Love Alone isnt Enough 5 Lessons on Intercultural Dating

[Applause]

let me take you back to the year of

that’s the time where i started

university

and on my first day to school my caring

loving father

decided to drive me very unlikely of him

but judging from the distance from home

to school

and the traffic and his character i knew

he’s

up for something there’s a certain

message he wants to send

there he was hands on the steering

wheels i

straight to the road and then he turned

to me

razia this is going to be an exciting

day for you

you’re going to be meeting a lot of

people a lot of friends

men women boys girls and a lot of

activities

have as much fun as possible

but i want you to remember several

important messages

two of them and keep that in mind okay

and he said first no monkey business

okay what i mean is that

i don’t want you to have anything to do

with boys

or men no going out for coffee

no movies no holding hands no

relationship no kissing

no nothing with boys second

don’t worry getting into a relationship

and finding a boyfriend

i will find one for you i will find you

a husband

in fact i will find you a nice indian

man

as a husband man i was only 18 year old

going to the school for the first time

and this is the conversation i had in

the car

for other kids they’re going to be

excited

but for me i remembered zero about the

faces

i came across my first day i don’t

remember the classes i took

i don’t remember the friends i made on

that day what i remember

is that conversation why

because i was feeling so emotional i was

so upset

with that and before i tell you why

i was so emotional let me share a couple

backgrounds about me

i’m from indonesia i grew up there i was

raised there

but my father is indian he was raised in

the most

indian way by his parents my mother is

indonesian

she was raised in the most indonesian

way

by her parents with that kind of

background

for my father to turn around to me and

said uh-uh

you’re not gonna marry any other person

rather than an indian

so i felt betrayed i was upset

to me it translated as my father

was trying to deny his relationship his

marriage with my mom

it’s almost like saying no it doesn’t

work

so i felt unhappy

with that conversation but i didn’t tell

that to my father

we didn’t have a conversation about how

i felt

simply because in our household in our

family we’re used

to see parents when they say something

important

and that upsets us we take a few steps

back we don’t question

and we figure out in our own time why he

said what he said

it took me years because of that

conversation

i paid special attention on how my

parents interacted at home

how they talk to each other how they

talk about each other

and not until many years later i

realized

that the conversation happened in the

car on that day

was not because my father hated my

mother

it was not because he was trying to

cancel the fact that he was married to

someone who’s indonesian

it was actually a fatherly love

for him to marry someone from indonesia

coming from an indian background the

cultural difference

was so tough for both of them

they suffered a lot throughout the way

so in my father’s view in my father’s

view

to tell me don’t worry about finding a

man i’ll find out for you

i’ll find you an indian man the reason

is because

in his mind if i’m with someone who’s

just like him

it’s very similar i don’t have to go

through the same challenges

he loved me that much

and as much as i loved my father he was

wrong about one thing

to me to be half indian and half

indonesian

it makes me very unique i’m a mixed kid

i’m neither indonesian or indian

so whomever i decided to date whomever i

decided to marry

it’s gonna be a cultural clash

nevertheless

it’s going to be difficult anyway

but since then i got interested in how

people interacted particularly when

they’re

in commitment loving romantic commitment

with someone a different culture

i live in the states now i’m in south

korea

multiple times when i hurt friends see

friends share with friends

i realize that when you’re in

a loving relationship with someone of a

completely different background from you

you can’t just dive into loving each

other you can’t just dive into

supporting each other it doesn’t work

that way

you have to rewire everything that you

have in mind about relationship to begin

with

it’s almost like hiking

we’re all in korea at some point we

tried hiking right

before you hike what do you do you check

the terrain you

check the hills you check the mountains

you want to see

how difficult it is for you how

challenging it is for you right

similarly with inter-cultural

relationship

you have to see ahead

and there are a few things that you can

see ahead there are a few clues

check out south korea for example in

middle school in high school

boys and girls are separated when it

comes to activity

they share the same school but they

don’t necessarily interact with each

other all the time

in the defense is that so they can focus

on study

they can focus on study they’re not

distracted with

puppy love crush and whatnot

although it’s okay but you can imagine

that they don’t experience all these

things

until much later maybe in the early 20s

when they’re in the university

they finally get to have a boyfriend or

girlfriend

as a result if you are in a relationship

for the first time

what is your priority to be acknowledged

validation to be with each other

so that’s why in korea you see a lot of

people when they’re dating they’re

wearing matching shirts right

you see all the pictures in social media

together

in the photo studio or they’re always

like in texting and phoning each other

validation that they are with each other

is very important

now imagine that you are dating someone

from that particular background

while you are the person who were so

used in

you know in relationship you started in

the middle or high school

she is so obsessed with being with you

and he is so chill

as a result for him

the girlfriend would feel like

suffocation

you always have to let her know you have

to feel like you have to parade her

around so people know that you guys are

together

otherwise she’ll be upset and in her

view why is he not acknowledging me

why from monday to friday he’s so busy

with work or so busy with classes i

could

only see him on saturday they don’t

realize that these differences

may come across just because culturally

they come from different

background you take a mental note

on how that difference is that’s why

definition

from one couple or one person to another

but relationship is different

one see relationship as being together

wearing matching shirts which is

completely okay and the other one feels

like definition of relationship means

i want to get to know you what are your

desires

what are your insecurities what are your

dreams how can i help

you or support you emotionally

now you’ll be surprised that people get

into a marriage

people get into relationship they have

motives and goals

and it’s different from one culture to

another

now my parents are lucky one indian one

indonesian

both of them share similar background

here and let me tell you why

in our community right if you’re in a

relationship

you work towards a goal it looks like a

paraben

you start a relationship here then you

get engaged you get married

having kids one more kid so if you’re

with someone

you will assume your partner works

toward the same goal

in our community in a completely

different community though

it doesn’t mean the same a relationship

is seen as something flat line

you want to look for compatibility in

feelings

and visions and discussion about meeting

the family

getting engaged getting married does not

come

until much much much later

now imagine two kind of people getting

together

well she said let me bring you home to

meet my parents so they can get to know

you

and hill said no no no that’s way too

soon

what are you doing she will think that

you’re not serious in this relationship

you’re toying me around

in his view no she’s taking me into

something that i don’t know i don’t even

know her yet

i want to get to know her first

so motive and goal from each

relationship from each

couple and culture is so different you

can only take a mental note

and see how different you and your

partner is

another thing that you should consider

is what i called as vip now this is the

toughest part

the reason being is that what you and

your partner sees are values

what you and your boyfriend or

girlfriend sees or perceive as

issues or they believe in one thing

it’s not necessarily communicated for

example

this is where an area like sex

like politics like their view on lgbtq

community

does not come into play until you

observe what your partner think you

cannot sit down and talk about it with

them and expect them to be honest

when you’re asking like what’s your

political affiliation what do you think

of this

why you cannot sit down and talk about

it because they tend to be dishonest

not because they want to try to lie but

people have

certain view about themselves an ideal

view oh yeah i’m very tolerant

i’m very this i’m very that the best way

is to observe turn on the tv

check out the news together see what he

or she

thinks or comments on certain issue

and pay attention how different it is

from yours

and take a mental note

everybody loves family they will say oh

yeah i’m close with my mother i’m close

with my father

sure everybody say so right

until you realize that each community

treats family differently they have

different roles

my good friend she met her boyfriend on

tinder

and they’ve been dating for a number of

years and then they finally made a

decision

let’s get married no she is from

indonesia

he is from united states

now for her to be indonesian and coming

from a muslim community

it’s important for her parents to tell

that hey

if he’s he wants to marry you make sure

he gets a circumcision

now circumcision is a surgery that

normally performed when someone steal a

baby so for him

to be a grown man and ask to have his

part of genital cut off a little bit

it’s a big deal so he would take a few

steps back and say

i don’t know if i’m comfortable with

that if that’s what it takes to marry

you

i don’t know and then she would like no

no you have to understand

this is what my family requests to

embrace into our community you don’t

understand if my

family did not want you into the

community that means

i cannot have their blessings now if you

understand

asian community family blessings is

everything

whereas in some of the community okay

they don’t like my future wife and

husband i’m the one who’s getting

married so what

so family roles and what they say

into your relationship and your own

marriage is crucial and it’s different

one culture to another

you could only observe see how your

partner behave around their family

see how your partner interact their

family and what how they take their

suggestion

inputs and comments now

my mother is indonesian and my father is

indian

when they were together they look

physically very different

skin color height you name it

when they walk around in indonesia it

invites talks

whispers stairs natural

because they look very different the

question is

if you are with someone who looks

physically different from you

observe how your partner feels when

people are giving this vibe

is she okay with that is he okay with

that

because how she feels and how he feels

although she may not

acknowledge it on that particular day it

will come back to you the next day

and you take a mental note now

with all this points being shown

at the end of the day you take a few

steps back

and you look at it this is how much

homework i have

if i want to continue this relationship

with someone i like

see how big the difference is

talk about it are you guys ready to

embark on this together

make sure she’s on it now

you’re coming here in this talk because

you are either

in relationship with someone of a

different culture married to one

or potentially we’re going to have one

you’re in south korea right get on

tinder

get on bumble you know just

explore the world and meet a lot of

people and you’ll be surprised how much

you will learn about yourself

in understanding this it doesn’t need to

work it’s okay

if it doesn’t work you just

need to see ahead if it works

with my parents it works for you too

i’m not here to discourage you from

intercultural relationship

yeah that’s me in the crib the baby me

you could do it the question is assess

ahead

talk about it with your partner

now in 1978 where my when my parents met

for the first time there was no dating

apps

but the way they described how they met

at that time

my father lock eyes with my mom and they

like each other

it would kind of look similar like

swiping right swiping left on tinder

so out of my respect to them i made this

now my father

passed away in 2019 but that

conversation in the car remains a beacon

for me

to observe further intercultural

relationship

good luck with yours