It was just banter Group Chats and Sexual Violence

so

i read a book recently for an essay i

was writing for a gender studies module

last semester and it was called

reclaiming the f word feminism today so

there are a few chapters in this book

that really stood out to me but one

sentence that really struck home

violence against women can take many

forms forced abortions

female infanticide female genital

mutilation

child sexual abuse acid throwing forced

prostitution

and sadly the list goes on quite a while

longer as you can imagine

so i read this list a couple times over

out loud

but then i realized that this list was

missing something really personal to my

life and my friends lives

violence against women can include

violent banter on lads group chats

so you say the words the warwick rape

group chat to any student at this

university and it’s the same story with

each person

the social anxiety takes over the

student doesn’t know what to say

they’re really uncomfortable talking

about it because the topic slips the

back of their minds

i’m not going to lie i don’t blame them

any person in this audience who was on

this campus

both times the group group chat scandal

kicked off will know

how exactly how polarizing this event

was for everyone who witnessed it

don’t get me wrong i don’t want to stand

here and drag the story out even further

and make you feel sorry for me all over

again no

but in the age of hashtag me too there

is a much greater discussion to be had

and this this group chat scandal plays a

key role in this

and we cannot let this scandal slide

under the carpet the way it already has

but i’m sure there are some of you here

who don’t actually have a clue about

what i’m talking about

and lucky for you lovely people i’m

really desensitised to talking about

what i went through in this ordeal

but there’s a time limit on this talk so

i’ll give you the brief version

so we get to uni we’re in a big basic

group of keen freshers boys and girls

alike

come second year we’ve made some

incredible memories together

but already there are some really

worrying and violent rumors about some

of the men in this friendship group

floating around

and then next thing you know a couple of

these girls discover this disgusting

group chat

now there’s all sorts of nonsense on

there as you can imagine with lads chats

like edgy memes or football

football manager talk what really seemed

to be the hot and popular topic

were the sheer amounts of threats of

rape and acts of violence against us

women who were supposed to be their best

friends

so when the two women discovered this

chap naturally they were shook to the

core of what they were seeing

and who can blame them they couldn’t

they couldn’t keep quiet about it so

when they went to the men

the worst perpetrators the ringleaders

of this chat and demanded answers

they weren’t given answers instead these

men thought it would be really clever to

use the contents of the chat and

threaten the women with it in order to

keep their silence

but they couldn’t keep quiet as i said

so then the rest of us found out

to myself and a couple of other women

involved we didn’t want to believe any

of it at first in fact we were in

complete denial

i myself i tried rationalizing

everything i tried making excuses for

these men because i told myself

these are my best friends i know them

better than this

but then it became clear that the worst

of these men were not sorry

they didn’t even see them wrong in what

they had done in fact some of them told

us that we should have taken it as a

compliment that we were being talked

about in this way

and then it became clear that as i said

that these men were not sorry

but what remains so scary and so

terrifying about the very aspect the

very essence of this group chat

was how normalized this violent attitude

towards women was within the chat

the way the men constantly egged each

other on to make worse and worse and

more violent and violent threats about

us women who were supposed to be their

friends

and some of the men i must say there

were some men who witnessed the chat and

they were on it but they never they

never participated they never joined in

any of the jokes and i never got to say

this before

but when we confronted these men and

begged for them to help us get to the

bottom of the situation

these men they really helped us get

clarity on things they were completely

transparent and completely honest

and those men they know who they are i

just want to say we always

always be grateful for the help and the

help in getting to the bottom of things

so come june 2019 the warwick run

newspaper the warwick ball

wrote the story on the group chat so

everyone on campus knew about this

the two girls who found out about the

chat put informal complaints to the

university

and then the necessary punishments were

dealt with so in that time between

june 2018 and going into final year so i

was going on a year abroad

some of the other girls were too and the

rest of the women involved were trying

to get on with their lives and complete

their degrees

but in that time the university just

kept seeming to find new ways to mess

the situation up

so for example in the summer holidays of

that year the two women who put in the

complaints to university

in their investigations with the uni

they were constantly being dragged back

and forth onto campus through

endless meetings but in those meetings

there was a complete lack of clarity and

transparency about what the hell was

actually going on

not to mention they were constantly

gaslit about the validity of their own

testimonies their own truths

not to mention the fact that they were

actually made to read the countless

messages that these men were sending

about them they were

made to relive their trauma over and

over again

might also add in the fact that one of

the women actually had to sit a final

year exam

in the same room as one of the men from

the group chat

so come january 2019 i’m fully immersed

in my year abroad

those of you who know me well know how

much i loved my year abroad i do not

stop talking about it ever

but what you people don’t know is i was

actually suffering a severe relapse in

my anxiety and depression

and i developed bulimia as a result of

this trauma

so come january 2019 last year i get

text from my friends saying

oh my god nicole have you seen this and

again another article by the warwick

board saying

that the university were actually

planning on allowing two of the worst

perpetrators two of the ringleaders from

this disgusting group chat

to return to campus the next academic

year the very same year that myself and

several other of the victims were

supposed to be returning to complete our

degrees

now i’m not going to lie i remember

reading that i didn’t know what to say i

remember running to the toilets of

friday on a versatile berlin and

throwing up everywhere

apologies to the cleaner still but then

what i also noticed on social media was

one of the other women victimized in

this group chat

was taking to twitter going on a big run

as you will but she was taking to

twitter to voice her anger at this act

of injustice

and what remained so poignant about her

anger was the fact that she wasn’t going

to be returning to campus the next year

no

she would have graduated so in essence

she wouldn’t have had to come back and

face these men like the rest of us were

but that didn’t stop her from speaking

up and protecting the rest of us women

so i saw that i knew i couldn’t be a

bystander any longer and that’s when the

rest of us

took action and spoke up and the rest is

history as you can imagine

i mean you don’t need to imagine it’s

literally on the university’s wikipedia

page

so come december last term there was the

ucu strike going on campus

i was walking along the picket lines

along it not crossing it in the

metaphorical sense of course

and there was a particular picket that

caught my eye hashtag uni story

on a faculty board a head of faculty

said that the facebook chat was a

one-off unfortunate event

well whoever said that whoever head of

faculty whoever you are

you clearly have not been reading the

news very well now have you

need i mentioned a similar disgusting

group chat by the coventry uni men’s

cricket team

or the sheffield med student who made

disgusting comments about women on a

group chat with 200 plus members

or the very lovely infamous exeter group

chat that showed the very same brand of

racism and obsession with rape

that our own lovely group chat did need

i talk about the cambridge university

professor who was allowed to return to

his teaching position

in spite of several allegations of

sexual assault made against him by his

very own students

so i looked at these headlines and i

realized that this was all part of a

much wider phenomenon that seems to

plague

uk university campuses what is this

phenomenon

rape culture now what is rape culture

some of you might be asking yourselves

you’ve seen it in headlines and articles

on your news feed

and whilst it is easy to point your

fingers at the perpetrators alone since

they are the one

after all causing the pain and hurt this

phenomenon is way way bigger this

phenomenon goes way

way further than a bunch of silly lads

on a little group chat trying to one-up

each other with their edgy jokes no

rape culture are the laws that hold

women responsible for aborting a baby

that was conceived as the result of her

rape

rape culture is taking advantage of

someone on a night out who is clearly

too inebriated to make any rational

decision about their own body

rape culture is saying that a girl is

asking for it when she wears something

that you consider to be too revealing

rape culture is pressuring your partner

into having sex with you but telling

them it’s okay because you love them and

you would never really hurt them

rape culture is listing the girls in

your friendship group in the order that

you would like to pin them down in as if

it’s a sport you can get a medal for

rape culture is the dark corners of

popular online forums like 4chan

where incels fantasize about all the

ways they love to hurt and humiliate

women rape culture is the institutions

that allow perpetrators to continue

their violent behavior

in atmospheres where victims should be

the priority and

where victims should be safe and as my

favorite gender studies writer kristen

solay puts it

rape culture is the rape joke and the

audience that laughs along

now to be honest i could stand here and

go on for days about what i think rape

culture is

but everydayfeminism.com provides a

really really extensive list and what

they think

it is and to be honest i think you all

should give it a read

especially you university students i

wouldn’t be surprised if you witnessed

some of these aspects every day in your

university experience especially on this

campus

so as if the extent of institutional

bias wasn’t apparent enough to me in my

life already

last summer i got to work for a really

important organization

i remember getting there on my first day

and i was a complete awe of all the

feminist posters the think tanks and

networks

everything that was at my disposal to

make me feel safe i remember sitting

down i thought to myself

oh this is sick isn’t it you know what

everything that happened in my past i

can forget about it

maybe there is hope for women like me

just to get on with our lives in peace

in the workplace in the in the

professional world then next thing you

know my best friend from work tina

starts getting harassed by a male

co-worker

so first it started off as kind of like

your playful flirting we all thought

he’ll get the hint he’ll get that she’s

not interested he’ll leave her alone

but what started off as playful flirting

became making fetishization comments

about her skin color and her race

it became making sexual advances to

water in the office it even became

making homophobic

comments in front of our gay co-worker

and one day at lunch we just sat you

know trying to eat our sandwiches

talking about the weather and what

he thought would be a good idea to try

and touch her up

so as you can imagine she she couldn’t

stand for this any longer she was so

uncomfortable so we told her you know

what let’s just go to the managers

they’ll sort out i remember telling her

tina these are the big boys of the uk

they’ll sort it right out

this is a safe space so when she sat

down with one of the managers to voice

her concerns over this man

and i overheard this entire conversation

well eavesdropped

i overheard this entire thing that’s

what matters but then my friend was

continually blamed for the actions of

this man that made her so uncomfortable

she couldn’t come back into work for a

few days

she was actually asked things like why

didn’t you report it sooner

it’s not like he pushed you into a

corner and forced himself on you now did

he

now just just imagine this just imagine

this was a woman

asking my friend these questions this

was a woman

blaming my friends and accusing her for

the behaviors of this man

that had no respect for her had no

respect for any of us in this workplace

and this was a woman

making her feel like she deserved to be

treated in this way

this shows how people from all

backgrounds cultures identities

anyone can be a perpetrator of rape

culture but this shows how this

rape culture is crystallized even in the

highest ranks of our society so the

people who run our state our media our

economy they’re all

capable of being perpetrators and in

fact this rule bending is so pervasive

that keeping victims quiet and accusing

them and holding them to blame

is actually the easier more desirable

option than holding the perpetrators to

account because you know what it’s just

a bit it’s quite a lot of paperwork to

fill out at the end of the day isn’t it

so

as i said i overheard this entire

conversation and i sat there and i

thought

this is all a bit creepy now i’ve been

here before and i won’t be surprised if

many of you thought the same for example

how many of you in this audience

have been harassed or made to feel

uncomfortable by someone you know a

co-worker a flatmate

a colleague and then you told yourself i

don’t want to cause anyone trouble

i don’t want to make an issue out of

nothing nothing happened i can live with

it it’s fine

and sadly my friend ended up doubting

herself in this very way because of this

woman who made her feel guilty

so as i said i sat there i thought this

is all a bit creepy now i’ve been here

before i’ve seen this before

i immediately thought of the way my two

friends who put in the complaints to

university they were asking their

investigations things like

have you ever been in a relationship

with any of the men from the group chat

i was asked this in a counselling

session back in 2018.

just imagine this speaking on live radio

this time last

year a female presenter actually had the

nerve to ask me on live radio

whether or not i’d had sex with any of

the men from the group chat

as if our choice in romantic and sexual

relations meant we deserve to go through

any of that

as if it meant we deserve to have our

best friends make these disgusting

threats about us behind our back as if

we deserve to go through any of that

so yeah and that’s when it became clear

to me how widespread this problem is

i was even asked things at the time when

i first discovered the chat where the

people were closest to me the people who

were supposed to have loved me

i was asked things like you don’t think

they would ever really hurt you now do

you

i was asked things like it’s not like

they went through with anything they

said on the group chat did they

this all shows the systematic violence

that exists and the systematic violence

that forces victim victims and women

into submission and into keeping quiet

accusing victims and holding them to

blame for the actions of a perpetrator

is only ever going to remove

accountability

from the people who’ve caused this pain

in the first place

and we wonder why so many victims are so

terrified of speaking up about their

experiences it explains why so many

by so many of us women victimizing this

group chat were so reluctant to talk

about this for the longest time

especially when like i said the people

closest to me were asking me things like

this

i even have people online asking me

these kind of questions too and that’s

that kind of stuff is difficult to

ignore

but what these people will never ever

understand what they can even never even

imagine in fact what they can what they

will never experience the same way us

women did

was the fear that we had to live with

the fear that we were expected just to

deal with and just get on with and

having our best friends turn out to be

monsters like this behind our backs and

having people we trusted

just turned out to be just liars for

example

i nearly missed a final year german exam

a second year german exam sorry

because i was too scared i was terrified

to make the five minute walk from my

flat

to the bus stop because i was terrified

of the chance that i would have bumped

into any of these men i was terrified

of the retaliation i would have faced

because i spoke up

you know what there are people out there

there are people at this university who

i still have to face every day

who hate me and hate my friends and hold

grudges against all of us because we

took on the system and spoke up

and that small minority you know who you

are i have just one thing to say to you

you can keep your anger i hope it makes

you very very happy in life

but you’re part of the problem of rape

culture too and i hope that makes you

very proud of yourselves

now don’t get me wrong social media was

where this whole problem began it’s

where everything kicked off it’s what

started this thing in the first place

but social media also helped bring our

problems to light social media had our

voices heard in the age of hashtag me

too we’re living in it now as i said

unsurprisingly people were going to be

angry once we had our story put out

there once people heard our story

my two friends my two very brave friends

who took on the university

they never gave up in their effort they

never gave up in trying to protect us

not just us but every other victim on

this campus

and then i saw my friend taking to

social media and that’s when i knew i

couldn’t be a bystander any longer

so then my best friend heather and i

went on twitter going on our usual

twitter rants as you do

and started throwing around the hashtag

shame on new warwick as a joke

what we did not expect was to wake up

the next morning and see that our story

had gone viral

the hashtag had thousands of uses my

mentions were blowing up my dms were

flooded

which doesn’t happen often at all mind

you and

i had victoria derbyshire’s assistant

herself on the phone begging me to speak

on live tv and share my experience

now i’m not gonna lie i look back and

none of it feels real

i can’t even replicate the kind of

feelings i had back then i can’t even

imagine

what i was going through it feels more

like a black hole i was sucked into

without any control over what was going

on

everything was just happening in front

of my eyes and i just had no power over

it

the university had made their decision

to abandon us and let these men return

to campus and put us in danger

and we were expected just to live with

it just to act as if nothing happened

but for the first time people were angry

for us and people were angry with us

people were actually listening to us

now you have no idea how amazing

that type of validation feels when for

the longest time

you’ve been made to feel like as if you

had no right to feel the things you did

you’ve been made to doubt the validity

of your own truth you’ve been made to

doubt yourself

and people just start to listen people

start to care

you can’t imagine how amazing that felt

for us back then

because as victims stood together and

spoke up people

actually listened and people noticed and

people paid attention

social media was used as a tool to

humiliate us and degrade us in private

but it also became our very saving grace

in public

but don’t get me wrong i was terrified

at first so i spoke on the radio and tv

under the alias sarah

and i shared my story i was still

terrified i was terrified of the

backlash

of the retaliation i could face but i

was also terrified of the powerful legal

teams

and the money that protected some of

these men especially the men that had

more violent severe allegations floating

around about them

but when i spoke on tv and radio i knew

i wasn’t just speaking for myself

anymore

but i was speaking for any other woman

that those vile men

hurt both on the group chat and in real

life

and then something else also became

clear to me

i wasn’t just doing this for us anymore

but i was speaking up for any other

victim of sexual violence

at this university who have been failed

by this institution

and that became clear when the protests

went ahead on campus

now i remember sitting on the back of a

bus in berlin crying just at my phone

looking like a bit of a weirdo to be

honest

i remember just sitting there crying

because i saw all the hundreds of people

who turned up to show support for us the

students the staff alumni even parents

or some of my friends turned up to show

their support and voice their anger with

us

everything that happened in that time

walk back then showed what can be

achieved when people stop

silencing victims and actually just

start listening

and it also showed what can be achieved

when victims stand by one another in

solidarity and speak up together and

share their truth

now don’t get me wrong this this ordeal

was destroyed two years of what should

have been the best four years of my life

and i’m not gonna lie i can’t wait to

leave this place

but am i gonna let this violent

experience define me for the rest of my

life

no fair enough it has made me who i am

today it’s shaped the woman i’ve become

but i’m not going to let it define who i

want to be going forward in life no

instead i think the lessons i’ve learned

from this experience are going to be

what i take forward and to be honest i

think we all have something really

valuable we can learn from the right

group chat scandal

yes the system is flawed it’s so

incredibly flawed it’s so flawed i could

do another ted talk about it frankly

but we have to continue to hold it to

account

we have to continue to challenge it we

challenged the system once before when

the system was determined to see us fail

and when the system abandoned us

and since then the university have

committed to change they have committed

to

protecting their students better in

future we’ve we’ve already started to

see that promise come to light

but we have to continue to hold them to

that promise now

don’t get me wrong i am not an authority

on how to promote

positive intersectional care politics at

university i do not have a gender

studies degree

i don’t have a degree actually at all

but what i will say at the very least

what we can actually just start doing

something so simple

what we can start doing is actually just

listening to one another instead of just

trying to brush each other under the

carpet instead of just ignoring each

other

people listening to us women back then

made all the difference in our lives

when all hopes seemed lost and the

system abandoned us

if we listen to each other more in the

future maybe these systematic failures

might never ever happen again

thank you for coming to my ted talk

[Applause]

[Music]

you