Rewriting the Sexual Script
[Music]
in the next 12 minutes
in this ted talk i am going to take you
on a sexual journey
now let me tell you what it means in
sexual terms
if you are a woman you may not even have
time to experience a single orgasm
according to research the average time
it takes women
to experience orgasm following adequate
sexual arousal during intercourse
is 13 minutes and 41 seconds so it seems
like
we’re missing one minute and 41 seconds
now if you are a man in 12 minutes
you may be able to experience two
or can you according to research
the average time it takes men to
experience orgasm
from the moment of penetration and until
ejaculation
is five minutes and four seconds
however you may feel tired after the
first one
because men have what we call refractory
period
in simple words the time a man need to
recover
and recharge his batteries in order to
turn it on again
before i continue to talk about sex let
me introduce myself
my name is shelly varad i’m a certified
sex therapist
lecturer and entrepreneur in sexuality
and sex tech
surprisingly one of the fastest growing
industry in recent years we live in a
time that calls for innovation
regarding the bay the way we learn about
our sexuality
when content is available to us on
demand
through the internet it is not always
clear
that the information we read about sex
is too general and not necessarily
tailored to our sexual preferences
and abilities there are endless
of articles about sex on websites
online magazines and social media
they have attractive titles such as
how to last longer in bed or how to have
a better
or stronger orgasm and even how often
should couple have sex in a week
titles like this in a sense attract us
to read the articles
because we are seeking for approval yet
we may not realize
that they mainly focus on sexual
performance
in a goal-oriented way titles like this
which are
very common in a way implant
ideas in our mind about how sexual
intercourse should be
moreover pornographic videos
which are readily available online help
support these ideas
those videos create unrealistic
expectations
leading us to believe that the vocal or
physical responses we see
represent pleasure during sex
those videos in many of them
women show pleasure by being
very vocal when in reality
women who highly enjoy sexual activities
may show pleasure in a much more subtle
and lower vocal response and just like a
plot
in a movie script or a novel we are also
exposed to a specific
way to the way things to the core
something happened the action is rising
we hit the climax and then resolution
well there are many more ways to write a
story
when we think about sex we tend to view
it with one primary
leading sexual script let me show you
what i mean
we meet someone we find attractive we
may even be
in love we receive a clear message that
they want to have sex
which entails the need for sexual
consent
we then initiate or fix our first sexual
move which can be
a kiss we continue with what we call
foreplay which may include caressing
kissing touching massaging
and maybe even oral sex then we start
real sex we tend to spice it up a bit
with few sexual positions
two three tops
we then reach the highest excitement
level
the orgasm and
we’re out in the last few years
i received hundreds of messages from
people who sought help
as they felt that something in their
sexual script
deferred from what is expected just like
my client
who seek help at a sexuality and
relationship clinic
anna a 26 years old woman came to see me
because she lost her sexual desire
few minutes after the session started
she looked at me and said
please help me i can’t reach orgasm from
penetration
she looked down her voice was soft and
tears appeared in her eyes
i could see how much this affected her
as she couldn’t connect to her sexuality
josh a 38 year old successful
businessman who identifies as gay
came to see me because he couldn’t form
a serious relationship
he dates a lot yet every time
it get close to a sexual place he feels
insecure
when i asked him what led to his
insecurity
he tensed up and whispered that he comes
too fast
josh’s inability to control his
ejaculation
impacted his male identity and led him
to avoid
altogether sexual and romantic
relationship
maria and dave who are both 65
have been married for 30 years and have
three kids
they stopped having sex since they
claimed it takes dave
too long to get an erection and
sometimes it doesn’t last during the
intercourse
they had desire to have sex with one
another
yet they assumed they couldn’t enjoy sex
without penetration
the common sexual script can work great
for
some but it challenges many as it often
failed to acknowledge our natural
responses
and sexual preferences when i told anna
there was nothing wrong with her sexual
response
she looked at me with big wide eyes and
she smiled
according to research most women
experience orgasm
from external stimulation and not
through penetration
besides the only job the clitoris has
is pleasure and most women experience
pleasure by direct or indirect
stimulation to the clitoris
penetration can be a pleasurable act as
it can
connect to people from emotional and
physical perspective
nevertheless once we attach a goal to it
such as orgasm our thoughts and actions
are going towards that goal and they
distract us
from being present in the moment and
connect to
what we feel do you remember the time i
said it takes men
or women to experience orgasm
all right this is it so we all remember
it
it is great now please let’s all forget
about it
because avoiding measurement can improve
our ability
to enjoy sex men who tend to
think of premature ejaculation as the
inability to pleasure others are
excited to learn that
there are multiple ways to pleasure to
pleasure other people
when the foreplay become the main play
ejaculation time will be less stressful
besides a good sexual experience doesn’t
rely only on penetration as i explained
to maria
and dave it is also vital to learn that
over the years our sexual responses are
going to change
yet we can still have sexual desire
and enjoy sexual touch
anna josh maria and dave are of course
not my clients real names
but they represent the most common
scenarios and difficulties
i see at the clinic a good sexual
experience
has a huge impact on our self-esteem
mental health and relationships
because we all value these benefits it
is time
to look at sex through a new lens
and surely we have the ability to do
that
today when everything in our life become
personalized and technologically from
our shopping
to sport and music we have also achieved
the ability to apply this technology
to our sex life personal and sexual
behavioral program created by apps that
apply
smart technological tools such as
artificial intelligence and of course
personalization when you sign to an app
that apply these tools you’re able to
receive
information about topics the app find
most
interesting for you or that you might
want to read about to improve your sex
life
let’s take for example you recently
experienced a low sex drive and you wish
to improve it
the app can identify what you experience
by asking you few
questions about your sexual experience
your core needs and about you
you will then receive insight with
information about sexual desire
as well as recommendations about
programs
reading materials and video that will be
right for you just imagine
you can have a personal profile
on a sexual wellness app and that just
like netflix
it will match you with programs only in
this case
they will be related to your sexuality
to help you create your own
personal sexual script i hope it excites
you as much as it excites
[Applause]
me