A recipe for being yourself

[Music]

i’d love to live in a world

where every single person can be

themselves fully

and never feel the need to be someone

else to filter themselves

or hide bits of themselves to fit in

my idea is that to be our real selves we

need to spend

as much time as possible in the real

world

the unfiltered world with real

non-fictional people

it’s here that we learn to be confident

in our own skin and accept other people

as they really are

i’d like to offer three ways to learn to

be our real selves

first by minimizing the time we spend in

the filtered world

second by learning from real people

and third by practicing having courage

be yourself is a phrase you hear a lot

when you’re 12.

it seems to be one of the most common

pieces of advice from adults

particularly when you’re about to do

something scary like this thing

this thing i’m doing right now everyone

told me connie just be yourself

in fact whenever i’m in a situation that

is

unfailure that’s all adults ever say

a spaceship could have landed in the

back garden and i’m sure my mum would

tell me to just go out there

and be myself but being yourself

is not as easy as it sounds because when

you’re 12

there are so many options to choose from

so many cells to be

this time last year i was in year six

and

really nervous about going to secondary

school none of my friends from my old

school were coming to my new school and

i was

quite worried that i wouldn’t fit in or

make new friends

my parents told me not to worry just to

be myself

when i eventually joined secondary

school i loved everything about it the

classes the teachers

the food but i didn’t like how suddenly

i felt more self-conscious

more aware of how i looked how i sounded

how the children i hung around with felt

about me

suddenly i was no longer me

which is weird because of course there

was still me i just wasn’t myself

the issue is as soon as you hit

secondary school you’re trying to find

out who you are and what kind of person

others want to be friends with

the expectation is to be as wow as the

people we see

through the filters of snapchat

instagram whatsapp tick tock

it’s like having a wardrobe full of

identity jackets

i kept on trying out different jackets

to see which one fitted best

i tried on crazy i tried on cool girl i

tried on the

i don’t care but the problem was in the

first time a secondary school i often

felt like i’d left an important identity

jacket at home

for example in the playground i didn’t

always feel like be the self that clowns

around with my brothers at home

in the classroom i didn’t always feel i

could be the self that argues about what

i truly believed and felt

i started to wonder how to be myself

who even is myself maybe being me

is the one who just conforms and copies

everyone else

i don’t want to be the oddball but i

don’t want to be vanilla ice cream

either

i realized that in amongst all the new

identity jackets that hung up in my

wardrobe

my jacket the one that fits me best the

one that i liked the most

had fallen off its hangout was it a

crumpled teep on the floor

it was so tiring trying to fit in and

wear all these different jackets

that by the first time a secondary

school was over i was

exhausted i didn’t care anymore what

people thought of me as long as i didn’t

ever have to feel this way again

i took social media including whatsapp

completely off my phone within a few

weeks

it felt like i had so much more room in

my wardrobe again

i dusted off my old identity jacket and

hung it back up

it felt good to put it back on every

morning

yes i miss out on some social stuff but

i’m still able to text my friends and i

don’t really feel left out of anything

i just feel better

i learned recently that the word filter

comes from the medieval latin philtrum

which was a piece of felt used to strain

the impurities from liquid

it seems to me that it’s the same for

people we filter away all the bad bits

that we don’t want others to see

but if we don’t ever see other people’s

impurities and imperfections then how

can we

ever learn to accept our own

i recognize that taking social media off

our phones isn’t for everyone

that’s okay but what’s not okay is

constantly comparing ourselves to

filtered images and trying to be

something we’re not

we need to be comfortable with who we

are and who we will always be

this got me thinking about my second

idea

if the answer to being ourselves doesn’t

exist on the filters of social media

then who can we turn to for role models

as i’ve often done in the past i turn to

my trusty heroines from literature

surely they’ll have some answers first

i turned to juliet from romeo and juliet

she’s feisty and defied expectations but

she lost personal agency and killed

herself in yen because she couldn’t live

without man

then i turned to joe march from little

women so brave but no

she never learns to live in her own skin

hermione granger the cleverest witch for

age well

she is a true inspiration but she’s not

exactly the chosen one is she

that role falls to the boy and even when

we find a

perfect role model like steffi hadley

from nothing crosses or katniss everdeen

from the hunger games

they don’t make a lasting impression

because they are not

real they too have been filtered through

the eyes of the authors that brought

them to life

how can we compare ourselves to

superheroes without feeling miserable

and self-consciously ugly

how can we aspire to have aspects of a

fictional character if they do not

exist let’s

stop finding soul inspiration in

filtered or fictional characters

who we know deep down we cannot match

either because they’re trying to be

something they’re not or because they

simply

do not exist maybe we should try to

accept

that the basic mixture that makes us us

is nearly perfect it’s just about

topping up with different aspects of

real people

that we know exist and who inspire us to

be better

we all have a different recipe for being

ourselves

each with different ingredients that we

individually find

important here’s mine

i’d like to take a tablespoon of my

mummy’s friend susan’s confidence

the way she wear a short skirt not to

try to impress but because she likes her

legs

and because it was only 50p from the

charity shop

then i’ll take a cup of our family

friend dan’s patience

and a sprinkling of my cousin rebecca’s

kindness

i’ll take a large dollop of my two

brothers daring and creativity

a leader of my granny’s ability to keep

on going and continue fighting for what

she believes in

a handful of how my friends speak their

minds and tell me the truth

50 mils of my form tutor’s belief and

trust in me and my classmates

a pinch of my daddy’s inability to take

anything seriously

and a big squeeze of my dog bear’s

ability to be the very

best listener i want to keep topping up

my character as i get older

not to create a whole new self but just

a slightly stronger one

so that when i feel a bit empty or

deflated or lost

then i can look around me and borrow

some ingredients from real people

that i know exist and who inspire me to

be better

the chances are the things we like in

other people

are the things we like in ourselves as

well

because i think we know deep down who we

really are

that’s not the problem the problem is

showing who we really are

this is my final idea why do any of us

feel like we can’t be our real selves

i think i know why the simple

explanation

is fear fear that people won’t like us

for who we are

fear that our true colors are wrong

somehow

this fear can last forever if we don’t

pay attention to it and it can be really

dangerous

so if the problem is fear what is the

answer

well i think the answer is practicing

having courage

practicing looking someone in the eye

even when you might be

terrified when someone shows their real

selves by doing or telling you something

brave

and look you straight in the eye without

fear without shame that embarrassment

suddenly

that person just became transformed into

some kind of

superhero whether it’s the boy

who confessed recently to gang members

at my daddy’s school in central london

that he’s a fantastic ballroom dancer

or the girl who dreams of joining

special army forces

or the rugby player with homophobic

parents who comes out as openly gay

it’s doing it with gusto that is the

answer to showing our real selves

that’s why i’m here today telling you

what i think

even though i’m terrified i’m practicing

having courage

because if one person stands up and

risks being their true selves

others will do the same

so here’s my pledge i pledge to be

unfiltered

to turn to real people for inspiration

and to be brave enough to show my real

self

always thank you

[Music]