A broken body isnt a broken person Janine Shepherd
life is about opportunities creating
them and embracing them and for me that
was the Olympic dream that’s what
defined me that was my bliss as a
cross-country skier and member of the
Australian ski team headed towards the
winter olympics I was on a training bike
ride with my fellow teammates as we made
our way up towards the spectacular blue
mountains west of Sydney it was the
perfect autumn day sunshine the smell of
you clipped and a dream life was good
we’d been on our bikes around five and a
half hours when we got to the part of
the ride that I loved and that was the
hills because I loved the hills and I
got up off the seat of my bike and I
started pumping my legs and as I sucked
in the cold mountain air I could feel it
burning my lungs and I looked up to see
the sun shining in my face and then
everything went black where was I what
was happening my body was consumed by
pain I’d been hit by a speeding utility
truck with only ten minutes to go on the
bike ride I was airlifted from the scene
of the accident by a rescue helicopter
to a large spinal unit in Sydney I had
extensive and life-threatening injuries
I broken my neck and my back in six
places I broke five ribs on my left side
i broke my right arm I broke my
collarbone I broke some bones in my feet
my whole right side was ripped open
filled with gravel my head was cut open
across the front lifted back exposing
the skull underneath I had head injuries
I had internal injuries I had massive
blood loss in fact I lost about 5 liters
of blood which is also when my size
would actually hold by the time the
helicopter arrived at Prince Henry
hospital in Sydney my blood pressure was
40 over nothing I was having a really
bad day
for over ten days I drifted between two
dimensions I had an awareness of being
in my body but also being out of my body
somewhere else watching from above as if
it was happening to someone else why
would I want to go back to a body that
was so broken but this voice kept
calling me come on stay with me no it’s
too hard come on this is our opportunity
know that body is broken it can no
longer serve me come on stay with me we
can do it we can do it together I was at
a crossroads I knew if I didn’t return
to my body I’d have to leave this world
forever it was the fight of my life
after 10 days I made the decision to
return to my body and the internal
bleeding stopped the next concern was
whether I would walk again because I was
paralyzed from the waist down they said
to my parents the neck break was a
stable fracture but the back was
completely crashed the vertebrae at l1
was like you dropped a peanut stepped it
stepped on it smashed it into thousands
of pieces they’d have to operate they
went in they put me on a beanbag they
cut me literally cut me in half I have a
scar that wraps around my entire body
they picked as much broken bone as they
could that had lodged in my spinal cord
they took out two of my broken ribs and
they rebuilt my back he’ll one they
rebuilt it they took out another broken
rib they fused t12 l1 and l2 together
then they stitched me up they took an
entire hour to stitch me up I woke up in
intensive care and the doctors were
really excited that the operation have
been a success because at that stage I
had a little bit of movement in one of
my big toes and I thought great because
I’m going to the Olympics
I had no idea it’s a sort of thing that
happens to someone else not me surely
but then the doctor came over to me and
she said Janine the operation was a
success and we’ve picked as much
Bernhard out of your spinal cord as we
could but the damage is permanent their
central nervous system nerves there is
no cure you’re what we call a partial
paraplegic and you will have all of the
injuries that go along with that you
have no feeling from the waist down and
at most you might get ten or twenty
percent return you’ll have internal
injuries for the rest of your life
you’ll have to use a catheter for the
rest of your life and if you walk again
it will be with calipers and a walking
frame and then she said your name you’ll
have to rethink everything you do in
your life because you’re never going to
be able to do the things you did before
I tried to grasp but she was saying I
was an athlete that’s all I knew that’s
all I’ve done if I couldn’t do that then
what could I do and the question I asked
myself is if I couldn’t do that then who
was I they moved me from intensive care
to acute spinal I was lying on a thin
hard spinal bed I had no movement in my
legs I had tight stockings on to protect
from blood clots I had one arm in
plaster one arm tied down by drips I had
a neck brace and sandbags on either side
of my head and I saw my world through a
mirror that was suspended above my head
I shared the ward with five other people
and the amazing thing is that because we
were all lying paralyzed in the spinal
Ward we didn’t know what each other
looked like how amazing is that how
often in life do you get to make
friendships judgment-free purely based
on spirit and there were no superficial
conversations as we shared our innermost
thoughts our fears and our hopes for
life after the spinal Ward I remember
one night one of the nurses came in
Jonathan with a whole lot of plastic
straws he put a pile on top of each of
us and he said start through
together well it wasn’t much else to do
in the spine award so we did and when
we’d finished he went around silently
and he joined all of the straws up to
looped around the whole ward and then he
said okay everybody hold on to your
straws and we did and he said right now
we’re all connected and as we held on
and we breathed as one we knew we
weren’t on this journey alone and even
lying paralyzed in the spinal Ward there
were moments of incredible depth and
richness of authenticity and connection
that I had never experienced before and
each of us knew that when we left the
spinal Ward we would never be the same
after six months it was time to go home
I remember dad pushing me outside in my
wheelchair wrapped in a plaster body
cast and feeling the Sun on my face for
the first time I soaked it up and I
thought how could I ever have taken this
for granted I felt so incredibly
grateful for my life but before I left
hospital the head nurse had said to me
Janine I want you to be ready because
when you get home something’s going to
happen and I said what and she said
you’re going to get depressed and I said
not me not to name the machine which was
my nickname she said you are because see
it happens to everyone in the spinal
Ward that’s normal you’re in a
wheelchair that’s normal but you’re
going to get home and realize how
different life is and I got home and
something happened
I realized sister Sam was right i did
get depressed I was in my wheelchair I
had no feeling from the waist down
attached to a catheter bottle I couldn’t
walk I’ve lost so much weight in
hospital I now weighed about 80 pounds
and I wanted to give up all I wanted to
do was put my running shoes on and run
out the door I wanted my old life back i
wanted my body back and i can remember
mum sitting on the end of my bed and
saying I wonder if life will ever be
good again and I thought how could
because I’ve lost everything that I
valued everything that I’d worked
towards gone and the question I asked
was why me why me and then I remembered
my friends that were still in the spinal
would particularly Maria Maria was in a
car accident and she woke up on a 16th
birthday to the news that she was a
complete quadriplegic had no movement
from the neck down had damage to her
vocal cords and she couldn’t talk they
told me we’re gonna move you next to her
because he think it will be good for her
I was worried I didn’t know how I’d
react being next to her I knew it would
be challenging but it was actually a
blessing because Maria always smiled she
was always happy and even when she began
to talk again albeit difficult to
understand she never complained not once
and I wondered how had she ever found
that level of acceptance and I realized
that this wasn’t just my life it was
life itself I realized that this wasn’t
just my pain it was everybody’s pain and
then I knew just like before that I had
a choice I could keep fighting this or I
could let go and accept not only my body
but the circumstances of my life and
then I stopped asking why me and I
started to ask why not me and then I
thought to myself maybe being at rock
bottom is actually the perfect place to
start I had never before thought of
myself as a creative person I was an
athlete my body was a machine but now I
was in about to embark on the most
creative project that any of us could
ever do that of rebuilding a life and
even though I had absolutely no idea
what I was going to do in that
uncertainty came a sense of freedom I
was no longer tied to a set path I was
free to explore life’s infinite
possibilities and that realization was
about to change my life sitting at home
in my wheelchair and my plaster body
cast an aeroplane flew overhead and I
looked up and I thought to myself that’s
it if I can’t walk then I might as well
fly I said mom I’m gonna learn how to
fly she said that’s nice to you
I said pass me the paid the Yellow Pages
he’s passed me the phone book i rang up
the flying school i made a booking so
they’d like to make a booking to come
out for a flight they said you know when
do you want to come out i said well i
have to get a friend to drive me out cuz
i can’t drive sort of can’t walk either
is that a problem i made a booking and
weeks later my friend chris and my mom
drove me up to the airport all 80 pounds
of me covered in the plaster body cast
in a baggie pair of overalls i can tell
you i did not look like the ideal
candidate to get a pilot’s license i’m
holding under the counter because I
can’t stand I said home here for a
flying lesson and they took one look and
ran out the back to draw short straws
you get hurt no no you take her finally
this guy comes out because hi I’m Andrew
and I’m gonna take you flying I go great
so they drive me down they get me out on
the tarmac and there was this red white
and blue airplane it was beautiful they
lifted me into the cockpit they had to
slide me up on the wing put me in the
cockpit they sat me down there are
buttons and dials everywhere I’m going
Wow and he ever know what all these
buttons and dials do Andrew the
instructor got in the front started the
airplane up he said would you like to
have a go at taxing that’s when you use
your feet to control the rudder pedals
to control the airplane on the ground I
said no I can’t use my legs he went oh I
said but I can use my hands and he said
okay so he got over to the runway and
applied the power and as we took off
down the runway when the wheels lifted
up off the tarmac can we became airborne
I had the most incredible sense of
freedom and Andrew said to me as we got
over the training area you see that
mountain over there and I said yeah and
he said will you take the controls and
you fly towards that mountain and as I
looked up I realize that he was pointing
towards the Blue Mountains whether
journey had begun and I took the
controls and I was flying and I was a
long long way from that spinal Ward and
I knew right then that I was going to be
a pilot didn’t know how I’d earth I’d
ever pass a medical
but I worry about that later cuz right
now I had a dream so I went home I got a
training diarrhea and I had a plan and I
practice my walking as much as i could
and i went from the point of like two
people holding me up to one person
holding me up the point i could walk
around the furniture as long as it
wasn’t too far apart and then i made
great progression to the point where i
could walk around the house holding onto
the walls like this and mum said she was
forever following me wiping off my
fingerprints but at least she always
knew where I was so while the doctors
continued to operate and put my body
back together again I went on with my
theory study and then eventually and
amazingly I had passed my pilot’s
medical and that was my green light to
fly and I spent every moment I could out
at that flying school way out of my
comfort zone all these young guys that
wanted to be Qantas pilots you know and
little old Hopalong me in first my
plaster cast and then my steel brace my
baggy overalls my bag of medication and
catheters and my limp and they used to
look at me and think oh who is she
kidding she’s never going to be able to
do this and sometimes I thought that too
but that didn’t matter because now there
was something inside that burned that
far outweigh my injuries and little
goals kept me going along the way and
eventually I got my private pilot’s
license and then I learned to navigate
and I flew my friends around Australia
and then I learned to fly an airplane
with two engines and I got my twin
engine rating and then I learned to fly
in bad weather as well as fine weather
and got my instrument rating and then I
got my commercial pilot’s license and
then I got my instructor eating and then
I found myself back at that same school
where I’d gone for that very first
flight teaching other people how to fly
just under 18 months after I’d left the
spinal Ward
and then I thought why stop there why
not learn to fly upside down and I did
and I learned to fly upside down and
became an aerobatic flying instructor
and mum and dad never been up
but then I knew for certain but although
my body might be limited it was my
spirit that was unstoppable the
philosopher Lao Tzu once said when you
let go of what you are you become what
you might be I now know that it wasn’t
till I let go of who I thought I was
that I was able to create a completely
new life it was until I let go of the
life I thought I should have that I was
able to embrace the life that was
waiting for me I now know that my real
strength never came from my body and
although my physical capabilities have
changed dramatically Who I am is
unchanged the pilot light inside of me
was still a light just as it is in each
and every one of us I know that I’m not
my body and I also know that you’re not
yours and then it no longer matters what
you look like where you come from or
what you do for a living all that
matters is that we continue to fan the
flame of humanity by living our lives as
the ultimate creative expression of who
we really are because we are all
connected by millions and millions of
straws and it’s time to join those up
and to hang on and if we are to move
towards our collective bliss it’s time
we shed our focus on the physical and
instead embrace the virtues of the heart
so raise your straws if you’ll join me
thank you