Racism from the perspective of a nonthreatening black man

i was

nine years old the first time was called

the n-word by a white person and it

happened

during a kickball game of all places and

once i learned the word’s meaning

i didn’t come to the immediate

conclusion that people would hate me due

to something outside of my control

i figured it was my fault that i needed

to do a better job

in order to be accepted by white people

and with that in mind growing up i was

the preppy kid

i was so well spoken and articulate

i got good grades and i checked every

box

of being a non-threatening black kid and

yes there’s a checklist for that

but didn’t matter a good amount of

people still

hated me or judged me due to my skin

color and it was demoralizing

however in high school i had to talk

about it with one of my white friends

and he said

the way people feel about you has

everything to do with your personality

and not your skin color to me you’re

just dween

and then you hit me with this i don’t

think

racism is real

so as i maneuvered and grew up in my

predominantly white western

massachusetts town

i kept hearing what my friends said i

kept thinking to myself racism is not

real

racism is not real racism is not real so

when a white owner of a video game store

made me empty my pockets because i fit a

profile

i figured it was my fault for looking

like a criminal

when a white girl i really liked said

she really liked me

but said her parents would never allow

her to date someone like me

if it was my fault for not being nice

enough or smart enough in their eyes

in other words i had inge living inside

of me at all times and what is that

stands for i’m not good

enough and yes we’ve all dealt with

things before right

but the difference is is that when

everyone around you tells you that

you’re not good enough you may start to

believe it

i know it was the case for me and for

many people of color throughout america

because i stand here now i’m finally

awake

i know yes that every success for

failure is ultimately up to me

sure but i also know that racism is the

most persistent

and pervasive problem in american

history

i lost touch with that high school

friend but if i could see him now

i would tell him how racism has impacted

my life negatively

due to the expectations and fear that

come from it

and it starts with expectations

oh man when i was a new dad i went

to starbucks with my daughter and just

to get some money to caffeine right

every new dad can appreciate that

so a white woman older white woman

came up to me and she’s like hey like

wow your kid’s so cute and all that’s

like yeah yeah she is

and then she’s like you know it’s not

often that i see

black men out with their kids but it’s

such a wonderful thing to see

no matter what happens and she hit me

with this i hope you stay involved in

that little girl’s life

and man i wish i had a clap back for her

like i just froze and i was like

yeah sure thanks and then she laughed

with a smile so big as if she was a

superhero named captain caucasian

who just saved the world from a black

man becoming a deadbeat dad

yo the microaggressions they’re like

death from a thousand paper cuts and

it’s all because society doesn’t think

we’re good enough and i’ve heard them

all

it’s like hey duane you went to that

college wow that’s a really good school

so you obviously played a sport right

you don’t even act black dwing

i wish they could all be like you dwing

yes yes yes it’s i’ve heard them all

but it’s not just the microaggressions

it’s the expectations of black men

as criminals that’s also unnerving

and i have to chuckle at this too

because a dozen white dudes

could pass by a white mom with her kid

on the sidewalk but then as soon as i

walk by

she clutches that kid tighter than a

vice grip and

i think that’s hilarious because didn’t

captain caucasian

earlier imply that black men don’t like

taking care of their kids

but all of a sudden we’re gonna be

snatching up white babies on these

streets

like wait what that makes no sense but

nothing makes sense if you’re a black

man in america

nothing the expectation of black men as

criminals

is why i had to empty my pockets in that

video game store as a teenager

it’s how george floyd gets choked out

for eight minutes and 46 seconds

and some people say that he had it

coming to him it’s how jacob blake can

be shot in the back

seven times in front of his three young

children

and some people say it’s justified it’s

how some people

say that all black people yes all black

people are lawless

thugs because some a very

small percentage a minuscule percentage

of black people

choose to loot and vandalize businesses

due to generations

of begging pleading and asking

nicely to be treated with respect and

dignity

only to be ignored now to be clear

would i choose to loot and vandalize

businesses in order to be heard no

i wouldn’t and here’s the kicker y’all

neither would the

overwhelming majority of black people

here’s another thing do i understand why

some of us

would choose to go to those lengths to

be heard absolutely i do

that’s what’s like being black in

america we are judged as a whole

due to the criminal actions of a few

but sometimes the expectations aren’t

always low

there’s a concept called the plus

that explains this nicely think about

like this

we all no matter what your race is we

all have similar concerns right now

public health concerns environmental and

climate change control

concerns political concerns

but then there’s the things that are

independent

the people of color that impact us

in so many negative ways it’s all those

things that i mentioned

plus dealing with the fact

that trauma porn is being put on social

media of black bodies

being brutalized and murdered

plus ensuring that we don’t come off as

too angry

or too emotional when we’re dealing with

racial microaggressions at work

knowing that it could impact our careers

and speaking of our careers

plus if we have the audacity

to be leaders out here good ain’t good

enough y’all

greatness is the base loan

and perfection is the goal and if we

screw up if we

screw up just a little bit it’s the

burden of knowing that not only will

impact us it can impact

the people the young people who may fall

in our footsteps afterwards

it’s also the plus of trying to explain

why we belong in white spaces for

example

a lot of things that i do in life y’all

is this whole sole reason of making

white people feel comfortable

think about this here i am big black man

sometimes i’m singing disney frozen

songs when i’m walking down a sidewalk

or i’m in a dark parking garage with

white people just so they know that i’m

not a threat i’m like singing let it go

let it go and it’s like that’s crazy

but then it protects me because then

those white people are like okay

i don’t have to put out the pepper spray

oh i don’t have to call the cops you

must have kids

it’s soul destroying and it goes on

and on and on and trust me

when i say this the plus is slowly

killing the black people that you know

and love

in america it’s just too

much the game of life

is a difficult one to play if you’re

black and it’s almost an impossible

game to win

and then there’s fear because everything

we do in life

is governed by one or two emotions

there’s love and there’s fear

and yo big ups to those of you who wake

up in the morning

you have your decaf vanilla latte you’re

scribbling in your gratitude journal

you’re staring at your vision board

before you start your day yeah that’s

cute

i i i don’t do that i mean granted i

have the same 24 hours a day that you do

but a good portion of that day is spent

making sure that i come home to my

family in one piece

why because i am a six to 215 pound

black man

i am a high threat the moment i leave my

house and i need to be

cognizant of everything that i do

for example i’m like hey you know i want

to go shopping in that nice area of town

but before i do i need to put on my

non-threatening black man costume

to ensure that i get harassed less than

usual and if you’re wondering what that

costume is

i’m wearing it there’s also the time

when i’m thinking like hey that white

woman over there

she’s smoking a cigarette at a public

playground i’m pretty sure that’s

against the law

but instead of calling her out i’m just

gonna grab my kids and go because i

can’t risk her calling the cops on me

a few years ago in my predominantly

white neighborhood

there’s a black dude who was sexually

assaulting white women

and as soon as i saw the composite

sketch of this guy and i realized that

he looked a little too similar to me

i did not leave my house for four days

until he was apprehended because i knew

my life could be in danger if i did

but the fear doesn’t just reside in me

my kids feel it as well remember my

daughter who was in the stroller earlier

here she is now she’s nine now she came

to me the other day

sobbing in tears and said i don’t want

you to get

shot daddy because i am an anti-racism

facilitator for a living

so i did what any good dad would do in

that situation

i lied to her i told her that everything

would be okay

even though all evidence points towards

the opposite

think about that for a minute wrap your

head around this a

child is crying and fearing for her

dad’s life

because i want to teach americans how to

treat people of color

with compassion respect and dignity

how messed up is that

i would want my white friend to know

that fear is a default setting for me

i wake up in fear i go to sleep in fear

i walk my adorable puppy throughout my

neighborhood in fear

i drive my car in fear and i talk to

white people in fear and i hate it

but it’s my survival mechanism i often

wonder how much more i could do how much

more i could be

and how much more i could offer america

if i wasn’t scared

due to being a big black man in this

country i also wonder will i ever have

the opportunity to find out

man i hope so y’all cause i’m tired i am

so

damn tired

someone once asked me if america was a

body

like the human body would racism be an

organ or disease so in other words

would racism be something that’s

inherent in us innate in us

that we just have to live with or is it

something that’s slowly killing us that

we have to eradicate at all costs

by now you probably know the answer and

if my white friend was in front of me

i’d just say here hey man

so you just heard me speak what do you

think about racism now

and if he’s like hey man you’re just

another whiner

waving around the race car trying to get

sympathy from the white man

okay cool would you be surprised to know

that i almost took my own life three

years ago

due to racism fear and expectations that

come from it

were almost too much to bear because i’m

an empath i’m someone who feels every

emotion deeply

and being hated due to something outside

of my control

was almost something that cost me my

life and i promise you

that there are countless people of color

who feel the same way

now that i felt three years ago and this

is not a game y’all this is not a game

this is seriously

life and death and we’re not asking for

much we’re just

asking for equality so when we ask for

equality

it should simply be met with yeah yeah

it’s a good idea

let’s do that but instead we hear

countless reasons why it will never

happen and that is soul

destroy or on a positive note or

he may be like yeah yeah you know what

man i think racism is a problem well

duh but i’m not here to shame you dog

welcome to the party get your boots on

let’s go to work

i also tell them this is that being

quietly

non-racist is not helpful being

anti-racist

is often confrontational and

uncomfortable

because this whole thing is binary

either you’re anti-racist

or you’re racist there’s no fence

sitting there’s no fence sitting it’s

one or the other

so i could see him he’s like okay well

well do we what do i do brah

what what do i do man i want to help

bruh so

first off why are you coming to me at

the end of my talk

asking me this this is a time thing i

only have a few minutes left

i have to there’s a million things i can

tell you but i’ll give you a few in the

time i’ve left cool

cool all right first thing’s this i

would suggest

that you tell your white family members

that that behavior is not welcome in

your home

i’d also tell you or suggest to you

that you called out the people who are

being racist

on social media and say that their jokes

aren’t funny

i’d also suggest that you stand up for

your black colleagues who are subjected

to racial microaggressions in the office

i would also suggest that you proudly

state that black lives matter

is not a political statement it’s a

human

rights statement and most importantly my

most important suggestion my dear friend

is this i hope you raise

your white kids to fight against racism

at all costs

because i want them to grow up viewing

anti-racism as the norm

and not the exception because somewhere

in america there’s a black kid

being called the n-word and may not

think that he belongs in america and may

take his own life because of it

somewhere there are black kids fearing

for their dad’s life just like my kids

did

it’s just too much y’all they deserve

better we all deserve better

but we have to work together to end this

nightmare

because one thing my friend said that

still resonates

the way people feel about you has

everything to do with your personality

and not your skin color we’re not there

yet but if we ever get there

we would have truly succeeded in

creating an anti-racist world

thank you

you