Sex needs a new metaphor. Heres one ... Al Vernacchio

I’d like to talk to you today about a

whole new way to think about sexual

activity and sexuality education by

comparison if you talk to someone today

in America about sexual activity you’ll

find pretty soon you’re not just talking

about sexual activity you’re also

talking about baseball because baseball

is the dominant cultural metaphor that

Americans use to think about and talk

about sexual activity and we know that

because there’s all this language in

English that seems to be talking about

baseball but that’s really talking about

sexual activity so for example it could

be a pitcher or a catcher and that

corresponds to whether you perform a

sexual act or receive a sexual act first

are the bases which refer to specific

sexual activities that happen in a very

specific order ultimately resulting in a

scoring run or hitting a home run which

is usually having vaginal intercourse to

the point of orgasm at least for the guy

you can strike out which means you don’t

get to have any sexual activity and if

you’re a benchwarmer you might be a

virgin or somebody for whom whatever

reason isn’t in the game maybe because

of your age or because of your ability

or because of your skill set a bats of

penis and an nappy dugout is a vulva or

a vagina a glove or a catcher’s mitt is

a condom a switch-hitter is a bisexual

person and we gay and lesbian folks play

for the other team and then there’s this

one if there’s grass on the field play

ball and that usually refers to if a

young person specifically often a young

woman is old enough to have pubic hair

she’s old enough to have sex with this

baseball model is incredibly problematic

it’s sexist it’s heterosexist its

competitive its goal-directed and it

can’t result in healthy sexuality

developing in young people or in adults

so we need a new model I’m here today to

offer you that new model and it’s based

on pizza

now Pizza is something that is

universally understood and that most

people associate with a positive

experience so let’s do this let’s take

baseball and pizza and compare it when

talking about three aspects of sexual

activity the trigger for sexual activity

what happens during sexual activity and

the expected outcome of sexual activity

so when do you play baseball you play

baseball when it’s baseball season and

when there’s a game on the schedule it’s

not exactly your choice so if it’s prom

night or a wedding night or at a party

or if our parents are in a home hey it’s

just batter up can you imagine saying to

your coach oh not really feeling it

today think I’ll sit this game out

that’s just not the way it happens and

when you get together to play baseball

immediately you’re with two opposing

teams one playing offense one playing

defense somebody’s trying to move deeper

into the field that’s usually assigned

to the boys somebody’s trying to defend

people moving into the field that’s

often given to the girl it’s competitive

we’re not playing with each other we’re

playing against each other and when you

show up to play baseball

nobody needs to talk about what we’re

gonna do or how this baseball game might

be good for us everybody knows the rules

you just take your position and play the

game but when do you have pizza well you

have pizza when you’re hungry for pizza

it starts with an internal sense an

internal desire or a need huh I could go

for some pizza

and because it’s an internal desire we

actually have some sense of control over

that I can decide that I’m hungry but

know that it’s not a great time to eat

and then when we get together with

someone for pizza we’re not competing

with them we’re looking for an

experience that both of us will share

that that’s satisfying for both of us

and when you get together for pizza with

somebody what’s the first thing you do

you talk about it you talk about what

you want you talk about what you like

you may even negotiate how do you feel

about pepperoni not so much I’m kind of

a mushroom guy myself well maybe we can

go half and half and even if you’ve had

pizza with somebody for a very long time

don’t you still say things like should

we get the usual or maybe something a

little more adventurous okay so when

you’re playing baseball so if we talk

about during sexual activity when you’re

playing baseball you’re just supposed to

round the bases in the proper order one

at a time you can’t hit the ball and run

to right field that doesn’t work and you

also can’t get to second base and say I

like it here I’m gonna stay here no and

also of course with baseball there’s

like the specific equipment and a

specific skill set not everybody can

play baseball it’s pretty exclusive okay

but what about pizza when we’re trying

to figure out what’s good for pizza

isn’t it all about what’s our pleasure

there are a million different kinds of

pizza there’s a million different

toppings there’s a million different

ways to eat pizza and none of them are

wrong they’re different and in this case

difference is good because that’s gonna

increase the chance that we’re having a

satisfying experience and lastly what’s

the expected outcome of baseball well in

baseball you play to win you score as

many runs as you can there’s always a

winner in baseball and that means

there’s always a loser in baseball but

what about pizza well in pizza we’re not

really there’s no winning how do you win

pizza you don’t

but you do look for are we satisfied and

sometimes that can be different amounts

over different times or with different

people or in different days and we get

to decide when we feel satisfied if

we’re still hungry we might have some

more if you eat too much though you just

feel gross so what if we could take this

Pizza model and overlay it on top of

sexuality education a lot of sexuality

education that happens today is so

influenced by the baseball model and it

sets up education that can’t help but

produce unhealthy sexuality in young

people and those young people become

older people but if we could create

sexuality education that was more like

pizza we could create education that

invites people to think about their own

desires to make deliberate decisions

about what they want to talk about it

with their partners and to ultimately

look for not some external outcome but

for what feels satisfying and we get to

decide that you may have noticed in the

baseball and pizza comparison under the

baseball it’s all commands they’re all

exclamation points but I’m just a pizza

model they’re questions and who gets to

answer those questions you do I do

so remember when we’re thinking about

sexuality education and sexual activity

baseball you’re out Pizza is the way to

think about healthy satisfying sexual

activity and good comprehensive

sexuality education thank you very much

for your time