The Pain Power and Paradox of Bias
[Music]
bias
what does that word mean for you i want
to share with you my personal story
about the pain paradox and power
of bias i was a sophomore in high school
after an excruciating morning of algebra
i couldn’t wait to sit down and enjoy my
lunch
the only thing standing between me and
food
was a quick stop to my locker to drop
off my books
that’s when i saw it a big ugly note
taped to my locker door it read
go back to your country
the words felt like a vicious assault
that cut through my
psyche like a knife instantly
i felt fear and a rage simmering
inside of me it shook me to my core
by the way this is my country i was born
here but that’s besides the point
this thing was real regardless
lunch was a blur of confusion hurt and
pain
i don’t even remember eating i just
remember being at a carousel where you
put your trays up after you’re done
and a girl started to make fun of me she
called me a dot head while pointing to
her head and i just snapped
lost it it took three people to hold me
back
and yet once again i was the only one
suspended and sent home from school it
was so
unfair this wasn’t the first time i’d
gotten in trouble for sticking up for
myself
and it wouldn’t be the last when i think
back to my childhood
i remember asking my parents some really
tough questions
they were immigrants from india we were
the only
indian family in a predominantly italian
neighborhood in chicago
i remember asking them why are they
making fun of your accent
why are they vandalizing our home with
toilet paper and graffiti
and why am i getting in trouble for
defending myself
these conversations were never easy not
for my parents
not for me sometimes they didn’t know
what to say
other times my dad would say just ignore
them seigel
or he would tell me to take the high
road
i learned how to use my words
i learned how to stand up for myself and
i figured out when it was better for me
to just walk away
but i still struggled to find the
answers to my many whys
that night that i got suspended from
school i remember crying myself to sleep
i mean the pain and injustice of bias
pure agony
i fell asleep thinking about several
conversations i’d had with my dad
where i felt broken like this before
the next morning was a turning point for
me after i woke up
i laid in bed for several hours just
replaying those same conversations in my
head
and i remembered his words of kindness
not anger of compassion
not aggression of civility
not revenge against those kids
he taught me two very important lessons
about the paradox of bias
he would say you know seal when people
are hurting those
around them they themselves are hurting
inside
and then he would remind me that we’re
all capable of being hurtful
and treating others badly
that morning i was left with the same
choice that you’ve probably been left
with at some point in your life
i can choose to be a victim or i can
choose to rise up and somehow
find a place of compassion for those
kids
i share my story and these lessons with
you because i know
i’m not the only one that’s ever felt
like an outsider
i’m not the only one that’s felt
overlooked ignored or harassed
haven’t you we throw around the word
inclusion quite a lot these days
and i wonder if we spend enough time
reflecting on
what it feels like to be excluded
we’ve all been there and it hurts and
i’m willing to bet that we don’t want
that for ourselves
or be the one to inflict that on others
i’ve talked to 60 year olds that
remember the name of the kid that
tormented them back in grade school
it’s the kind of pain that lingers with
us for a lifetime
and these same people remember the name
of that one person
that stood up for them in fourth grade i
know i do
inclusion isn’t a nice to have it’s a
must-have
belonging is a powerful human need for
all of us
you know my dad was right he would
always joke around about how i was
destined to be a lawyer because i asked
why all the time
i mean i admit i was pretty relentless i
did become a lawyer and guess what
asking why is still one of my favorite
questions
but here’s the paradox in my story
i went from being a victim of bias
to now defending people who were accused
of hurting others my father helped me
see that bias is not one-dimensional
the pain of bias impacts all of us
i’ve spent a majority of my legal career
representing people who were accused of
harassing
and discriminating and this is the part
of my journey
where i learned about the power of bias
let me ask you a question have you ever
been a victim of somebody else’s bias
how did that feel
have you ever been accused of being
biased
how did that feel if you’re like most
people
it feels terrible to be a victim of
somebody else’s bias and it also feels
terrible to be accused of being biased
we don’t like to think of ourselves as
being biased
we like to think we can manage our bias
but it’s just not that simple
scientists have found that our brain
processes close to 11 million pieces of
information per second how much of that
do you think is consciously processed
only 50. so while we like to think that
we’re being thoughtful
deliberate and intentional our conscious
thinking
is actually a very small part of what
drives
us how we act towards someone
whether it’s favorably or unfavorably
how we interpret what we see and what we
hear
who we believe or disbelieve
and how we make important decisions in
our lives
is largely based on how we apply our
past
experiences to our current situation
and what attitudes and worldviews we’ve
been exposed to in our lives
most of this happens without us even
realizing
it happens unconsciously bias occurs
because we’re all hardwired to make
automatic judgments about every single
person that we meet
did you know that within the first seven
seconds of meeting someone
you make 11 judgments about them
some of the first things we notice about
somebody is their race
their age and their gender and then
without even realizing it
unconsciously our mind associates those
characteristics with other
characteristics
like wealth education social status
by the way people can be biased about
anything
whether you’re left-handed or
right-handed how tall you are
what you wear what kind of music you
like it could be anything
these snap judgments that we make about
others are
oftentimes incorrect and harmful
to those around us especially when we’re
dealing with people that are different
than us
and then we go on to try to find
evidence to confirm our initial
impressions of that person
whether or not those were true this is
the unconscious power of bias
to control our thoughts and behaviors
the problem is we can’t manage our bias
until we learn about what they are and
most people
shut down the minute they hear the word
bias
the word has become vilified shunned and
stacked with shame a huge paradigm that
prevents us from making progress
is this unfounded notion that only
ill-intentioned or morally flawed people
have bias
this couldn’t be further from the truth
i believe it’s imperative that we change
our perspective on the word bias
and our expectations of each other it
starts with each and every single one of
us
the first step is to understand your own
biases more deeply
as you do you can manage them through
your current beliefs
i want to share with you a process that
i use to manage my own bias in
meaningful ways
i’m a visual person i like to connect my
words with images
to keep my most important thoughts top
of mind
with that i want you to imagine a hat i
mean after all
that’s where our head sits on top of our
mind
think about what a hat means to you it
could be a uniform to connect people in
teams
it could be a fashion statement for men
and for women
hats also protect us it keeps the
scorching sun off our face
and it also keeps us warm when it’s
freezing cold out in the winter
we wear many hats in our lives and i
want to add
one more to your collection that you can
take anywhere and everywhere that you go
hat is an acronym for hold off
ask why and take action
hold off when you find yourself having
strong or immediate reactions about
someone
especially when your response or opinion
is negative
hold off look for objective facts
rather than just relying on your initial
impressions or assumptions
that may or may not be accurate
ask why like you did when you were a
child
to rekindle your curiosity
commit to approaching conversations with
an
inquiring mind with the spirit of
empathy and
understanding before you jump to
conclusions or judge
others and when you find yourself
judging others
stop ask yourself why and
analyze how you’re reaching your
conclusions
and then take action it doesn’t have to
be complicated
the golden rule says that we should
treat others in the way that we want to
be treated
personally i prefer the platinum rule
better
it says to treat others in the way that
they want to be treated
as you practice wearing your hat you’ll
be able to choose
your behaviors and your beliefs
you can choose awareness
over ignorance you can choose
understanding over judgment
acceptance over rejection
and you can choose inclusion
over exclusion
i have an eight-year-old son named shane
and he means the world to me
i know i can’t protect him from
experiencing bias in his life
or from experiencing the pain and
injustice i felt at that locker
so many years ago and i also know
that he’s going to develop his own
biases as he grows older
but wearing our hat is a staple in our
home and i know his special hat will
keep him warm
when he feels the effects of other
people’s bias which can seem
bitterly cold at times
wearing your hat is a personal choice
but i hope you’ll wear your hat every
single day
maybe even tip it to those that you meet
along your way
as you bond in more meaningful
relationships
it will help to free you from the pain
of bias
to help you truly understand the paradox
of bias
and to give you the power to empower you
to deal with your bias in a whole new
way the choice is yours
only yours