Racism from the perspective of a nonthreatening black man
i was
nine years old the first time was called
the n-word by a white person and it
happened
during a kickball game of all places and
once i learned the word’s meaning
i didn’t come to the immediate
conclusion that people would hate me due
to something outside of my control
i figured it was my fault that i needed
to do a better job
in order to be accepted by white people
and with that in mind growing up i was
the preppy kid
i was so well spoken and articulate
i got good grades and i checked every
box
of being a non-threatening black kid and
yes there’s a checklist for that
but didn’t matter a good amount of
people still
hated me or judged me due to my skin
color and it was demoralizing
however in high school i had to talk
about it with one of my white friends
and he said
the way people feel about you has
everything to do with your personality
and not your skin color to me you’re
just dween
and then you hit me with this i don’t
think
racism is real
so as i maneuvered and grew up in my
predominantly white western
massachusetts town
i kept hearing what my friends said i
kept thinking to myself racism is not
real
racism is not real racism is not real so
when a white owner of a video game store
made me empty my pockets because i fit a
profile
i figured it was my fault for looking
like a criminal
when a white girl i really liked said
she really liked me
but said her parents would never allow
her to date someone like me
if it was my fault for not being nice
enough or smart enough in their eyes
in other words i had inge living inside
of me at all times and what is that
stands for i’m not good
enough and yes we’ve all dealt with
things before right
but the difference is is that when
everyone around you tells you that
you’re not good enough you may start to
believe it
i know it was the case for me and for
many people of color throughout america
because i stand here now i’m finally
awake
i know yes that every success for
failure is ultimately up to me
sure but i also know that racism is the
most persistent
and pervasive problem in american
history
i lost touch with that high school
friend but if i could see him now
i would tell him how racism has impacted
my life negatively
due to the expectations and fear that
come from it
and it starts with expectations
oh man when i was a new dad i went
to starbucks with my daughter and just
to get some money to caffeine right
every new dad can appreciate that
so a white woman older white woman
came up to me and she’s like hey like
wow your kid’s so cute and all that’s
like yeah yeah she is
and then she’s like you know it’s not
often that i see
black men out with their kids but it’s
such a wonderful thing to see
no matter what happens and she hit me
with this i hope you stay involved in
that little girl’s life
and man i wish i had a clap back for her
like i just froze and i was like
yeah sure thanks and then she laughed
with a smile so big as if she was a
superhero named captain caucasian
who just saved the world from a black
man becoming a deadbeat dad
yo the microaggressions they’re like
death from a thousand paper cuts and
it’s all because society doesn’t think
we’re good enough and i’ve heard them
all
it’s like hey duane you went to that
college wow that’s a really good school
so you obviously played a sport right
you don’t even act black dwing
i wish they could all be like you dwing
yes yes yes it’s i’ve heard them all
but it’s not just the microaggressions
it’s the expectations of black men
as criminals that’s also unnerving
and i have to chuckle at this too
because a dozen white dudes
could pass by a white mom with her kid
on the sidewalk but then as soon as i
walk by
she clutches that kid tighter than a
vice grip and
i think that’s hilarious because didn’t
captain caucasian
earlier imply that black men don’t like
taking care of their kids
but all of a sudden we’re gonna be
snatching up white babies on these
streets
like wait what that makes no sense but
nothing makes sense if you’re a black
man in america
nothing the expectation of black men as
criminals
is why i had to empty my pockets in that
video game store as a teenager
it’s how george floyd gets choked out
for eight minutes and 46 seconds
and some people say that he had it
coming to him it’s how jacob blake can
be shot in the back
seven times in front of his three young
children
and some people say it’s justified it’s
how some people
say that all black people yes all black
people are lawless
thugs because some a very
small percentage a minuscule percentage
of black people
choose to loot and vandalize businesses
due to generations
of begging pleading and asking
nicely to be treated with respect and
dignity
only to be ignored now to be clear
would i choose to loot and vandalize
businesses in order to be heard no
i wouldn’t and here’s the kicker y’all
neither would the
overwhelming majority of black people
here’s another thing do i understand why
some of us
would choose to go to those lengths to
be heard absolutely i do
that’s what’s like being black in
america we are judged as a whole
due to the criminal actions of a few
but sometimes the expectations aren’t
always low
there’s a concept called the plus
that explains this nicely think about
like this
we all no matter what your race is we
all have similar concerns right now
public health concerns environmental and
climate change control
concerns political concerns
but then there’s the things that are
independent
the people of color that impact us
in so many negative ways it’s all those
things that i mentioned
plus dealing with the fact
that trauma porn is being put on social
media of black bodies
being brutalized and murdered
plus ensuring that we don’t come off as
too angry
or too emotional when we’re dealing with
racial microaggressions at work
knowing that it could impact our careers
and speaking of our careers
plus if we have the audacity
to be leaders out here good ain’t good
enough y’all
greatness is the base loan
and perfection is the goal and if we
screw up if we
screw up just a little bit it’s the
burden of knowing that not only will
impact us it can impact
the people the young people who may fall
in our footsteps afterwards
it’s also the plus of trying to explain
why we belong in white spaces for
example
a lot of things that i do in life y’all
is this whole sole reason of making
white people feel comfortable
think about this here i am big black man
sometimes i’m singing disney frozen
songs when i’m walking down a sidewalk
or i’m in a dark parking garage with
white people just so they know that i’m
not a threat i’m like singing let it go
let it go and it’s like that’s crazy
but then it protects me because then
those white people are like okay
i don’t have to put out the pepper spray
oh i don’t have to call the cops you
must have kids
it’s soul destroying and it goes on
and on and on and trust me
when i say this the plus is slowly
killing the black people that you know
and love
in america it’s just too
much the game of life
is a difficult one to play if you’re
black and it’s almost an impossible
game to win
and then there’s fear because everything
we do in life
is governed by one or two emotions
there’s love and there’s fear
and yo big ups to those of you who wake
up in the morning
you have your decaf vanilla latte you’re
scribbling in your gratitude journal
you’re staring at your vision board
before you start your day yeah that’s
cute
i i i don’t do that i mean granted i
have the same 24 hours a day that you do
but a good portion of that day is spent
making sure that i come home to my
family in one piece
why because i am a six to 215 pound
black man
i am a high threat the moment i leave my
house and i need to be
cognizant of everything that i do
for example i’m like hey you know i want
to go shopping in that nice area of town
but before i do i need to put on my
non-threatening black man costume
to ensure that i get harassed less than
usual and if you’re wondering what that
costume is
i’m wearing it there’s also the time
when i’m thinking like hey that white
woman over there
she’s smoking a cigarette at a public
playground i’m pretty sure that’s
against the law
but instead of calling her out i’m just
gonna grab my kids and go because i
can’t risk her calling the cops on me
a few years ago in my predominantly
white neighborhood
there’s a black dude who was sexually
assaulting white women
and as soon as i saw the composite
sketch of this guy and i realized that
he looked a little too similar to me
i did not leave my house for four days
until he was apprehended because i knew
my life could be in danger if i did
but the fear doesn’t just reside in me
my kids feel it as well remember my
daughter who was in the stroller earlier
here she is now she’s nine now she came
to me the other day
sobbing in tears and said i don’t want
you to get
shot daddy because i am an anti-racism
facilitator for a living
so i did what any good dad would do in
that situation
i lied to her i told her that everything
would be okay
even though all evidence points towards
the opposite
think about that for a minute wrap your
head around this a
child is crying and fearing for her
dad’s life
because i want to teach americans how to
treat people of color
with compassion respect and dignity
how messed up is that
i would want my white friend to know
that fear is a default setting for me
i wake up in fear i go to sleep in fear
i walk my adorable puppy throughout my
neighborhood in fear
i drive my car in fear and i talk to
white people in fear and i hate it
but it’s my survival mechanism i often
wonder how much more i could do how much
more i could be
and how much more i could offer america
if i wasn’t scared
due to being a big black man in this
country i also wonder will i ever have
the opportunity to find out
man i hope so y’all cause i’m tired i am
so
damn tired
someone once asked me if america was a
body
like the human body would racism be an
organ or disease so in other words
would racism be something that’s
inherent in us innate in us
that we just have to live with or is it
something that’s slowly killing us that
we have to eradicate at all costs
by now you probably know the answer and
if my white friend was in front of me
i’d just say here hey man
so you just heard me speak what do you
think about racism now
and if he’s like hey man you’re just
another whiner
waving around the race car trying to get
sympathy from the white man
okay cool would you be surprised to know
that i almost took my own life three
years ago
due to racism fear and expectations that
come from it
were almost too much to bear because i’m
an empath i’m someone who feels every
emotion deeply
and being hated due to something outside
of my control
was almost something that cost me my
life and i promise you
that there are countless people of color
who feel the same way
now that i felt three years ago and this
is not a game y’all this is not a game
this is seriously
life and death and we’re not asking for
much we’re just
asking for equality so when we ask for
equality
it should simply be met with yeah yeah
it’s a good idea
let’s do that but instead we hear
countless reasons why it will never
happen and that is soul
destroy or on a positive note or
he may be like yeah yeah you know what
man i think racism is a problem well
duh but i’m not here to shame you dog
welcome to the party get your boots on
let’s go to work
i also tell them this is that being
quietly
non-racist is not helpful being
anti-racist
is often confrontational and
uncomfortable
because this whole thing is binary
either you’re anti-racist
or you’re racist there’s no fence
sitting there’s no fence sitting it’s
one or the other
so i could see him he’s like okay well
well do we what do i do brah
what what do i do man i want to help
bruh so
first off why are you coming to me at
the end of my talk
asking me this this is a time thing i
only have a few minutes left
i have to there’s a million things i can
tell you but i’ll give you a few in the
time i’ve left cool
cool all right first thing’s this i
would suggest
that you tell your white family members
that that behavior is not welcome in
your home
i’d also tell you or suggest to you
that you called out the people who are
being racist
on social media and say that their jokes
aren’t funny
i’d also suggest that you stand up for
your black colleagues who are subjected
to racial microaggressions in the office
i would also suggest that you proudly
state that black lives matter
is not a political statement it’s a
human
rights statement and most importantly my
most important suggestion my dear friend
is this i hope you raise
your white kids to fight against racism
at all costs
because i want them to grow up viewing
anti-racism as the norm
and not the exception because somewhere
in america there’s a black kid
being called the n-word and may not
think that he belongs in america and may
take his own life because of it
somewhere there are black kids fearing
for their dad’s life just like my kids
did
it’s just too much y’all they deserve
better we all deserve better
but we have to work together to end this
nightmare
because one thing my friend said that
still resonates
the way people feel about you has
everything to do with your personality
and not your skin color we’re not there
yet but if we ever get there
we would have truly succeeded in
creating an anti-racist world
thank you
you