The power of vulnerability Bren Brown

so I’ll start with this a couple years

ago an event planner called me because I

was going to do a speaking event and she

called and she said I’m really

struggling with how to write about you

on the little flyer and I thought well

what’s the struggle and she said well I

saw you speak and I I’m going to call

you a researcher I think but I’m afraid

if I call your researcher no one will

come because they’ll think you’re boring

and irrelevant and say okay and she said

so but the thing I liked about your talk

is you know you’re a storyteller so I

think what I’ll do is just call you a

storyteller and of course the academic

insecure part of me was like you’re

going to call me a wet and she said I’m

going to call you a storyteller and I

was like why not magic pixie I was like

I I don’t I let me think about this for

a second and so I tried to call deep on

my courage and I thought you know I am a

storyteller I’m a qualitative researcher

I collect stories that’s what I do and

maybe stories are just data with a soul

you know and maybe I’m just a

storyteller so I said you know what why

don’t you just say I’m a researcher

storyteller and she went there’s no such

thing so I’m a researcher storyteller

and I’m going to talk to you today we’re

talking about expanding perception and

so I want to talk to you and tell some

stories about a piece of my research

that fundamentally expanded my

perception and really actually changed

the way that I live and love and work

and parent and this is where my story

starts when I was a young researcher a

doctoral student my first year I had a

research professor who said to us here’s

the thing if you cannot measure it it

does not exist and I thought he was just

sweet-talking me I was like really and

he’s like absolutely so you have to

understand that I have a bachelors in

social work of Masters in Social Work

and I was getting my PhD in social work

so my entire academic career was

surrounded by people who kind of

believed in the life’s messy

love it you know and I’m more the life’s

messy clean it up organize it and put it

into a bento box and so to think that

had found my way to found a career that

takes me you know really one of the big

sayings and in social work is lean in to

the discomfort of the work and I’m like

you know knock discomfort upside the

head and move it over and get all A’s

that’s my that was my mantra so I was

very excited about this and so I thought

you know what this is the career for me

because I am interested in some messy

topics but I want to be able to make

them not messy I want to understand them

I want to hack into these things I know

are important and lay the code out for

everyone to see so where I started was

with connection because by the time

you’re a social worker for 10 years what

you realize is that connection is why

we’re here it’s what gives purpose and

meaning to our lives

this is this is what it’s all about it

doesn’t matter whether you talk to

people who work in social justice and

mental health and abuse and neglect what

we know is that connection the ability

to feel connected is neuro biologically

that’s how we’re wired it’s why we’re

here so I thought you know what I’m

going to start with connection well you

know that that situation where you get

an evaluation from your boss and she

tells you 37 things that you do really

awesome and one thing that you can’t you

know an opportunity for growth and all

you can think about is that opportunity

for growth right well apparently this is

the way my work went as well because

when you ask people about love they tell

you about heartbreak when you ask people

about belonging they’ll tell you the

most excruciating experiences of being

excluded and when you ask people about

connection the stories they told me were

about disconnection

so very quickly really about six weeks

into this research I ran into this

unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled

connection in a way that I didn’t

understand or had never seen and so I

pulled back out of the Reece

Virgen thought i need to figure out what

this is and it turned out to be shame

and shame is really easily understood as

the fear of disconnection is there

something about me that if other people

know it or see it that I won’t be worthy

of connection the things I can tell you

about it it’s universal we all have it

the only people who don’t experience

shame have no capacity for human empathy

or connection no one wants to talk about

it and unless you talk about the more

you have it

what underpinned this shame this I’m not

good enough which we all know that

feeling

I’m not blank enough I’m not thin enough

rich enough beautiful not smart enough

promoted enough the thing that

underpinned this was excruciating

vulnerability this idea of an order for

connection to happen we have to allow

ourselves to be seen really seen and you

know how I feel about vulnerability I

hate vulnerability and so I thought this

is my chance to beat it back with my

measuring stick I’m going in I’m going

to figure this stuff out I’m going to

spend a year I’m going to totally

deconstruct shame I’m going to

understand how vulnerability works and

I’m going to outsmart it so I was ready

and I was really excited as you know

it’s not going to turn out well

you know this so I could tell you a lot

about shame but I’d have to borrow

everyone else’s time but here’s what I

can tell you that it boils down to and

this may be one of the most important

things that I’ve ever learned in the

decade of doing this research my one

years turned into six years thousands of

stories hundreds of long interviews

focus groups at one point people were

sending me journal pages and sending me

their stories on thousands of pieces of

data and six years and I kind of got a

handle on it I kind of understood this

is what shame is this is how it works I

wrote a book I published a theory but

something was not okay and what it was

is that if i roughly took the people I

interviewed and divided them into people

who really have a sense of worthiness

that’s what this comes down to a sense

of worthiness they have a strong sense

of love and belonging and folks who

struggle for it and folks who are always

wondering if they’re good enough

there was only one variable that

separated the people who have a strong

sense of love and belonging and the

people who really struggle for it and

that was the people who have a strong

sense of love and belonging believe

they’re worthy of love and belonging sit

they believe they’re worthy and to me

the hard part of the one thing that

keeps us out of connection is our fear

that were not worthy of connection was

something that personally and

professionally I felt like I needed to

understand better so what I did is I

took all of the interviews where I saw

worthiness where I saw people living

that way and just looked at those what

do these people have in common and I

have I have a slight office-supply

addiction but it’s another talk so I had

a vanilla note but an in manila folder

and I had a sharpie and I was like what

am I going to call this research in the

first words that came to my mind were

wholehearted these are kind of

wholehearted people living from this

deep sense of worthiness so I wrote at

the top of the manila folder

and I started looking at the data in

fact I did it first in this very four

and afford a very intensive data

analysis where I went back pulled these

interviews pulled the stories pulled the

incidents what’s the what’s the theme

what’s the pattern my husband left town

with the kids because I always go into

this kind of Jackson Pollock crazy thing

where I’m just like writing and going

and kind of just in my researcher mode

and so here’s what I found what they had

in common was a sense of courage and I

want to separate courage and bravery for

you for a minute

courage the original definition of

courage when it first came into the

English language it’s from the Latin

word cur meaning heart and the original

definition was to tell the story of who

you are with your whole heart and so

these folks had very simply the courage

to be imperfect they had the compassion

to be kind to themselves first and then

to others because as it turns out we

can’t practice compassion with other

people if we can’t treat ourselves

kindly and the last was they had

connection and this was the hard part

as a result of authenticity they were

willing to let go of who they thought

they should be in order to be who they

were which is you have to absolutely do

that for connection the other thing that

they had in common was this

they fully embraced vulnerability they

believed that what made them vulnerable

made them beautiful they didn’t talk

about vulnerability being comfortable

nor did they really talked about it

being excruciating as I had heard

earlier in the shame interviewing they

just talked about it being necessary

they talked about the willingness to say

I love you first the willingness to do

something where there are no guarantees

the willingness to breathe through

waiting for the doctor to call after

your mammogram the willing to invest in

a relationship that may or may not work

out they thought this was fundamental I

personally thought it was betrayal I

could not believe I had pledged

allegiance to research where our job you

know the definition of research is to

control control and predict a study

phenomenon for the reason for the

explicit reason to control and predict

and now my very you know my mission to

control and predict had turned up the

answer that the way to live is with

vulnerability and to stop controlling

and predicting this led to a little

breakdown

which actually looked more like this and

it did it led to a I call to break down

my therapist calls it a spiritual

awakening spiritual awakening sounds

better than breakdown but I assure you

it was a breakdown and I had to put my

data away and go find a therapist let me

tell you something you know who you are

when you call your friends and say I

think I need to see somebody who do you

have any recommendations because about

five my friends like whoo I wouldn’t

want to be your therapist what does that

mean even though I I am just saying you

know like don’t bring your measuring

stick uh okay so I found a therapist my

first meeting with her Diana I brought

in my list of the way the wholehearted

live and I sat down and she said you

know how are you and I said I’m great

you know I’m okay and she said what’s

going on and I said and this is a

therapist who sees therapists because we

have to go to those because they’re BS

meters or good and so I said here’s the

thing I’m struggling and she said what’s

the struggle and I said well I have a

vulnerability issue and you know and I

know that vulnerability is kind of the

core of shame and fear and our struggle

for worthiness but it appears that it’s

also the birthplace of joy of creativity

of belonging of love and I think I have

a problem and I just I need some help

and I said but here’s the thing

no family stuff no childhood I just

I just need some strategies

thank you um so she goes like this and

then I said it’s bad right

she said it’s neither good nor bad it

just is what it is and I said oh my god

this is going to suck and it did and it

didn’t and it took about a year and you

know how there are people that like when

they realize that vulnerability and

tenderness are important that they kind

of surrender and walk into it eh

That’s not me and B I don’t even hang

out with people like that

for me it was a year-long street fight

it was a slugfest vulnerability pushed I

push back I lost the fight but probably

won my life back and so then I went back

into the research and spent the next

couple of years really trying to

understand what they the wholehearted

what the choices they were making and

and what what is what what are we doing

with vulnerability why do we struggle

with it so much am I alone and

struggling with vulnerability No so this

is what I learned we numb vulnerability

when we’re waiting for the call it was

funny I sent something out on Twitter

and on Facebook that says how would you

define vulnerability what makes you feel

vulnerable and within an hour and a half

I had 150 responses because I wanted to

know you know what what’s out there

having to ask my husband for help

because I’m sick and we’re newly married

initiating sex with my husband

initiating sex with my wife being turned

down asking someone out waiting for the

doctor to call back getting laid off

laying off people this is the world we

live in we live in a vulnerable world

and one of the ways we deal with it is

we numb vulnerability and I think

there’s evidence it’s not the only

reason this evidence exists but I think

that there it’s

huge cause we are the most in debt obese

addicted and medicated adult cohort in

US history the problem is and I learned

this from the research that you cannot

selectively numb emotion you can’t say

here’s the bad stuff

here’s vulnerability here’s grief here’s

Shane here’s fear here’s disappointment

I don’t want to feel these I’m going to

have a couple of beers and a Banana Nut

muffin I don’t want to feel these and I

know that’s it I know that’s knowing

laughter i hack into your lives for a

living I know that’s God

you can’t numb those hard feelings

without numbing the other FX or emotions

you cannot selectively know so when we

numb those we numb joy we numb gratitude

we numb happiness and then we are

miserable and we are looking for purpose

and meaning and then we feel vulnerable

so then we have a couple of beers in a

Banana Nut muffin and it becomes this

dangerous cycle one of the things that I

think that we need to think about is why

and how we numb and it doesn’t just have

to be addiction the other thing we do is

we make everything that’s uncertain

certain religion has gone from a belief

in faith and mystery to certainty I’m

right you’re wrong shut up that’s it

just certain

the more afraid we are the more

vulnerable are the more afraid we are

this is what politics looks like today

there’s no discourse anymore there’s no

conversation

there’s just blame you know what blame

you know how blame is described in the

research a way to discharge pain and

discomfort we perfect if there’s anyone

who wants their life to look like this

it would be me but it doesn’t work

because what we do is we take fat from

our butts and put it in our cheeks

which Jess I hope in 100 years people

will look back and go and we perfect

most dangerously our children let me

tell you what we think about children

they’re hardwired for struggle when they

get here when you sold those perfect

little babies in your hand our job is

not to say look at her she’s perfect my

job is just to keep her perfect make

sure she makes the tennis team by fifth

grade and Yale by seventh grade that’s

not our job our job is to look and say

you know what you’re imperfect and

you’re wired for struggle but you are

worthy of love and belonging that’s our

job

show me a generation of kids raise like

that and we’ll end the problems I think

that we see today we pretend that what

we do doesn’t have an effect on people

we do that in our personal lives we do

that corporate whether it’s a bailout an

oil spill a recall we pretend like what

we’re doing does it have a huge impact

on other people I would say to companies

this is not our first rodeo people we

just need you to be authentic and real

and say we’re sorry we’ll fix it but

there’s another way and I’ll leave you

with this this is what I have found to

let ourselves be seen deeply seen

vulnerably seem to love with our whole

hearts even though there’s no guarantee

and that’s really hard I can tell you as

a parent that’s excruciating ly

difficult to practice gratitude and joy

in those moments of kind of terror when

we’re wondering can I love you this much

can I believe in this as passionately

can I be this fierce about this just to

be able to stop and instead of

catastrophizing what might happen to say

I’m just so grateful because to feel

this vulnerable means I’m alive and the

last which I think is probably the most

important is to believe that we’re

enough because when we work from a place

I believe that says I’m enough

then we stop screaming and start

listening

we’re kinder and gentler to the people

around us and we’re kind or and gentler

to ourselves that’s all I have