Why We Fear Public Speaking

[Music]

a year ago

i was asked to preach a sermon in my

beloved spiritual community

at my church the only thing is

i’m a comedian not a minister

my friend said oh taylor this will be a

breeze for you you’re a storyteller

you’re an improviser you’re kind of a

ham well let me tell you being a ham

doesn’t help you preach a sermon

and i was utterly and

uncharacteristically

nervous i love public speaking

i think about it i write about it i

teach it

i even think about it in my sleep but in

this case

my palms were sweaty my heart beat fast

and i feared i would forget everything i

had prepared

maybe you know what that feels like but

this was a great exercise and empathy

for me

in the work that i do because i coach a

lot of people who are terrified of

public speaking

and the vulnerabilities surrounding it

so in this case

i wasn’t telling a story i wasn’t doing

improv or trying to be a ham

i was preaching and the stakes felt high

and i felt vulnerable and i wanted to

crush it

as much as you can crush a sermon

but that was all it took for me to feel

all the nerves

i guess the good news is i’m not alone

the fear of public speaking ranks

amongst

the worst phobias for adults in fact

it ranks right up there with the fear of

death

kind of puts it in perspective doesn’t

it the comedian jerry seinfeld famously

said that means you’d rather be in the

coffin

than giving the eulogy makes the

prospects of becoming a more

confident public speaker feel pretty

grim in fact i’m willing to bet that

some of you out there are feeling

anxious with just me talking about

public speaking

but before you start to freak out let me

tell you why trying to understand this

fear

is so important and why we all have

hopes

of becoming more proficient confident

public speakers

i have a secret i’d like to share with

you

i think the reason why we are all so

terrified of public speaking

and why we think we’re all so horrific

at it is because we’re actually defining

public speaking

in the wrong way

maybe you think of it as talking to a

large group of strangers with a huge

powerpoint behind you

or making a pitch to a group of

colleagues or presenting something in

class

full of your peers or leading a virtual

meeting

and certainly all of those are examples

but i think we need to define it

much more broadly than that i think we

need to

think of public speaking as the way we

present

ourselves to the world

and if we look at it that way then we

can see that we’re engaging

in some form of public speaking pretty

much every day

think about introducing yourself for the

first time and making that

back and forth getting to know you

banter or making small talk at a party

going out for an interview or going on a

first date

all of these are examples of public

speaking if we can change our framework

to see that

and in all of these cases we’re not only

trying to

uphold our confidence and our knowledge

of whatever subject matter we’re talking

about

but we’re also trying to present our

most authentic

self at the same time

so yeah that can feel like a lot

in our shows and workshops we give out

surveys

to ask people whether they love public

speaking or whether they hate it

and then there’s a series of follow-up

questions that ask them any tips or

tricks they’ve received along the way

that help them with their

anxiety around public speaking

and what’s fascinating is whether

someone loves public speaking or they

hate it

their answers to the open-ended

questions are largely the same

everyone’s fear lies in the fear

of being judged there are nuances

and differences to those responses but

it’s pretty much true for everyone

judgment is just too painful to face

when you’re a human being trying to

present yourself to the world

it’s fraught with fear and insecurity

because it’s so

raw and real and vulnerable

and larger research studies show us the

same the ranking right up there

with the fear of public speaking and

death

are the fears of inadequacy failure

rejection and judgment

it’s hard to hear isn’t it and the

opposite of these fears and hurts

are the desire to feel known and seen

and heard and understood

isn’t that what we all want

as an important side note you should

know that in those surveys i mentioned

both lovers and haters of public

speaking agree that the worst

advice they’ve ever received around

public speaking is to picture your

audience

naked or in their underwear like i’m

doing to all of you right now

just kidding it turns out that doesn’t

work for people it’s never worked for me

either

let’s move on let’s talk about some

tangible

tips and tricks to become a more

proficient

confident public speaker or presenter of

yourself to the world

now it’s hard this isn’t going to happen

in one day

so be gentle with yourself let’s make it

less scary shall we

okay number one open up

your body breathe into it

93 of what we communicate to our

audience

is through our body language it lets

them know

that you’re okay but it also lets you

know

that you’re okay and you’re okay

open up breathe smile

blink unclench your fists

number two find your

yes person ah there is someone in every

audience who is

nodding and smiling and validating you

love that person as you look around

skating the room check in with them to

feel comfortable

and encouraged my mom always says that

public speaking

should feel like you’re talking to your

best friend

and that person in the back slumped down

with their arms crossed

and scrolling through their twitter feed

the whole time that’s not your person

don’t worry about that person and number

three

be yourself like seriously act like

yourself

if you have a great sense of humor use

it

if you like to think and speak in sports

analogies sprinkle a couple of those and

be yourself and let them enjoy you

they came to see you to hear you

and besides believe me when i say they

are

so glad it’s you up there doing the

public speaking

and not them and as you

improve remember to count all of your

successes

no matter how small they might seem you

make that pitch to all of your

colleagues

and you don’t break out in hives count

it you make small talk at the church

potluck

heck yes you did you make that class

presentation and you sweat through that

gray t-shirt but your voice didn’t crack

nailed it count each and every win

and as you do also remember that

failure is inevitable

normal and helpful because

failure is just as authentic as success

and as you go around presenting yourself

as a human being to the world

remember that it’s never you against

your audience

no one is supposed to win

in many ways public speaking is

an ongoing conversation where you become

more of

a part of your audience by speaking to

them and teaching them

and they become more a part of you by

listening and learning

and we all get stronger that way

what i want you to take away from all of

this is that public speaking

is not about perfection

it’s woven into our everyday experience

it’s about the way that we interact with

the people in the world around us

and how we want to present ourselves in

those interactions

and we can get better day by day by

taking our successes

and our failures and just making small

improvements

so let’s take public speaking

and see it as a representation of our

truest

most authentic selves and a celebration

of that in others

and the great news is no one has to

picture

anyone else in their underwear which is

a victory

in and of itself thank you