Ask Better Questions to Build Better Connections

[Applause]

as many parents of school-aged children

can probably relate to

i was once lost in the land of good with

my nine-year-old daughter

when she started elementary school i was

so excited for her

for us and she was embarking on this new

journey

and every day with that excitement in my

eyes i pick her up and i say so

how was your day today and without fail

she shrug her shoulders and say

good and then i’d say

okay what was good about it i don’t know

it was just good

naturally i wanted to know more i was so

curious about what was happening in her

little life

how was she liking her teacher and was

she getting along with her friends

and what was her favorite subject and

looking back on it now i don’t know how

i thought i was going to get all of that

by simply asking how was your day

but ultimately i was in search of an

opportunity to

connect with her an invitation of sorts

to join her

on this journey of big girl school as we

called it

that she was embarking on

but i wanted to do that in a way that

didn’t feel like a daily interrogation

so i sat with it for a while and then

one day it all just kind of changed

we are driving home and i say

tell me what was the best part of your

day today

she said oh my best part i said yeah

your best part like what made you smile

the hardest

today she stops and she thinks about it

and she says oh i know

the best part of my day was getting to

play handball after school with my

friends

really i said i didn’t know you knew how

to play handball she said oh yeah it’s a

fun game you throw this ball and you do

like this

now she’s giving me instructions from

the backseat on how to play handball not

knowing that her own mama

played handball tetherball and dodgeball

when i was a kid

and i share that with her and she’s so

surprised she can’t believe it

and we have a short but riveting

conversation on after school activities

and that kind of became a new thing

between us and it’s something that we

still do to this day and i ask her

what was the best part of your day today

and it has ranged from eating cinnamon

rolls in the cafeteria

to practicing violin to going to the

computer lab which she loves to do more

than anything

and just like that that invitation i had

been longing for into her life

i finally received all by asking a

better question

and it’s that interaction that i

consider to be the path to

connection real connection with real

human beings

through real conversation as a

communication expert and certified life

coach my life’s work is built around

this idea

that the quality of your life is

directly influenced by your ability to

communicate with confidence

and with clarity part of being a good

communicator

requires that you are an active listener

part of active listening requires that

you ask questions

but i want us to go deeper i want us to

ask

good questions the juicy kind that

can help us go deeper faster with the

people in our lives

in the 15th edition of their textbook

looking out looking in authors adler and

proctor state that

questioning helps us to do more than

just gather information

like data and facts and details it can

also

help us learn what people are thinking

how they’re feeling

and in some cases what they want and

that

i consider to be the secret sauce to

developing relationships that add value

to our lives and fulfill us

to be clear i define a better question

simply as one that demonstrates

genuine curiosity but without being too

intrusive and when we can strike that

balance

that’s when we can shatter the

perceptions that we have of other people

and that in some cases people might have

a bias

take my former student khalid for

example

i was an adjunct professor in

communication studies for about eight

years

and over the course of that time i

realized that a good number of my

students had never had a black teacher

before

in their lives ever let alone a black

female professor

in college so it wasn’t lost on me that

by me showing up in all of my glory

on the first day of class would impact

how some of them perceived me

and in some cases how they experienced

as was the case with khalid a young

black male

this night in class we are brainstorming

persuasive speech topic ideas

and it’s his turn to share with me what

he’s going to give his speech on

so he comes to my desk and he pops down

in the chair and i said so tell me what

are you thinking about

your topic for your persuasive speech

and he says

i think i’m gonna do my own recycling

and i said oh

okay um tell me more about that why

recycling

and he says because everybody should

recycle

and i said uh yeah you are right about

that

but tell me more is this something that

you’re really interested in

is are you really passionate about

recycling

and he says uh i mean not really i guess

so clearly he wasn’t sure what he wanted

to give

his speech on so we take a moment and i

noticed that he’s wearing a maroon

colored hoodie

with the letters tde printed on it in

white

and i recognize that to be the logo of

top dog entertainment

the record label that puller surprise

winning rapper kendrick lamar assigned

to and this sparks an idea in me

and so i asked him

do you think that you could write a

speech that argues that

tde is the most important label to west

coast rap since death row

and he looks at me and says i’m sorry

what

i began to repeat the question and he

said nah i heard you

but how you know that how do you know

what tde

is and i said well first of all it’s on

youtube

and second i listen to hip-hop i love

rap love kendrick you know

don’t kill my vibe he couldn’t believe

his whole accountants changes and he

smiles wide

and he says see miss amber that’s why i

like you because you like you oh and you

young at the same time

i never had a professor like you before

and i just smile and say thanks i think

but in that moment a perception was

shattered and a connection was made

we weren’t just teacher and student we

were two hip-hop fans and we talked

about everything from

snoop to tupac to kendrick and i’ll

never forget the look on khalid’s face

as he was walking back to his desk

brimming with new ideas on how he could

possibly construct that argument

because it was the face of someone who

had just felt seen

and that’s the benefit that comes from

asking better questions i could have

left it at recycling

but by taking it a step further we were

able to engage in a more thoughtful way

some of you might hear this and say okay

girl this just sounds like small talk

which i already don’t like doing now you

want me to do more of it

by asking people questions i don’t think

so and

that’s not exactly what i’m saying

asking better questions isn’t about

meaningless chatter it’s actually quite

the opposite

it’s about communicating with intention

with the people

around us we see this play out in our

romantic relationships for example

a 2013 study found that couples rate

communication

as the most important deciding factor to

relationship success

more than sex and passion

and to me when we can get good

at learning how to engage in a

thoughtful way around us

that’s when we can really see a change

happen

in our relationships

so think about that for a second and

let’s merge these two ideas

how would you feel if your partner

the one you have the one you want or the

one you

had on a regular basis looked you in the

eye

and said how can i show you that you’re

a priority

in my life or

how does this relationship contribute to

your happiness

wouldn’t you feel seen by that person

and appreciated and loved

don’t you feel that way now just by

hearing me say that out loud and we’re

not even in a relationship together

that’s the gift that we all have the

power to give the people

in our lives when we train ourselves to

be thoughtfully

curious to further demonstrate what i

mean let’s play a quick round of ask

this

not that say you’re at a networking

event

and you meet somebody new instead of

asking so what do you do

you can ask what about your work

inspires you

or say you’re on the phone with a friend

who’s going through a hard time

instead of how you hanging in there you

can ask

how can i support you in this moment i

see this in my line of work as a

consultant and trainer at the start of

every engagement i ask the client

what does success look like for you when

all of this is said and done

it gives them a chance to think about

their goals and articulate them to me

and then we can have a conversation

about how we can work together to meet

those goals and i feel like it’s a much