We Define Women by Relationship Status and Should Stop
i’ve been single for far
more cumulative years of my womanhood
than i’ve been
in a relationship and externally i’ve
watched
this relationship status evolve into a
role
amongst family and friends and even in
dating
it felt like my life became the
perpetual single woman
starring achemia deadweiler
it’s like people began to define me by
my singleness
if i met a guy the conversation revolved
around
why are you single with few inquiries
into who i was
aside from this label if i met up with
friends at a networking event
instead of discussing who i’d like to
network with
the conversation immediately turned to
let’s see who we can hook you up with
it was like hey my single friend’s here
not hey my critically acclaimed author
and accomplished writer friend is here
if i came back from an out of town
workshop and started to rave about
all that i learned and experienced
others would interject with
inquiries into whether i had a one night
stand
most didn’t care much to hear me talk
about the museums i visited or the
seminars that changed my perspective on
a subject
only if i met someone for a romantic
rendezvous
welcome to the life of a single woman
where you’re being single seems to
supersede
every other detail of your life
in terms of external interest this is
what many women
endure daily even if they’re not single
swap the workshop with a promotion
buying a home
starting a business or any other
accomplishment
all most people want to hear about is
the state of a woman’s love life
when she’ll get married when she’ll have
children
i’m sure you’d agree that it can be
difficult to feel valued and maintain an
esteemed perception of self when this is
the case
i hope you’d also agree that women are
so much more than
wives mothers and relationship statuses
it’s time we deliberately view and
approach them this way
according to the asian pacific institute
of gender-based violence
globally there were an estimated 15.4
million people enforced marriages in
88 of the victims were women and girls
now if you’re thinking this is only an
issue in other countries
note that between 2005 and 2015
at least 207 468 miners were forced into
marriage
right here in the united states and 87
of them were girls and 86 percent of
those girls
married adult males
i would say that these girls could have
been doctors or lawyers
but they also could have chosen to be
wives and mothers
the point is that they could have been
whoever they elected to be
except wife was selected on their behalf
it was deemed a most important use of
their female attributes
the conditioning starts early women are
taught to aspire to marriage and
children
at a young age we watch movies where
prince charming swoops in
and saves a woman from an awful
existence
it’s just assumed that we want the same
this scenario becomes the accepted fairy
tale
what’s the harm the harm is that in
creating this culture where the
significance of a woman’s relationship
status is amplified
we create an environment where who a
woman is romantically involved with
overshadows who she is
it leads to a woman being at best
encouraged
and at worst forced into a union where
her sense of value is
variable and her desires don’t just go
unmet but unconsidered
the first questions asked of a woman who
meets someone for the first time
are usually if she’s married or has kids
not what college she attended what she
does for a living
or what career goals and aspirations she
holds
it’s again this sentiment of hey you’re
a woman
what’s the status of your womanly duties
it’s not only men who take this approach
either
women generally apply the same outlook
to other women
it’s been ingrained into our psyche
since the time
we imagined ourselves as cinderella or
snow
white what words do you associate with
being a single woman
lonely desperate
bitter cold
think about how you engage single women
even friends and family members if
you’re a single woman
think about how friends and family most
often engage
you what inquiries most commonly arise
i think if we’re being honest with
ourselves some of us have likely just
realized that we
do in fact frequently bring up the topic
of dating with the single ladies in our
lives
with the involved ladies we likely bring
up marriage
and with those married but childless
we ask them if or when they’ll have a
baby
now mentally compare those conversations
with the instances that you’ve asked
about a woman’s job
the book she’s writing or gold that she
has
if the scale’s balance kudos to you
but i bet that for most of us one side
is decidedly
heavier than the other it all comes back
to relationship status
we seem more concerned about who a woman
is with
than what she’s done somehow
it becomes the topic of conversation at
every family gathering
every outing with friends and even in
communication with strangers
i hear so many stories of women who
dread
holidays because they know they’ll be
bombarded
with invasive probes into their love
lives
they get tired of feeling as though
they’re letting mom down
because they haven’t given her any
grandchildren
being scrutinized every time they show
up without a date
grows exhausting then
we don’t just pry we make determinations
about women based on their relationship
status
sometimes those assumptions are
favorable
but other times they’re damaging
and diminishing whether she’s married
with a partner and especially if she’s
single
it shapes the way that we perceive her
regardless of the sentiment consider how
narrow the analysis is when we decide
anything about a woman based solely
on this aspect of her life i don’t know
a single woman in her 20s or older who
hasn’t
felt pressured to marry while i also
know a couple of men
who feel this pressure i know more
who are spoken of as bachelors just
having fun and not ready to settle down
whereas with women we’re spinsters
or we’re broken somehow if we adopt this
dance
consider this
a man is considered a mister no matter
his marital status
a woman can be a miss
a missus or a miz depending on the same
criteria even her title is tied to her
partner affiliation
romantic partnership can be a source of
joy and love
it’s just not the only or inherently
most significant source available
many people equate marriage and family
with happiness
so because they care about you and want
you to be happy
they may emphasize this area of your
life i get it
most people mean well they don’t intend
to reduce you to a relationship status
they just believe it to be an important
determinant
in the quality of your life the problem
is
they don’t believe that as a woman you
can be content
without evolution in this area
this is what we’ve been taught that the
road
to a woman’s fulfillment runs through
marriage
and more specifically men
as women we sway these beliefs by being
unapologetic
and demonstrating honest contentment no
matter our relationship status
we avoid the impulse to answer for or
offer
disclaimers about the state of our love
lives
it’s okay to just be single
unwed or without children we don’t need
a reason
when others push for one we should make
this known
we work together to change this
narrative by challenging ourselves
to accept the idea of a woman’s
autonomous
gratification fight the urge to know the
status of a woman’s love life
especially if you’re not attempting to
date her
ask different questions
initiate discussions about unrelated
topics
the plan is for this deliberate
deviation to become second nature over
time
eventually we make our evolved and
enlightened point of view the standard
we establish a new normal
one that considers a woman’s
relationship status
inconsequential to who she is
being subjected to a perpetual tethering
of existence to relationship status can
be detrimental to the self-esteem of a
woman
it can cause her to attach her sense of
worth to this external factor
that does little to appreciate her as a
whole
and innately valuable human being
old traditions die hard so do gender
norms
but together we can ensure
that the demise is imminent
so how do we stop
the conscious and unconscious behavior
of defining women by relationship status
becoming aware that we are doing this is
the first step
we have to examine the way that we
approach
speak of and to women
and acknowledge the problematic history
of practices
such as connecting a woman’s title to
her marital standing we can’t make
excuses for such
obvious gender bias once we’ve embraced
awareness
and acceptance we can begin to unlearn
the diminishing perspectives that have
been woven
into the fabric of society
if we feel the urge to always ask a
woman about her dating life or
relationship status
we should ask ourselves why
why aren’t we as interested in other
aspects of her being
asking ourselves why we care and talks
such as the one we’re having
right now can help make us pay more
attention to the philosophies
that we hold in our minds about who a
woman
is supposed to be subsequently
we can become more aware of how those
ideas
manifest in our behavior
then we can pass it on
from that awareness we can address the
situation
and not only be more cognizant of our
thoughts and actions
but help others be more mindful as well
when the holiday gathering with family
rolls around and turns into an
interrogation about the single woman’s
love life
interject ask about her work
if you’re the woman being grilled
mention that you have many other things
going on in your life that you are proud
of
and would love to talk about
bringing your innate wholeness to light
could prove effective in both group
and one-on-one settings those who
truly care for you and are assessing
your relationship status from a place of
love
should embrace learning how they can
better
support your well-being
we can also choose to expose our little
girls to more empowering
media and stimuli we can show them
that they don’t need to be saved and
detach their idea of womanhood
from their marital status this way
the work we start today doesn’t stop
with us
even if you don’t believe that you
define women by relationship status
and see no issue with repeated related
inquiries
deliberately not succumbing to the urge
can have a profound
impact on your viewpoint
if we force ourselves to ask different
questions
to engage a woman in conversation