We Define Women by Relationship Status and Should Stop

i’ve been single for far

more cumulative years of my womanhood

than i’ve been

in a relationship and externally i’ve

watched

this relationship status evolve into a

role

amongst family and friends and even in

dating

it felt like my life became the

perpetual single woman

starring achemia deadweiler

it’s like people began to define me by

my singleness

if i met a guy the conversation revolved

around

why are you single with few inquiries

into who i was

aside from this label if i met up with

friends at a networking event

instead of discussing who i’d like to

network with

the conversation immediately turned to

let’s see who we can hook you up with

it was like hey my single friend’s here

not hey my critically acclaimed author

and accomplished writer friend is here

if i came back from an out of town

workshop and started to rave about

all that i learned and experienced

others would interject with

inquiries into whether i had a one night

stand

most didn’t care much to hear me talk

about the museums i visited or the

seminars that changed my perspective on

a subject

only if i met someone for a romantic

rendezvous

welcome to the life of a single woman

where you’re being single seems to

supersede

every other detail of your life

in terms of external interest this is

what many women

endure daily even if they’re not single

swap the workshop with a promotion

buying a home

starting a business or any other

accomplishment

all most people want to hear about is

the state of a woman’s love life

when she’ll get married when she’ll have

children

i’m sure you’d agree that it can be

difficult to feel valued and maintain an

esteemed perception of self when this is

the case

i hope you’d also agree that women are

so much more than

wives mothers and relationship statuses

it’s time we deliberately view and

approach them this way

according to the asian pacific institute

of gender-based violence

globally there were an estimated 15.4

million people enforced marriages in

88 of the victims were women and girls

now if you’re thinking this is only an

issue in other countries

note that between 2005 and 2015

at least 207 468 miners were forced into

marriage

right here in the united states and 87

of them were girls and 86 percent of

those girls

married adult males

i would say that these girls could have

been doctors or lawyers

but they also could have chosen to be

wives and mothers

the point is that they could have been

whoever they elected to be

except wife was selected on their behalf

it was deemed a most important use of

their female attributes

the conditioning starts early women are

taught to aspire to marriage and

children

at a young age we watch movies where

prince charming swoops in

and saves a woman from an awful

existence

it’s just assumed that we want the same

this scenario becomes the accepted fairy

tale

what’s the harm the harm is that in

creating this culture where the

significance of a woman’s relationship

status is amplified

we create an environment where who a

woman is romantically involved with

overshadows who she is

it leads to a woman being at best

encouraged

and at worst forced into a union where

her sense of value is

variable and her desires don’t just go

unmet but unconsidered

the first questions asked of a woman who

meets someone for the first time

are usually if she’s married or has kids

not what college she attended what she

does for a living

or what career goals and aspirations she

holds

it’s again this sentiment of hey you’re

a woman

what’s the status of your womanly duties

it’s not only men who take this approach

either

women generally apply the same outlook

to other women

it’s been ingrained into our psyche

since the time

we imagined ourselves as cinderella or

snow

white what words do you associate with

being a single woman

lonely desperate

bitter cold

think about how you engage single women

even friends and family members if

you’re a single woman

think about how friends and family most

often engage

you what inquiries most commonly arise

i think if we’re being honest with

ourselves some of us have likely just

realized that we

do in fact frequently bring up the topic

of dating with the single ladies in our

lives

with the involved ladies we likely bring

up marriage

and with those married but childless

we ask them if or when they’ll have a

baby

now mentally compare those conversations

with the instances that you’ve asked

about a woman’s job

the book she’s writing or gold that she

has

if the scale’s balance kudos to you

but i bet that for most of us one side

is decidedly

heavier than the other it all comes back

to relationship status

we seem more concerned about who a woman

is with

than what she’s done somehow

it becomes the topic of conversation at

every family gathering

every outing with friends and even in

communication with strangers

i hear so many stories of women who

dread

holidays because they know they’ll be

bombarded

with invasive probes into their love

lives

they get tired of feeling as though

they’re letting mom down

because they haven’t given her any

grandchildren

being scrutinized every time they show

up without a date

grows exhausting then

we don’t just pry we make determinations

about women based on their relationship

status

sometimes those assumptions are

favorable

but other times they’re damaging

and diminishing whether she’s married

with a partner and especially if she’s

single

it shapes the way that we perceive her

regardless of the sentiment consider how

narrow the analysis is when we decide

anything about a woman based solely

on this aspect of her life i don’t know

a single woman in her 20s or older who

hasn’t

felt pressured to marry while i also

know a couple of men

who feel this pressure i know more

who are spoken of as bachelors just

having fun and not ready to settle down

whereas with women we’re spinsters

or we’re broken somehow if we adopt this

dance

consider this

a man is considered a mister no matter

his marital status

a woman can be a miss

a missus or a miz depending on the same

criteria even her title is tied to her

partner affiliation

romantic partnership can be a source of

joy and love

it’s just not the only or inherently

most significant source available

many people equate marriage and family

with happiness

so because they care about you and want

you to be happy

they may emphasize this area of your

life i get it

most people mean well they don’t intend

to reduce you to a relationship status

they just believe it to be an important

determinant

in the quality of your life the problem

is

they don’t believe that as a woman you

can be content

without evolution in this area

this is what we’ve been taught that the

road

to a woman’s fulfillment runs through

marriage

and more specifically men

as women we sway these beliefs by being

unapologetic

and demonstrating honest contentment no

matter our relationship status

we avoid the impulse to answer for or

offer

disclaimers about the state of our love

lives

it’s okay to just be single

unwed or without children we don’t need

a reason

when others push for one we should make

this known

we work together to change this

narrative by challenging ourselves

to accept the idea of a woman’s

autonomous

gratification fight the urge to know the

status of a woman’s love life

especially if you’re not attempting to

date her

ask different questions

initiate discussions about unrelated

topics

the plan is for this deliberate

deviation to become second nature over

time

eventually we make our evolved and

enlightened point of view the standard

we establish a new normal

one that considers a woman’s

relationship status

inconsequential to who she is

being subjected to a perpetual tethering

of existence to relationship status can

be detrimental to the self-esteem of a

woman

it can cause her to attach her sense of

worth to this external factor

that does little to appreciate her as a

whole

and innately valuable human being

old traditions die hard so do gender

norms

but together we can ensure

that the demise is imminent

so how do we stop

the conscious and unconscious behavior

of defining women by relationship status

becoming aware that we are doing this is

the first step

we have to examine the way that we

approach

speak of and to women

and acknowledge the problematic history

of practices

such as connecting a woman’s title to

her marital standing we can’t make

excuses for such

obvious gender bias once we’ve embraced

awareness

and acceptance we can begin to unlearn

the diminishing perspectives that have

been woven

into the fabric of society

if we feel the urge to always ask a

woman about her dating life or

relationship status

we should ask ourselves why

why aren’t we as interested in other

aspects of her being

asking ourselves why we care and talks

such as the one we’re having

right now can help make us pay more

attention to the philosophies

that we hold in our minds about who a

woman

is supposed to be subsequently

we can become more aware of how those

ideas

manifest in our behavior

then we can pass it on

from that awareness we can address the

situation

and not only be more cognizant of our

thoughts and actions

but help others be more mindful as well

when the holiday gathering with family

rolls around and turns into an

interrogation about the single woman’s

love life

interject ask about her work

if you’re the woman being grilled

mention that you have many other things

going on in your life that you are proud

of

and would love to talk about

bringing your innate wholeness to light

could prove effective in both group

and one-on-one settings those who

truly care for you and are assessing

your relationship status from a place of

love

should embrace learning how they can

better

support your well-being

we can also choose to expose our little

girls to more empowering

media and stimuli we can show them

that they don’t need to be saved and

detach their idea of womanhood

from their marital status this way

the work we start today doesn’t stop

with us

even if you don’t believe that you

define women by relationship status

and see no issue with repeated related

inquiries

deliberately not succumbing to the urge

can have a profound

impact on your viewpoint

if we force ourselves to ask different

questions

to engage a woman in conversation