Listening to shame Bren Brown

I’m gonna tell you a little about it

about my TEDx Easton Talk I woke up the

morning after I gave that talk with the

worst vulnerability hangover of my life

and I actually didn’t leave my house for

about three days the first time I left

was to meet a friend for lunch and when

I walked in she was already at the table

and I sat down and she said God you look

like hell I said thanks umm I feel

really I am I’m not functioning and she

said what’s going on and I said I just

told 500 people that I became a

researcher to avoid vulnerability and

that when being vulnerable emerged from

my data as absolutely essential to

wholehearted living I told these 500

people that I had a breakdown I had a

slide that said breakdown at what point

did I think that was a good idea and she

said I saw your talk live streamed it

was it was not really you it was a

little different than what you usually

do but it was great and I said this

can’t happen YouTube they’re putting

this thing on YouTube and we’re going to

be talking about 600-700 people

and she said well I think it’s too late

and I said let me ask you something and

she said yeah and I said remember when

we were in college and really wild and

kind of dumb

she said yeah and I said remember when

we leave a really bad message on our

ex-boyfriends answering machine then

we’d have to break into his dorm room

and then erase the tape and she goes no

so of course the only thing I could be

able to say at that point was yeah me

neither

I thought that that yeah I don’t yeah I

mean either thank you to myself burn hey

what are you doing what are you doing

why did you bring this up have you lost

your mind your sisters would be perfect

for this so look back up and she said

are you really going to try to break in

and steal the video before they put it

on YouTube and I said I’m just thinking

about it a little bit

she said you’re like the worst

vulnerability role model ever and then I

looked at her and I said something that

at the time felt a little dramatic but

ended up being more prophetic than

dramatic I said if five hundred turns

into a thousand our two thousand my life

is over

I had no contingency plan for 4 million

and my life did end when that happen and

maybe the hardest part about my life

ending is that I learn something hard

about myself and that was that as much

as I would be frustrated about not being

able to get my work out to the world

there was a part of me that was working

very hard to engineer staying small

staying right under the radar but I want

to talk about what I’ve learned there’s

two things that I’ve learned in the last

year the first is vulnerability is not

weakness and that myth is profoundly

dangerous let me ask you honestly and

I’ll give you this this warning I’m

trained as a therapist so I can outwait

you uncomfortably so if you could just

raise your hand that would be awesome

how many of you honestly when you’re

thinking about doing something

vulnerable or saying something

vulnerable

thank God vulnerability is weakness this

is weakness how many of you think of

vulnerability weakness synonymously the

majority of people now let me ask you

this question this past week at Ted how

many of you when you solve ulnar ability

up here thought it was pure courage

vulnerability is not weakness i define

vulnerability as emotional risk exposure

uncertainty it fuels our daily lives and

I’ve come to the belief this is my 12th

year doing this research that

vulnerability is our most accurate

measurement of courage to be vulnerable

to let ourselves be seen to be honest

one of the weird things that’s happened

is after the TED explosion I got a lot

of offers to speak all over the country

everyone from schools and parent

meetings to fortune 500 companies and so

many of the calls went like this hey dr.

Brown we loved your TED talk we’d like

you to come in and

feet we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t

mention vulnerability or shame what

would you like for me to talk about

there’s three big answers this is mostly

to be honest with you from the business

sector innovation creativity and change

so let me go on the record and say a

vulnerability is the birthplace of

innovation creativity and change to

create is to make something that has

never existed before there’s nothing

more vulnerable than that adaptability

to change is all about vulnerability the

second thing in addition to really

finally understanding the relationship

between vulnerability and courage the

second thing I learned is this we have

to talk about shame and I’m gonna be

really honest with you when I became

like a vulnerability researcher and that

became the focus because of the TED talk

and I’m not kidding that I’ll give you

an example about three months ago I was

in a sporting goods store buying goggles

and shin guards and all the things that

parents buys this foreign goods store

about from a hundred feet away this is

what I hear vulnerability Ted

vulnerability Ted

yeah I’m a fifth generation Texan our

family motto is lock and load I am NOT a

natural vulnerability researcher so I’m

like just keep walking she’s on my six I

mean I hear vulnerability tad I turn

around I go hi she’s right here and she

said you’re the shame researcher who had

the breakdown at this point parents are

like pulling their children close look

away and I’m so worn out at this point

in my life I look at her and I actually

say it was a freaking spiritual

awakening and she looks back and does

this I know she said we watched her TED

talk in my book club then we read your

book and we renamed ourselves the

breakdown babes and she said our tagline

is were falling apart and it feels

fantastic

you can only imagine what it’s like for

me in a faculty meeting so when I became

vulnerabilites head like an action

figure like ninja Barbie but on

vulnerability Ted I thought I’m gonna

leave that shame stuff behind because I

spent six years studying shame before I

really started writing and talking about

vulnerability and I thought thank God

because shame is this horrible topic no

one wants to talk about it it’s the best

way to shut people down on an airplane

what do you do I study shame and I see

you you know but in surviving this last

year I was reminded of a cardinal rule

not a research rule but as a moral

imperative from my upbringing you got a

dance with the one who brung ya and I

did not learn about vulnerability and

courage and creativity and innovation

from studying vulnerability I learned

about these things from studying shame

and so I want to walk you in to shame

you me and a list called shame the

swampland of the soul and we’re gonna

walk in and the purpose is not to walk

in and you know construct a home and

live there it is to put on some galoshes

and walk through and find our way around

here’s why we heard the most compelling

call ever to have a conversation in this

country and I think globally around race

right yes we heard that yes

cannot have that conversation without

shame because you cannot talk about race

without talking about privilege and when

people start talking about privilege

they get paralyzed by shame we heard a

brilliant simple solution to not killing

people in surgery which is have a

checklist you can’t fix that problem

without addressing shame because when

they teach those folks how to suture

they also teach them how to stitch their

self-worth to being all-powerful and

all-powerful folks don’t need checklists

and I had to write down the name of this

its head fellow so I didn’t mess it up

here

Michigan Engle wale I hope I did right

by you I saw the TED Fellows my first

day here and he got up and he explained

how he was driven to create some

technology to help test for anemia

because people were dying unnecessarily

and he said I saw this need so you know

what I did I made it and everybody just

burst into applause and they were like

yes and he said and it didn’t work and

then I made it 32 more times and then it

worked

you know what the big secret about Ted

is I can’t wait to tell people this I

guess I’m doing it right now

this is like the failure conference

no it is you know why this place is

amazing because very few people here are

afraid to fail and no one that gets on

the stage so far that I’ve seen has not

failed I have failed miserably many

times I don’t think the world

understands that because of shame

there’s a great quote that saved me this

past year by a Theodore Roosevelt a lot

of people refer to it as a man the arena

quote and it goes like this it is not

the critic who counts it is not the man

who sits and points out how the doer of

Deeds could have done things better and

how he falls and stumbles the credit

goes to the man in the arena whose face

is marred with dust and blood and sweat

but when he’s in the arena at best he

wins and at worst he loses but when he

fails when he loses he does so daring

greatly and that’s what this conference

to me is about that’s what life is about

about daring greatly about being in the

arena when you walk up to that arena and

you put your hand on the door and you

think I’m going in and I’m gonna try

this shame is the gremlin who says uh

you’re not good enough you never

finished that MBA your wife left you

I know your dad really wasn’t in

Luxemburg he was in sing-sing I know you

there’s things that happen to you

growing up I know you don’t think that

you’re pretty enough or smart enough or

talented enough for powerful enough I

know your dad never paid attention even

when you made CFO shame is that thing

and then if we could quiet it down and

walk in and say I’m gonna do this we

look up in the critic that we see

pointing and laughing 99% of the time is

who us shame drives to big tapes never

good enough and if you can talk it out

of that one who do you think you are

the thing to understand about shame is

it’s not guilt shame is a focus on self

guilt is a focus on behavior shame is I

am bad guilt as I did something bad

how many of you if you did something

that was hurtful to me we’d be willing

to say I’m sorry I made a mistake how

many of you would be willing to say that

guilt I’m sorry I made a mistake shame

I’m sorry I am a mistake there is a huge

difference between shame and guilt and

here’s what you need to know

shame is highly highly correlated with

addiction depression violence aggression

bullying suicide eating disorders and

here’s what you even need to know more

guilt inversely correlated with those

things the ability to hold something

we’ve done or failed to do up against

who we want to be is incredibly adaptive

it’s uncomfortable but it’s adaptive the

other thing you need to know about shame

is it’s absolutely organized by gender

if shame washes over me and washes over

Chris it’s gonna feel the same everyone

sitting in here knows the warm wash of

shame we’re pretty sure that the only

people who don’t experience shame are

people who have no capacity for

connection or empathy which means yes I

have a little shame no I’m a sociopath

so I would opt for yes you have a little

shame shame feels the same for men and

women but it’s organized by gender for

women the best example I can give you is

Anjali the commercial I can put the wash

on the line pack the lunches canned out

the kisses and be work at five to nine I

can bring home the bacon fry it up in

the pan and never let you forget you’re

a man for women shame is do it all do it

perfectly and never let them see you

sweat

I don’t know how much perfume that

commercial sold but I guarantee you it

moved a lot of antidepressants and

anti-anxiety meds

shame for women is this web of

unattainable conflicting competing

expectations about who were supposed to

be and it’s a straitjacket for men

shame is not a bunch of competing

conflicting expectations shame is one do

not be perceived as what weak I did not

interview men for the first four years

of my study and it wasn’t until a man

looked at me one day after a book

signing said I love what you have to say

about shame I’m curious why you didn’t

mention men and I said I don’t study men

and he said that’s convenient and I said

why and he said because you say to reach

out tell our story be vulnerable but you

see those books you just sign for my

wife and my three daughters I said yeah

they’d rather me die on top of my white

horse than watch me fall down when we

reach out and be vulnerable we get the

beat out of us and don’t tell me

it’s from our the guys and the coaches

and the dads because the women in my

life are harder on me than anyone else

so I started interviewing men and asking

questions and what I learned is this you

show me a woman who can actually sit

with a man and real vulnerability and

fear I’ll show you a woman who’s done

incredible work you show me a man who

can sit with a woman who’s just had it

she can’t do it all anymore and his

first response is not I unloaded the

dishwasher but he really listens because

that’s all we need I’ll show you a guy

who’s done a lot of work shame is an

epidemic in our culture and to get out

from underneath it

to find our way back to each other we

have to understand how it affects us and

how it affects the way our parenting the

way we’re working the way we’re looking

at each other very quickly some research

by mahalik at Boston College

he asked what do women need to do to

conform to female norms the top answers

in this country nice then modest and use

all available resources for appearance

when he asked about men what a men in

this country need to do to conform with

male norms the answers were always show

emotional control work his first pursue

status and violence if we’re going to

find our way back to each other we have

to understand and no empathy because

empathy is the antidote to shame if you

put shame in a petri dish it needs three

things to grow exponentially secrecy

silence and judgment if you put the same

amount of shame in a petri dish and

douse it with empathy it can’t survive

the two most powerful words when we’re

in struggle me too

and so I’ll leave you with this thought

if we’re going to find our way back to

each other

vulnerability is going to be that path

and I know it’s seductive to stand

outside the arena because I think I did

it my whole life and thank to myself I’m

gonna go in there and kick some ass when

I’m bulletproof and when I’m perfect and

that is seductive but the truth is that

never happens and even if you got as

perfect as you could in his bulletproof

as you could possibly muster and you got

in there that’s not what we want to see

we want you to go in we want to be with

you and across from you and we just want

for ourselves and for the people we care

about and the people we work with

• dear greatly so thank y’all very much

I really appreciate it

you