A recipe for being yourself
[Music]
i’d love to live in a world
where every single person can be
themselves fully
and never feel the need to be someone
else to filter themselves
or hide bits of themselves to fit in
my idea is that to be our real selves we
need to spend
as much time as possible in the real
world
the unfiltered world with real
non-fictional people
it’s here that we learn to be confident
in our own skin and accept other people
as they really are
i’d like to offer three ways to learn to
be our real selves
first by minimizing the time we spend in
the filtered world
second by learning from real people
and third by practicing having courage
be yourself is a phrase you hear a lot
when you’re 12.
it seems to be one of the most common
pieces of advice from adults
particularly when you’re about to do
something scary like this thing
this thing i’m doing right now everyone
told me connie just be yourself
in fact whenever i’m in a situation that
is
unfailure that’s all adults ever say
a spaceship could have landed in the
back garden and i’m sure my mum would
tell me to just go out there
and be myself but being yourself
is not as easy as it sounds because when
you’re 12
there are so many options to choose from
so many cells to be
this time last year i was in year six
and
really nervous about going to secondary
school none of my friends from my old
school were coming to my new school and
i was
quite worried that i wouldn’t fit in or
make new friends
my parents told me not to worry just to
be myself
when i eventually joined secondary
school i loved everything about it the
classes the teachers
the food but i didn’t like how suddenly
i felt more self-conscious
more aware of how i looked how i sounded
how the children i hung around with felt
about me
suddenly i was no longer me
which is weird because of course there
was still me i just wasn’t myself
the issue is as soon as you hit
secondary school you’re trying to find
out who you are and what kind of person
others want to be friends with
the expectation is to be as wow as the
people we see
through the filters of snapchat
instagram whatsapp tick tock
it’s like having a wardrobe full of
identity jackets
i kept on trying out different jackets
to see which one fitted best
i tried on crazy i tried on cool girl i
tried on the
i don’t care but the problem was in the
first time a secondary school i often
felt like i’d left an important identity
jacket at home
for example in the playground i didn’t
always feel like be the self that clowns
around with my brothers at home
in the classroom i didn’t always feel i
could be the self that argues about what
i truly believed and felt
i started to wonder how to be myself
who even is myself maybe being me
is the one who just conforms and copies
everyone else
i don’t want to be the oddball but i
don’t want to be vanilla ice cream
either
i realized that in amongst all the new
identity jackets that hung up in my
wardrobe
my jacket the one that fits me best the
one that i liked the most
had fallen off its hangout was it a
crumpled teep on the floor
it was so tiring trying to fit in and
wear all these different jackets
that by the first time a secondary
school was over i was
exhausted i didn’t care anymore what
people thought of me as long as i didn’t
ever have to feel this way again
i took social media including whatsapp
completely off my phone within a few
weeks
it felt like i had so much more room in
my wardrobe again
i dusted off my old identity jacket and
hung it back up
it felt good to put it back on every
morning
yes i miss out on some social stuff but
i’m still able to text my friends and i
don’t really feel left out of anything
i just feel better
i learned recently that the word filter
comes from the medieval latin philtrum
which was a piece of felt used to strain
the impurities from liquid
it seems to me that it’s the same for
people we filter away all the bad bits
that we don’t want others to see
but if we don’t ever see other people’s
impurities and imperfections then how
can we
ever learn to accept our own
i recognize that taking social media off
our phones isn’t for everyone
that’s okay but what’s not okay is
constantly comparing ourselves to
filtered images and trying to be
something we’re not
we need to be comfortable with who we
are and who we will always be
this got me thinking about my second
idea
if the answer to being ourselves doesn’t
exist on the filters of social media
then who can we turn to for role models
as i’ve often done in the past i turn to
my trusty heroines from literature
surely they’ll have some answers first
i turned to juliet from romeo and juliet
she’s feisty and defied expectations but
she lost personal agency and killed
herself in yen because she couldn’t live
without man
then i turned to joe march from little
women so brave but no
she never learns to live in her own skin
hermione granger the cleverest witch for
age well
she is a true inspiration but she’s not
exactly the chosen one is she
that role falls to the boy and even when
we find a
perfect role model like steffi hadley
from nothing crosses or katniss everdeen
from the hunger games
they don’t make a lasting impression
because they are not
real they too have been filtered through
the eyes of the authors that brought
them to life
how can we compare ourselves to
superheroes without feeling miserable
and self-consciously ugly
how can we aspire to have aspects of a
fictional character if they do not
exist let’s
stop finding soul inspiration in
filtered or fictional characters
who we know deep down we cannot match
either because they’re trying to be
something they’re not or because they
simply
do not exist maybe we should try to
accept
that the basic mixture that makes us us
is nearly perfect it’s just about
topping up with different aspects of
real people
that we know exist and who inspire us to
be better
we all have a different recipe for being
ourselves
each with different ingredients that we
individually find
important here’s mine
i’d like to take a tablespoon of my
mummy’s friend susan’s confidence
the way she wear a short skirt not to
try to impress but because she likes her
legs
and because it was only 50p from the
charity shop
then i’ll take a cup of our family
friend dan’s patience
and a sprinkling of my cousin rebecca’s
kindness
i’ll take a large dollop of my two
brothers daring and creativity
a leader of my granny’s ability to keep
on going and continue fighting for what
she believes in
a handful of how my friends speak their
minds and tell me the truth
50 mils of my form tutor’s belief and
trust in me and my classmates
a pinch of my daddy’s inability to take
anything seriously
and a big squeeze of my dog bear’s
ability to be the very
best listener i want to keep topping up
my character as i get older
not to create a whole new self but just
a slightly stronger one
so that when i feel a bit empty or
deflated or lost
then i can look around me and borrow
some ingredients from real people
that i know exist and who inspire me to
be better
the chances are the things we like in
other people
are the things we like in ourselves as
well
because i think we know deep down who we
really are
that’s not the problem the problem is
showing who we really are
this is my final idea why do any of us
feel like we can’t be our real selves
i think i know why the simple
explanation
is fear fear that people won’t like us
for who we are
fear that our true colors are wrong
somehow
this fear can last forever if we don’t
pay attention to it and it can be really
dangerous
so if the problem is fear what is the
answer
well i think the answer is practicing
having courage
practicing looking someone in the eye
even when you might be
terrified when someone shows their real
selves by doing or telling you something
brave
and look you straight in the eye without
fear without shame that embarrassment
suddenly
that person just became transformed into
some kind of
superhero whether it’s the boy
who confessed recently to gang members
at my daddy’s school in central london
that he’s a fantastic ballroom dancer
or the girl who dreams of joining
special army forces
or the rugby player with homophobic
parents who comes out as openly gay
it’s doing it with gusto that is the
answer to showing our real selves
that’s why i’m here today telling you
what i think
even though i’m terrified i’m practicing
having courage
because if one person stands up and
risks being their true selves
others will do the same
so here’s my pledge i pledge to be
unfiltered
to turn to real people for inspiration
and to be brave enough to show my real
self
always thank you
[Music]