Perspective is Everything

[Music]

you know

sometimes the things in life that are

most challenging

turn out to be those things that are

most enriching that teach us

the most if and that’s a big if

if you’re willing to learn something if

you choose the right perspective

you see what we need in the face of big

challenges is perseverance now

here’s what most people don’t know

perseverance can

arrive for you from a negative place

with negative energy

or from a positive place full of

possibilities too often we use anger

and frustration even hatred in certain

very difficult situations to get us

through and

it works but it does damage when we

choose that version of perseverance so

when i think about breaking barriers i

think about the positive path

forward the one that feeds your soul

instead of leaving a hole in it

the one where you see challenges and

choose because everything in life

is a choice you choose to see the glass

half full to find the silver lining to

look

for the lesson that is the version of

perseverance ultimately

that helps you through the most

difficult challenges now

i’ve been lucky to to to go through many

things that have taught me this lesson

but i think

the most interesting example involves

something my dad taught me many years

ago

during his journey here on planet earth

it goes like this i was sitting in

college station texas

writing a very dorky academic paper that

no one ever

enjoyed believe me the telephone rang it

was my mother i picked

up the phone now you know how you can

hear someone who you know very very well

and tell in an instant that something is

just

off in their voice well i heard that and

i was about to ask her what’s wrong mom

but i couldn’t the reason was

she got off the line she was choked up

got off the line a man

got on the phone and he identified

himself as dr so and so

as soon as i heard doctor well i snapped

out of that pretty selfish place

i was at working on what i was working

on and i remembered the obvious my dad

was scheduled for what we thought

was a routine gallbladder related

surgery that day i mean

if there is anything routine about a

surgery right so

he says to me i’m very sorry your mother

can’t speak i need to tell you this

i i led the team that went in to work on

your father today

and it turns out the organ is not

malfunctioning exactly the way we

thought but as a result of something

much different in fact worse i’m sorry

to tell you this but your dad

has cancer and he told me the name of it

it was a rare cancer

apparently usually affects women not men

it was in little bits and pieces all

over his abdomen and he said i’m sorry

this is late stage there’s just nothing

that can be done

i’m sorry so look if you’ve ever

received information like that you know

what i know that hits you like a truck

and

knocks the air clean out of you but i do

love

candor i really do and that is a

defining characteristic of high

performing teams and when i hear kander

which i think we all

can agree is often in short supply

i like it and i say thanks and so i

thanked him for shooting straight with

me and then asked him the obvious wait a

minute doc

what are you saying what’s the outlook

for my dad

and he said i’m not going to mince words

with you this is very serious you know

what

i’d probably give him three or four

weeks if at all possible you need to

come see your father

i thanked him hung up the phone picked

it up again called colleagues at texas a

m university where i was working on my

doctorate and said hey i need you to

cover these courses i’m teaching

they said of course go and i did that i

flew quickly

to tampa florida where my mother and

father were living at the time i walked

in that house and did exactly what every

one of you would expect me to do i

hugged and cried with mom and dad right

there

in the den as soon as i walked in little

family therapy right

when we were done just a few minutes

later dad and i did what we had done so

many times before we

walked out that front door together to

go for a walk father and

son i am charlie’s kid let me tell you

that guy

can talk all day long he was gifted with

it and i am his son and i can talk

all day long when the two of us got

together

it was a competition for air time

we had many years of walking and talking

many hours of walking

and talking but that day for the first

time literally ever

in our lives we just walked

and no one said a word and that was

strange and heavy and surreal

wasn’t what i expected i didn’t know

what to do and we kept walking an hour

later no one said anything we’re still

walking it was too heavy for me and i

chose to think back to something

interesting and lighthearted maybe even

fun and i started thinking about a few

friends and some

sometimes back in high school but

inevitably i came back to my dad’s

story and i remembered something

interesting that i’d like to share with

you up until

my senior year in high school the truth

is i did not like

my father by being blunt with you

i detested the man most of the time

the reason is that he was a dedicated

over achieving

superstar alcoholic now

statistically i know how many of you

give or take can

relate to that and i’m not complaining

this is just the hand that i was

dealt i’m just telling you the truth i

didn’t like him at all because the whole

community knew who he was yeah

and they had seen him walking the

streets stumbling yeah they’d seen him

get the duis they’d seen him removed

from the

stands hitting my high school basketball

games while i was playing

for disorderly conduct by the police

and they looked at me and they wondered

does the apple fall

far from the tree and i was pretty

passionate

about answering that question by saying

yes

it does i am not going to be anything

like him watch me be

anything but him and that drove me and

it’s negative

it worked i persevered but it put a few

holes in me

in my soul did some damage

and i’ve learned something new since

then but it got me through it got me

through he was horrible

until my senior year you know what

happened he went to work one day he got

drunk at home and then he went to work

because well

dad was a typical drinker you know most

drinkers when do they drink

at night well that’s not good enough for

a whole lot of them the morning comes

and they look at their coffee and they

go

i know how to make that better and they

had their alcohol of choice dad did that

really well and eventually he said who

needs

coffee he went to work for the umpteenth

time drunk and

a person a real man his name’s bob drake

my dad’s boss pulled him into his office

shut the door and said

listen carefully i’m done talking to you

i’ve given you way too many second

chances i missed the guy we hired that

guy was great

man we were so excited and he was here

for a while then he faded then he turned

into you

i’m now getting in trouble the team’s

getting in trouble it’s not just about

you

it’s over today i’m sorry

you’re fired or

or if you want to i got permission from

corporate i didn’t have to

but i got permission we’d like to send

you to rehab because we want that guy

back that person

we missed we want him back that’s your

choice right now you’re fired or rehab

what do you say

that didn’t take long he said i’ll go

bob drake gave him an address

he said get your stuff go home be there

at 8 o’clock in the morning dad went

home took that piece of paper threw it

at my mom and said

be in the car 7 30 in the morning then

you got a bottle

usually had a glass not that night he

just took the bottle

he got blackout drunk we found him in

the car in the morning

7 30 waiting on us mom drove i took

shotgun and we

while we drove to the address on that

paper no one said a word very strange

when we got there door open dad walked

out he went through the front door of

this establishment i didn’t know what to

say what to think how to feel it just

felt strange the only thing i knew

was that at home for three months it was

going to be different and it was

it was it was strangely lighthearted and

fun being with mom no one yelling and

screaming and throwing things

the way i was pretty used to

it was strange and it went fast when it

was over we went back to the address on

that little piece of paper

and we waited and the doors opened and a

person walked out now listen i saw

this man and i knew that that was my dad

but there was something very very

different about him and i couldn’t put

my finger on it but i

kept watching and i noticed that the way

he walked his gate

was different the way he looked at us

when he saw us and held his head

was different i mean he was smiling i

didn’t know he could smile

to be honest with you he got in the car

he bounced

kind of and got in the car and my mom

was so excited

and they embraced him and then he looked

at me all excited and i did not

return the enthusiasm no i was there to

support my mom

look i had spent a lifetime literally

building up a wall

to make sure that i wouldn’t be affected

by this person and i wasn’t ready to let

it down and we went

home weeks later college started the

only way i could afford

college was to live at home and i was

lucky to do so

and this person this new person my dad

showed up week one knock knock knock on

my bedroom door hey you want to go for a

walk it was my dad and our very obese

family dog

you want to go for a walk and i said no

and i wasn’t

i wasn’t even necessarily nice about it

then i chucked my door and get back to

whatever i was doing

and that’s how i felt in week two three

and four he did the same thing and i

said no

and i’m not sure why but he stayed at it

talk about perseverance and breaking

barriers

he stayed at it week eight

rolls around semester one knock knock

hey you want to go for a walk and i

don’t know why

i don’t know why then i said okay

i walked out of the house with my dad

and we started walking and

talking and i figured out very quick he

was

funny what he was funny he was

insightful he was clever he was

witty i never knew any of these things

about him

we had a blast talking about everything

we talked about religion and politics

and sports and business

we talked about the crazy neighbors we

talked about everything

i don’t think that we solved any

problems that night

but we had a blast for the first time

chewing the fat

as father and son

fast forward many years i’m in tampa

florida i’m walking with my dad he’s now

he’s got three to four weeks to go if

he’s lucky

no one said a word my dad gets tired

sits down right on a bench

by a pond in his neighborhood and i sat

next to him and i’ll be honest with you

because you’ve been there you know what

i’m talking about

i was marinating in the negativity kind

of stewing in the heaviness of it all

spiraling in an unproductive way

and i did that for i don’t know how long

until i heard a sound that surprised me

and pulled me out of it it was a

a sound i didn’t see coming it was the

sound

of laughter

what i looked next to me there’s my dad

73 three or four weeks ago

he’s laughing at me he’s looking down

his glasses like dads

do and he says well you’re clearly

sitting over there thinking a bunch of

negative thoughts

aren’t you and i said yes sir because i

get that

i’ve done a lot of that but i’m done

there’s a better way

i said what do you mean he goes well the

doctors are pretty clear

i have this situation and nothing can be

done about it but you know what how i

feel about it that’s up to me

i could be angry he said angry

i’m not gonna watch your children grow

up the way i thought i was

angry i don’t get to go home many more

times and see that woman who after 40

plus years i still love

angry i don’t get to walk out to this

pond many more times and chase fish

like i love to do angry i did that i’m

done there’s a better way

i said what do you mean dad he goes well

it’s true how i feel about this is up to

me

i could be angry but this is up to me

it’s wholly entirely completely and

utterly up to me

i choose to be happy i said

happy he said no thrilled why not i’m

sitting here doing what i love most in

life

i’m talking to my best friend

and when we’re done i’m gonna go home

and i’m gonna eat

whatever she cooked because it’s always

amazing and tomorrow morning you know

what i have pretty good odds of putting

two feet on the floor and when i do

i’m gonna walk out to that pond

and chase some fish that’s my choice now

he didn’t know it that day but he

actually made that gesture which

of course is seared in my brain

forevermore

it was an honor to watch a person in

that position

make that choice the way he did they

gave dad

a few weeks if he was lucky he lived for

the better part of two and a half years

through many rounds of chemo before it

eventually got him and during that time

a whole lot of it was in really good

shape and really good

spirits i watched a person choose

perspective

choose a path towards perseverance

defined

by a positive outlook which is a choice

it’s a choice when he saw you he smiled

and he meant it when you fed him food he

was grateful for it

and it was obvious if he saw you he was

gonna hug you he had real gratitude

choice

every day the doctors who i saw many

times during this journey pulled me

aside and told me i can’t prove this

the way i want to scientifically but i’m

telling you right now

the best explanation for his unexpected

longevity and good spirits

is the fact that he woke up every day

and made the choice to frame that

situation as positively

as possible i love that lesson that he

taught me and it applies to any

challenge

that you face as well absolutely

positively any challenge can be seen

positively or negatively dad’s choice

was wise

now as a social scientist i can tell you

anyone can adopt that perspective

anyone can choose to see glass half full

lesson

learned silver lining opportunity

and i’m reminded every time i face a

challenge that i’m so lucky my dad

taught me that lesson and i’m grateful

to share it with you

the next time you face a serious

challenge i hope you’ll remember it as

well

good luck