Find out the two friends you never knew you had

[Music]

it is a beautiful

summer evening

new haven connecticut

close to yale university in an

auditorium

just like this

and it’s packed with about 350 people

and it is a magical evening

because it is a celebration of a program

of that we were all part of we were

graduating and we could bring our family

and friends and it was a very exciting

evening

in this magical evening i decided to

bring

the woman that i loved

the woman

that i had graduated with gone to

graduate school and i had known her for

a few years

so i bring her to this event and

everybody’s sharing about themselves and

introducing themselves

and this magical evening i decided

that the moment was right

and something that i had been preparing

for

and i thought she was ready for

so i asked for the microphone

and yes

i go down on my knees

and i pop the question

will you marry me

silence i thought she didn’t hear it

so i go again

will you marry me

silence for what seemed like an eternity

and then after a long pause she goes i’m

not sure

what would you do

i felt like shrinking

and disappearing in the crowd

i didn’t know how to react

what would you do

how would you react in these type of

situations

as you think about this

the key question

is how do we create a space

a sacred space

in our lives when something happens to

and then how do we respond to it

because as viktor frankl said

this is a very sacred space

in how we respond to things that happen

in our life

in our choice we make lies our future

growth and possibility

now

how do you do this

right

it’s easier said than done we are always

reminded you know you can’t control the

things that happen in your life

but you can control your actions

but it is easier said than done how do

we do it life can be a struggle

you know it’s not you may not have these

type of situations when somebody rejects

you in front of 350 people often but

often on a day-to-day basis you know

something happens

and we get upset and we want to react

you know or

your plans don’t go the way like you

plan and it upsets you and you react

right in these type of situations how do

we make better choices what do we do

right

so before i tell you

what happened that evening

i want to introduce you to two of my

best friends

and i promise you once you meet them

they will become your best friends too

that’s what this talk is about

my two best friends are

ben

and bob

now we all have an inner voice

right we all have an inner voice that

talks to us all the time

and now there is research based on act

or acceptance and commitment theory and

cbt cognitive behavior therapy that if

you take this voice and give it a name

it creates a space it creates a distance

then it’s not you it’s not me and then i

don’t have to agree with everything that

she’s telling me

right so so what does this mean

let’s take a look at few examples right

so you have

cookies in front of you

and of course you are tempted and you’re

craving you want to eat those delicious

chocolate you know you want that you

want that right so you uh the ben is

telling you come on take two nobody’s

looking

right

and bob is telling you

that hey

later on you may not feel that good and

in the long term it may have you know

health impact and you may gain weight

right

uh you get an email

right and you want to respond to it very

quickly uh and in an angry way because

you didn’t like what he was saying so

you want to text you want to tweet but

bob is telling you what’s going to be

the consequence of your reaction

you want a gucci bag

bob is telling you do you really need it

you are looking at how many followers i

have how many likes do i have

how many profit we have made in this

quarter and bob is telling you what’s

the real connection is there any value

is there any impact

you see bob knows that everything has a

benefit

because you know

there is a benefit in front of

everything we do

but oftentimes this is a fake benefit

or a false price

so how do these imaginary friends help

me every day

they help me create a space or a

distance you see we all live in a bubble

and as humans we forget that we live in

a bubble so ben wants me to stay in my

bubble bob wants me to pull out of that

bubble ben wants me to reinforce my

biases bob wants me to take me out of

the biases

whenever i get in a tough situation i

always ask what would ben do and what

would bob do

here’s the thing i know as you’re

listening to this you’re thinking oh i

get this what he’s talking about is like

oh the

two angels on each shoulder the devil

and the you know angel right or but no

that’s not what i’m talking about that’s

easier the good and evil but here what

we are talking about is big

and bigger or good and better so

sleeping in the morning in your blanket

is good it makes you feel good but

getting up right and working out is

better

right texting to somebody and responding

very quickly

is good makes you feel good you get it

off of your chest but holding off is

better

not speaking up when you see something

is not right

is good because you will keep your job

but speaking up

is bigger

right

cleaning up trash is good but taking

that trash and making art of that

is bigger starting a business is good

but starting a business with a cause is

bigger you see everything in life has

this

we can use ben and bob in all of our

aspects of life

so how many of you

have arguments with your wives and

husbands or your spouses how many of you

have arguments

right so today

you know if you meet ben and bob it will

change

because but you know in any argument you

have a choice

you want to be right or you want to be

happy

ben wants to be

right bob wants to be

how did i discover ben and bob

my day job is strategy execution i work

with organizations and companies around

the world

and what i see

is that there is a big disconnect

between strategy and execution between

outputs and outcomes

everybody is busy doing busy work

but they don’t challenge themselves to

how does this connect

with the big picture of the organization

so we measure

things like what are my likes uh how

much you know profit am i going to make

in this quarter but the bob aspect is

how what are the outcomes what are the

outcomes that’s the benefit of the

benefit now

organizations that can connect this

strategy and execution because strategy

is all about

making choices making tough choices

that achieve bigger and better results

right so how do we how do we do that

that’s very rare by the way where

organizations can link strategy and

execution and link performance with

purpose but when that happens

it is magical

so let me share

one

organization that we are all familiar

with and i heard the story first when i

was working with teams at nasa

so this is a rare period in the 1960s

in during the apollo program at nasa

so the story goes something like this

there is a bathroom

and there is a janitor who cleans the

bathroom so he’s cleaning the bathroom

and involves somebody

and they notice that today the bathroom

is looking extra clean

so they say you know hey

thank you thank you for cleaning the

bathroom it’s looking beautiful

the guy looks up and he says sir i’m not

cleaning the bathroom

he says really he’s puzzled so he’s

asked what are you doing then he says

sir

i’m not cleaning the bathroom i’m

putting help a man on the moon

right

so you see in our organizations most of

the time what we’re doing is cleaning

the bathroom

we measure and reward people for

cleaning the bathroom

you know we we look at how many things

we can check off how many things we have

produced

uh uh how much how many followers how

many likes we have

but bob is asking what is the outcome

what is the benefit of the benefit now

you can really

push the bob and look for the bob of the

bob

which goes beyond outputs and outcomes

because that is more you’re thinking

about long-term reputation sustenance

your impact and legacy

that’s why companies like google

do not

care much about their quarterly results

because they are more focused on what is

the impact we are going to leave a

hundred or 200 years from now

as you’re listening you you might be

thinking i’m suggesting that ben is good

and bob is better

right not really

because you see ben has benefit right

and you can’t have bob without ben

right so how do we resolve this paradox

right between ben and bob they are not

good and bad they are good and better

big and bigger so there should be a

healthy choice

conflict and balance between the two you

see ben has his feet on the ground bob

has a head on the clouds

ben is focused bob is diffused

ben is looking for quick solutions bob

is making sure i’m asking the right

questions

ben is saying how can i quickly become

successful bob is saying how can i serve

how can i be more useful

so i know you’re thinking how do i

practice this

have you seen birds you know how they

eat

they they’re focused on the food that’s

in front of them right so they peck

and then they pause and see scan the

horizon to see who what are the

predators so they peck and they pause

they peck and they pause it’s almost

like they are alternating between ben

and bob ben and bob

how do we combine the best of these

to ben and bob right now there’s

research

of successful leaders from around the

world in multiple industries and one of

the things they found in the research is

that people who are very successful they

can take two opposing ideas

and bring them together and combine them

and integrate them and create something

that’s even better it’s like roger

martin said it’s not like you’re doing

one at the expense of other but you’re

combining the two to produce something

that’s better

let’s go back to that evening

if you’re wondering what happened that

evening

right

and i got rejected in front of 350

people

what did i do did i hide did i disappear

there were women coming up to me and

saying jack get rid of her i’m available

but you know what at that point i didn’t

have my ben and bob that developed but

there was a little bit of bob in me

so i persisted

and you know what

it took a while

but she

listened to her bob and finally she said

yes

now

now that’s fine but i want to show you

the outcome and impact of that

the picture i want to show you

was with my daughter

and my daughter nina

at her graduation

and that would not have happened

if i had listened to my ben that day

so some time back my mother-in-law said

you have one good quality

i said one she’s never said anything

nice to me

so she said i want good quality so i

said what what please tell me what is it

she said you forget things easily

and i didn’t know how to tell her that

i don’t know how to tell her that that’s

the reason i married your daughter

i hope

you enjoyed meeting my best friends ben

and bob

i hope they become your best friends

because they will help you

in any tough situation to ask the right

questions

to get you outside your bubble and to

make tough choices

i believe in today’s world more than

ever that more people need to understand

this distinction between ben and bob

especially if you are a leader a

politician or a ceo especially if you’re

struggling with

inside inward versus outward

long-term versus short-term

mindless reaction versus thoughtful

possibility

good versus better big versus bigger

i believe that if more people discover

their ben and bob

we will create a better space

and we will make this world a better

world thank you very much

thank you

[Music]

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