Speaking Without Apology

you know when i first learned that the

theme for today’s program was on

resilience

the first thing that came to my mind was

when my son was in second grade

i used to make him the most awesome

sandwiches for lunch cream cheese and

jelly

you heard me right i’m not talking about

cream cheese and jelly on a bagel or

peanut butter and jelly

i’m talking about cream cheese and jelly

sandwiches not toasted

he loved them until one day he came home

from school and he said mom

you got to stop making me those

sandwiches when i asked him why he said

the kids in school were saying it’s

disgusting they’re making fun of me

they’re calling me a weirdo now we’re

talking about a second

grader that isn’t able to be resilient

enough to enjoy the sandwiches that make

him happy

because he’s worried about what other

people think and as silly as that may

sound

when i think about resilience in my own

life i think about the smart

confident women that i’ve known in the

professional workplace

that are holding themselves back valuing

other people’s opinions above their own

and diluting themselves in their

communication

now this is a problem for all

professionals not just women but women

in particular

because of the lack of role models that

they have because of the toxic work

cultures they’re in

because they’ve been passed off for

opportunities even though they’re

churning out great results behind the

scenes

women in particular struggle with being

resilient

when they communicate if we can’t

communicate effectively in the workplace

we cannot survive communication is how

we get things done

it’s how we move from point a to point b

it’s how companies thrive in global

economies

and yet for some reason people still

have a problem

with communication when you think about

any key conversation that you’re in

if you’re not clear on who you are and

why you’re there in the first place

why would you expect anyone else to be

clear

today i want to talk to you about

speaking without apology because it can

change how you show up

exponentially in any given conversation

in any room

there is language which we are using on

a day-to-day basis

that is diluting our value speech

qualifiers that feed into the

sorry syndrome words that scream i’m not

good enough

i’m not good enough to lead a team i’m

not good enough to ask for more

compensation

i’m not good enough to break out and run

my own business i’m not good enough to

ask for help or for support

now as a disclaimer i will say this is

not based on academic research

this is based on two decades of working

inside corporate america and leader

coaching professionals in leadership and

communication

and i can tell you even to this day i am

still guilty of weak language where once

i catch it i have to swiftly turn it

around

let’s talk about three ways in which you

can start speaking without apology to

transform your communication

the first way you start speaking without

apology is to answer this one question

how do i want to be perceived how do i

want to be perceived

because the answer to that question will

dictate how others respond to you and

support you and whatever you’re trying

to achieve

in that room let’s talk about the word

just

let’s say you uh are working with

someone named deborah

who holds the keys to your projects

getting done your work has stalled

because you haven’t heard from deborah

and so you pick up the phone and you say

hey deborah

i’m just checking in to see if you had

some time to meet with me this week

i’m just calling now let me ask you are

you not good enough to meet with debra

is her time more valuable than your time

and how bad do you really want to meet

with her how about saying this instead

debra hi i got friday at 2pm open

let’s get something on the calendar and

lock it in or

feel free to suggest another time how

does that feel

a total different vibration first you’re

taking initiative

you’re in motion and you’re not

accepting no

lead them there are people in your life

that are waiting for you to lead them

subconsciously everybody wants to be led

everybody wants to be lit including you

when my car won’t start i am not the

girl standing in the auto shop talking

to the mechanic trying to figure out why

my spark plugs have to be replaced why i

have an oil leak

all i want to know is is it time for me

to get a new car or when can i pick it

up

right not my area of expertise lead me

tell me what i need to do

where i do want to leave however is with

my children i have a daughter i have a

son i want to lead with their education

i want to lead with my health and my

career

i just want you to know because here’s

what you need to know

i’m just checking in becomes catch me up

tell me how things are running

the second way you start speaking

without apology is to go with your gut

lead from intuition let’s say you’re

sitting in your client or manager’s

office and they turn to you and they say

so we’ve had a change in strategy we’ve

had change in direction

what do you think the action plan should

be what do you think we should do

well basically i had this idea which i

thought would work well

basically i thought you know so-and-so

is going out on maternity leave for a

few months and we’d love for you to

cover

do you think you can handle it i think

so

hold on do you think or do you know

how about saying this instead here’s a

solid solution here’s a solid plan which

i know will work

or on the coverage question you could

say what my son said to me when he was

just five years old

he was helping me online groceries from

the car to the garage and i turned to

him and i said whoa

those bags are awfully heavy do you

think you can handle it

and he said mom i’ve got this

you got this if in that moment you

feel from your gut that you can

accomplish something they’re asking that

you’ve never done before

feel free to squarely look them in the

eye and say i’ve got this

because you do you will always find a

way you will figure it out

you’ll go and call the person you need

to call you’ll send those emails right

you’ll do your research you’ll figure it

out

when you’re leading from your gut but

here’s where we get hung up

we have to know every single step by

step plan of action in that moment when

we’re put on the spot or we will freeze

and not speak up or worse show up with

weak language

when my father first came to this

country from italy in the 1950s he had

no

money in his pocket he spoke no english

and yet he raised

family we were four children we went on

good vacations we ate good food

i got a college education two degrees

how did he do that how did he provide

he kept knocking on doors to get the

blue collar jobs that nobody else wanted

when someone said to him gi bonnie do

you think you can handle it

chantamente of course i got this

you’ve got this speaking without apology

is action it’s movement it’s where

you’re leaving people called to do

something

because they place their trust in you

it’s also a very delicate balance

because we want to be polite

and agreeable and still be that

resilient leader we’re following

right we want to be as light as a

feather we want to have the answer to

every question that’s asked on the fly

and still be that rock speaking without

apology is also listening to your gut

without ever saying a word

we have all been in a room with that

certain someone who is sweet talking

about saying everything that we want to

hear

and deep down in our gut we’re thinking

you know what i don’t trust this person

they’re rubbing me the wrong way

and then we’ve also been in the room

with that someone who’s not saying

anything that we want to hear right

they’re not hitting any of the beats

and yet for whatever reason we feel like

you know what i feel good around them i

trust them

they’re going to get me the results that

i’m looking for i’m going to hire them

go with your gut if we’re being honest

this isn’t about the other person on the

other side of that phone call or on the

other side of that table

this is about you and how you see

yourself

and once you can lock in your mind the

potential that you have to create the

results that they’re looking for

the sky’s the limit energy flows where

intention goes the good news is that

people can feel your energy they can

feel your vibration before you even

enter that room

this gives you so much freedom to not

worry about the words that come out of

your mouth

go with your gut and the third way you

start speaking without apology

is to own your power now power is a word

that we’re sometimes uncomfortable

around

power is influence it’s not control

it’s sharing a thought an idea that

sparks action

in others it’s being a multiplier not a

diminisher it’s painting that picture

painting that vision and then letting

others plus those ideas to make them

even better than yours

it’s also owning other people’s value

instead of saying to someone do you

think you can help me with this putting

them in a place of

servitude to you how about saying you

know i can really use your advice i can

really use your expertise owning their

power

a rising tide lifts all boats let’s talk

about the word actually

you’re in a large meeting hall or

conference area and you have a question

you say well actually i have a question

actually i want to add something you

know what you can go ahead and ask your

question you don’t need permission

i guarantee you there are two or two or

three other people in that audience that

have the same question

just ask a question right remove the

word actually

or what about when you’re in a team

meeting and everybody in that room is

bobbing their head yes in agreement

except you you don’t agree with anything

that’s being said

well you know what sticking with that

apology is sticking your neck out once

in a while and saying

you know what we can keep doing x y and

z but that hasn’t been working so well

here’s what has to happen here’s what i

know will work

owning your power

deep breath in exhale

speaking without apologies also giving

yourself two seconds to think about

what do i want to say next or maybe not

at all

i’m letting radio silence loom above you

creating an uncomfortable awkward

silence wouldn’t it be great if we had a

little radar system that went on that

always told us when we had weak language

well you do you can feel it you know is

everybody walking on eggshells around

you lately

is everyone treating you a little

special it has you look inside and ask

yourself well hold on what’s going on

with me today how am i showing up

here’s how weak language shows up we

have a positive expectation in our

abilities

the confidence is there and that gets

trumped by

negative self-talk limiting beliefs

right the inner crow starts chirping in

our ear

now our physical body goes weak we are

getting sick

stress is setting in our health declines

physically we are lower than where we

were before

now our confidence level has dropped

we’re not feeling as good as we were

before

self-esteem is low now we’re showing up

with weak language

diluting our value

if you consider yourself a confident

person that knows their value that’s

great

but that’s not enough are you always

weaving it in

are you always projecting that you are

how do i want to be perceived

is it possible that the outside

is world responding to how you see

yourself

you become what you believe

speaking without apology starts with

your internal self-talk and trusting

yourself on the words that you should

say

align to who you are that authentic you

you can bend you can stretch you can

pause

but you will not break and

you can feel free to eat your cream

cheese and jelly sandwich

resilient don’t apologize for it

thank you