How mentoring could reduce school shootings

[Music]

good afternoon it’s great to be here

today i want to share with you a very

important lesson i learned

about school shootings and bullying

when i was 12 years old it all started

with the love note

there was a girl in fourth grade who i

had a crush on

and i finally got up the courage to

write her a note i decided to

put it under her desk at the end of the

day hoping that she would find it

the next morning that’s not how it

happened at all

the teacher decided to change the

seating assignment someone else said in

her desk

found her note read it gave it to the

teacher who read it in front of the

entire class

she was so embarrassed you need to know

this note it wasn’t your typical check

yes or no it was a bit more

and so when it was read in class she was

so embarrassed

she not only checked out of school that

day but i think she even changed

schools it was bad so i walked in

to school later that day i arrived a

little late and when i when i went in

and sat down all of the kids in class

they laughed they pointed at me

no one wanted to hang out with me no one

wanted to play with me that day even at

lunch no one would sit with me

except for this one guy and he ended up

being the only guy

to throw ball with me at pe too

so walking back in i asked him why he

decided to be so kind to me

and he said man i didn’t want you to go

through the day alone

i know how you feel they always treat me

this way

now i later learned that he looked so

differently

from the rest of us not just because of

his red hair

or the freckles but he was in a house

fire when he was

an infant even the younger kids in our

school made fun of the way that he

looked

elementary got better for him as he and

i remained friends but man

sixth grade no way sixth grade for him

was a nightmare it was a living hell

every day kids would make fun of him

push him in the lockers

this one time in pe i was shooting

basketball and i heard what sounded like

his voice

coming from the locker room so i go in

to see what’s going on

when i walk in there’s these three guys

who have him on the floor and they’re

just beating on him

i yelled for one of our coaches and i

went in and as soon as there was an

opening

i pulled i pulled him out and we got out

of there as quick as we could

he was beaten so badly he wasn’t able to

return to school the rest of that week

and i’m fairly certain nothing ever

happened to those three guys either

so fast forward to the last day of sixth

grade

field day it’s all you can eat popcorn

cotton candy drinks

we’re playing basketball football all

day it’s maybe 10 or 15 minutes before

the end before the bell rings for us to

go home for the summer we’re sitting at

the top of the bleachers

and all of a sudden out of nowhere

my friend stands up he reaches in his

pocket

and he pulls out a gun and he points it

in the direction of those three guys who

had been so mean to him all that year

nothing school really doesn’t prepare

you for this you know

and i look up at my friend and man

you’re you’re better than this you’re

better than these guys come on dude

let’s just go outside

let’s take a breath i mean sixth grade

right let’s just let’s cool out

totally surprised me when he takes the

gun and he puts it back in his pocket

and he followed me down the bleachers

out in the round on the way out i

motioned for one of our coaches

to come with us and

when we got outside i looked at my

friend and i said hey man do you have

anything you need

to say to coach and again he reached in

his pocket

he pulls out the gun this time he hands

it to coach

and coach put his arm around my friend

and they walked

off into the school past the cafeteria

that was the last time i ever saw my

friend

here’s the problem guys it’s 30 years

later

and this hasn’t gotten any better at all

as a matter of fact things have really

only gotten worse

and we and we see this through an

escalation through rise of things like

school shootings

of adolescent peer-to-peer violence of

social and cyber bullying it’s like our

kids

have no clue how to treat one another

much less how to treat themselves

because we’ve seen things like

teen suicide and self-harming also rise

and increase

and this is where i’ve spent the last 20

years of my life

to help students understand that they

have value

and they can enjoy healthy relationships

and

peer communities we’ve seen absolutely

astounding outcomes

as a result of the work we’ve seen in

schools

daily enrollment attendance go from

high 70s or low 70s high 60s to over

95 daily attendance more than a 20

percent increase

of daily attendance we’ve seen things

like

discipline referrals where a kid would

get expelled suspended or sent to

alternative school

we’ve seen those things decrease from as

many as 50 per month on campus at a

single school

to as few as two per month and so what

happens when kids

come to school and they show up and

they’re not getting in fights with one

another and they’re not walking around

in fear that they’re going to be bullied

well the learning process happens they

want to be there

and as a result things like standardized

test scores improve

across the board we’ve even seen like

the football team and the band get

better because kids

want to enjoy one another more

and today i want to share with you how

we do this it’s it’s really

very simple and anyone can do this

anywhere

we intentionally engage we go into

schools partner with them and

intentionally engage around 30 to 35

percent

of the student body we facilitate

group meetings for them a few times a

month 45 minutes

a meeting we give them an opportunity to

share things like highs lows peaks

valleys roses buds and thorns what’s

going on in your life

we train students to be group leaders

peer mentors if you will to see it among

them

we help them learn how to do things like

have a conversation

by asking open-ended questions we even

train

these students who want to serve their

peers in this capacity we train them to

make

handoffs to trusted adults

in the event of a traumatic situation

or some sort of other life-threatening

thing

which may be going on in their friends

lives so you’re probably thinking how do

you achieve

those outcomes with that method

you must only be using like the social

elite like the

the celebrities you know your high

school middle school celebrities on

social media and different things like

that

actually we’ve discovered that all

students all people if you will

all students have influence and when we

empower them

to intentionally engage their own

influence

and show up in the lives of their peers

to help

have authentic real conversations

amazing things can happen case in point

there was this one young man it was his

senior year

let’s call him david and david applied

to be

a peer group leader a mentor to his

peers

now david had been identified as

intellectually disabled and there were

some on campus even a couple amongst our

staff who

wondered whether or not david could do

it could serve as a

peer group leader after a few

conversations we decided man we’re just

going to give him the

shot he wants to do it after all right

so let’s let’s give him the opportunity

let’s go if he needs

added support we’ll provide that along

the way we’ll keep an eye on it

i’m so thankful we did the young man in

this group

the freshman boys in his group like they

came alive with the david

they had real like vulnerable

conversations they would

laugh it would all you would always look

in their direction for the chatter and

the commotion and they were right on

track with the content that we provided

for them to do david was so good for

that group of boys

but they were also good for him his

attendance was perfect that year

his grades that year his senior year

high school were actually better than

they’d ever been before

december of his senior year he was voted

on by his peers also by the faculty

to be student of the month i arrived on

his campus that day

he was the first one he came to me john

you’re not going to believe what

happened he was so excited he was

ecstatic

it was amazing to see

so now i think to just a couple of

months after that

it’s february 14 2018

the week before i’d been traveling

before work and

i wanted to surprise my wife by showing

up at her school where she teaches

and being there outside when she walked

out

and i get a message from a friend who

tells me that i need to

uh open up a certain live instagram

stream and so my phone was still

connected to the bluetooth

in the car and as soon as it came on

i heard gunshots i heard kids screaming

in terror and fear

it was an active school shooting

in that moment i couldn’t help as a

father to think about my own kids who

were sitting in a classroom somewhere i

couldn’t help but think about my wife

who was in front of a group of students

teaching

i’ve often reflected on the young man

who

perpetrated those crimes of just the

violence against his peers

i’ve often wondered how similar or

dissimilar

he was from my friend from fourth grade

i’ve often wondered how similar or

dissembler he was

from david the young man identified as

intellectually disabled but absolutely

crushed it is in your year

if this event

and if education gives us the

opportunity

for the collaboration of ideas

so that we can be better and add value

to the world around us

then now we have the obligation

to help our kids learn how to do life

together in more healthy relational

community

we have the obligation to empower our

kids and believe in them

so that they can be proud of themselves

and live amazing lives

thank you

you