Hows your social health Lets test it.

[Applause]

do you realize

that loneliness and social isolation

can be as bad for your health as smoking

15 cigarettes a day

think about that and it recently just

leap frogged obesity as the number two

killer

in the united states and yet most of us

we watch what we put into our bodies

what we eat or if we exercise

a lot more than we pay attention to the

people

that we let into our lives why

because most of us are under a delusion

that i am going to rid us of today

here it is we think that what we put

into our bodies what we eat or if we

smoke

affects our biochemistry more than the

things we experience

externally and that’s not true

the people the things and the contexts

around us

influence our physiology just as much as

the things that we consume

i studied this subject as a bio-social

anthropologist

that means i get to study how humans

have evolved

and how they’ve adapted over time to all

of their different environments

and that includes our modern man-made

environment and there’s one thing

that all humans across time

and throughout every culture they’ve all

shared it’s this one thing

it’s that humans are hyper social

from our infant dependency to our

extended juvenility to our

massive social groups humans

literally require one another for our

basic

survival

so much so that the human infant has

over 100 different adaptations

to get you to listen respond

love and take care of them it is not by

accident that babies smell so good in

fact

studies show that when a parent smells

the top

of its infant’s head

the reward centers of the brain light up

just the same as on

opioids but it’s also not by accident

that when a baby cries the human

feels awful in fact studies show floods

the system with stress hormones

and those stress hormones don’t go away

until the

crying baby has been quelled

so quite frankly the human parent is

hijacked

that relationship alters their

biochemistry

and when we alter our biochemistry that

changes how we feel

and how we behave and that ability that

susceptibility to one another

our body’s ability to adapt and respond

to our environments especially social

ones

that doesn’t go away as we age

so much so that most or much

of the experiences you face every day

are your body’s way of responding and

reacting to your social environment

via a series of hormonal rewards and

punishments

when we do something pro-social when we

find

significance when we feel like we matter

or belong

when we fit in or when we achieve social

capital we get rewarded with yummy

pleasurable hormones oxytocin serotonin

dopamine

endorphins we don’t talk enough about

this your body gives you natural

painkillers

when you do social things

but the opposite much like the baby

crying

is true as well when we don’t achieve

that significance

and that belonging and that status

when we feel alone and disconnected

the opposite happens as well

all that unpleasantness that social pain

so what do we do about it

well the first thing to realize is it

doesn’t even matter if these social

interactions

are real digital or even imagined

much the same way that a movie will

change the way our bodies or emotions or

even our sensations

feel a social interaction does the same

thing

so we need to start paying attention to

each

and every one

so how do we check in how do we know if

we’re socially healthy how do we know if

we’re in danger

or if there’s a threat i did some

research to figure out where’s our body

mass index for social health

where is a place where we can go to

figure out if we need more friends or

maybe

less turns out there isn’t one

so i invented it introducing things

introducing to the stage the social

health index

we’re going to start today by asking a

very simple question

how many close friends do you have now

don’t guess

i want you to really count who would

bail you out of jail

let you crash on their couch or pick you

up from an embarrassing surgery

how many friends do you have

now the next question is how many of

those friends

know your hopes your dreams your fears

your

failures and they love you because of it

all

how many people do you have like that

that’s your quality score

now i want you to put your fingers

together your two points your quantity

score

and your quality score and find the

point where your fingers meet

that’s what we’re calling your perceived

social

health score this is how you feel

about the number and depth of the

relationships

in your life

now if you’re in the green zone great

job that means you have a very healthy

social safety net that means if you hit

rock bottom fast

you would have enough people to protect

you and care for you

to have your back

if you’re in the yellow zone you’re

writing what i’m calling a social seesaw

that means sometimes it’s amazing

other times it sucks okay

and that puts your social health at risk

that means either you have a lot

of acquaintance like friendships but

they’re not deep enough

and followers do not count

or you have a couple of really close

friends

but not enough

and that puts your social health at risk

especially if you experience

a social threat a death a breakup or

even a hit to your reputation

you need that safety net in place

now if you’re in the red zone i want you

to listen closely

loneliness and social isolation are

matters of life

and death

improving and investing in relationships

does not get

easier the longer we wait

and it’s up to you to start investing

and improving those relationships now

because much like your favorite comfort

foods not all relationships are good for

your health

so now that we know how to check in with

our social health

how do we get into the green zone i’m

going to leave you with

three quick tips to get into the green

zone

the first one is very simple

every human needs at least one

emotional support human

this is the person that will tell you

that you

are the sun when you feel like your

world is falling apart

who is your person who is your emotional

support human find one

be theirs two this one is very

easy and it works every single time but

i cannot take credit for it

next time you’re with someone no matter

who they are pay attention to how you

feel

pay attention to the signals that your

mind your body and your emotions are

sending to you

do they spark joy do you want to spend

more time with them

do you feel natural and comfortable do

you feel safe both emotionally

and physically or do you feel heavy

tired constantly on guard

if so get rid of them

i’m just kidding you cannot throw out

relationships the way you can an old

t-shirt

but marie kondo’s method of decluttering

still

works for us to help us

determine the joy in the relationships

in our lives

be an internal joy meter because

ultimately when it comes to your

relationships only you can decide

how you feel so the next time you’re

with someone

pay attention if they spark joy keep

them close to text them

often find ways to meet up be there for

them

in their joys and mourn with them in

their losses

this is an important part of your social

safety network

now if you’re with someone and they

diminish the joy in your life

take a really hard look at why

when how often and even if

you need to spend time with them limit

the power

they have over your emotions and your

decisions

be respectful but set boundaries on your

participation

your time and your engagement if need be

put them at the periphery of your social

safety network

finally this third one simple two

you become who you are around our

beliefs and our behaviors

are contagious studies show from divorce

politics obesity to happiness

self-control all of these things

are affected by the people we are around

so i want you to ask yourself this

question

are the people i’m round the most the

people whom i’d like to become

i want you to listen to your doctor

because they are an

expert in the human body and to get

healthy they will tell you to eat

healthy

and exercise and i agree i want you to

listen to them

but i also want you to listen to this

doctor i’m an expert in the human

species and i am telling you that you

need healthy social interactions

daily to be healthy so your prescription

if you choose to accept it is to check

in with your social health regularly

make sure you’re in the green zone or

make steps to get there

invest in the number and depth of your

relationships

and try to spend the bulk of your time

around people who make you happy

because ultimately it won’t only

determine

how happy you are it will determine how

healthy you are thank you

you