Speaking Without Apology
you know when i first learned that the
theme for today’s program was on
resilience
the first thing that came to my mind was
when my son was in second grade
i used to make him the most awesome
sandwiches for lunch cream cheese and
jelly
you heard me right i’m not talking about
cream cheese and jelly on a bagel or
peanut butter and jelly
i’m talking about cream cheese and jelly
sandwiches not toasted
he loved them until one day he came home
from school and he said mom
you got to stop making me those
sandwiches when i asked him why he said
the kids in school were saying it’s
disgusting they’re making fun of me
they’re calling me a weirdo now we’re
talking about a second
grader that isn’t able to be resilient
enough to enjoy the sandwiches that make
him happy
because he’s worried about what other
people think and as silly as that may
sound
when i think about resilience in my own
life i think about the smart
confident women that i’ve known in the
professional workplace
that are holding themselves back valuing
other people’s opinions above their own
and diluting themselves in their
communication
now this is a problem for all
professionals not just women but women
in particular
because of the lack of role models that
they have because of the toxic work
cultures they’re in
because they’ve been passed off for
opportunities even though they’re
churning out great results behind the
scenes
women in particular struggle with being
resilient
when they communicate if we can’t
communicate effectively in the workplace
we cannot survive communication is how
we get things done
it’s how we move from point a to point b
it’s how companies thrive in global
economies
and yet for some reason people still
have a problem
with communication when you think about
any key conversation that you’re in
if you’re not clear on who you are and
why you’re there in the first place
why would you expect anyone else to be
clear
today i want to talk to you about
speaking without apology because it can
change how you show up
exponentially in any given conversation
in any room
there is language which we are using on
a day-to-day basis
that is diluting our value speech
qualifiers that feed into the
sorry syndrome words that scream i’m not
good enough
i’m not good enough to lead a team i’m
not good enough to ask for more
compensation
i’m not good enough to break out and run
my own business i’m not good enough to
ask for help or for support
now as a disclaimer i will say this is
not based on academic research
this is based on two decades of working
inside corporate america and leader
coaching professionals in leadership and
communication
and i can tell you even to this day i am
still guilty of weak language where once
i catch it i have to swiftly turn it
around
let’s talk about three ways in which you
can start speaking without apology to
transform your communication
the first way you start speaking without
apology is to answer this one question
how do i want to be perceived how do i
want to be perceived
because the answer to that question will
dictate how others respond to you and
support you and whatever you’re trying
to achieve
in that room let’s talk about the word
just
let’s say you uh are working with
someone named deborah
who holds the keys to your projects
getting done your work has stalled
because you haven’t heard from deborah
and so you pick up the phone and you say
hey deborah
i’m just checking in to see if you had
some time to meet with me this week
i’m just calling now let me ask you are
you not good enough to meet with debra
is her time more valuable than your time
and how bad do you really want to meet
with her how about saying this instead
debra hi i got friday at 2pm open
let’s get something on the calendar and
lock it in or
feel free to suggest another time how
does that feel
a total different vibration first you’re
taking initiative
you’re in motion and you’re not
accepting no
lead them there are people in your life
that are waiting for you to lead them
subconsciously everybody wants to be led
everybody wants to be lit including you
when my car won’t start i am not the
girl standing in the auto shop talking
to the mechanic trying to figure out why
my spark plugs have to be replaced why i
have an oil leak
all i want to know is is it time for me
to get a new car or when can i pick it
up
right not my area of expertise lead me
tell me what i need to do
where i do want to leave however is with
my children i have a daughter i have a
son i want to lead with their education
i want to lead with my health and my
career
i just want you to know because here’s
what you need to know
i’m just checking in becomes catch me up
tell me how things are running
the second way you start speaking
without apology is to go with your gut
lead from intuition let’s say you’re
sitting in your client or manager’s
office and they turn to you and they say
so we’ve had a change in strategy we’ve
had change in direction
what do you think the action plan should
be what do you think we should do
well basically i had this idea which i
thought would work well
basically i thought you know so-and-so
is going out on maternity leave for a
few months and we’d love for you to
cover
do you think you can handle it i think
so
hold on do you think or do you know
how about saying this instead here’s a
solid solution here’s a solid plan which
i know will work
or on the coverage question you could
say what my son said to me when he was
just five years old
he was helping me online groceries from
the car to the garage and i turned to
him and i said whoa
those bags are awfully heavy do you
think you can handle it
and he said mom i’ve got this
you got this if in that moment you
feel from your gut that you can
accomplish something they’re asking that
you’ve never done before
feel free to squarely look them in the
eye and say i’ve got this
because you do you will always find a
way you will figure it out
you’ll go and call the person you need
to call you’ll send those emails right
you’ll do your research you’ll figure it
out
when you’re leading from your gut but
here’s where we get hung up
we have to know every single step by
step plan of action in that moment when
we’re put on the spot or we will freeze
and not speak up or worse show up with
weak language
when my father first came to this
country from italy in the 1950s he had
no
money in his pocket he spoke no english
and yet he raised
family we were four children we went on
good vacations we ate good food
i got a college education two degrees
how did he do that how did he provide
he kept knocking on doors to get the
blue collar jobs that nobody else wanted
when someone said to him gi bonnie do
you think you can handle it
chantamente of course i got this
you’ve got this speaking without apology
is action it’s movement it’s where
you’re leaving people called to do
something
because they place their trust in you
it’s also a very delicate balance
because we want to be polite
and agreeable and still be that
resilient leader we’re following
right we want to be as light as a
feather we want to have the answer to
every question that’s asked on the fly
and still be that rock speaking without
apology is also listening to your gut
without ever saying a word
we have all been in a room with that
certain someone who is sweet talking
about saying everything that we want to
hear
and deep down in our gut we’re thinking
you know what i don’t trust this person
they’re rubbing me the wrong way
and then we’ve also been in the room
with that someone who’s not saying
anything that we want to hear right
they’re not hitting any of the beats
and yet for whatever reason we feel like
you know what i feel good around them i
trust them
they’re going to get me the results that
i’m looking for i’m going to hire them
go with your gut if we’re being honest
this isn’t about the other person on the
other side of that phone call or on the
other side of that table
this is about you and how you see
yourself
and once you can lock in your mind the
potential that you have to create the
results that they’re looking for
the sky’s the limit energy flows where
intention goes the good news is that
people can feel your energy they can
feel your vibration before you even
enter that room
this gives you so much freedom to not
worry about the words that come out of
your mouth
go with your gut and the third way you
start speaking without apology
is to own your power now power is a word
that we’re sometimes uncomfortable
around
power is influence it’s not control
it’s sharing a thought an idea that
sparks action
in others it’s being a multiplier not a
diminisher it’s painting that picture
painting that vision and then letting
others plus those ideas to make them
even better than yours
it’s also owning other people’s value
instead of saying to someone do you
think you can help me with this putting
them in a place of
servitude to you how about saying you
know i can really use your advice i can
really use your expertise owning their
power
a rising tide lifts all boats let’s talk
about the word actually
you’re in a large meeting hall or
conference area and you have a question
you say well actually i have a question
actually i want to add something you
know what you can go ahead and ask your
question you don’t need permission
i guarantee you there are two or two or
three other people in that audience that
have the same question
just ask a question right remove the
word actually
or what about when you’re in a team
meeting and everybody in that room is
bobbing their head yes in agreement
except you you don’t agree with anything
that’s being said
well you know what sticking with that
apology is sticking your neck out once
in a while and saying
you know what we can keep doing x y and
z but that hasn’t been working so well
here’s what has to happen here’s what i
know will work
owning your power
deep breath in exhale
speaking without apologies also giving
yourself two seconds to think about
what do i want to say next or maybe not
at all
i’m letting radio silence loom above you
creating an uncomfortable awkward
silence wouldn’t it be great if we had a
little radar system that went on that
always told us when we had weak language
well you do you can feel it you know is
everybody walking on eggshells around
you lately
is everyone treating you a little
special it has you look inside and ask
yourself well hold on what’s going on
with me today how am i showing up
here’s how weak language shows up we
have a positive expectation in our
abilities
the confidence is there and that gets
trumped by
negative self-talk limiting beliefs
right the inner crow starts chirping in
our ear
now our physical body goes weak we are
getting sick
stress is setting in our health declines
physically we are lower than where we
were before
now our confidence level has dropped
we’re not feeling as good as we were
before
self-esteem is low now we’re showing up
with weak language
diluting our value
if you consider yourself a confident
person that knows their value that’s
great
but that’s not enough are you always
weaving it in
are you always projecting that you are
how do i want to be perceived
is it possible that the outside
is world responding to how you see
yourself
you become what you believe
speaking without apology starts with
your internal self-talk and trusting
yourself on the words that you should
say
align to who you are that authentic you
you can bend you can stretch you can
pause
but you will not break and
you can feel free to eat your cream
cheese and jelly sandwich
resilient don’t apologize for it
thank you