How Strangers Changed My Life

for two weeks

back in summer 2016 i spent most

evenings sitting at king’s cross station

in london watching people and feeling

very

invisible i would ask the staff at

burger king to warm up my baby’s bottle

sometimes they would but often they

couldn’t because of health and safety

we would wait there as we had nowhere

else to sleep

each evening i’ll be hoping and praying

that a friend would let me stay with

them

or that they would transfer me some

money so that i’ll be able to afford a

train ticket to get there

i was a 26 year old single mother who

had just left an emotionally abusive

relationship

leaving was the scariest thing i’ve ever

done

but i knew i had to do it for the sake

of my baby

and my own well-being there was no

well-thought-out plan

or savings that i could have dipped into

i just couldn’t take it anymore

it was like the scales have fallen from

my eyes and i had to set myself free

after months and years of being

manipulated and controlled by a man that

i’d loved

i finally found the strength to leave

but at what cost

the morning i left i threw as many of my

belongings as i could into a couple of

big bags and left with my daughter

but little did i know at the time this

decision would make me

homeless sadly this is the reality of

many women who leave

abusive relationships i’ll start by

saying

that never in a million years did i

think this would happen to me

at the time i was working as an estate

agent making very good money

i could afford expensive handbags and i

lived a very in a very comfortable flat

i’ve always been a hard worker and i’d

taken care of myself from a very young

age

as my mom worked full time and my dad

wasn’t in the picture

i was born to be a fighter but i spent

the past four years building my life

around a man

who had taken the fight completely out

of me

one of my first priorities after i left

was to find a new place for me and my

daughter

but when i spoke to the estate agents

they said they couldn’t help me

having worked as an estate agent myself

i’d seen the discrimination that single

mums faced when it came to renting

properties

i was spent hours lobbying landlords to

rent properties to single mums

often to no avail and now i was having

to experience discrimination

first hand to make matters worse

my partner had put almost everything in

his name

including the tennessee agreements

utility bills and council tax statements

i had no proof of previous addresses or

landlord references

i might as well have just been blank on

the system

my credit score was also quickly going

down we had taken out a card together on

finance

but that was the one things that he put

in my name

after we broke up he sold the car kept

the money

and left me with additional debt

after i’d left he was still controlling

me

i had taken one step forward only to go

two steps back

of course i saw it as my fault

i told myself that i should have made

sure that i had saved enough

maybe i should have had a plan at least

a guaranteed roof over me and my

daughter’s head

i didn’t know what my rights were i

never saw myself as a charity case

but still i thought i could sort this

out myself

but the truth is i was utterly alone

i had very few friends and i was

alienated from my family

during our relationship my partner had

drawn me further and further away from

my support network

so i had no choice but to depend on him

one day before my daughter was born

i told him i was leaving him i had

enough

i made plans to go to a hotel but by the

time i got to the bus stop

and i tried to top up my oyster card he

had

already taken all the money out of my

bank account

i was financially and socially dependent

on him

he was my only friend in the world he

was chipping away at my sense of self

i was in my 20s i should have been

having the time of my life socializing

and learning about me

but i was incredibly lonely at this

point during our relationship i told him

i just wanted to sign up to a website

just to make a few new friends

he told me i couldn’t i mean why would i

need to anyone else i have him

i mean wasn’t he enough i never thought

this would be my story

or how things would end up

over the past few years people have told

me it was my choice to become homeless

that i should never have had a child if

i couldn’t have taken care of her

or i didn’t have enough savings to be

able to build a new life

but the reality is life doesn’t always

end up the way you planned it

i wanted nothing more to be a strong

independent woman

and a good role model for my daughter

isn’t that what we as women are

encouraged to be

strong independent there’s no shortage

of stories empowering women

to be strong and independent but how can

this work when we live in a society that

often

penalizes women for being exactly that

way

according to the homeless charities sent

mongoose a third

of their female clients said that

domestic abuse had contributed to their

homelessness

it’s clear to me that there needs to be

more support for women leaving abusive

relationships

women are becoming homeless because of

it

and it’s even harder for single moms who

have another mouth to feed

unfortunately it’s often a vicious cycle

passed down from generation to

generation

i come from a family where at a very

young age i witnessed my mum experience

emotional and physical abuse

at the hands of my father i later

learned that my cousin too

was going through the same abusive cycle

as me although we never knew it at the

time

for my mum it was like history repeating

itself

i want to break that cycle so that my

daughter will never have to go through

what my mom

and i went through but right now women

are trapped in abusive relationships

and have no incentive to leave if they

can’t see

a bright future and a fresh start ahead

of them

it’s like forcing someone to choose

between the lesser of two evils

we need more support for single mums and

domestic abuse victims to stop

the cycle of becoming homeless figures

released last year by housing charity

shelters suggested the number of

homeless single moms has gone up

by 48 over the previous eight years

the blame culture on single mothers

needs to stop

for me personally it’s upsetting to

think that people would think that

someone would intentionally

make themselves homeless because maybe

their home that they’re lazy

or maybe they need uh they want to take

advantage of the system

that’s simply not the case the process

of proving

i was homeless was long and draining

it was like being interrogated about my

life 24 7 as if i was a criminal

and i needed to be punished for

something i felt like a bright light was

being shined on me in an interview room

with someone ready to pounce and poke

holes in my story

what’s more in order to get a roof over

my head i was told i had to leave

my job and apply for income support

i remember calling up my employer and

telling them i had to quit

i was overcome with shame

so i found myself with my daughter in

this tiny little hostel

room unemployed on income support and

paying

200 pounds a month to live there which

was coming out of taxpayers monies

it just didn’t make any sense to me how

is this a long-term solution

why wasn’t i being incentivized to work

would i ever be in work again there were

times during this period when i would go

without food just so that my daughter

could eat

i will even try and see if i can allow a

bag of peas

to last for one month i used to turn off

the lights

just so that we will have the tv on just

to save on bills

i felt like nobody was willing to help

me

i was just another statistic

another reckless mum unable to fend for

herself

and her child another burden

on the taxpayer i had lost my

sparkle but i was willing to get

anything

to get it back the first step was

recognizing that i was suffering from

depression

i have been suppressing it for so long

for a long time i’ve had my head in the

water swimming blindly i felt like

no one was willing to help me

counselling definitely helped me see

things in a new light

but what really changed is when i met

people that were willing to listen

after spending seven months in a hostel

i was approached by saint mongo’s a

homeless charity

they supported me into a flat and i was

finally given the chance that i needed

to rebuild my life

at this point they referred me over to

beam who said that they’ll be able to

raise money to go on a course and get

into work

i had always dreamed of becoming a

dental nurse

and i was able to raise nearly 4 000

pounds from 600 strangers

i started to receive heartwarming

messages from people that i’ve never met

for the first time in a long time i felt

like i was finally being treated like a

human being

one of them was a young girl who asked

for her sixth birthday

to make a 25 pound donation to my

campaign instead of getting a birthday

present

the outpouring of love was overwhelming

people were calling me brave courageous

they told me

that i was a good mum a positive role

model to my daughter

it was like being given the world’s

biggest hug

so let’s fast forward one year and i’m

now 30 years old

in a job that i love which is a pa

within a dental practice

my story changed when people started

listening to me

when they believed in me when they

empowered me to be my best self

i never wanted a handout i didn’t want

to be a charity case

i just wanted to be free i sacrificed a

lot

to get here but guess what i wouldn’t

change a thing

now i’m not here today to ask for your

sympathy

i’m fortunate to be in the position that

i’m in today

but the sad reality is many women are

still

trapped i’m here today because something

needs to change we need to end this

cycle where women are being punished for

being brave

words by default victims of domestic

abuse victims are becoming homeless

where they’re not being empowered to

turn their lives around

where in some instances they’ve even

been treated like criminals

i was grateful to have been able to find

an organization that sent mongoz and

beam

who are committed to finding roots out

of homelessness

but the reality is i should never have

become homeless in the first place

and neither should anyone else

we need to act quickly cause of domestic

abuse

abuse hotlines has only shot up during

the night covered 19 pandemic

there’s a risk that even more women will

become homeless in the months to come

if something doesn’t change covert 19

has shown

us the importance of rallying around

some of the most vulnerable people in

society

so let’s do it starting from today

there’s so many people out there that

are willing to help there’s just not

enough infrastructure to allow for it

what have you created a body system

where victims who have escaped domestic

abuse are paired up with another woman

who can help them navigate through their

new life

someone that that can provide advice on

their finances

job housing or attend counselling

appointments with them

someone to check on them regularly in

person or via video call

who treats them like a real person that

has their back

it’s often the little things like this

that make all the difference

for example i went nearly one year

without knowing i was entitled to 25

off my council tax all i needed was

someone to point me in the right

direction

the job of the body isn’t to be an

expert rather is to be a friendly face

during what’s in an incredibly isolating

period

a training scheme would equip the body

with valuable information and resources

which could also be available via a

dedicated app

modern technology has been a blessing

and a curse

it can provide abusers with even more

ways to threaten and control their

victims

but i also believe it can help empower

victims too by connecting them with

people in their community

to help build them up if a body system

had been in place

after i left my partner i definitely

would have been back on my feet faster

it wasn’t until my situation left me

homeless

and i had hit rock bottom that i had

finally received the support that i

needed

so let’s do something about it last year

an estimated 1.6 million women in the uk

experience domestic abuse according to

the crime survey for

england and wales so that’s at least 1.6

million buddies needed to pair up with

women suffering the consequences of

domestic abuse

but i know we can do it

10 million brits across the uk are

volunteering in their communities today

during the covert 19 crisis according to

the cebr

if you’re going to solve this crisis we

need to call on the power

and the compassion of the crowd so that

victims of domestic abuse like me

are listened to and not forgotten about

we will be empowered and not enslaved

thank you