Life After My Lockdown

[Music]

[Applause]

my name’s raphael rowe

and i spent 12 long years in prison for

murder

and robbery crimes i didn’t commit

i want you to imagine that you were me

you’re 20 years old

you’re in your flat in your bed sleeping

all of a sudden you hear loud noises

you’re woken up

you go to investigate the noises you

wonder if somebody’s broken into your

flat

and what you’re faced with is men in

balaclavas pointing guns at you

these are not criminals this is the

police you’re thrown on the floor and

your hands are cuffed behind your back

with plastic cuffs you’re dragged out of

your flat put into the back of a police

van and taken to a police station

you’re then interrogated about murder

and a series of robberies

you’re being accused of crimes you know

you didn’t commit

then you’re charged with that murder and

those robberies

and you’re sent to prison but not just

any prison

you end up in a prison within a prison

you’re 20 years old

when i entered the prison i walked

through the normal population where they

housed most of the prisoners in this old

victorian nick

and i went up some iron stairs they

banged the door

the slot opened a man looked out

one on they said i shut the slot

open the door i stepped inside with two

prison guards

and they shut that door before they

opened another door

and then i walked inside the prison

within a prison and what that means is

that this prison this confined space is

built inside a prison for

the country’s most dangerous prisoners

and i’ve become one of the most

dangerous prisoners in the country

in that show i had my head in my hands

and i wanted to cry

i was 20 years old in a man’s prison

within a prison

there was a window up in the wall three

sets of bars

it let in little light there was no

toilet and no sink

there was a chamber potty that i was

expected to pee and poo in every day

which i did for the next 18 months i’d

empty it when they’d open my cell door

alongside a number of other prisoners as

we had to slop

out area and we’d slop out so all this

pee and poo was being tipped

into the same space imagine the smell

i’d eat my meals in my cell and the only

other time i’d be allowed out of myself

was to go on exercise

and that was in a 20 by 20 cage i stood

in the number one court at the old

bailey

charged with murder and robbery with two

other men

two other black men the victims of the

crimes had described

the perpetrators as two white men

and one black man yet three black men

stood in the dock accused of these

crimes

and then were convicted of these crimes

despite the victims

descriptions of the perpetrators i was

sentenced to life imprisonment

never to be released at the time the

media were calling for

hanging to be brought back and if it had

been

i would have been hung and i wouldn’t be

here sharing my story with you today

i didn’t conform to the regime which

made it even harder for me

because every time the screws or prison

officers opened my cell door

and demanded that i go to work or

demanded that i do something

like rehabilitation i’d refuse i’d

refuse

because i couldn’t accept that i was in

prison for a crime that i didn’t commit

so i fought back physically mentally

psychologically and for that i’d face

the consequence

they would drag me down to the isolation

block or the segregation block

they’d give me a kick in and then they’d

leave me stripped naked and left

in my own blood and bruises the

psychological scars

and the physical scars i endured during

those

12 years in prison were difficult and

that happened

so many times i become hardened

to what it was like being isolated and

segregated so it’s one thing being

confined

in a prison within a prison it’s one

thing to be held in maximum security

cells it’s another thing to be in the

dark belly of the beast

in the segregation unit where there is

no one

but just you a cardboard table and chair

and an iron bed and i’d spend years over

the years

in isolation in segregation suffering

because i was an innocent man not

accepting my fate the only way to fight

my wrongful convictions

was with a pen and piece of paper

today you have the internet you have

access to smartphones

and other bits of technology you never

get those in prison

but at the time i was in prison it was

only pen and paper and that’s what i’d

use

day after day i’d read the documentation

that said i was a guilty man

every line of every document over and

over again looking for

bits of evidence that i could present to

my lawyers

to help me fight my conviction the media

played a significant part

in my wrongful convictions by deeming us

to be the uk’s most dangerous man

painting this picture

of the devils we were even though we

weren’t

and so i knew the only way to get people

to support my wrongful conviction

was to get the media to write about my

wrongful conviction and so i embarked on

a journalism course

to use the media i needed to understand

the media and that’s exactly what i did

among all this there was one thing that

kept me going

i wrote to the journalist i’d started to

engage

they started to engage and ask questions

about my

conviction but there was nothing

nothing more powerful than the hope i

had within myself

that one day my convictions would be

overturned and that

hope turned to reality when in july 2000

the court of appeal recognized after 12

years

that i’d been wrongly convicted and set

me free

and that was a frightening moment mobile

phones didn’t exist when i went to

prison

the internet didn’t exist when i went to

prison not like it does today

so when i walked out the court of appeal

and i shouted

i shouted as loud as i could i was 20

when i went to prison

i’m 32 now all those years gone

never to get them back it was really

difficult for me when i came out of

prison because i’d lost the ability to

do the things that you acquire

just growing up i spent the whole of my

20s locked up in prison

and so i’d lost the ability to develop

relationships

with people i knew the insides and the

outsides of prisoners

the manipulative prisoners the

vulnerable prisoners the most dangerous

and most fearful prisoners people i had

to live with day in day out

to survive during my time in prison but

i didn’t know how to interact with

normal people

i had to relearn those skills i had to

re-socialize myself back into society

and that was really difficult it still

is really difficult

when you spend the length of time that i

did confined in a square

space you don’t forget that i went on to

lead a very successful career

as a journalist and i used the

meticulous skills i learned when i was

in prison

fighting my wrongful convictions reading

every document and every line

using the paper and pen to help others

when i got out working on social justice

issues and criminal justice issues

highlighting other miscarriages of

justice

that became my weapon that’s what i use

to inform people about other people

suffering or situations that were

unfair so although i wouldn’t wish those

12 years on anybody

it’s what made me who i am today

it built the character in me to make me

the success that i am today

what does that mean that means i can

share the hope

that i cultivated during those years in

prison

and give it to other people during

lockdown

there are lots of people suffering far

more than other people

we can’t complain it could be worse we

can look out the window

we can see the green i couldn’t for 12

years all i could see was the sky

i couldn’t see the green the only thing

in front of me was a concrete wall

so when you’re suffering or feeling that

you’re suffering during this lockdown

period

reflect on what other people are going

through

you still can make decisions in prison

you can’t

you still have choices in prison you

don’t

you can go for a walk around the park in

prison you can’t

you might want to go to nightclubs you

might want to go to bars you might want

to go to see your family

across the country in prison you can’t

do any of those things

you don’t have a choice in fact you

can’t see beyond the wall

you can open your front door and walk

out for 12 years i couldn’t reach for a

handle

on a door and open a door myself and

walk out

i used to come up to a door and stand

there

and wait for a prison guard to open the

door

and let me through i was conditioned

so when i came out of prison i’d

forgotten how to

open a door that’s the psychological

traumas of prison

what happened to me happened to me more

than 20 years ago now

but i still live with the psychological

and physical

scars of my time in prison but i don’t

let it hold me down

in the same way i would suggest that you

today don’t allow

the past year or two years of lockdown

isolation lack of socialization

hold you back because there is a way

through it

we do get back to normal we do start to

do things that we weren’t able to do

previously because of our circumstances

and then it all becomes normal again i’m

a dad

i’m a husband

my life has changed my message to you is

your life will change

as you come out a lot down and it all

starts

with hope i hoped in all the years that

i was in prison

that my wrongful convictions would be

quashed

i’d be set free and i could go on to

live my life and i have

my convictions were crushed i did come

out and i have lived

a very happy life since

i can you will

you