Creating REAL Connection Breathing Life and Love into Your Relationships

have you ever had one of those days

where you just have had it and the

people around you haven’t been nearly as

supportive

as you know they should have been and

you get back to your house and you lean

back and you just think to yourself

oh my heavens life would be so much

easier

if there weren’t any other people on

this earth sometimes people are

difficult aren’t they

they have the power to really suck the

life out of you and they have the power

to give you breath the reality is

which one are they going to choose i’ll

never forget the first time i learned

that lesson

i was a young 21 year old emergency

medical technician

in salt lake city utah and not knowing

much about emergency medicine

but wanting to learn i went out on what

was probably my second or my third call

i’ll never forget the moment we went in

on a woman that was struggling to

breathe

probably having an asthma attack and as

i walked in i

saw in her eyes this fear this desire to

breathe

but she couldn’t get a breath i jumped

into action doing the few things i knew

how to do

checking vital signs and getting an

oxygen mask on her

meanwhile a paramedic that was with me

immediately put a brand new device

called a pulse oximeter on her finger

and i could watch as the oxygen was

working inside of her

and her oxygen levels started to go up

it was the most amazing thing in the

world i had just saved

a woman’s life for about a minute then

we put her in the ambulance got her in

the ambulance to take her to the

hospital

and enroute to the ambulance i watched

the pulse oximeter go in the completely

different direction

she was no longer getting the oxygen she

needed and i was terrified what are you

supposed to do

so i immediately checked the oxygen to

make sure it was flowing it was flowing

at the highest level it could

i then bent down and i listened to her

mask to see

if i could hear the oxygen coming out

could hear nothing but her struggled

breathing

didn’t know what to do so i ran my hand

down the tube to the mat

of the mask right to the wheel of the

gurney oh

somebody had put the gurney on top of

this poor woman’s oxygen tube i wonder

who that was

probably the other emt so i lifted the

gurney up

unkinked the hose of the tube leaned in

and i could hear the oxygen flowing

i had saved the woman again a second

time in just a few minutes

now here’s the reality i learned two

important lessons that day

number one i wasn’t a great emt at that

time and number two

i was starving somebody like a lot of us

we tend to kink the hose of the people

around us

we make it so they can’t get the oxygen

they need they’re struggling to breathe

and a lot of us aren’t even aware that

we were part of the problem

when it comes right down to it each and

every one of us can either give

or take the oxygen away from the people

in our most important relationships

think about it what is it like to be in

a relationship with you

what is it like to bring you difficult

news are you there and are you able to

see what i’m saying

can you hear what i’m saying do you feel

what i’m saying and are you with me

during my

difficult times every single one of us

needs this oxygen

in fact dr stephen r covey said when we

really understand another person from

their frame of reference

it is like giving that person emotional

oxygen

each one of us are craving that

emotional oxygen from the people around

us

and when we don’t get it we start to

starve and when we’re starved it creates

bigger and bigger problems for the

people around us we actually start

fighting and fighting and generating a

lot of smoke

in the space between the reality that i

found is it’s not that we’re bad people

that don’t want to try to do this

i think it’s more we don’t know how to

take care of the space between others

there’s a chinese proverb that perfectly

captures

what we should be doing and focusing on

in the space between

it says it’s not the bars that hold the

tiger in it’s the space

between the bars that hold the tiger in

it’s not the notes that makes the music

it’s the space between the notes that

makes the music

if you go to the zoo to the tiger

exhibit and when you get there there are

bars but the bars are four feet apart

i’d get out of there i would skedaddle

because you’re just an appetizer for a

tiger

you see bars are irrelevant if they’re

not spaced effectively

it’s not the bars it’s not the things

that make the difference in our

relationships

it’s what’s happening in between the

things that makes the difference

it’s not one spouse or another spouse

that’s the problem it’s what happens

between the two spouses

that’s the problem it’s not the parent

or the child that are the problem it’s

what happens between

the parent and the child that becomes

the problem it’s not a republican or a

democrat that’s the problem

it’s what happens between republicans

and democrats that create the problem

it’s the space between and none of us

pay attention to it but i want you to

know the space

is real and that it matters what happens

between you

and others matters and if you don’t take

care of the space

the space is going to start to create

problems for you

it starts to create what i call smoke

once the fight or flight kicks in

the smoke starts to come up in the space

between a perfect example of what can

happen in the space between and where it

gets clouded up with smoke

came between two of my clients mike and

carla many many years ago

they came in and they were literally on

the verge of divorce i asked him what’s

causing the divorce

mike immediately said a 400 purse carla

just bought a 400

purse it’s ridiculous nobody needs an

expensive purse

carla was mad she said it’s not a purse

mike it’s a bag

he said i don’t care what you call it

nobody needs an expensive bag

she said oh really how much was your

golf bag right then by the way

mike went deaf he couldn’t hear anything

and he’s like what what are you talking

about why are you bringing up my

my golf bag she said you just bought a

golf bag and i know it was a lot of

money how much did you spend

i don’t know it was three something

three what mike three what i don’t know

you spent 370 and you’re mad that i

spent 400 370 is 400. no it’s not it’s

370 and they went back and forth

and i’m sitting there thinking what are

they fighting about they’re fighting

about 30

when you’re fighting about how you round

a number you are in the smoke

all of a sudden mike came back with some

big retort to protect this

i need an expensive bag because i put

like 2 000 worth of clubs in the bag

oh boy i thought mike what a dummy shut

it just shut it

listen right then scariest moment of my

life in fact i can’t even remember all

the details

all i remember is right then carla’s

head spun all the way around

and fire shot out her eyes and she

talked like this

and she said you always did love golf

more than me

what’s the real issue do you see how the

smoke takes over

now i know you don’t ever do that but

some of your friends and neighbors do

the smoke kicks in and the fight or

flight takes over and we never get

anywhere

the number one killer of people in a

house fire is the smoke

the number one killer of the space

between is when we get caught up in the

smoke

instead of getting down to the fire the

smoke is everything that we fight about

that’s not the real

issue it’s the stuff that irritates us

it’s the stuff that separates us

it’s the stuff that suffocates us that’s

not the real issue

wherever there’s smoke there’s fire the

fire are the real relationship

issues that are at play every human

being has what i call the starved stuff

the seven basic needs that need to be

met we have to feel safe

trusted appreciated respected validated

encouraged and dedication

when those needs are met we feel like we

have oxygen

when those needs aren’t met we start to

suffocate and when you’re suffocating me

i’m gonna feel compelled to suffocate

you that’s what creates the problem in

the space between

the fastest way to cut through it is to

get real in the space between

get real is an acronym of the four

principles we all need to learn to bring

in the space between us and the people

we care about we need to learn to

recognize their emotion

every human being has emotion it comes

from the latin word emo vere which means

to move

our emotions are supposed to move us and

we as human beings are supposed to pay

attention

to the emotions of others when we

recognize their emotion

we can use those emotions to understand

the people better

but when we react to their emotions we

just cause more fight or flight

to recognize another person’s emotion is

like checking their vital signs

just like physically a person that can’t

breathe their body will show

physical signs of trauma and problems

emotionally our body does the exact same

thing

when someone is struggling with

emotional issues and we pay attention to

it

we can see that that person needs our

focus needs our care

and needs attention to truly connect to

another person is to recognize their

emotion

and when somebody knows that you

recognize their emotions

they know that you see them when i can

see you and not react to you

we can start to create a really powerful

space the second principle is to explore

their story

every human being that has an emotion

has a story behind it

many don’t want to share it because

they’re afraid or they’ve never had a

safe place to share it

but each and every one of us want to

have our voice heard

we want our voice to be in the

conversation when we explore another

person’s story we’re telling them

i hear you when i can share my story

with another and you can hear it

it does a bunch of powerful things that

clears the space up

it lowers my emotion because i get to

share my words

it increases your understanding because

you get to feel and understand me better

it helps you understand my past my

present and my future

many of our biggest fights in the

present are coming from unexplored

stories from the past

that have never been safe enough to

share we need to be able to hear the

people around us

by exploring their story better the

third principle is to attend to their

starved stuff

behind every single emotion and every

story there’s a starved issue

and human beings are craving to get

somebody

willing to go deep with them to

understand their needs

to truly understand another person’s

need is not necessarily a hard thing

it’s something we’re all wired to do

naturally every single one of us have

mirror

neurons which makes it so my brain

mirrors your brain and your brain

mirrors my brain

which when we get connected and attuned

to one another and i am dialed into you

i can feel what you’re saying i can feel

it inside of me

that’s why when you see somebody trip in

front of you you startle

that’s why when you see someone smile

you want to smile that’s why when

somebody starts to cry

you might feel the need to cry because

we are attuned

we are effectively one when i can step

down

and hold your most important needs and

understand them and be

influenced by them that’s what attending

is all about

and when that happens you know that i

can feel you

the fourth principle is to lift the

space between

every one of us has power in the space

with another person to either lift that

moment to a higher level

or lower it it’s up to us where we want

to take the conversation

so before you begin to enlighten

everybody with your brilliance

make sure first you’ve recognized the

emotion you’ve explored and attended to

them

then you can share what you really need

to share the power of sharing comes

because i can show you where we’re

together before i try to blow up your

idea i first want to show you where i’m

with you i believe of the biggest

issues we’re all fighting about in this

world if we actually sat down and talked

about it

we’d have about 80 percent agreement and

20 percent disagreement

and yet we spend 100 percent of our

debate where we don’t agree

can i just suggest in the space with

other people that you

always focus first on where you agree on

where you are together

wouldn’t that have been powerful if mike

and carla could have

recognized what the other was saying

what if carla could have recognized i

understand the purse seems like a lot

and what if mike could also agree

and admit and apologize to coming off as

strong as he did

what if they could have more deeply

explored what do you mean when you say

golf is more important to me than than

you help me understand that

do you see the power that comes when

you’re able to lift a conversation

in the end we are all struggling in the

space between

in the end we are all wanting to have

nothing more than somebody to see us

somebody to hear us somebody to feel us

and somebody to be with us

the reality is it’s up to us to make

that happen

an excellent example of what we can do

to create the right spirit in the space

between

is aesop’s fable of the north wind and

the sun

they were in this competition to decide

which element was most powerful

they devised this plan to see whichever

element could first get the cloak

off of this poor passerby would win the

battle

the sun went behind the clouds the wind

came out

got into the space between with this

poor man and just started to blow

and blew cold freezing wind down on the

man and the more the wind blew down on

the man

the more the man turned against the wind

the more the man held tighter to his

cloak

and the more the man fought against it

time and time again the wind could not

ever get the cloak off this poor man

until finally the wind gave up and went

away the sun came out

entered the space with the man and

gently warmly

started to influence the space with that

poor man

and took care of him understanding his

needs and gently

warmly recognized explored attended

and lifted and in so doing the man

finally got hot enough on his own accord

he removed his cloak giving the victory

to the sun

i believe truly in the end we all need

to be more like the sun

we need to bring that warm energy to the

relationships that we have

we need to see people more clearly we

need to hear people more holy

we need to fill people more sincerely

and we need of all things

to lift the conversations around us

think about it what would this world be

like if each and every one of us

could just lift one relationship how

much better could our marriage be

how much better could our relationships

and family be how much better could this

community be

it’s up to us so i challenge you please

think of one relationship

that you know needs more oxygen think of

one person that you know

needs to have their life elevated and i

challenge you to either share this

message with them

or on the sly start creating a safer

space for that person

i promise as you recognize their emotion

explore attend and lift

you will see a powerful change that

takes place i promise you that as you do

so

you’ll let your relationships breathe

thank you

you