe

it’s just all happening just enjoy it of

course you’re buzzing

now from my research i know that when we

get a lot of dopamine when we’re

achieving

we do feel that really buzzy you know

it’s a natural high

so i thought okay i’ll just sit with

this a minute i was also doing dry

january and i thought if this is how it

feels

i ain’t ever drinking again but here’s

the thing right

on stage i was funnier i was sassier in

meetings i

had a swag about me that i really quite

liked

and i just had so much energy now i’m

known for getting people singing and

dancing and doing the podcast and we

just

we released some mojo jojo mojo it

sounds gimmicky but that’s my thing

right

but every song i heard it sounded

different it felt different i was like

something’s going on here

and i wanted more of it

but my closest circle were worried about

me

because behind the scenes you know on

the surface that’ll look great

but deeper behind the scenes i was

unraveling

like a ball of will i wasn’t sleeping as

much so that was obviously catching up

on me

i was becoming a little bit delusional a

little bit paranoid what’s going on here

things just didn’t feel quite right now

if

anyone challenged me in this frame of

mind

oh my goodness i would go to the darkest

place they would be

oh i couldn’t go near them and my

husband challenged me and he took me to

the doctor

and he said something’s not right and i

said how dare you

how dare you and i turned on him and the

doctor didn’t know who to believe

you know i’ve got a background in drama

i’m quite convincing and i really really

meant it

how dare he the doctor really wasn’t

sure what to do

we had more therapy and some people got

it wrong

and told me things and made me even more

paranoid

and then one day a mental health nurse

came round

and she looked at me she looked at my

husband and she said to him no you’re

right something’s not right

this is textbook manic episode

i said what i’m a mental health

researcher i’ve been researching for six

years

but it always been anxiety depression

burnout stress

not so much going high mania

what are you talking about no

she signed me off and said you need to

stop working now

i said okay okay she left and a tv

crew came round from london i said to my

husband don’t tell her please

please don’t tell her and i kept going

about my business because i was exciting

and i was enjoying life and it felt

amazing

but i wouldn’t stop and on the 15th of

february the doorbell rang

and it was three mental health

professionals coming to section me

against the mental health act to take me

to the psychiatric court

the place i fear the place that virus

told me is so dangerous and i said no

please please please don’t take me there

i’ve got so much trauma so many bad

memories with dad i will do whatever i

get

it i’ll take all the sleeping tablets

i’ll sleep

all this buzzy creative stuff i’ll say

no to just please please don’t take me

to the psychiatric ward

they said i’m afraid you’ll have to come

so i went upstairs around a bath

water is my safe place and my husband

came up and he said if you don’t go

they’re gonna call the police i said

right i’ll get my coat not one for drama

but i was traumatized and that journey

there just felt

so lonely i honestly thought the person

that was so

self-aware with all this meditation and

great well-being work and all this

research

happy happy happy i honestly felt

that my family that really really loved

me and care for me more than anyone else

were trying to frame me that’s what my

mind told me

and i was terrified and i cried that

night and i cried

and i was so scared the virus was all

around me be afraid this place is full

of psychotic people you may get

someone may stab you i was so afraid

but something inside me heard that

little voice i’ve been saying to

everyone else

this is not your fault you will get

through this you do deserve to be happy

so every day i beg to get out and they

said no no no you need to sleep

now at the start of the year i put on my

vision board start breaking the rules

and i meant

in a fun and free spirited kind of way

you know

chase more sunset say no to the busy

world more and

it was like i was suddenly faced with so

many rules they took my laptop my phone

all my plans were cancelled i couldn’t

put my beautiful little kids to bed at

night

i got to see them i didn’t get that

freedom to be at home and to have my

privacy

everything was stripped and i felt like

a naughty schoolgirl and i had so many

rules

stop singing so much you’re over

stimulated you can’t go out in nature

no you’re not going there to meet

friends no you’re not texting you’re not

you’re not getting anything

this is all before covert right

it was a stressful time in hospital but

i knew that i had to get something

positive out of it so i went to work

and i spoke to every single patient i

got to know

everyone in my ward and something magic

happened

that surface level chat was gone and we

got deep and it was like they were

desperate just for someone to

let them be real and patients were

knocking on my door

they were reading copies of my book

passing it around nurses were buying the

book

people were talking people were sharing

it was amazing and i realized that

everyone i’d spoken to

they were carrying a sense of shame for

something that may have happened in

childhood or later on in life that

wasn’t their fault

and i said it again this is not your

fault and a lot of the people in there

perhaps on antipsychotic medication like

myself yeah i was given that

that’s what the virus may be saying to

you

but all these people have given away all

their energy to help everyone else

and it sounded so familiar

that experience changed me and i was

discharged

the day we went into lockdown 23rd of

march 2020

going from one set of rules to another

wow and then the hard work started

because my insight came back

and i remembered i had flashbacks of

saying things to anyone that challenged

me my family

and i remember thinking it was like

someone

else was in my body speaking because the

words that were coming out of that human

were not me they were not from me but

they were but

it wasn’t me and my family were

horrified like where has she gone

will we ever get her back all those

feelings of despair i had watched my dad

go through it

you know it was a manic it was a

psychotic manic episode

did i want to kill anyone no did it make

me a cold-blooded scary killer

no but did my mind go to the darkest

places yes did i feel extreme trauma yes

did i say things nasty things i’d never

say

yes and i felt so guilty

and i heard all the shame it’s not your

thoughts not your fault

it’s not your thoughts trying to tell

myself this but the virus is saying you

should be so ashamed you should be so

ashamed

but i had six years of research saying

it’s not your fault it’s not your fault

you need to be kind to yourself

so i got to work on compassion

compassion-based therapy is something

i’ve been

really pushing you know really pushing

for years so i got to work on being

compassionate with myself

but the virus was speaking to other

people some reminded me of things i’d

done some said you were terrible

you know some said you need to apologize

some said they don’t want anything to do

with you now

some said don’t tell anyone about it

keep it secret no one needs to know that

a person that’s been campaigning against

a virus

against hiding things against putting

the mask on for years

to hide their own illness

the things we should talk about and i

said no to that

i said i’m going to talk and my

psychiatrist and my mental health nurse

they were so surprised you’re talking

openly about all you’ve been through

i said yes that’s what i do that’s my

thing was hewick

they said wow well they said this will

really help you because

shame prolongs recovery

ah that sounded familiar that came up in

my research

constantly shame prolongs recovery so i

got to work to remove the shame

and i worked so hard and trust me there

were days in lockdown dark days

where i felt so much shame

and didn’t didn’t think i could ever get

on with my life again would i get the

mojo back the girl that helps other

people get their mojo

would i get mine back would i be singing

and dancing again could i walk down the

street and look people in the eye

could i learn to work hard can i learn

to take away the shame

as i worked hard every day to tell

myself nice things into poor compassion

my mental health nurse said i’m so

surprised that your recovery

i’m ready to discharge you and i’m

normally with people for a couple of

years

this has been a few months i think it’s

because you’re talking openly this is

really helping you

i think it’s because you’re working

really hard to pour compassion on the

mix

at the start of this year i wanted to

feel more alive

and it all went a little bit wrong

but i can honestly say that being real

with you

sharing taking off my mask

makes me feel so alive today

so let me ask you how seriously are you

taking this virus

it’s toxic it’s contagious it’s deadly

it’s

all around us it’s killed millions of

people

this virus is of course stigma

and we need to take it seriously

we need to start

normalizing these conversations even

more especially in 220.

how alive do you feel

today and quite controversial words for

this year but could it be time

to take off your mask