The Link Between Personal Style and Identity

everyone

has style the question is not whether or

not you have it

but whether or not it’s being expressed

i know this because i’m a personal

stylist

and the kind of work that i do is

transformational personal styling so my

team and i lead people through a process

of transformation

with their appearance and sometimes when

people hear this they’ll say

a stylist ah what a fun job

that sounds so fun you get to dress

people up all day

spend other people’s money ah so fun

i say yeah it is it’s so fun i’m really

lucky

i think fun really

do you know many women have you been in

a dressing room with a woman before

there’s a mirror in there

i’m going to ask her to strip in front

of a stranger

brene brown’s research on shame

reveals that body image and appearance

are nearly

universal shame triggers and after a

decade of doing this work

i can tell you that that’s true i also

know

that it’s not just something women

struggle with

it’s also men it doesn’t go away with

age

and that there are certain environments

relationships

and life cycles that trigger this

and i think the thing about struggling

with your appearance that’s particularly

painful

is that our deepest desire is to be seen

we care about our appearance not because

we’re super vain

or obsessed with our image but because

we want to connect

and we want for people to see us

the tricky part is that in order to be

seen you have to first show up

so this is a client of mine her name is

joanne and i met joanne a couple of

years ago when she was going through

a transition and so she had hired me for

two reasons number one

she was going through a divorce

and she really wanted to focus on her

appearance this was something that she’d

been ignoring for years and she felt

like this was the time to do it

and the second reason was that her

daughter was getting married

and this was the first time her

ex-husband and his new girlfriend

were going to be there too and so when i

asked joanne well you know how do you

want to how do you want to feel

at this event and she was like um

amazing i need to feel incredible i need

to feel confident

i need to walk in there and really just

show that i’m doing well

so we settled on smoking hot for this

event

so i meet joanne in her closet i go in

there and i’m like

oh crap we’re gonna have to start from

scratch

there was just nothing in there there

were like six things they were mostly

black

maybe one or two solid colors things

that she literally had bought

from costco when she was doing errands

that’s how much she just wasn’t thinking

about this

but the biggest thing was that none of

the stuff hanging in her closet

had anything to do with joanne it all

looked

just not like her one of the first

things that i felt from joanne when i

met her was she has this just really

dynamic

vibrant quality about her and i could

see it

in her surroundings how she had

decorated her home

so there were interesting things on the

walls colorful pillows and just a lot of

personality being expressed

in her environment and yet none of it

was showing up in her look

and so i asked her about that i was like

joanne like i can see

you here uh but how come it’s not coming

through in your appearance because it

comes from the same creative

place and she was like i don’t know i

just thought

black was slimming so here’s a picture

of joanne

on our shopping trip together looking

smoking hot in a leopard print dress

and also what she decided to wear to her

daughter’s

wedding we all want to be seen

and we want to be seen as attractive i

don’t know anybody who

wants to be considered less attractive

the good news is that

the most attractive look is

always the most authentic one

authenticity

is universally attractive your size or

your age

or how much you’re spending on your

clothing if you know anything about

fashion or brands none of that matters

the only thing that matters is that you

show up

authentically when someone shows up

authentically

you don’t just see it you also feel it

the signature of authenticity

is resonance what that means for styling

is that you’re trying to choose clothing

that resonate

with you you’re looking for a match and

a sympathetic relationship

between the clothing and the wearer

that’s all it is in order to figure this

out how you might do this for yourself

imagine that you are a member of an

orchestra

and orchestras are arranged in four

parts

different sections the instruments are

grouped by

their like sounds they’re like

characteristics and there’s kind of a

signature to these sounds

so in the first section you have your

woodwind instruments

these are things like the piccolo

and the flute and they have a certain

quality to them

they’re kind of that light bright melody

bopping along we know how they make us

feel

and we recognize them by their sound

compare that to

the second section which is the string

section

their sound is totally different these

instruments

make these long sweeping

dramatic sounds if you think of like the

violin

or the harp or the cello they make us

feel

a different way and we recognize these

instruments

by their sound in your third section

it’s the brass section and that’s where

like your

power instruments are so things like the

trumpet

and the tuba and the trombone and these

are the loudest instruments you can hear

them from the furthest away and they

make you feel a certain way

whenever i hear a trumpet i just feel

like i can

you know take on the world they have a

certain feeling to them

and then in your last section it’s the

percussion

section and these are instruments like

the bass drum

and the timpani and they keep the beat

for the whole rest of the orchestra

and each instrument shows up and has a

different sound

a different quality and we are like that

you are like an instrument you were made

to play

a certain kind of music my uncle morris

used to be a professional singer

and he would often describe his voice as

his

instrument and we would kind of laugh

you know like

he oh no he couldn’t sing at church

because he has to protect his instrument

but for this it kind of works because he

was using his voice

to express the music inside him

that’s what style is that’s what true

personal style

is when it’s resonant when it’s

authentic

when it’s attractive it’s you showing up

and expressing the specific kind of

beat and rhythm of your life

you have a certain energy to you you

have a certain movement

a feeling all of this is wrapped up in

your identity and it looks like

something

and it feels like something to the

people around you

just like an instrument if you don’t

take care of your

appearance and your style it tends to

fall out of tune

and this is really normal it happens you

know it can happen at different parts of

your life

and it’s really easy to fall out of tune

because there’s so many other people

around you

playing different notes and it’s very

easy to kind of tune

to them so if you see someone over here

and you’re like oh my gosh their style

is so

cool and great like and then you go and

you try and you put that on and it’s

like

oh that’s not working for me it’s

because it’s not

tuned to you it’s tuned to them so

you’re wanting to find clothing

that’s in tune with you in order to do

this

i want to give you a key

for finding your true personal style it

has a signature to it

the way that i like to talk about style

is that it’s just the way

in which you do things

it’s the way in which it’s not simply

the result

it’s not simply what shows up it’s how

you get there

this kind of grid is going to help you

tune into your signature style

if you haven’t found it before or to

re-tune if you’ve gotten off track

in order to understand your signature

style you need to understand the way

you move so like the orchestra

there are four different groups or parts

of instruments or a style and each

person

resonates more clearly and strongly

with one of these groups the things that

look

attractive and authentic on you

has to do with which group you resonate

with

and you’re wanting to choose clothing

that has that same quality

or that likeness to it so in the first

group

you have what we would like into the

woodwind section

so these are people who are moving

through their life

we’re talking about like their inner

movement it’s your inner

beat or your rhythm for how you are

expressing

this energy inside of you this group

it looks light it looks bright

these are people who are full of fresh

ideas

they their energy moves toward what’s

new

so they’re constantly wanting to switch

things up

in order to get variety so that they can

keep their energy up

if this is you don’t let anybody shame

you about

wanting to shop or needing new things or

needing change because this is how you

actually get

energy and so the key here is to choose

clothing that

has that same kind of energy that same

kind of spirit to it

so it might be things like you know

light bright colors

or fabrics that are light and they move

and there’s a ton of animation you want

to match the spirit

to your spirit compare that to

this second group the movement here

the natural rhythm of life in

with this group looks like this

these are your string instruments

they’re moving

slowly they’re moving more

fluidly people in this corner

need to take more time with things the

look is comfortable

and relaxed it’s totally different from

this first group

they make you feel welcomed they have a

patient

quality about them so the way that this

expresses in their clothing

if this is you you might be someone who

has a lot of like

really comfy things in your closet so

like a lot of knits

a lot of stuff that’s just kind of

slouchy because

comfort is really key to you this group

of people also really has a hard time

getting rid of things

in their closet so if you’ve held onto

stuff from like high school

that might be a clue compare that

to the third corner

these people again totally different

their vibe their rhythm their movement

through life

is this quick cutting pace they move

with purpose

they move to get things done they’re

wired for efficiency

these are people who’ve done like 100

house projects

during quarantine i’ve done zero house

projects

but their energy is such that it’s wired

to accomplish things it’s on to the next

thing

it feels substantial clothing that

matches

and resonates with them needs to have

that same quality

it needs to be more textural it needs to

have

the movement quality of being like sharp

and fierce

so this was joanne’s group which is why

black was no good for her

and the leopard print dress looks so

great she has this fierce energy

and then the last group the final

movement

the signature of the last group is

no movement no movement is actually a

movement

and it’s not that these people don’t

move it’s just that they’re not going to

move

unless they know that it’s the right

move

unless they know where they’re going and

then it is a very clean

straight line so these are people who

need a lot of alone time their look is

bold it’s clean they have

a low movement in who they are and so

their clothing needs to have that too

so they like things that stick right to

them

that hold their shape so this is my

corner

and i’ve found all of this to be true i

want everything to just to stay with me

the key is that your clothing goes with

you

that your clothing moves and expresses

the way you move and express in that

you’ll find

the resonance you’ll find that

attractive authentic look

and you’ll find that people can see you

better that

they can hear you better and that they

can

feel you what you really mean so you’re

gonna get a better connection

even so even if you can master this

you still must be brave enough to show

up

in your life and in your relationships

as your authentic self

i had a client a couple years ago who

came in because her husband

had bought a gift card for her to go

through our process

which is very nice of him but she came

in

and she was wearing all black

heavy kind of shapeless stuff and she

has this long hair

and all of that’s totally fine but

the thing i remember about her is that

she just she felt really guarded

it was like she had like a block on her

heart

and her hand was up like this and i’ve

done this work long enough to know

that that comes from something that’s a

i need to protect myself type of thing

like i don’t want you to see me

and she really wasn’t buying it when i

was talking about how we were gonna draw

at her authentic beauty

and like here she was gonna appear and

she was just kind of sitting there like

yeah okay and so i really was not

looking forward to this

appointment but by the time it came

around the following week i’d gotten

myself in the right place and i

reminded myself that the most important

part of this job

is simply to see someone

and so that’s what i was going to do and

during our appointment

we went around and what we what we do is

we test people

in these different groups so we’ll put

you

in clothing that has you know each of

these movements expression we’re looking

for that match

and when you see the match when there is

a match you can see it you can feel it

and so we get around to that first

corner

which is the highest level of movement

the brightest

most animated level of movement

and it’s a match for her you never would

have known it

you never would have known it by the way

she looked by the way she was expressing

herself

none of that and yet there it was and

she’s wearing this like

pink blazer and it has this like cute

little you know all these little cute

details and it was like her spirit just

filled the room it just got bigger

and it was beautiful and i was like ah

i’m so good you look so good

and she felt good and we’re laughing and

we’re dancing

and we’re celebrating her freedom

and the permission that she’s been given

to be herself

but then she looks at me and she says

but i could never wear this though

because my husband

would just tell me that this is only

something a skinny person could wear

and the energy just shrunk back down

into her

as she changed back into her clothing

that she’d come in with

gosh it was just so sad

her whole countenance just returned to

that

depressed heaviness

we all noticed it as she walked out her

voice lost

its energy you couldn’t see her anymore

and we didn’t hear from her again

the question is not

whether or not you have style it’s

whether or not

it’s being expressed thank you

you