Three Questions Leading and Living Inclusively

we all want to feel like we’re connected

to something or someone it’s a part of

being human

it’s like this need to belong is woven

into our dna

it’s also human to embrace the familiar

and the routine and what’s comfortable

and it’s that embracing of the familiar

that can sometimes stand in the way

of us not only creating space or a sense

of belonging for ourselves

but also for others now this reminds me

of a story

that happened not long ago when my

family and i attended a culture festival

right here in my hometown of chattanooga

tennessee

this was a beautiful day there were

vendors there was food and there was

music

and my daughter was with me and there

are two things you need to know about my

daughter

first she loves music and second she

never meets a stranger

so when she saw this group of kids

dancing holding hands in a circle

i knew she knew that she had to be a

part of it so she ran

right over to extend her hand this

little black girl

looked up and she made eye contact with

this little white girl

and i would tell you as a father when

she

immediately didn’t take her hand my

reaction was

this little girl better grab my

daughter’s hand

but i would tell you i was filled with

anxiety but

a moment passed and she did grab my

daughter’s hand

they enjoyed each other and had a great

time together

i’ll tell you this when i look back at

this moment there are three observations

that come to mind and really they help

me define inclusion

but they also can help us better

understand our own inclusion journey

the first observation is this that at

one point in time we’re all like my

daughter

putting ourselves out there wanting to

be connected to something bigger

the second observation is like we’re

like this little girl

we use our power our position and our

privilege

to pull someone in and create a space

for belonging

but more likely than not or more often

than not you’re like me

i was an observer yes but i was still

filled with anxiety

from years and years of cultural and

social conditioning

deal with those emotions of when i was

turned away

thinking about when i was rejected

because of race

or discrimination or bias and all too

often

these emotions of rejection coupled with

this desire to be

comfortable to embrace to familiar can

stand in our way

of actually creating belonging and

authenticity for ourselves

so unfortunately the reality is we can’t

help it

it can be difficult at times because of

something called bias

this is as a result of that social and

cultural conditioning

now bias can show up in many different

ways it can show up when you’re making

hiring decisions and

you hire someone that looks and reminds

you of yourself that’s called similarity

bias

but you can also show up it can also

show up when you are talking to someone

these things are called micro messages

so when someone comes to me and say wade

you’re so articulate or i don’t see

color

or when women hear things like you

should smile more

or you’re too emotional

the unfortunate part is when it comes to

bias it can be both

intentional and unintentional and most

of our decisions

in fact studies show that 99 of our

decisions fall into the unconscious bias

category

so what can we do to prevent bias from

impacting our decisions

for me i’ll come up with three questions

that i’d like to share with you today

that’s been helpful for me

not only to disrupt my bias but to make

sure i’m making more impact

and not only how i lead but how i live

now this first question is whether i’m

actually leaning in

to better understand someone else’s

unique experience

now this question for me gets right to

the heart of disrupting bias because

it requires action and for me that

action means

things like taking training or attending

a workshop reading

a book or an article or just watching

the documentary

but what i found to be the most

impactful way to disrupt bias

and really lean in is by sitting down

and listening to individuals

their unique experience and perspective

because when i do that i’m doing exactly

what brian stevenson said

which is getting proximate now we

witnessed a great deal of this

during the summer of 2020 after the

murders of george floyd and ahmad aubry

and the many tragic incidents that took

place during this year

i saw a lot of my white co-workers and

friends lean

in a way to better understand the

experience of black americans

what i also saw was them wanted to be

more intentional about

how they could be better allies and

ultimately advocates

for the black community

for us i will tell you it’s important

that we understood

the dimension of diversity that black

americans face

but there are other dimensions of

diversity as well so we need to better

understand how

the challenges of the workplace are

impacting women

we have to better understand how bias

might show up

with members of the lgbtq community or

someone that is

over the age of 60 or veterans

what i challenge you to do is make sure

you’re lean again to understand

those different dimensions of diversity

and while engaging others

we know that bias can show up it also

can show up with how we make decisions

so the second question i have for you is

am i making room

for voices to be present other than my

own

now this question gets right to the fact

of how can i make

decisions that are rooted in fairness

and equity if i don’t have different

perspectives

of those i’m making decisions for in the

room

what we know is this is a part of how i

operate

but i have to be intentional about it

otherwise i’m going to fall into the

category of embracing

the familiar and the routine this

explains why companies and organizations

and communities

often times miss the mark because they

don’t have that diversity around the

table

and those making the decisions are just

a select

view now it’s important that we bring

voices around the table but it’s also

important

that we think about this third question

which is whether i’m creating space

for others to be their authentic selves

now when i ask this question i

immediately think of verna myers

verna is an inclusion strategist and she

made the famous statement

diversity is like being invited to the

party but inclusion is being asked to

dance

i would actually take it a step further

and say belonging

a culture of belonging is like being

able to dance with your own

unique style when i think about those

kids that day

i think about the fact they were dancing

all to the same music

all to the same beat but each of them

had their own

unique style they allowed each other to

have and experience

the authentic selves together now to

create this

kind of authentic environment for in our

own lives

it requires courage and vulnerability

because we have to be authentic

ourselves and as leaders we want to make

sure

that we’re putting ourselves out there

and understanding that we might not know

all the answers

that we don’t have to show a perfect but

we do need to show up

that at times we’re not going to know

the right thing to say

but we’re there to listen and to be

empathetic and to be vulnerable

and to be courageous now i will say this

for these three questions these are

questions that are helpful for me

in interrupting or disrupting my bias

you may have questions that work

for you and as you advance your

inclusion journey i’m sure you’ll think

of more

but what i’ll tell you is this

interrupting your bias

is hard work and on your inclusion

journey you might not get it right every

time

but that’s okay you have to make space

for your own grace

now when i think back to that day with

that festival

i think about the kids you know i think

about the fact that i

always try to be a good role model for

my daughter not perfect

but at least passing along lessons that

she can use for years

to come but on this day

at that festival you know i think that

she wasn’t really there to learn from me

not with my anxiety not with all the

conditioning that i was experiencing

maybe just maybe i was there to learn

from her

and from the other kids they were

putting themselves out there

creating a space of belonging not just

for themselves

but for each other my challenge for you

is to make sure you’re asking these

three questions about leaning in and

understanding someone else’s experience

giving voices to be heard and be present

in the room but also creating space for

people

to be their authentic selves but that

starts

by all of us putting ourselves out there

and extending our hands

will you join me thank you