Rewriting the Sexual Script

[Music]

in the next 12 minutes

in this ted talk i am going to take you

on a sexual journey

now let me tell you what it means in

sexual terms

if you are a woman you may not even have

time to experience a single orgasm

according to research the average time

it takes women

to experience orgasm following adequate

sexual arousal during intercourse

is 13 minutes and 41 seconds so it seems

like

we’re missing one minute and 41 seconds

now if you are a man in 12 minutes

you may be able to experience two

or can you according to research

the average time it takes men to

experience orgasm

from the moment of penetration and until

ejaculation

is five minutes and four seconds

however you may feel tired after the

first one

because men have what we call refractory

period

in simple words the time a man need to

recover

and recharge his batteries in order to

turn it on again

before i continue to talk about sex let

me introduce myself

my name is shelly varad i’m a certified

sex therapist

lecturer and entrepreneur in sexuality

and sex tech

surprisingly one of the fastest growing

industry in recent years we live in a

time that calls for innovation

regarding the bay the way we learn about

our sexuality

when content is available to us on

demand

through the internet it is not always

clear

that the information we read about sex

is too general and not necessarily

tailored to our sexual preferences

and abilities there are endless

of articles about sex on websites

online magazines and social media

they have attractive titles such as

how to last longer in bed or how to have

a better

or stronger orgasm and even how often

should couple have sex in a week

titles like this in a sense attract us

to read the articles

because we are seeking for approval yet

we may not realize

that they mainly focus on sexual

performance

in a goal-oriented way titles like this

which are

very common in a way implant

ideas in our mind about how sexual

intercourse should be

moreover pornographic videos

which are readily available online help

support these ideas

those videos create unrealistic

expectations

leading us to believe that the vocal or

physical responses we see

represent pleasure during sex

those videos in many of them

women show pleasure by being

very vocal when in reality

women who highly enjoy sexual activities

may show pleasure in a much more subtle

and lower vocal response and just like a

plot

in a movie script or a novel we are also

exposed to a specific

way to the way things to the core

something happened the action is rising

we hit the climax and then resolution

well there are many more ways to write a

story

when we think about sex we tend to view

it with one primary

leading sexual script let me show you

what i mean

we meet someone we find attractive we

may even be

in love we receive a clear message that

they want to have sex

which entails the need for sexual

consent

we then initiate or fix our first sexual

move which can be

a kiss we continue with what we call

foreplay which may include caressing

kissing touching massaging

and maybe even oral sex then we start

real sex we tend to spice it up a bit

with few sexual positions

two three tops

we then reach the highest excitement

level

the orgasm and

we’re out in the last few years

i received hundreds of messages from

people who sought help

as they felt that something in their

sexual script

deferred from what is expected just like

my client

who seek help at a sexuality and

relationship clinic

anna a 26 years old woman came to see me

because she lost her sexual desire

few minutes after the session started

she looked at me and said

please help me i can’t reach orgasm from

penetration

she looked down her voice was soft and

tears appeared in her eyes

i could see how much this affected her

as she couldn’t connect to her sexuality

josh a 38 year old successful

businessman who identifies as gay

came to see me because he couldn’t form

a serious relationship

he dates a lot yet every time

it get close to a sexual place he feels

insecure

when i asked him what led to his

insecurity

he tensed up and whispered that he comes

too fast

josh’s inability to control his

ejaculation

impacted his male identity and led him

to avoid

altogether sexual and romantic

relationship

maria and dave who are both 65

have been married for 30 years and have

three kids

they stopped having sex since they

claimed it takes dave

too long to get an erection and

sometimes it doesn’t last during the

intercourse

they had desire to have sex with one

another

yet they assumed they couldn’t enjoy sex

without penetration

the common sexual script can work great

for

some but it challenges many as it often

failed to acknowledge our natural

responses

and sexual preferences when i told anna

there was nothing wrong with her sexual

response

she looked at me with big wide eyes and

she smiled

according to research most women

experience orgasm

from external stimulation and not

through penetration

besides the only job the clitoris has

is pleasure and most women experience

pleasure by direct or indirect

stimulation to the clitoris

penetration can be a pleasurable act as

it can

connect to people from emotional and

physical perspective

nevertheless once we attach a goal to it

such as orgasm our thoughts and actions

are going towards that goal and they

distract us

from being present in the moment and

connect to

what we feel do you remember the time i

said it takes men

or women to experience orgasm

all right this is it so we all remember

it

it is great now please let’s all forget

about it

because avoiding measurement can improve

our ability

to enjoy sex men who tend to

think of premature ejaculation as the

inability to pleasure others are

excited to learn that

there are multiple ways to pleasure to

pleasure other people

when the foreplay become the main play

ejaculation time will be less stressful

besides a good sexual experience doesn’t

rely only on penetration as i explained

to maria

and dave it is also vital to learn that

over the years our sexual responses are

going to change

yet we can still have sexual desire

and enjoy sexual touch

anna josh maria and dave are of course

not my clients real names

but they represent the most common

scenarios and difficulties

i see at the clinic a good sexual

experience

has a huge impact on our self-esteem

mental health and relationships

because we all value these benefits it

is time

to look at sex through a new lens

and surely we have the ability to do

that

today when everything in our life become

personalized and technologically from

our shopping

to sport and music we have also achieved

the ability to apply this technology

to our sex life personal and sexual

behavioral program created by apps that

apply

smart technological tools such as

artificial intelligence and of course

personalization when you sign to an app

that apply these tools you’re able to

receive

information about topics the app find

most

interesting for you or that you might

want to read about to improve your sex

life

let’s take for example you recently

experienced a low sex drive and you wish

to improve it

the app can identify what you experience

by asking you few

questions about your sexual experience

your core needs and about you

you will then receive insight with

information about sexual desire

as well as recommendations about

programs

reading materials and video that will be

right for you just imagine

you can have a personal profile

on a sexual wellness app and that just

like netflix

it will match you with programs only in

this case

they will be related to your sexuality

to help you create your own

personal sexual script i hope it excites

you as much as it excites

[Applause]

me