Why you should not bring your authentic self to work

[Music]

so picture this

your friend calls to invite you to a

party this saturday

they say yes i totally understand

that saturday is halloween but trust me

it’s not a halloween party

october 31st just happens to be the best

day when everyone is in town

no no no you don’t have to wear a

costume

it’s not going to be like that at all

just come as you are

a party with your friends on halloween

without having to go through all the

trouble of finding a costume

a costume mind you you’ll never wear

again

oh you’ll be there so saturday’s here

you head on over in your favorite faded

jeans

and the stylish enough top quite frankly

you’ve been lounging in all day you

knock on the door

out steps these bright red boots the

perfect accessory to your friend’s

wonder woman costume wonder

is the exact description of the look on

your face

as you enter the house your eyes dart

across a number of cartoon characters

uniformed professionals and some

unfortunate impersonations of the latest

celebrities

you look to your friend for answers but

they’re gathering the final votes for

the costume contest

a costume contest you of course

receive no votes do you feel that

that feeling that you have right now the

anxiety

the upset and bewilderment as to how you

came to be the odd one now for just

doing what you were told

to come as you are that’s exactly how i

feel

when i am told to bring my full

authentic self to work

we want people of color to feel like

they belong here

they say we’re looking for passionate

people

who can bring a fresh perspective to

challenge our way of thinking

they say our diversity is our strength

they say come just as you

are they say

recruiters managers executives ceos

all those responsible for making

decisions

they say quite a lot

and perhaps for good reason it’s long

been the expectation for people like me

who have been grossly often

intentionally

underrepresented at work to contort

ourselves

into this caricature of what some call

professionalism

and what we call a distorted

elaboration of white cultural norms and

the standards that meet the comforts of

those who hold social and institutional

power

that’s professionalism invitation to

bring our full

authentic selves to work signals that

this place

could be the place to safely shed the

guys

we could collect the parts of ourselves

we’ve compartmentalized and trust

that our differences will be seen as

assets

not liabilities seated in this call for

authenticity

is this idea that those who don’t have

to spend all the energy hiding parts of

themselves could find more fulfillment

at work

the expectation is that the more we

could

just be ourselves perhaps

just maybe others will follow suit

the hope is that soon enough the culture

of the entire organization will

shift becoming more inclusive and

welcoming of difference

my type of difference so

i show up to work as i am with my afro

my family photos my disability

accommodation needs my questions my

pushback

my perspective grounded in the lived

experience of all my identities

i show up with this full authentic self

to perform my job with excellence

but when the time comes for the stretch

projects

the promotion equal pay recognition

mentors sponsors

i’m overlooked

you need to work on being more of a team

player

they say your approach

makes it difficult to work with you

they say try to help others feel

more comfortable around you they say

you are hurting your relationships at

work when you talk about racism

they say

no promotion no mentor no votes

we cannot compete in the costume contest

without a costume and expect to win

the call to brave work with more

authenticity

undeservedly disadvantages people of

color

those of us who are already burdened

with the task of chronically battling

bias

with precision the work to shift culture

is designed to cost us our own mental

and physical health if who we are

makes us as difficult as they say

than this demand for our authenticity

compromises our careers

listen the fact is this one person

or even a few people coming just as we

are cannot change company culture

how would change happen alongside

rewards for coded definitions of

fit what difference would it make

to allege a value for diversity without

sustaining

evidence of that value in any meaningful

way

we know what we’re up against

authenticity has become a palatable

proxy

to mask the pressing need to end the

racism

ageism ableism sexism

homophobia xenophobia and the like that

run

rampant throughout our professional

lives

without accountability to examine these

systems of bias and power

the call for authenticity fails

it fails to question who is in the room

who sits at that table and who gets to

be heard

it fails to demand that we reveal the

truth

about how racism impacts decisions

about who’s in the room who sits at that

table

and who gets to be heard

what many people of color find is that

even when we are in the room

sitting at that table stating firmly

i am speaking

very few people are actually listening

it can start to feel like like our

bodies are wanted in the room

but not our voices

look i know what that’s like a couple

years ago

at the end of a senior leadership

brainstorming meeting

i was called into an unscheduled

check-in with an executive

she sounded enthusiastic about how my

contributions helped move the project

forward so

it surprised me when she then suggested

that in future meetings i should try to

be more agreeable

to help give others a win

if i did have feedback she advised that

i

send it over email instead

honestly i was taken aback like here i

was

feeling like my contributions mattered

that my seat at that table had proved

pivotal

to the success of our work together

excitedly i felt a lightness

ideating alongside my colleagues without

reserve

the work was riveting so i

opted outside of my usual guardedness i

stopped hiding my opinions

i worried less about those constricted

norms of how i should express myself

for the first time i felt like like i

could take off that

costume so many of us have to wear

clearly that was a mistake

at the end of her comments i tried to

keep it real with her i said

your advice is consistent with the way

women of color

black women especially are treated at

work

her response fit perfectly into this

three-step framework i’ve now come to

know as

darvo deny

attack reverse the victim

with the offender darville sounds like

this

jody ann this has nothing to do with

your race

deny you’re just being too

sensitive and angry attack

you know if you’re going to play the

race card every time i try to give you

feedback

is going to make it really hard for us

to work together

i just want you to be successful here

i’m just trying to support you

who’s the victim now her

attempts to gaslight me to

psychologically manipulate me into

questioning

my own reality was futile

even then in that moment i knew that my

experience

was not unique for too many

black women and other people of color

people living with disabilities

non-binary people deaf people

lgbtqia plus people and others

among us that are constantly featured on

the come work with us

section on company websites we know

this harsh reality intimately

being authentic privileges those already

part of the dominant culture

it is much easier to be who you are when

who you are

is all around you coming

just as we are when we’re the first

the only the different or one of the few

can prove too risky

so we wear the costume

we keep the truer parts of ourselves

hidden we straighten our

curly hair for interviews we pick up

hobbies

we do not enjoy we restate our

directives as

optional suggestions we talk about the

weather

instead of police brutality we mourn for

brianna taylor alone

we ignore the racist comments our

supervisor makes we stop correcting

our mispronounced names we ask fewer

questions we learn to say

nothing and smile

we omit parts of our stories we erase

parts of ourselves our histories and

present realities show this

to be the best path for success

but now our society is reaching

a new tipping point inequities

racism and bigotry are finding

fewer places to cower

silences are becoming harder to keep

our most radical collective imaginations

for racial justice are

reaching new possibilities and so

i’m asking that we the people

who have and continue to be denied

inclusion in that refrain

dedicate the authentic fullness of who

we are

to that work the work of making space

everywhere for who we are

to breathe

but just for a moment

let me step away from that work

to tell the rest of you this

black people do not need to be any more

authentic

so no this

black disabled immigrant woman

will not be bringing her full authentic

self

to work

but she is asking that you

those of you with the power of your

positions

and the protection of your whiteness and

other societal

privileges you did not earn to take on

that risk instead

there’s an opportunity in this movement

for change for you to do just that

change not your hearts and minds

close the gap between what you say

and how we’re treated change your

decisions

make working effectively across racial

and cultural differences a core

competency

in hiring and performance management for

everyone

define good product design as one that

centers the most underserved people

close the racial gender pay gap starting

first with latinx women

build responsive people systems to

manage racial conflict with equity and

justice

these aren’t the decisions that shift

culture but rather a tiny sample

of the expansive possibilities of what

you

can actually do today in your next

meeting

to realize the hope for racial equity

you do the work to make it safe for me

to come just as i am with my full

authentic self

that’s your job not mine it’s your party

not mine you set the rules and rewards

so i’m asking you what will it take

to win in your contest

thank you