A broken body isnt a broken person Janine Shepherd

life is about opportunities creating

them and embracing them and for me that

was the Olympic dream that’s what

defined me that was my bliss as a

cross-country skier and member of the

Australian ski team headed towards the

winter olympics I was on a training bike

ride with my fellow teammates as we made

our way up towards the spectacular blue

mountains west of Sydney it was the

perfect autumn day sunshine the smell of

you clipped and a dream life was good

we’d been on our bikes around five and a

half hours when we got to the part of

the ride that I loved and that was the

hills because I loved the hills and I

got up off the seat of my bike and I

started pumping my legs and as I sucked

in the cold mountain air I could feel it

burning my lungs and I looked up to see

the sun shining in my face and then

everything went black where was I what

was happening my body was consumed by

pain I’d been hit by a speeding utility

truck with only ten minutes to go on the

bike ride I was airlifted from the scene

of the accident by a rescue helicopter

to a large spinal unit in Sydney I had

extensive and life-threatening injuries

I broken my neck and my back in six

places I broke five ribs on my left side

i broke my right arm I broke my

collarbone I broke some bones in my feet

my whole right side was ripped open

filled with gravel my head was cut open

across the front lifted back exposing

the skull underneath I had head injuries

I had internal injuries I had massive

blood loss in fact I lost about 5 liters

of blood which is also when my size

would actually hold by the time the

helicopter arrived at Prince Henry

hospital in Sydney my blood pressure was

40 over nothing I was having a really

bad day

for over ten days I drifted between two

dimensions I had an awareness of being

in my body but also being out of my body

somewhere else watching from above as if

it was happening to someone else why

would I want to go back to a body that

was so broken but this voice kept

calling me come on stay with me no it’s

too hard come on this is our opportunity

know that body is broken it can no

longer serve me come on stay with me we

can do it we can do it together I was at

a crossroads I knew if I didn’t return

to my body I’d have to leave this world

forever it was the fight of my life

after 10 days I made the decision to

return to my body and the internal

bleeding stopped the next concern was

whether I would walk again because I was

paralyzed from the waist down they said

to my parents the neck break was a

stable fracture but the back was

completely crashed the vertebrae at l1

was like you dropped a peanut stepped it

stepped on it smashed it into thousands

of pieces they’d have to operate they

went in they put me on a beanbag they

cut me literally cut me in half I have a

scar that wraps around my entire body

they picked as much broken bone as they

could that had lodged in my spinal cord

they took out two of my broken ribs and

they rebuilt my back he’ll one they

rebuilt it they took out another broken

rib they fused t12 l1 and l2 together

then they stitched me up they took an

entire hour to stitch me up I woke up in

intensive care and the doctors were

really excited that the operation have

been a success because at that stage I

had a little bit of movement in one of

my big toes and I thought great because

I’m going to the Olympics

I had no idea it’s a sort of thing that

happens to someone else not me surely

but then the doctor came over to me and

she said Janine the operation was a

success and we’ve picked as much

Bernhard out of your spinal cord as we

could but the damage is permanent their

central nervous system nerves there is

no cure you’re what we call a partial

paraplegic and you will have all of the

injuries that go along with that you

have no feeling from the waist down and

at most you might get ten or twenty

percent return you’ll have internal

injuries for the rest of your life

you’ll have to use a catheter for the

rest of your life and if you walk again

it will be with calipers and a walking

frame and then she said your name you’ll

have to rethink everything you do in

your life because you’re never going to

be able to do the things you did before

I tried to grasp but she was saying I

was an athlete that’s all I knew that’s

all I’ve done if I couldn’t do that then

what could I do and the question I asked

myself is if I couldn’t do that then who

was I they moved me from intensive care

to acute spinal I was lying on a thin

hard spinal bed I had no movement in my

legs I had tight stockings on to protect

from blood clots I had one arm in

plaster one arm tied down by drips I had

a neck brace and sandbags on either side

of my head and I saw my world through a

mirror that was suspended above my head

I shared the ward with five other people

and the amazing thing is that because we

were all lying paralyzed in the spinal

Ward we didn’t know what each other

looked like how amazing is that how

often in life do you get to make

friendships judgment-free purely based

on spirit and there were no superficial

conversations as we shared our innermost

thoughts our fears and our hopes for

life after the spinal Ward I remember

one night one of the nurses came in

Jonathan with a whole lot of plastic

straws he put a pile on top of each of

us and he said start through

together well it wasn’t much else to do

in the spine award so we did and when

we’d finished he went around silently

and he joined all of the straws up to

looped around the whole ward and then he

said okay everybody hold on to your

straws and we did and he said right now

we’re all connected and as we held on

and we breathed as one we knew we

weren’t on this journey alone and even

lying paralyzed in the spinal Ward there

were moments of incredible depth and

richness of authenticity and connection

that I had never experienced before and

each of us knew that when we left the

spinal Ward we would never be the same

after six months it was time to go home

I remember dad pushing me outside in my

wheelchair wrapped in a plaster body

cast and feeling the Sun on my face for

the first time I soaked it up and I

thought how could I ever have taken this

for granted I felt so incredibly

grateful for my life but before I left

hospital the head nurse had said to me

Janine I want you to be ready because

when you get home something’s going to

happen and I said what and she said

you’re going to get depressed and I said

not me not to name the machine which was

my nickname she said you are because see

it happens to everyone in the spinal

Ward that’s normal you’re in a

wheelchair that’s normal but you’re

going to get home and realize how

different life is and I got home and

something happened

I realized sister Sam was right i did

get depressed I was in my wheelchair I

had no feeling from the waist down

attached to a catheter bottle I couldn’t

walk I’ve lost so much weight in

hospital I now weighed about 80 pounds

and I wanted to give up all I wanted to

do was put my running shoes on and run

out the door I wanted my old life back i

wanted my body back and i can remember

mum sitting on the end of my bed and

saying I wonder if life will ever be

good again and I thought how could

because I’ve lost everything that I

valued everything that I’d worked

towards gone and the question I asked

was why me why me and then I remembered

my friends that were still in the spinal

would particularly Maria Maria was in a

car accident and she woke up on a 16th

birthday to the news that she was a

complete quadriplegic had no movement

from the neck down had damage to her

vocal cords and she couldn’t talk they

told me we’re gonna move you next to her

because he think it will be good for her

I was worried I didn’t know how I’d

react being next to her I knew it would

be challenging but it was actually a

blessing because Maria always smiled she

was always happy and even when she began

to talk again albeit difficult to

understand she never complained not once

and I wondered how had she ever found

that level of acceptance and I realized

that this wasn’t just my life it was

life itself I realized that this wasn’t

just my pain it was everybody’s pain and

then I knew just like before that I had

a choice I could keep fighting this or I

could let go and accept not only my body

but the circumstances of my life and

then I stopped asking why me and I

started to ask why not me and then I

thought to myself maybe being at rock

bottom is actually the perfect place to

start I had never before thought of

myself as a creative person I was an

athlete my body was a machine but now I

was in about to embark on the most

creative project that any of us could

ever do that of rebuilding a life and

even though I had absolutely no idea

what I was going to do in that

uncertainty came a sense of freedom I

was no longer tied to a set path I was

free to explore life’s infinite

possibilities and that realization was

about to change my life sitting at home

in my wheelchair and my plaster body

cast an aeroplane flew overhead and I

looked up and I thought to myself that’s

it if I can’t walk then I might as well

fly I said mom I’m gonna learn how to

fly she said that’s nice to you

I said pass me the paid the Yellow Pages

he’s passed me the phone book i rang up

the flying school i made a booking so

they’d like to make a booking to come

out for a flight they said you know when

do you want to come out i said well i

have to get a friend to drive me out cuz

i can’t drive sort of can’t walk either

is that a problem i made a booking and

weeks later my friend chris and my mom

drove me up to the airport all 80 pounds

of me covered in the plaster body cast

in a baggie pair of overalls i can tell

you i did not look like the ideal

candidate to get a pilot’s license i’m

holding under the counter because I

can’t stand I said home here for a

flying lesson and they took one look and

ran out the back to draw short straws

you get hurt no no you take her finally

this guy comes out because hi I’m Andrew

and I’m gonna take you flying I go great

so they drive me down they get me out on

the tarmac and there was this red white

and blue airplane it was beautiful they

lifted me into the cockpit they had to

slide me up on the wing put me in the

cockpit they sat me down there are

buttons and dials everywhere I’m going

Wow and he ever know what all these

buttons and dials do Andrew the

instructor got in the front started the

airplane up he said would you like to

have a go at taxing that’s when you use

your feet to control the rudder pedals

to control the airplane on the ground I

said no I can’t use my legs he went oh I

said but I can use my hands and he said

okay so he got over to the runway and

applied the power and as we took off

down the runway when the wheels lifted

up off the tarmac can we became airborne

I had the most incredible sense of

freedom and Andrew said to me as we got

over the training area you see that

mountain over there and I said yeah and

he said will you take the controls and

you fly towards that mountain and as I

looked up I realize that he was pointing

towards the Blue Mountains whether

journey had begun and I took the

controls and I was flying and I was a

long long way from that spinal Ward and

I knew right then that I was going to be

a pilot didn’t know how I’d earth I’d

ever pass a medical

but I worry about that later cuz right

now I had a dream so I went home I got a

training diarrhea and I had a plan and I

practice my walking as much as i could

and i went from the point of like two

people holding me up to one person

holding me up the point i could walk

around the furniture as long as it

wasn’t too far apart and then i made

great progression to the point where i

could walk around the house holding onto

the walls like this and mum said she was

forever following me wiping off my

fingerprints but at least she always

knew where I was so while the doctors

continued to operate and put my body

back together again I went on with my

theory study and then eventually and

amazingly I had passed my pilot’s

medical and that was my green light to

fly and I spent every moment I could out

at that flying school way out of my

comfort zone all these young guys that

wanted to be Qantas pilots you know and

little old Hopalong me in first my

plaster cast and then my steel brace my

baggy overalls my bag of medication and

catheters and my limp and they used to

look at me and think oh who is she

kidding she’s never going to be able to

do this and sometimes I thought that too

but that didn’t matter because now there

was something inside that burned that

far outweigh my injuries and little

goals kept me going along the way and

eventually I got my private pilot’s

license and then I learned to navigate

and I flew my friends around Australia

and then I learned to fly an airplane

with two engines and I got my twin

engine rating and then I learned to fly

in bad weather as well as fine weather

and got my instrument rating and then I

got my commercial pilot’s license and

then I got my instructor eating and then

I found myself back at that same school

where I’d gone for that very first

flight teaching other people how to fly

just under 18 months after I’d left the

spinal Ward

and then I thought why stop there why

not learn to fly upside down and I did

and I learned to fly upside down and

became an aerobatic flying instructor

and mum and dad never been up

but then I knew for certain but although

my body might be limited it was my

spirit that was unstoppable the

philosopher Lao Tzu once said when you

let go of what you are you become what

you might be I now know that it wasn’t

till I let go of who I thought I was

that I was able to create a completely

new life it was until I let go of the

life I thought I should have that I was

able to embrace the life that was

waiting for me I now know that my real

strength never came from my body and

although my physical capabilities have

changed dramatically Who I am is

unchanged the pilot light inside of me

was still a light just as it is in each

and every one of us I know that I’m not

my body and I also know that you’re not

yours and then it no longer matters what

you look like where you come from or

what you do for a living all that

matters is that we continue to fan the

flame of humanity by living our lives as

the ultimate creative expression of who

we really are because we are all

connected by millions and millions of

straws and it’s time to join those up

and to hang on and if we are to move

towards our collective bliss it’s time

we shed our focus on the physical and

instead embrace the virtues of the heart

so raise your straws if you’ll join me

thank you