THE PARADOX OF ANGER IN LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

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thank you for being here today i truly

hope that you and yours have fared well

throughout this dreadful pandemic

my name is dr laurel steinberg and i’m a

clinical sexologist

and relationship therapist my mission in

life

is to help couples love their lives

together

my talk today is called the paradox of

anger

in loving relationships

i’m here to reveal to you a truly

shocking and completely

backwards phenomenon that loving couples

engage in

all too often as well as a much needed

solution

that i developed over more than 12 years

of clinical practice

to help them stop fighting forever

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it was amazing i couldn’t believe

my ears partner after partner repeatedly

concluded

that what sounded like anger being

directed at them

meant that their partners felt angry

towards them

and were picking a fight hungry for them

to yell back

this was shocking because as i listened

carefully

about how precious their relationships

were to them

time and again it was crystal clear to

that more often than not their yelling

partners

really felt completely different

inside they had simply worked themselves

to the point that they were unable to

communicate

effectively i feel anguished thinking

about the countless arguments that could

have been avoided

let me share a story to both further

illustrate what i mean

and teach you how to keep your own

relationship

protected i remember one evening in

particular

just as i was about to leave my office

for the day i received a call from a

woman named sarah

she explained in a sad weeby voice that

she was staring at a document

from her lawyer which if signed would

result in her husband james being served

with divorce papers

through tears sarah said before i sign

away what i once thought was the best

thing that ever happened to me

i wanted to give couples counseling a

try

to see if you might be able to help us

end this non-stop arguing

no pressure right how does it come to be

that partners who desperately want to

get along

often choose words that hurt one another

the most

resulting in arguments that are reported

to be the cause

of 60 of all divorces

whatever happened to the marital vows

made by partners committing to love and

cherish one another

who then do just the opposite

treating couples like sarah and james

taught me

that when partners who truly have the

best intentions for their relationships

spend so much time arguing what

typically

sounds like anger really isn’t

anger it’s anxiety

that has become escalated to the point

that it comes out

sounding like anger as a desperate

attempt

to immediately capture a partner’s

attention

think about it have you ever found

yourself

saying hurtful mean words that you later

realized were more

intense than your partner’s offense

or were you ever surprised at being on

the receiving end of an angry response

when the way you did something different

from what your partner had in mind the

term that i

developed for this phenomenon is

escalated

anxiety it sounds completely

mean and angry but in reality it’s

mostly made up of worry

and none of us are immune to it without

first becoming aware of it

and then changing the way we respond

let me show you an action how anxiety

becomes transformed into

escalated anxiety

take sarah for example the woman who

telephoned me holding

the divorce papers she came to our first

couple session

with puffy teary eyes and begin by

saying

we have such big arguments over such

little things

i don’t get it one instance

began with sarah suggesting that she and

james spend more time together

by having him drive her to work a few

days each week

sounds good he agreed but reminded her

that they had to be on the road

by 6 am in order to get in on time

they had great fun at first laughing

listening to music

but as the days went by sarah arrived at

james’s car

later and later 606 then

6 10 and finally 6 18

when he screamed why are you so late i

hate when you do this

as she got in the car thinking it

unacceptable that he was yelling at her

sarah yelled back sparking an ugly

argument that spanned their entire

one and a half hour commute into the

city

this doesn’t sound like such quality

time together right

so what specifically causes escalated

anxiety

why did sarah’s lateness which couldn’t

be undone

result in such a bad argument

my years of research have shown that the

mechanism that causes escalated anxiety

becomes activated when

a a person struggles to cope with their

anxiety in relation to what they believe

their partner did

wrong and b a person thinks that the

relationship

simply cannot continue without the

current issue

being resolved immediately because of

this

their words come out sounding mean even

though they’re only a little angry

about their partner’s wrongdoing and a

lot

worried about the situation they’re left

to face

additionally i’ve learned that arguments

between loving partners

are at their core the result of anxiety

about

three specific themes which tug

unbelievably strongly at the

heartstrings of ordinarily reasonable

people

who desperately want a happy

relationship

i’ve also found that as a number of

themes that they feel anxiety about

increases from one to two to three

the subsequent escalated anxiety

experience

increases exponentially not linearly

oh boy these three themes come together

to form the easy to remember

acronym art a-r-t

they include appreciation

being recognized and important to

someone special is one of the greatest

feelings

in the world sarah yelled back at james

because she felt unappreciated

and when james thought that his job

might be in jeopardy

he believed that sarah’s tardiness was a

reflection

of her not appreciating him right versus

wrong

everyone wants a partner who will make

decisions that keep their relationship

safe on countless issues which often

include how money is spent

or conduct with others sarah thought

it was unacceptable that james yelled at

her and when sarah was late

james thought that this was just wrong

wrong wrong

time we’re all racing against the clock

optimizing at every turn

sarah shared that she remembered rushing

herself that morning

so james wasn’t late for work and james

was

all worked up about facing an angry boss

as you can see both sarah and james

experienced escalated anxiety about all

three of the art categories that day

appreciation right versus wrong and time

resulting in meanness that led to that

ugly ugly argument

countless arguments like these push

sarah and james to the brink of divorce

but they were willing to do whatever it

would take to keep them together

frustrated by hearing couple after

couple

have argument after argument as a result

of believing that their partners felt

angry at them

not anxious i came up with the following

set

of techniques to help eliminate this

problem

so what can loving couples do to stop

arguments before

they start well the first step is to

realize

that it takes two people to argue but

only one to stop the madness

and with a little know-how we can all be

that much needed hero

next we can recognize when our own

anxiety becomes escalated

and or not take that bait if the partner

we know

loves us dearly appears angry

as he or she is most likely experiencing

escalated

anxiety then

we can de-escalate the anxiety by taking

a deep breath

and asking ourselves or our partners the

following question

what are you worried about what are you

worried about

with practice this question alone will

be enough to be effective

but until it is on an off day we can ask

three follow-up questions

are you feeling unappreciated about what

your partner is doing

do you think your partner is making

choices that aren’t right for you

and or your relationship

or is your partner preventing you from

using time

the way you want

these questions identify the exact

source

of the problem anxiety about a not

feeling appreciated

are our partner doing something wrong

and or t that our partner’s use of time

is negatively impacting our own use of

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this technique works as a result of a

universally taught principle

we are taught to soothe and

constructively solve issues with those

who demonstrate

that they are worried instead of having

arguments that would leave us stranded

in relationship

no man’s land once the angry sounding

words have come to a halt

i like for partners to incorporate a

structure for success

for future occasions sure to be similar

to the one that went wrong

sarah and james decided that on

occasions when she’s running later than

is okay

he’ll head off on his own and she’ll

just take the train like she does on the

other days

in this way the incident that caused him

so much upset

yields it a brighter no stress

tomorrow it is such a great honor

to be able to help couples like sarah

and james

improve the way they relate to one

another

this doesn’t mean that we won’t have

differences of opinion

or disagreements it just means that more

often than not

we’ll be able to turn potential conflict

into actual constructive communication

listen when we take the time to ask

important

questions to better understand our own

feelings

as well as those of our partners we can

experience the joy and fulfillment we

always hoped for

this concept and the skill that i have

shared here today

or how i was able to think big to

develop an idea

worth spreading please remember

only you have the ability to have your

worries

not sound mean thank you so much

for being such a wonderful audience