Breaking Down the Wall of Everything is Fine The Power of Authenticity

[Music]

when my son was in kindergarten

his teacher said that he expressed a

great amount of empathy

i thought how he developed empathy at

such a young age

what had allowed for this to happen so

when i asked her she said

it’s probably something he learned from

home but i wanted to figure out how

how do we develop empathy and i was

going to learn

it was through living authentically here

let me explain

i’m going to take you on a journey one

of my own self-discovery

where i learn that living a more

authentic life

will lead to deeper relationships and

allow for an empathetic heart

to be born in a five-year-old with any

good rewind of self-discovery

or looking at your own life i needed to

think about my own childhood

i thought was this something i too had

learned at a young age

and therefore i was just passing it on

through the generations

well when i thought about it my family

really valued

privacy and stoicism it was as if we had

built

a wall where we showed out to the world

that everything was fine

and we kept our feelings and emotions in

so that wasn’t quite it but i was

reminded of a transformation

i had at work one that would end up

playing a big role in how my son gained

his empathetic heart

so let me explain a little bit about

what i do at the ripe old age of

29 i landed my dream job

i get to help students transition from

high school to college

by going on backpacking trips where we

get to help them

hike steep terrain challenge themselves

see beautiful vistas cook food over our

camp stove

and have wonderful conversations at

night

you see when you land your dream job at

29 i personally felt like i needed to

prove myself

so let me show you how that looked

there was a point in the summer where

it’s august

and at this point we’re working every

day of the month

i had already been to work that day and

it was a weekend and i was home

and getting some things together before

i headed back to the office

i needed to have a cup of coffee i

needed to

have that cup of joe to give me some

more energy so what i did is i took

my canister much like this one down off

the shelf and put it

on the counter except i missed the

counter and it went crashing

to the floor you see when i looked down

and there was coffee everywhere and

ceramic pot

there was also some blood because my toe

is what broke the fall of that canister

so as i’m cleaning it up and trying to

bandage it and i can hear my son

who’s about seven months old crying i

call my friend who’s a nurse and ask her

to come over and help me

when she gets there she looks at my toe

and she cleans it up and says oh you’re

gonna need stitches

i say stitches i do not have time for

stitches

what else do you got she goes well we

could super glue it shut

perfect sign me up super glue it shut

here we go

off to work ahead well that ends up

leading to infection

multiple doctor visits and needing to

re-slice my toe open later so it can

heal

properly you see i was more concerned

about portraying the facade of

everything was

fine and that i was in control instead

of letting people see

behind that wall that i just needed a

little self-care

so a couple years later in this journey

my son’s about two and a half now and

i’m going through my own

major life transformation and i’m

getting a divorce

i’m learning what it means to be a

single mom living on my own

a new financial situation and still

trying to balance

my job my career

so that summer when we’re out on our

training trips

we’ve just finished a day of backpacking

and we’ve

set camp and we’ve finished our meal and

we have what’s called a nalgene fire

this is where we take a headlamp and put

around our water bottles

and they glow these beautiful colors and

this becomes our campfire for the

evening

and you see that year i was just

thirsting for more

so when i asked my staff what is the

fear you have

about this summer i decided to answer

first and i said i fear i won’t be

enough

i do not know how i am going to be there

for you

24 7. should you have a leadership

emergency or an

emergency evac situation and still be

there for my son who also needs me 24 7.

you see it was the first time i let

people see behind that we don’t talk

about it wall

and little did i know that showing my

authentic

self would break down walls and create a

stronger foundation

stronger than any wall i ever could have

built

sharing the realness of my life was the

most authentic thing i’d done

and it birthed his desire for other more

real relationships in my life

and it spawned my empathetic side

so i’m trying out this whole

authenticity thing at work

and i’m also realizing i’m doing it at

home as well

so i specifically remember a time when i

was shopping with my son

and i’m holding this thing in my hand

that i really want

and you see it was a want it wasn’t a

need and i look at it

and i put it back on the shelf and he

says to me mommy why aren’t you buying

that and i say

i can’t afford it you see i knew my

situation would eventually change

and i could afford things later but i

was just like i can’t afford it honey

i was given good advice when going to my

divorce

that our children will watch how we

handle difficult times

and in turn they will learn how to

handle their own

difficult times for it’s not a child’s

burden to carry their parents pain

but it is our job to help our children

understand how to navigate their own

pain

so we would laugh and cry together we’d

have good days and hard days

and you see there was no we don’t talk

about it wall

i chose not to build it

and in that summer of change and

transformation for me there’s another

important morning

and this morning is when we send a group

of young leaders off to lead backpacking

trips on the west coast across the

country

so we get up early and we send them on a

shuttle to catch a plane to fly all day

and for me the best parallel i can draw

is it must be like dropping your kid off

at college

you want to hug them goodbye i wanted to

look them in the eyes and say

i believe in you i picked you for a

reason and i know you can do this job

but how was i gonna do that at five in

the morning with a sleeping child

because parents and caregivers out there

know that we don’t

love waking sleeping children it usually

leads to

cranky children for the rest of the day

but you know what i do not remember if

he was cranky because what i remember

is this beautiful sunrise and this cute

little kid in his pj

singing to the leaders and you see

that morning they saw me show up they

saw my messy beautiful

not perfect life they saw me balance

being a mom

and a leader and since that summer my

staff has become a family

because they’ve seen me as someone who

is trying and not somebody who is faking

it

i have then had the privilege of

supporting them through their highest of

highs

and their lowest of lows you see for the

staff this job has become

about a journey to living authentically

they get to show up be messy and still

be worthy i’ve learned that there is no

substitute for true

genuine human connection and

authenticity can be the foundation for

which we build these stronger

more real relationships creating

environments of both

acceptance and empathy in our personal

and professional lives

you see when i showed up when i came

out from behind that we don’t talk about

it wall and started showing my true and

authentic self

something really cool happened it

allowed

others the chance to do so as well

real conversations happened connections

reformed

and empathetic hearts were born

one of my biggest takeaways in this

journey is that i have learned that it

is okay to be real and authentic with

our children

it allows them to have a greater

understanding of feelings and emotions

at such a young age you see it turns out

that my son’s teacher was right all

along

he had been learning empathy at home

when i learned to be my authentic self