The Restorative Power of Reframing Resilience

today

i want to talk about a single word

that’s it just

one word a word that has become

ingrained in the vernacular of corporate

marketing teams

educational institutions and the leaders

of our nation

but a word that has become so incredibly

misconstrued over the past year

and i know some of you may be thinking

really

a whole ted talk about one word this kid

is dramatic

and for those of you thinking that my

response would be

perhaps but i think this word is pretty

important for all of us

so i want you to think back on the past

year i want you to think back to a time

when you were knocked down

or felt lost or felt like you just

couldn’t do it

what advice did you receive what did

your boss teachers or mentors say

you were probably told by someone that

you needed to be strong

diligent determined steadfast

perseverant

and resilient that last word resilient

has been widespread widely misused and

widely misinterpreted

and the effects of that can be extremely

harmful

so today i want to pick apart that word

and then go into a story to reassess

and reframe what it truly means since

the pandemic first hit the united states

we’ve been overwhelmed with pretty much

everything

yet despite the weight of public health

statistics the rippling effects of a

politicized virus the loss of loved ones

police brutality increasing financial

disparities and the complete

obliteration of our plans and goals

we have been told time and time again

to just be resilient to keep moving

forward

this message as we’ll explore is

misguided and problematic

and yet it has permeated countless

communications

think about emails from university staff

or employers

or the anthologies of linkedin posts by

so-called professional development

influencers

and other media you’ve been exposed to

one common thread among most

if not all of them is the call to be

resilient

comma unwaveringly perseverant

this proclaimed bond between resilience

and tenacious forward-focused progress

implies that there is a contingent

relationship between the two

that is to be resilient you must keep

stride and continue to be productive

and it implies that to falter or to fail

is characteristic of a lack of

resilience

this implication can be seen all over

the place

especially now here are just two

examples of what i’ve seen

there was one university email that

stated we can observe

firsthand rutgers resilience as it

manifests itself under the most trying

circumstances

we push onward working hard every day

to better the state and the world

rutgers remains a place of great hope

innovation and perseverance

i also encountered a linkedin post

listing the top 10 key drivers for

success

the very first item read grit and

resilience

parentheses perseverance again

and again we are seeing resilience used

as a blanket term

for productivity and progress ultimately

suggesting that resilience and

perseverance

are just one and the same perhaps you’ve

noticed this in the messages you’ve

received

but even if not every encounter with a

post

email or conversation that super glues

resilience and perseverance together

can strengthen your association of the

two

what makes this more problematic is that

resilience messaging

or as i call it resilience propaganda is

on the rise

as an example let’s take a look at how

many emails i’ve received that mention

resilience

we’ll look at the email sent to me

throughout my five completed semesters

at college

comparing the number of resilience

related emails before

and after march 10 2020 since that’s

when it was confirmed that rutgers

students would be sent home for remote

instruction

in my first three and a half semesters i

received a total of 34 emails mentioning

brazilians

that’s just less than 10 resilience

emails per semester

but in the last one and a half i

received a total of 72.

that’s an increase of nearly 112 percent

that’s a lot that’s a frequency of 48

resilient emails per semester

and that’s just my own inbox these

numbers can vary by student

and these numbers also don’t account for

alternative means of communication

clearly there’s a lot of talk about

being resilient right now

and the resilience being talked about

has been been confounded with

perseverance and strength

but what’s the big deal anyway

well i worry that this mass messaging

coupled with the apparent confusion

sends the wrong idea

i worry it suggests that we need to be

more productive since we have all this

extra time on our hands that we need to

be thriving during a pandemic

the more we tout perseverance under the

guise of resilience

the more i worry that people feel

pressured to keep on going

to fight for that online internship to

network online incessantly

and to continue on with our now digital

lives as if nothing has changed

and i worry the people have come to

believe that being resilient

means coping by working relentlessly

until we see better days

and that is incredibly harmful it’s

damaging to the mental health of

countless people

when they’re told and convinced that

they need to be proactive and successful

in a situation

when the control is largely out of their

hands and i know this

because i felt absolutely powerless

under the weight of everything

my waking hours were somber as a result

of the pandemic and the constant

messaging pressuring me to be resilient

i began to feel incapable i could only

travel from one zoom room to the next

and it took a battle just to put on a

smile i felt like i was no longer able

to make an impact on my own life

let alone the world around me i was just

bound to my laptop watching helplessly

as emails fluttered in

one by one bearing news of cancellations

and loss

while the tv flashed tragedy after

tragedy

seeing the world and everything i had

worked and hoped for

fall apart i was devastated

it was as if i was driving down the

highway and the emergency brake was

yanked up without warning

and as i lurched to a screeching stop i

watched all the roads and bridges before

me collapse

and there i was with nowhere to go being

told to keep driving forward

as my imposter syndrome set in i faced

nightmares of failed performances

i worried that everything i did counted

for nothing and i began to question why

i was even trying it all

and these feelings of helplessness and

inefficacy

were only worsened every time i was hit

with another tidal wave of resilience

propaganda

as the spring semester ended and my

anxiety and imposter syndrome reached

all-time highs

i knew one thing for sure i could not

spend another second behind that stupid

computer screen

i needed to get away from the digital

world and step into a space where i

could breathe

more easily someplace where i felt calm

and safe

i needed to escape these pressures to be

perfect and successful during a pandemic

and find a way to regain my sense of

strength and efficacy

and efficacy yes and

so well i guess you could say i came to

the conclusion that any other young

rational adult experiencing a quarter

life crisis in severe emotional distress

during a pandemic would come to

i decided what better remedy than to

sweat profusely under the summer sun

and get my hands caked in dirt and by

that i mean

i reached out to julianne donini the

winemaker and co-founder of a south

jersey winery known as auburn road

vineyards

and i asked if i could help out in the

fields the subsequent shift in my life

was sudden trading my laptop for a pair

of pruners

i was now spending hours upon hours in

the grapevines on a near daily basis

allowing me to escape the incessant

stream of confusion frustration and

hopelessness that had been drowning me

for months

and in only a few days time i began to

notice a difference within me

i felt more in control of my environment

and because there were tangible results

to my work and i was supporting a local

business

i felt like my actions counted for

something again

and maybe the dehydration was just

really messing with me but

i found myself feeling happier i was

reconnecting with nature in my community

and i was finally beginning to reconnect

with myself

in the open air of the vineyard i was

able to reflect

and find answers to what had troubled me

for months

you may not suspect it but there’s

actually a lot to be learned from

working in a vineyard

each task is its own quest and each

plant its own adventure

in particular i learned a lot from

working with a certain pesky plant known

as petite for dough

a hybrid grape that makes for a

wonderfully bold floral and fruity wine

but it is absolutely terrible and

painstaking to work with

for reference typical vineyard tasks

include detangling the vines

positioning them so they grow straight

and ensuring that the grape clusters

won’t impede on each other’s growth

petite for dough is especially difficult

to work with because it has thin

windy and brittle vines that are easily

tangled and all too easily broken

and thus it’s easy to become frustrated

and to lose motivation as you wrestle

with these vines

because no matter how gentle you try to

be they always manage to snap in your

hands

the more i worked with this plant

however the more i realized how

important it was

to stop to pause and step back

and to look at the plant in its entirety

only then can you identify all the areas

that need to be addressed

and how from the weeds at the base of

the trunk to the overlapping grape

clusters

and to the tendrils that reach in every

single direction

only then with this greater perspective

can you take care of the plant’s needs

and promote its future health

if you only focus on the wild tangled up

canopy

you’ll never see the roots the issue or

how those roots propagate further

problems

for a long time i was only looking at

the canopy

i saw nothing but long spurious paths of

opportunity that had withered away

a lot of what i had worked and hoped for

was now this jumbled mess of a situation

and that was all i could see or focus on

but when i stepped back

away from our digital world into the

vineyard

i was able to see and appreciate the

larger picture

and i was able to deeply reflect on life

and the status of our country

i could see the roots where the weeds of

kova 19 had taken hold

to the tangled factors that muddled the

situation and to the unfruitful fruits

of our present reality

now clearly seeing how my life had

changed as a result of the pandemic

i could address the situation and my

emotional needs

i started by asking myself what i could

do to feel whole again

what i wanted my role in this world to

be what i wanted to contribute to and be

a part of

i asked myself what i truly wanted in my

professional

and personal lives and how i wanted to

strike a balance between the two

like petite bordeaux i had been tangled

in a knot and i needed to be gentle

and intentional in releasing my bind and

by stepping back

back into the vineyard i did just that

i could more clearly hear my thoughts i

had ample time and space to process my

emotions

there was no pressure to keep trudging

onwards when i was out there

and this action of stepping back was by

no means a hindrance

i ultimately made two three steps

forward

i regained my sense of efficacy and my

drive to take on new challenges returned

i had a better sense of who i was and

who i wanted to be

i started the fall semester feeling

strengthened and invigorated

i improved my emotional physical and

mental well-being

so now i ask all of you was this

not resilience sure i didn’t get an

internship

and i definitely didn’t take extra

classes and by no means did i create

some crazy startup with a breathtaking

ipo either but

i grew i became stronger

i survived i believe that all too often

just like those emails and linkedin

posts we mistake resilience for

unwavering strength

for the conviction that we must quickly

pick ourselves back up when we are

knocked down

and that we must keep charging forward

until we achieve our goals

and this misunderstanding isn’t

surprising

the confounding of resilience and

perseverance as discussed

is widespread in our individualistic and

capitalistic society

and it’s here that i would like to

reframe our understanding of resilience

true resilience is employing emotionally

intelligent skills

or in other words listening to how we

feel and responding appropriately with

the care

and attention we need true resilience is

practicing self-compassion

and attending to our psychological needs

it’s self-improvement and

self-strengthening through adaptive

coping methods

true resilience is not defined by brawn

nor is it defined by the accolades or

achievements we gain during trying times

this true resilience that i’m talking

about is known as psychological

resilience

the ability to protect the emotional and

mental self

so that one can work through adversity

this is a concept that many of us are

familiar with but don’t practice nearly

as often as we should

i mean i’m a psychology student and this

concept is not new to me

but it took the wrath of a pandemic for

me to internalize what it truly means to

be resilient

at this point i’d like to acknowledge

that i’ve been one of the more fortunate

ones

i recognize that many of the losses

experienced by others

far outweigh my own but regardless of

the differences and the hardships we’ve

faced

i hope that you may still find some use

on my message today

in the end 2020 was a year of

unimaginable losses for all of us

and we all responded differently for

better or worse

so i want to leave you with this note

the ability to be psychologically

resilient

is both necessary and attainable for all

of us

i encourage you all to find the people

the place or the activity

that helps you to relax reflect grow and

rejuvenate

being outdoors and working in the

vineyard was an important practice for

me

but if picking grapes all day isn’t

exactly your cup of tea

perhaps you can find strength or comfort

through art

music reading time spent with family

volunteering

therapy or anything else that works for

you

there isn’t necessarily a universal

solution for all of us

but there’s likely something out there

that can be your remedy

and to find that and to figure out when

you need it

i encourage you to look inwards ask

yourself

right now even what feels wrong what are

your unmet needs

and what will make you feel better you

may still feel the pressures to be tough

or to keep on fighting you may even feel

guilty for being

unproductive when taking time to focus

on your emotions

but the more you practice emotional

intelligence the more you will learn to

overcome that old definition of

resilience

and once you embrace what it means to be

psychologically resilient

you can fully provide your emotional

self with the care

attention and nourishment it needs you

will see that

stepping back is not a setback but the

preparation before you take a giant leap

forward

so please be kind and forgiving to

yourself

remember that you’re not some

productivity robot but a person

a social emotional being your mental

health is a key part of who you are

and if you’re burnt out you won’t be

able to get much further along

so don’t be afraid to take a step back

away from the heat of the moment

because in many cases it will allow you

to go even further in life than you ever

expected to

thank you