Im Not Lazy I Just Have a Superpower

[Music]

i have a problem

i have listed various doctors different

hospitals

my mom even made me split into her hand

full of salt

trying a weird witchcraft to cure me

nothing worked everybody has lost hope

and i i need help

what am i diagnosed with you might ask

well

whenever i get any sort of task i have

this

unnatural tendency where i glitch out

and then i come back to consciousness

one day before the due date of the task

almost like an old trigger okay maybe

i’m exercising but that’s not the point

basically i believe that my body my mind

and my soul is programmed in a manner

that it will find every possible

opportunity

to waste time no it’s not just

procrastination this is serious

this is a curse that i inherited from my

family

her my alter ego she and i have a

disagreements

her name is patricia if you’re wondering

patricia is not just

a random procrastinator she is a

professional

procrastinator

she is the moderator she’s lazy she

lollygags

and if not utterly hopeless and it

doesn’t end there

patricia is great at multitasking

she can waste time beyond productive and

procrastinate all at once

and yet she still does what she does

with a passion one of the extent of her

passion when patricia had created

a dictionary for procrastinators let me

pick up a few vocabulary

for you first one

study according to google study means

the devotion of time and attention

for gaining knowledge all right but

according to patricia’s

dictionary for procrastinators study

means the act of texting

eating and watching tv with an open

textbook nearby

next one cleaning according to google

cleaning means the act of removing moths

stains or dust okay but according to

patricia’s dictionary

cleaning means shoving junk and trash in

less obvious places

like under the bed or in the cupboard

and since patricia takes over my body i

have no choice other than to follow his

ridiculous

vocabulary so no it’s not my fault

patricia has changed my outlook on life

i’m more immature and more careless now

she had taken over my life and i’m not

normal anymore

and i did not know how bad i was until

last year

last year when i was actually in school

all these girls

productive overachieving girls would

come up to me

and be like how to go home

and i have to finish an extra work shoot

for practice but trisha and i had

procrastinated to even find out the date

of the exam and i don’t know what else

to say other than

girl just don’t do it no no you don’t

understand

i only got 99 last time i’m such

a loser honey i got 99 problems and

they’re all due tomorrow

and you might be like come on you got

yourself up to that point

now it’s your time to suffer in it no i

disagree

the reason things like this always

happen to me is because of patricia’s

horrendous motto patricia’s motto

is that if tomorrow is not the due date

then today is not the do date

i despised her i hated the fact that my

friends and family had to look down at

me hopelessly

but then i wondered is this really a

disability

is this really a disadvantage is this

really a curse

and then i came to the conclusion no

it’s not now hear me out here’s what i

began by asking myself

why do we procrastinate and within a

second she answered

the fact that we procrastinate

and still manage to get the job done

is why we procrastinate and when i

thought about it it’s true

because it doesn’t matter how you

squeeze the toothpick further from the

top or the bottom

what matters is if the toothpaste comes

out or not and it does

similarly it doesn’t matter if i waste

time or not

what matters is if i get the job done or

not and i always do

now i also ask myself what is

procrastination anyway

so i googled it and according to google

it was delaying or postponing something

or showing

the act of laziness i strongly disagree

i am extremely productive

at doing irrelevant things but that

still counts these are just a fraction

of the reasons

why i have decided to side with patricia

she’s a part of me she is my ally

my parents on the other hand had come to

the conclusion that i am delusional

my mom even started sticking cringy

inspirational tumblr quotes on my walls

one of the posters said hard work

often pays off after time when laziness

pays off now

i’m not waiting for happiness i want it

now life’s too short

and i i’ll stop being lazy

when being lazy stops feeling good

have you ever just clicked accept

without reading the terms and conditions

have you ever been lazy and

procrastinated to get ready and then you

didn’t go to the event because you’re

late anyway

have you ever dropped an ice cube and

kicked it under the fridge

do you know how good that feels i’m not

just about to stop it call it whatever

you want

lazy procrastination whatever it is

another poster said do your homework

go back with iceberg if anybody wants a

bucket

to throw up after hearing that i

understand go ahead

take your time also i don’t understand

what she means because

i love homework it’s so

it fascinates me it’s so beautiful and

long

that i sit and stare at it for hours

give me 34 years to do homework and i

still wouldn’t do it until the night

before

why because why do the homework now

when you can wait for a few hours so

that you’re older

and therefore was a quick logic

so yeah tumblr definitely won’t fix this

and even though i

absolutely did not want to but

hypothetically if i want to fix this

how would i then i found it

the only way that i can stop

procrastinating

is if one by one my friends were killed

every hour that i waste

but even then you know

which friend i’m ready to compromise

okay it depends

it depends so yeah i i gave up trying to

find a solution

and do it tomorrow and even though i

failed to find a solution

i did find something else that i’m doing

something

way more interesting a major theory a

scientific

breakthrough here it is let me tell you

you can detect my level of productivity

through my google search history when i

promote you let’s here let me see let me

prove you let me read out

my google search history

what if i hired two detectives to follow

each other

do cows have best friends why isn’t

eleven pronounced

one t one what if airplanes don’t really

fly

and the windows inside of these tvs

what is cats of internet and it’s full

of pictures of us humans

what is okay i’m not gonna read that

so you get the point with that you can

understand how productive i

am which is not productive at all

where’s my nobel prize i just discovered

something

also discovered that my family is a

bunch of hypocrites

i recently found out that this

procrastination phenomenon around us in

the family

i was born two weeks late so i have

shown signs of patricia from

really young age don’t blame me now

and unlike my family i sure am proud of

it

why because i wouldn’t like superpowers

and you might be wondering where what

superpowers

well listen well patricia and i

might only be able to do 30 minutes of

work

in eight hours given but

we are able to do eight hours of work

in the last 30 minutes now how cool is

that

i’ve had many teachers come up to me and

be like

this isn’t some sort of assignment

that you can do the night before ma’am

you’re underestimating

patricia you are underestimating the

power of a procrastinator

now listen well there is no limits

to what you can accomplish when you’re

supposed to do something else

this is something that i’ve noticed way

too many times

for example if i’m supposed to do

something patricia distracts me and

makes me do something else that is

productive

for example if i get an assignment

no i don’t pick up my pen i go clean my

house

i go tidy up my bookshelf finally on

birthday cards and cry about it

i start making everyone refreshments and

chat

i start watching motivational videos to

uplift my spirit

but here’s the catch because at the end

of the day

at the last moment i still

do the assignment so when people with

their lives together

come up to me and brag like i started my

assignment

early with a focused mind

and i did all the questions with the

chakra of meditation

flowing through my veins and i finished

early to have a clear mindset

of like oh that’s that’s cute

that’s cute anymore but i cleaned my

apartment

had my refreshment got entertainment

have my appointment and i did my

assignment

you see at the last moment patricia

makes me focused

she makes me determined she equips me to

do the impossible

in very less amounts of time in a panic

induced environment while i’m high on a

tunnel

and most importantly patricia makes me

happy

see this is what i’m saying patricia is

a gift she is

my superpower so if you suffer from

similar conditions then let me tell you

there is hope for us to find it

you need to wake up your inner patricia

he or she will bring out the best in you

and when they do appear

and you start emitting your superpowers

or procrastinating

own it take pride in it embrace it

and most importantly don’t forget to

brag about it

which is why patricia and i have an

announcement

we are starting a company and it is

called

the powerpuff girls no obviously

is called the procrastinator union

federation puf puff

designed for procrastinators all over

the world

how do i join well easy all you have to

do

is accept your inner procrastinator

we have been looked down for too long

procrastinators

let’s take over the world