The selfworth economy running a race you cant win.

[Music]

society today

has some interesting views about what

success is

and what it isn’t for instance

thinking that a stay-at-home dad is

somehow contributing less to society

than a ceo of a large organization

or that our paycheck is somehow an

indicator

of how successful we must be

i want to share with you a concept that

this type of narrow-minded

comparative thinking pushes us into a

race

that we can never win that this type of

thinking

destroys confidence and potential

i want to share with you what i learned

while i was on a race that i couldn’t

win

so what do i mean by the race the race

is what we enter

into when we’re pursuing things that we

believe

are going to make us look and feel more

important more valued

and successful and we all know we’re on

this race

because we’re constantly looking around

to see where we are

in comparison to others

i remember when i was about 12 years old

and i had this incredible desire

to own a pair of nikes and growing up in

a single parent household meant

shoes to my brothers and i were kmart

specials we get t’s for wearing them

but i wasn’t copping that so i made a

decision

i was going to buy my own nikes so i

started washing cars and mowing lawns in

my neighborhood and about

10 cars and lawns later i had my nikes i

can remember feeling sensational when i

got them

thinking this achievement stuff is

amazing

but it was the first genuine time in my

life that i can remember feeling success

but it was also linked to competing and

being that little bit better than

everyone else

little did i know the race for me had

begun

and it wasn’t long before the nikes

the shine on the nikes started to rub

off and i felt myself impulsively moving

to the next thing

and i remember about that age it was mba

basketball cards or a new stereo for my

room

whatever it was it was about looking and

feeling more

important and

i think it was at that time that i

started to

realize that i was in a race that i

couldn’t win in hindsight anyway

but a few decades passed and i started

to

put myself in the wrong race over and

over again

i was pursuing certain goals not because

they were meaningful to me but they were

meaningful to winning

so why is it that some of us get

confused with success by the acquisition

of things

it might be a pair of nikes could be a

promotion a new car whatever it is when

we get it we display it with pride and

everyone around us thinks we’ve won too

and just as we wet our lips with the

taste of victory

another desire pops up and we’re

captivated by the need to obtain more

and win it’s addictive

so how do we let go of keeping up with

others

and find success by simply being

ourselves

in his book a new earth eckhart tolle

sums it up

brilliantly he says that many people

don’t realize until they’re on their

deathbed

and everything external has fallen away

that no thing ever had anything to do

with who they are

in the last moments of their life when

they’re they also realize that while

they

were looking throughout their lives for

a more complete sense of self

what they were looking for their being

had actually always been there

but had largely been obscured by their

identification

with things

this year i turned 40 and i’m going to

be a dad for the first time

in january and i am super excited

and i’m not sure whether every first

time dad spends the entire pregnancy

reflecting on their childhood and their

life choices

that i have what type of dad will i be

will my son or daughter be proud of me

what lessons will i share

do i tell them about the time when i was

about seven years old

and i thought it was a fantastic idea to

run away from home

hide in my neighbor’s boat until well

after dark and the entire neighborhood

was looking for me

probably shouldn’t but hey what’s the

worst that could happen

but what race do i want my son or

daughter to be in

you see i was barely 28 years of age

when i was divorced

and burnt out in my career you see the

nikes were chapter one

but the chapters in between consisted of

an

endless desire to earn and acquire

i climbed the corporate ladder quickly

and pretty soon i’d achieved everything

on my list

and in my mind all of these things were

going to make me look and feel important

giving me a sense that i had won by

desiring the things that i

so-called wanted and went without

growing up

but the race you can’t win had worn me

out

and i suddenly realized i hadn’t

actually asked myself the question

what did i really want for myself and

why what was it that lit me up inside

that

brought me fulfillment and joy what race

did i want to be in regardless of the

outcome

and when everything fell apart i linked

it to not being good enough

not being deserving enough and i felt

like an imposter because

all of my self-worth was tied to the

things that

weren’t there anymore

and around about this time i was

diagnosed with clinical depression

and after a couple of months of coming

to terms with that

i reached out for professional help

and let me tell you that decision

changed the course of my life

i knew what i was going through i could

not navigate on my own

and at that point it was so difficult

to see how i could possibly find success

again

which for me included falling in love

and having a family

but i’m a slow learner and it wasn’t

long before i started repeating

the same old habits i was comparing

again

i was looking up the corporate ladder at

others especially those around my age

that appeared to be more successful than

me

i was frustrated why wasn’t i where they

were yet

which reinforced my depression my

negative self-talk which focused on

everything i didn’t have

and worthiness or building worthiness

doesn’t just happen

i gradually realize that it’s about

being true to yourself living your

values

and being accountable

and during this time there were a number

of books that

i read but one author in particular

resonated with me her name is brene

brown

and she’s a shame researcher

and she describes comparison

as one of shane’s sidekicks

and to keep comparison in check for her

what she does is

she constantly reminds herself to stay

in her own lane

that comparison kills creativity

and if what’s going on for us is a

comparison broken record in our mind

that we should remember to talk to

ourselves like someone we

genuinely love and we should

reach out to someone that has earned the

right to hear our story

and has the capacity to respond with

empathy

but as i said earlier old habits are

hard to break

and letting go of comparison isn’t just

a switch you can turn off

for some of us it takes constant focus

trust me i know

in another book of brene’s called the

gifts of imperfection

she describes creativity as an

expression of our originality

and a reminder that what we bring to the

world is completely original and can’t

be compared

so without comparison concepts like

ahead behind

best or worst lose their meaning

now let me be clear i’m not suggesting

for a moment that we should all just

stop trying

i’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t

look for opportunities to push ourselves

outside of our comfort zone

that’s where the learning is i’m

suggesting that

whatever we pursue we do it because it’s

meaningful to us

and regardless of the ups and downs when

things go wrong which they inevitably

will

it won’t derail us because our

self-worth doesn’t depend on it

we do it because it brings us joy and

fulfillment regardless of the outcome

success for me now is about mastering

lots of things before i die

i love solving problems which is why i

run my own leadership training business

today

we get to help businesses solve problems

every day it is amazing but there are a

few things

that i remind myself of when i’m going

after certain goals now

the first question is why am i going

after it

but more than that is it going to light

me up

bring me fulfillment and joy and

for whatever reason i can’t quite get

there this time around

yes i’ll be massively disappointed but

i’ll still be a whole person without it

and i would have learnt something along

the way which is going to get me there

closer next time

and the other really important part is

do my goals align to my values and above

all of my goals

are my values but they’re more than just

words

they’re what they generally mean to me

and what i’m going to do

every single day to make sure that i’m

living them

and these things have helped to keep me

in a race that i can win and not get

into my old habits

but i must admit i’m not the most

patient man in the world and my wife can

attest to that

and i’ve always

kept front of mind and recognize

incremental gradual improvements so that

i’m not getting too far ahead of myself

and keeping things into perspective

but one of the things that i’m most

proud of despite all of my struggles

i didn’t give up even in the darkest of

days when i had no clue on the answers i

found a way to kept going

so with my son or daughter

joining my wife and i in january

on top of instilling them with a never

give up attitude

what we’ll be encouraging them to pursue

will be that success

isn’t about career achievement or having

the most toys

it’s about being humble enough to learn

about yourself

brave enough to be true to it

i’m now in my own race and i’m

absolutely enjoying the ride

so ask yourself the question

what race are you in and why

thank you