Becoming a Superhero The Science and Power of Altruism

how many of you have ever watched a

superhero movie

how many of you have ever wanted to be a

superhero

how many of you think that you are a

superhero

long before i became a psychologist and

got involved in forensic neuropsychology

when i was in my 20s i was on a fast

track to becoming

billionaire tony stark aka iron man no

really

i believed based on what was going on in

my life that i was going to become

a real-life tony stark what happened was

the company i started with two others

had just won a government contract with

the department of defense to provide it

support

the contract excited me so much that the

night after we signed it

i went home and i got on the internet to

look at all the things i was going to be

buying for myself

a mega yacht a private jet to fly with

my very own island i was going to name

after myself

and an unlimited supply of beef jerky

all of these things and more

were coming my way or at least that’s

what i thought in that moment

and it’s funny how moments happen

because all it takes is for one moment

to completely reboot a lifetime of

thinking

that moment happened for me on my way to

dinner on an otherwise ordinary saturday

night

when i was making a left hand turn and

the 17 year old kid came screaming

through the intersection

i looked up midway through my turn and i

knew what was happening immediately

i knew that i was about to die

now something about the brain that’s

very interesting which we know from a

neuroscience research standpoint

is that when it perceives itself as

being an imminent danger it can

slow our perception of the environment

down for us we have data from veterans

of past wars who’ve experienced this

phenomenon and it’s kind of like neo

in the matrix when he was dodging those

bullets in slow motion

for me was maybe three seconds from when

that car hits me

my airbag goes off and i crash into a

telephone pole again maybe three seconds

but it might as well have been an

eternity

i could look down and i could see my

center console being crushed into my

ribs like it was an empty can of coke

i could look up and i could see my

shattered windshield and little bits of

it

floating through the air with the light

of the sun reflecting off it and

during i’m during the time of seeing

this i realize

that this is the end of my life and i

suddenly become overwhelmed

with a sense of guilt for a number of

reasons

guilt that i had become so focused on

material things

guilt that my parents are about to get a

call that i’m dead

and guilt that i only had two payments

left on the thing until i owned it

outright

now spoiler alert i survived

but as a result of the accident i

suffered a broken spine

nearly tore all the ligaments in my neck

and i suffered a number of severe

internal injuries

after months of recovery i was finally

able to go back to work but things were

never the same for me

everything felt different the world was

like a shade of gray

i kept working in that position for two

more years

each day feeling more and more

unfulfilled in my work and more

depressed in my life i

would say to myself this can’t be the

path that i meant to walk

especially not after that accident and

it all finally came to a head one day

when i just couldn’t take it anymore

i walked into work and i told my

partners that i quit

from that moment i went from working

upwards of 100 hours a week

to zero from the prospects of multiple

deals in the pipeline which would have

meant significant income

to nothing i had absolutely no

idea what i was going to do but i knew

what i was doing wasn’t working

and that something needed to change i

needed a reboot

now sometimes reboots happen physically

such as with my accident

and sometimes they happen

psychologically such as when i was

feeling unfulfilled in my life path

now i hope for everybody listening to

this that you never have to go through

anything like i went through but what

that accident did for me was it gave me

a chance

to take a step back focus on what really

matters and start to discover that

one thing that truly gave me a sense of

purpose

you see when we strip away all of

society’s expectations the

the rules those little voices in our

head whispering fear about how other

people might perceive you

or a lack of money what starts to reveal

itself is that one thing that you’re

meant to do

and who you’re meant to be now after i

walked away from my company i can tell

you that was

by far the lowest point in my life i was

severely depressed

filled with regret and i was ashamed

because i let down so many people who

were counting on me to be a big success

but mostly

i felt completely lost and i had no idea

what to do with my life

but everybody else already had a plan

you should go to law school oh you’d be

a great salesperson

why don’t you become a financial planner

none of those things did anything for me

but i told myself that i had to be open

to whatever possibilities came my way

no matter where they came from and for

me

it happened next to the bananas in the

produce section of my grocery store

i overheard two women talking about

their teenage daughters who were posting

inappropriate pictures on social media

and i just kind of interjected into

their conversation which was

uncharacteristic for me and i told them

i had a background in internet security

and i gave them

some tips and strategies that they could

use to keep their family safe

online and then they asked me to come

and share that same information

with their school pta now what they

didn’t know

is that i had been sitting home for

months at a time

doing nothing but feeling sorry for

myself

but i responded with yeah i think i can

squeeze that in

and so now i find myself speaking in

front of a bunch of parents and they

found the talk

really really helpful i didn’t have any

agenda here i wasn’t trying to sell

anything

all i was trying to do was be of service

but what i felt was good for the first

time in a very long time and it gave me

a taste of maybe what

could be when that talk was over this

guy comes up to me from the audience

who was on the local police department’s

cyber crime unit and he told me he

really liked what i had to say

he went on to tell me that i could say

things as a civilian

that he couldn’t in law enforcement and

asked me to team up

so now i’m speaking to parents and

educators

on how they can keep their families safe

online

and at one of those experiences a

guidance counselor comes up to me

and asked me if i’d be willing to mentor

a seventh grade

child who was having a lot of trouble he

was acting out there were problems at

home

and i said yes and we started meeting

week after week month after month

and things started to get better for him

things started to improve in his life

and now all of a sudden that little

cartoon light bulb over my head

is glowing really really bright and i’m

starting to figure out

that sense of purpose which felt

incredible now

one could make an argument depending on

what side of the coin you believe in

coincidence or fate

that i accidentally found what i’m

supposed to be doing

in large part just because i went to the

grocery store now there are those people

who know and have always known what

they’re supposed to be doing with their

lives they

pop out of the womb and they declare i’m

going to be an astronaut

and they become an astronaut but for

most everyone else

it’s usually far less clear

but through talking to those parents

about internet safety and volunteering

with this troubled teen

i learned an important lesson which

profoundly

changed my life and it will change yours

as well

and that is when you help others

you help yourself now hold on a minute i

know that’s

very cliche but the research actually

backs this up research has repeatedly

shown

that we are biologically hardwired to

feel good

when we help other people if i was to

hook up

real-time diagnostic imaging to any two

people watching this right now and i

gave person a thousand dollars in person

b

gave somebody else a thousand dollars we

could look and see what part of their

brain is lighting up

and you know what it’s exactly the same

it’s called the mesolimbic pathway it’s

an ancient mammalian system for rewards

and it’s associated

with pleasure in the brain so we’re all

very focused on our selfies and our

social media posts and that’s the world

we live in today right

but the truth is we’re biologically

designed

to help other people and we don’t focus

on that in our society at all

we need to especially now

when we help others we benefit from the

release of dopamine which is a pleasure

hormone

we also get the release of oxytocin

which fosters trust

and connectedness and there’s a large

body of research that suggests

that those that have a higher presence

of oxytocin in their system are

actually healthier their immune systems

are stronger

they miss fewer days at work and they

have improved relationships

this is phenomenal research and it’s

more critical today

than ever so now all of these stories

i’ve shared with you have led me to what

i’m doing today

mentoring that teenager gave me the

confidence to apply to graduate school

i earned my master’s in social work and

went on to obtain a doctorate in

clinical psychology

everything i’ve built since then has

shared the same mission

of helping others from the mother who

thanked me from helping her

child overcome a learning disability to

the young man

who wrote me to tell me that hearing my

story in my podcast gave him new hope

and convinced him not to commit suicide

every day i actually feel more like a

superhero than if i had become

tony stark because i get the opportunity

to help make a difference in the lives

of people

we all have moments that define us and

help us discover a true purpose

today the world is very much in a

process of rebooting and it’s giving us

all an

opportunity to step back reflect and

strip away the noise to find what really

matters

remember that the science shows us that

we are biologically predisposed to help

others and then when we do

we benefit physiologically and

psychologically as well

so wherever you are on your journey to

finding your purpose

make it a point to notice opportunities

to do something kind for someone else

and trust that

when you help others you also help

yourself thank you