The Third Option

think about these words for a moment

sex abortion

adoption abstinence

consent what feelings were evoked when

those words were spoken

uncomfort fear

i always question why those words evoke

such strong emotions

i remember the uncomfortable feelings of

having the talk

i felt shame when even thinking about

sex

and add on to the fact i was a closeted

queer kid didn’t help either

and then i remember the first time

having sex

i cried because i didn’t understand how

it was supposed to work

i was taught a very loose understanding

of what a sexual relationship

actually was and it was more than just

penis and a vagina sex has so many

levels to it

and one of our levels is our boundaries

we have our hardline boundaries

the boundaries we won’t allow anyone

else to cross

what is important is that you believe in

those boundaries

what can and has happened in my own

personal experience

is that someone makes me question those

boundaries

and that is when the lines become blurry

this is when we

second guess ourselves when a boundary

has been crossed once

it is then easy for it to be crossed and

pushed back a second time

we must advocate and stand by ourselves

if we don’t do that

who will only nine states require

the importance of consent to be taught

in sexual health education classes

neither georgia alabama or tennessee are

included in those states

we are taught about sex from an early

age and that no means no

this means any sort of sexual contact

a touch on the leg or shoulder a kiss

close coming off even during intercourse

communication is key what

what happens so when we get older

sometimes boundaries can become blurry

they change with our level of comfort

a couple of years ago i met a guy the

typical heteronormative relationship

timeline happened they kiss they go on a

date they spend the night

they might end up in a relationship and

live happily ever after

but this had a different ending it ended

in an unplanned pregnancy an unplanned

pregnancy that was

100 preventable i remember

the conversations i tried having with

him that we needed to be tested for stis

and that we needed to use condoms and we

needed to do

this and that and i remember even

telling him

that we could not support a child in the

leg of life

either of us were in at the time i spoke

up for my boundaries but

it wasn’t taken seriously if someone

does not want to listen to your

boundaries

that is not only a red flag but enough

to end the relationship

point blank if someone does not pay

attention to your boundaries

at the beginning of the relationship

what happens when

more serious issues come into play

what happens when the inevitable

argument or in my case a profound

decision must be made between the

parties

i remembered each month would pass and i

would

let him cross my boundaries because i

did not stand up for myself and

push back i somehow led myself to

believe that i could be immune

to what happened in may of last year

when i looked at the positive pregnancy

tests in my hand

my mind was racing where do i go from

here

how do i cope who do i talk to

am i keeping this there are three

choices when faced with an unplanned

pregnancy

you go on to become a parent you

terminate the pregnancy

or the lesser chosen lesser known and

less talked about option

you carry the child to term and then you

put that child up for adoption

i already knew i couldn’t be a parent so

that knocked the first choice out

then there were those of not being a

parent

when weighing those options the laws

governing my pre

reproductive organs were plastered all

over the news

was i going to jail if i chose abortion

and then there were just the common

questions of if my body could handle it

and if that would allow me to still have

children later on down the road if i so

choose

many people put into the situation as i

do

either see it as abortion or become

apparent and rightly so

when faced with the option many can’t

fathom

growing nurturing and growing a human

than to not ever see them again on a

consistent basis

also living in the bible belt weighed on

me heavily

it seems around here that an unwed

pregnant person

is a lot more acceptable than someone

who has terminated a pregnancy

even marginally so by july 2019 i had my

tentative plan of an

adoption when finding an agency to go

through

there were so many that popped out at me

i decided to focus on the lgbtq

affirming agencies

and then on to researching families i

spoke with the adoption coordinator and

she sent off

a few lists to research in in those

in those lists there were pages upon

pages of eager awaiting people

ready to be parents i landed on a few

selections

listed then off to the coordinator and

then was set up with a phone call

in that first phone call i met the

parents of the baby

as i spoke more and more with them i

started to become more and more sure of

the option that i

choose i also knew that someday i would

need to tell this story and

i would want this to be as fact-based as

possible and why i chose an adoption

over the other two normalizing the

choice of adoption

is another step to creating a safe space

for those who are unsure of the path

they must take

no two adoption processes are alike

there are three types of adoptions

open semi-open and closed

i let each option sit within me

thinking of the possible outcomes of

each speaking with

parents every so often they wanted to

hear what i had to say about how much

involvement

i would want to have in the relationship

we collectively came to the choice of

semi-open

we don’t have any set rules of how the

relationship should look

but we have respect for each other’s

boundaries and as time goes by it will

change

just as our lives do being faced with

something as life-altering and

life-stopping as an unplanned pregnancy

i had to allow myself the love

and patience i knew i needed in times

like these i picked up the phone and

called my mom

i knew that if i had at least one person

in my corner i was going to be okay

she did tell me that it would be okay

but i wouldn’t believe her until nine

months later

this wasn’t a secret to keep or try to

hide it

becomes glaringly obvious as the time

goes by

so the one thing i would push the most

if you are in this situation

is to find your support system whether

that is online or in person

or a mix of the two the parents would

chat with me every so often

to ensure i have what i needed they were

excited for what was to come

when i would speak to them on what i

wanted they were attentive and

respectful

they understood the emotional weight i

was carrying with me and wanted to

support the decisions i not only

needed to make but wanted to make

i tried to go into the adoption with an

open mind

i started to obsess with how others

would view this

and then a friend said to me think of it

as a surrogacy

and my whole mindset shifted i became

more

accepting of my circumstance and was

able to focus on what was important

growing a human and nurturing a

parent-child relationship as much as

possible

coming out and telling people i was

pregnant was one thing but then to

announce that

i was putting the child up for adoption

was another thing

i decided to be blunt in my announcement

i put it all out there

letting everyone know this was my truth

i have been taught before that if you

want to control the narrative

you must put yourself on blast to be as

truthful

in the situation leaves no room for

there to be miscommunication

owning what is happening leaves no room

for us unsolicited judgment

from there i got messages and likes and

support from

friends on the internet and personal

friends

i was not afraid of the possible

judgment that could have been placed on

my shoulders

i was doing what was best for me and my

situation

researching support for adoption came up

with a lot of resources

i found facebook pages and groups

websites dedicated to the journey

and even instagram pages for birth moms

i joined in trying to find the support i

longed for

but knew that that wasn’t the right

choice

so i decided to forge my own path

and look into ways to support myself

being one’s biggest supporter helps when

you wholeheartedly believe that the

choices you are making will

impact your life in a positive way it

becomes

easier to handle the hard things when

looking for the support systems

i thought i could benefit from it all

seemed so rigid and callous

which was not the perspective i was

looking for

that to me was a sign that i should look

to support myself in the way that i

needed to

and stick to fact-based research instead

of

feelings based research because once

other feelings become involved

it is harder to see through to our own

when going through the realization of

how preventable this situation was

i dealt with a lot of anger anger

towards myself and anger at the guy

the man that i slept with was not only

the father of one

but the possible father of two meaning

unprotected sex is something that he

does quite frequently

he did not grasp the weight that he

carried

those who cannot become pregnant by

someone else will not understand the

mental labor of those who can

the first few times we did use condoms

as it was the easier obtainable

protection

then i realized he wasn’t taking me

seriously he tried to enter

in me as i said no and gesture towards

the condoms

i could feel his apprehension as a

cisgender woman i know all too well the

comments that cisgender men make

i can’t feel it i can’t get or stay hard

it’s not the same and why do we

give in we are in our most vulnerable

state

a hot body on another hot body just

wanting to feel something beyond surface

level

i was on the pill form of contraception

for about a month during that

relationship

it made me feel confused and disoriented

i bled for a month straight

and it left me feeling fatigued i ended

up stopping

letting him know and pushing for condoms

again

he would say okay and then continue to

push for sex with

without them i lay there wondering why i

kept letting him

and why i didn’t advocate for myself in

such a vulnerable time

growing up abstinence-based sexual

health education

was pushed as one of the only forms of

safe sex

even now from the guttmacher institute

georgia’s sexual health education does

not have to be

medically accurate age-appropriate or

culturally

unpro appropriate or unbiased

georgia and tennessee are not required

to include consent in their curriculum

they do though require abstinence and

marriage only sex ed as

main point of curriculum

growing up conservative and religion

religious

abstinence is the main option of birth

control heavily pushed onto us

abstinence only sex ed may meet fear

communication with my partners

and left me confused on how a healthy

sexual relationship

should operate one person does not get

to dictate

how sex looks like in a relationship if

one person is uncomfortable with

something

then it becomes a boundary for the

relationship

as i got older i started to realize

there were so many forms of birth

control

i’ve tried out several types of pills

condoms

natural family planning and now i’m on a

hormonal iud

which is good for up to six years and

over 99 effective

why am i telling you this to normalize

it

when we normalize it and make it a

general topic of conversation we lift

the burden off of one party

going through heterosexual relationships

i felt the burden of how to prevent

pregnancy more often than the other

party

normalizing the hard things in life

doesn’t make it any less hard to talk

about

but it does make it easier to talk about

yes unplanned pregnancies do happen from

unprotected

and sometimes protected sex from there

we must be straightforward with the

information that is available

and show grace to those who must make

the hard decisions

whether it’s parenthood abortion or

adoption

show them grace

you