Stopping the clock on fear

[Music]

in the amount of time i have

to give this talk today will be the

exact amount of time

i was given left to live what i’m

choosing to share today

may be triggering for some so i’m

wanting to let you know

to take care of your heart

story starts april 17

2004 it’s a day i will never forget

i went on a last-minute trip to cancun

mexico

i was 19 and fearless

i was so spontaneous i didn’t even think

to take travel insurance

when we got to mexico we put our bathing

suits on as fast as we could because it

was the most beautiful day

when we got down to the beach we started

drinking

and then we met these guys where we

decided to start doing shots

i got so caught up in the moment that i

decided

that it’d be a great idea to go on a jet

ski

as i’m in the water with this guy i just

met on the beach

the waves were coming and crashing on

this jet ski i decided i wanted

to drive it so i got on it

and i went as fast as the jet ski could

go

and all i remember is going through the

waves

and being pulled back

and praying that this was just a

nightmare

my brain was telling my legs to move but

my legs weren’t moving

i could hear people screaming

and when i opened my eyes i realized

that this was my reality

when i got pulled to shore i told them

to take me to a general hospital

when i got there i realized they didn’t

have the means to take care of me

fortunately

my friend found me at this hospital

and paid them under the table so that i

could be brought

to a private hospital where upon arrival

they did scans and had a doctor come up

to me

and he looked me in the eyes and he said

danielle

you are internally bleeding to death and

you have 15 minutes

left to live 15 minutes

fear enveloped my whole body fear of

death was definitely there

but something else was there this

calm and peace came over me

i could not predict or control that next

15 minutes

i had to have faith that if i was meant

to be here that i would survive this

and if it was my time to go then it was

my time to go

well i woke to the mexican doctor who

saved my life

i broke my pelvis in half i broke my

right hip

and i cracked my tailbone i had an

external fixator on which is

um pulls drilled through my hips and

across my pelvis

i was told i may never walk properly

again

let alone do any other form of exercise

so when i came back to canada shame

enveloped my whole being i wanted to

hide

i i was so ashamed

i didn’t want to be seen by anyone i

could not stop thinking how bad a person

i am

how i’m so stupid how dare i put my

friends and family through this

and i wished that maybe i shouldn’t have

survived

i realized that i needed to get help

so i went to a therapist where upon

talking about my experience i also

shared

that i was having reoccurring nightmares

of my accident and flashbacks

and i’d even wake up and sweat so i was

diagnosed with post-traumatic stress

disorder

so how would i be able to go from

surviving

to thriving because that’s not linear

there are moments in my life where i

feel like i am barely surviving

and there are moments in my life where i

feel i’m absolutely thriving

and our stories are constantly shifting

and constantly evolving

this glimmer of hope that came into my

story

was in a january day i saw an

article in the local newspaper and

learned to run

10 kilometers it’s from the vancouver

sun and i thought to myself

i’ve never ran 10 kilometers before i’ve

never even done a race

this sounds like a challenge people who

cared about me

told me not to do it they said danielle

you could break your bones again don’t

do this run but that pain

inside and that desire to connect back

to my body was so

much stronger so fast forward

to april 17th 2005.

i’m at the start of the vancouver sun

run

i can hear the band plane i see

signs i believe in you you can do this

and i look over and i see my dad and my

sister who have trained with me

i start crying and i can’t stop

crying i’m crying so much that this man

comes up to me

and he puts his hand on my shoulder and

he goes it’s okay sweetie

it is not that hard of a race you’re

gonna be okay

little did that man know that an exact

year ago to date

i was told i had 15 minutes left to live

each and every one of us has a story

we just might not know them

in this moment when i was at that start

line my story started to unfold

where i was feeling so empowered not

only to myself

and connected but to others

i was feeling so connected that i

started

hiking up summits in my hot dog costume

to training for a full marathon

little did i know that this

clock on fear

was going to start again

less than a year later i was told

you have cervical cancer and i thought

why me why is this happening to me

and when you hear cancer what really

went on for me is i couldn’t hear

anything

afterwards so what i had to do

i stepped back took in some deep breaths

for sure

and i looked around and i saw that i had

my phenomenal

friends and family for support i had

medical doctors right there in front of

me

and i was able to realize that i’m here

for a reason

because early detection saves lives

and now part of my growth and healing

journey

is going and giving talks with the bc

cancer foundation

and the canadian cancer society in hopes

that by sharing that one female will go

and get her physical

so this clock in life

keeps running and the fear

hit me the hardest when my dad

was diagnosed with stage four prostate

cancer

i was in complete denial i thought there

is no

way my dad is going to die

you see my dad my sister and i we called

ourselves the three musketeers

there was nothing we didn’t do together

we lived together

we worked together we even traveled

together

so when it came time to go into the

hospital we would

go to every single hospital visit

together and every single

chemotherapy session

my relationship with what i thought was

meant to be strong started to shift

i thought strong meant internalizing

everything

but then i came to realize that strong

meant being open and sharing what was

really going on for me

i used humor a lot to deflect how i was

really feeling on the inside

because on the inside i was feeling lost

and empty

so how was i able to go from surviving

to seeing love through the eyes of grief

because if it wasn’t for that

unconditional love that my dad

shared with us i wouldn’t know what that

deep grief

means grief never goes away

it just changes and shifts

and my relationship with my dad never

died

it’s just shifted and evolved movement

has played a huge role in my life

so much so that my sister and i decided

to join the ride to conquer cancer

we did it the year my dad was alive and

it’s a bike ride

from vancouver canada to seattle

washington

it’s 250 kilometers my dad was so

proud of us that he even had shirts and

a hat made

seen three musketeers and i remember

doing this ride

and thinking to myself working through

this grief that i’m feeling

and connecting with all these other

riders because each and every rider on

this ride has their own story

has their own experience with grief and

loss and together

we’re connected and the sense of

community was so

rewarding for me i’m choosing not to

push

parts of me in the shadow anymore in

fear of what other people might think

i’m choosing to share all of me in hopes

that all of me will be seen and hurt

i’m now 36 years old

and choosing to stop the clock on fear

and not be defined by it

when i was 19 fearless meant something

completely different

fearless meant being invincible and now

i’ve come to realize

the importance of not taking a day for

granted and appreciating the smaller

things in life

and the second time the clock on fear

came i

realized the importance of going

to the doctor versus not knowing

and the third time the clock hit me the

hardest

was when i realized that to be fearless

meant

going through your grief and feeling

what you need to feel

when it comes to grief my story has

evolved

and now i’m a registered clinical

counselor

i feel absolutely privileged to be

working with others who may be

experiencing

grief and loss trauma

they may be feeling shame or anxiety

or maybe other experiences i feel

that the work that i have done has can

only help me

lead me to where i am helping others on

a much deeper level

one of the approaches i use is called

narrative therapy

and why i’m so passionate about

narrative therapy

is because we believe that we have

multiple stories that there is not

one single story not one single problem

that defines who we are it’s stepping

back and seeing that you are so much

more than whatever’s visiting you

so the clock on life it’s running

it’s there each and every one of us has

a clock

it’s whether or not we let fear define

us

and i’ll leave you with this do you want

to let fear define you

or be a part of your story

[Applause]

[Music]