The selfworth economy running a race you cant win.
[Music]
society today
has some interesting views about what
success is
and what it isn’t for instance
thinking that a stay-at-home dad is
somehow contributing less to society
than a ceo of a large organization
or that our paycheck is somehow an
indicator
of how successful we must be
i want to share with you a concept that
this type of narrow-minded
comparative thinking pushes us into a
race
that we can never win that this type of
thinking
destroys confidence and potential
i want to share with you what i learned
while i was on a race that i couldn’t
win
so what do i mean by the race the race
is what we enter
into when we’re pursuing things that we
believe
are going to make us look and feel more
important more valued
and successful and we all know we’re on
this race
because we’re constantly looking around
to see where we are
in comparison to others
i remember when i was about 12 years old
and i had this incredible desire
to own a pair of nikes and growing up in
a single parent household meant
shoes to my brothers and i were kmart
specials we get t’s for wearing them
but i wasn’t copping that so i made a
decision
i was going to buy my own nikes so i
started washing cars and mowing lawns in
my neighborhood and about
10 cars and lawns later i had my nikes i
can remember feeling sensational when i
got them
thinking this achievement stuff is
amazing
but it was the first genuine time in my
life that i can remember feeling success
but it was also linked to competing and
being that little bit better than
everyone else
little did i know the race for me had
begun
and it wasn’t long before the nikes
the shine on the nikes started to rub
off and i felt myself impulsively moving
to the next thing
and i remember about that age it was mba
basketball cards or a new stereo for my
room
whatever it was it was about looking and
feeling more
important and
i think it was at that time that i
started to
realize that i was in a race that i
couldn’t win in hindsight anyway
but a few decades passed and i started
to
put myself in the wrong race over and
over again
i was pursuing certain goals not because
they were meaningful to me but they were
meaningful to winning
so why is it that some of us get
confused with success by the acquisition
of things
it might be a pair of nikes could be a
promotion a new car whatever it is when
we get it we display it with pride and
everyone around us thinks we’ve won too
and just as we wet our lips with the
taste of victory
another desire pops up and we’re
captivated by the need to obtain more
and win it’s addictive
so how do we let go of keeping up with
others
and find success by simply being
ourselves
in his book a new earth eckhart tolle
sums it up
brilliantly he says that many people
don’t realize until they’re on their
deathbed
and everything external has fallen away
that no thing ever had anything to do
with who they are
in the last moments of their life when
they’re they also realize that while
they
were looking throughout their lives for
a more complete sense of self
what they were looking for their being
had actually always been there
but had largely been obscured by their
identification
with things
this year i turned 40 and i’m going to
be a dad for the first time
in january and i am super excited
and i’m not sure whether every first
time dad spends the entire pregnancy
reflecting on their childhood and their
life choices
that i have what type of dad will i be
will my son or daughter be proud of me
what lessons will i share
do i tell them about the time when i was
about seven years old
and i thought it was a fantastic idea to
run away from home
hide in my neighbor’s boat until well
after dark and the entire neighborhood
was looking for me
probably shouldn’t but hey what’s the
worst that could happen
but what race do i want my son or
daughter to be in
you see i was barely 28 years of age
when i was divorced
and burnt out in my career you see the
nikes were chapter one
but the chapters in between consisted of
an
endless desire to earn and acquire
i climbed the corporate ladder quickly
and pretty soon i’d achieved everything
on my list
and in my mind all of these things were
going to make me look and feel important
giving me a sense that i had won by
desiring the things that i
so-called wanted and went without
growing up
but the race you can’t win had worn me
out
and i suddenly realized i hadn’t
actually asked myself the question
what did i really want for myself and
why what was it that lit me up inside
that
brought me fulfillment and joy what race
did i want to be in regardless of the
outcome
and when everything fell apart i linked
it to not being good enough
not being deserving enough and i felt
like an imposter because
all of my self-worth was tied to the
things that
weren’t there anymore
and around about this time i was
diagnosed with clinical depression
and after a couple of months of coming
to terms with that
i reached out for professional help
and let me tell you that decision
changed the course of my life
i knew what i was going through i could
not navigate on my own
and at that point it was so difficult
to see how i could possibly find success
again
which for me included falling in love
and having a family
but i’m a slow learner and it wasn’t
long before i started repeating
the same old habits i was comparing
again
i was looking up the corporate ladder at
others especially those around my age
that appeared to be more successful than
me
i was frustrated why wasn’t i where they
were yet
which reinforced my depression my
negative self-talk which focused on
everything i didn’t have
and worthiness or building worthiness
doesn’t just happen
i gradually realize that it’s about
being true to yourself living your
values
and being accountable
and during this time there were a number
of books that
i read but one author in particular
resonated with me her name is brene
brown
and she’s a shame researcher
and she describes comparison
as one of shane’s sidekicks
and to keep comparison in check for her
what she does is
she constantly reminds herself to stay
in her own lane
that comparison kills creativity
and if what’s going on for us is a
comparison broken record in our mind
that we should remember to talk to
ourselves like someone we
genuinely love and we should
reach out to someone that has earned the
right to hear our story
and has the capacity to respond with
empathy
but as i said earlier old habits are
hard to break
and letting go of comparison isn’t just
a switch you can turn off
for some of us it takes constant focus
trust me i know
in another book of brene’s called the
gifts of imperfection
she describes creativity as an
expression of our originality
and a reminder that what we bring to the
world is completely original and can’t
be compared
so without comparison concepts like
ahead behind
best or worst lose their meaning
now let me be clear i’m not suggesting
for a moment that we should all just
stop trying
i’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t
look for opportunities to push ourselves
outside of our comfort zone
that’s where the learning is i’m
suggesting that
whatever we pursue we do it because it’s
meaningful to us
and regardless of the ups and downs when
things go wrong which they inevitably
will
it won’t derail us because our
self-worth doesn’t depend on it
we do it because it brings us joy and
fulfillment regardless of the outcome
success for me now is about mastering
lots of things before i die
i love solving problems which is why i
run my own leadership training business
today
we get to help businesses solve problems
every day it is amazing but there are a
few things
that i remind myself of when i’m going
after certain goals now
the first question is why am i going
after it
but more than that is it going to light
me up
bring me fulfillment and joy and
for whatever reason i can’t quite get
there this time around
yes i’ll be massively disappointed but
i’ll still be a whole person without it
and i would have learnt something along
the way which is going to get me there
closer next time
and the other really important part is
do my goals align to my values and above
all of my goals
are my values but they’re more than just
words
they’re what they generally mean to me
and what i’m going to do
every single day to make sure that i’m
living them
and these things have helped to keep me
in a race that i can win and not get
into my old habits
but i must admit i’m not the most
patient man in the world and my wife can
attest to that
and i’ve always
kept front of mind and recognize
incremental gradual improvements so that
i’m not getting too far ahead of myself
and keeping things into perspective
but one of the things that i’m most
proud of despite all of my struggles
i didn’t give up even in the darkest of
days when i had no clue on the answers i
found a way to kept going
so with my son or daughter
joining my wife and i in january
on top of instilling them with a never
give up attitude
what we’ll be encouraging them to pursue
will be that success
isn’t about career achievement or having
the most toys
it’s about being humble enough to learn
about yourself
brave enough to be true to it
i’m now in my own race and i’m
absolutely enjoying the ride
so ask yourself the question
what race are you in and why
thank you