Im Not Lazy I Just Have a Superpower
[Music]
i have a problem
i have listed various doctors different
hospitals
my mom even made me split into her hand
full of salt
trying a weird witchcraft to cure me
nothing worked everybody has lost hope
and i i need help
what am i diagnosed with you might ask
well
whenever i get any sort of task i have
this
unnatural tendency where i glitch out
and then i come back to consciousness
one day before the due date of the task
almost like an old trigger okay maybe
i’m exercising but that’s not the point
basically i believe that my body my mind
and my soul is programmed in a manner
that it will find every possible
opportunity
to waste time no it’s not just
procrastination this is serious
this is a curse that i inherited from my
family
her my alter ego she and i have a
disagreements
her name is patricia if you’re wondering
patricia is not just
a random procrastinator she is a
professional
procrastinator
she is the moderator she’s lazy she
lollygags
and if not utterly hopeless and it
doesn’t end there
patricia is great at multitasking
she can waste time beyond productive and
procrastinate all at once
and yet she still does what she does
with a passion one of the extent of her
passion when patricia had created
a dictionary for procrastinators let me
pick up a few vocabulary
for you first one
study according to google study means
the devotion of time and attention
for gaining knowledge all right but
according to patricia’s
dictionary for procrastinators study
means the act of texting
eating and watching tv with an open
textbook nearby
next one cleaning according to google
cleaning means the act of removing moths
stains or dust okay but according to
patricia’s dictionary
cleaning means shoving junk and trash in
less obvious places
like under the bed or in the cupboard
and since patricia takes over my body i
have no choice other than to follow his
ridiculous
vocabulary so no it’s not my fault
patricia has changed my outlook on life
i’m more immature and more careless now
she had taken over my life and i’m not
normal anymore
and i did not know how bad i was until
last year
last year when i was actually in school
all these girls
productive overachieving girls would
come up to me
and be like how to go home
and i have to finish an extra work shoot
for practice but trisha and i had
procrastinated to even find out the date
of the exam and i don’t know what else
to say other than
girl just don’t do it no no you don’t
understand
i only got 99 last time i’m such
a loser honey i got 99 problems and
they’re all due tomorrow
and you might be like come on you got
yourself up to that point
now it’s your time to suffer in it no i
disagree
the reason things like this always
happen to me is because of patricia’s
horrendous motto patricia’s motto
is that if tomorrow is not the due date
then today is not the do date
i despised her i hated the fact that my
friends and family had to look down at
me hopelessly
but then i wondered is this really a
disability
is this really a disadvantage is this
really a curse
and then i came to the conclusion no
it’s not now hear me out here’s what i
began by asking myself
why do we procrastinate and within a
second she answered
the fact that we procrastinate
and still manage to get the job done
is why we procrastinate and when i
thought about it it’s true
because it doesn’t matter how you
squeeze the toothpick further from the
top or the bottom
what matters is if the toothpaste comes
out or not and it does
similarly it doesn’t matter if i waste
time or not
what matters is if i get the job done or
not and i always do
now i also ask myself what is
procrastination anyway
so i googled it and according to google
it was delaying or postponing something
or showing
the act of laziness i strongly disagree
i am extremely productive
at doing irrelevant things but that
still counts these are just a fraction
of the reasons
why i have decided to side with patricia
she’s a part of me she is my ally
my parents on the other hand had come to
the conclusion that i am delusional
my mom even started sticking cringy
inspirational tumblr quotes on my walls
one of the posters said hard work
often pays off after time when laziness
pays off now
i’m not waiting for happiness i want it
now life’s too short
and i i’ll stop being lazy
when being lazy stops feeling good
have you ever just clicked accept
without reading the terms and conditions
have you ever been lazy and
procrastinated to get ready and then you
didn’t go to the event because you’re
late anyway
have you ever dropped an ice cube and
kicked it under the fridge
do you know how good that feels i’m not
just about to stop it call it whatever
you want
lazy procrastination whatever it is
another poster said do your homework
go back with iceberg if anybody wants a
bucket
to throw up after hearing that i
understand go ahead
take your time also i don’t understand
what she means because
i love homework it’s so
it fascinates me it’s so beautiful and
long
that i sit and stare at it for hours
give me 34 years to do homework and i
still wouldn’t do it until the night
before
why because why do the homework now
when you can wait for a few hours so
that you’re older
and therefore was a quick logic
so yeah tumblr definitely won’t fix this
and even though i
absolutely did not want to but
hypothetically if i want to fix this
how would i then i found it
the only way that i can stop
procrastinating
is if one by one my friends were killed
every hour that i waste
but even then you know
which friend i’m ready to compromise
okay it depends
it depends so yeah i i gave up trying to
find a solution
and do it tomorrow and even though i
failed to find a solution
i did find something else that i’m doing
something
way more interesting a major theory a
scientific
breakthrough here it is let me tell you
you can detect my level of productivity
through my google search history when i
promote you let’s here let me see let me
prove you let me read out
my google search history
what if i hired two detectives to follow
each other
do cows have best friends why isn’t
eleven pronounced
one t one what if airplanes don’t really
fly
and the windows inside of these tvs
what is cats of internet and it’s full
of pictures of us humans
what is okay i’m not gonna read that
so you get the point with that you can
understand how productive i
am which is not productive at all
where’s my nobel prize i just discovered
something
also discovered that my family is a
bunch of hypocrites
i recently found out that this
procrastination phenomenon around us in
the family
i was born two weeks late so i have
shown signs of patricia from
really young age don’t blame me now
and unlike my family i sure am proud of
it
why because i wouldn’t like superpowers
and you might be wondering where what
superpowers
well listen well patricia and i
might only be able to do 30 minutes of
work
in eight hours given but
we are able to do eight hours of work
in the last 30 minutes now how cool is
that
i’ve had many teachers come up to me and
be like
this isn’t some sort of assignment
that you can do the night before ma’am
you’re underestimating
patricia you are underestimating the
power of a procrastinator
now listen well there is no limits
to what you can accomplish when you’re
supposed to do something else
this is something that i’ve noticed way
too many times
for example if i’m supposed to do
something patricia distracts me and
makes me do something else that is
productive
for example if i get an assignment
no i don’t pick up my pen i go clean my
house
i go tidy up my bookshelf finally on
birthday cards and cry about it
i start making everyone refreshments and
chat
i start watching motivational videos to
uplift my spirit
but here’s the catch because at the end
of the day
at the last moment i still
do the assignment so when people with
their lives together
come up to me and brag like i started my
assignment
early with a focused mind
and i did all the questions with the
chakra of meditation
flowing through my veins and i finished
early to have a clear mindset
of like oh that’s that’s cute
that’s cute anymore but i cleaned my
apartment
had my refreshment got entertainment
have my appointment and i did my
assignment
you see at the last moment patricia
makes me focused
she makes me determined she equips me to
do the impossible
in very less amounts of time in a panic
induced environment while i’m high on a
tunnel
and most importantly patricia makes me
happy
see this is what i’m saying patricia is
a gift she is
my superpower so if you suffer from
similar conditions then let me tell you
there is hope for us to find it
you need to wake up your inner patricia
he or she will bring out the best in you
and when they do appear
and you start emitting your superpowers
or procrastinating
own it take pride in it embrace it
and most importantly don’t forget to
brag about it
which is why patricia and i have an
announcement
we are starting a company and it is
called
the powerpuff girls no obviously
is called the procrastinator union
federation puf puff
designed for procrastinators all over
the world
how do i join well easy all you have to
do
is accept your inner procrastinator
we have been looked down for too long
procrastinators
let’s take over the world