Master of None Overcoming Self Doubt

the one

question that i keep getting asked is

what is it that i actually do for a

living

most of you have seen me in malayalam

cinema so for you

i’m apoorva bose the actor few know me

as a lawyer

fewer still as a human rights lawyer

and if you happen to glance through my

instagram profile

you might even think i’m a dance or a

singer

so this is perpetual confusion

surrounding what is it that i actually

even so i have found myself struggling

to answer the seemingly straightforward

question

but there’s one person who has

questioned this aspect of my life

way more than others and that’s me

myself that’s probably because i’ve

never really been able to associate

myself to just one single activity

it’s always been a juggling act between

all the different things

that i’m extremely passionate about

so in that respect i think i’ve always

been a jack of many trades

but never a master of one

but to accept myself as a master of none

has not been an overnight process

it has taken time this journey has

numerous highs and lows

and it continues to be a work in

progress

so today i’d like to share snippets of

this journey of mine

in the hopes that it resonates with at

least some of you

so let’s turn the clock back a notch i

grew up in a typical indian household

where my mother sent me for music and

dance lessons

even before i could walk or talk

properly

my mother was a relentless taskmaster

so she actually sat for music lessons

with me for a year

until i hummed my very first note

my grandmother or amumu as i fondly call

her

still tells me stories of my endless

sulking and crying before

every lesson honestly i just hated

waking up at four in the morning for my

dance lessons before school

and then music lessons after all i

wanted to do was to just sit at home

and play with my cousins and toys

i don’t know how and when all of this

changed

but then soon enough these things became

the best part of my day

and eventually an integral part of my

life

unlike music and dance i loved being in

front of the camera as a child

my father loved clicking photos of me

and i loved posing for him

so when a family friend asked my mother

if she’d be okay with me doing a print

am i readily agreed probably a bit

relieved knowing that this was something

i’d do without throwing a tantrum

and that’s how my modelling career began

at the age of three

happily eating ghee for a print

as i grew up i also developed a love for

theater and acting

there was something amazing about just

being on stage and transforming into a

new character and

instinctively feeling the pulse of the

audience

so all these different things the

theater productions the activities

the stage shows representing my school

for them

all these things they defined my

childhood

and looking back i don’t think i can

really imagine a childhood without

all these different things that i’ve

become extremely passionate about

now moving on a bit from here remember

how as children we were often asked this

question

what would we like to be when we grow up

i was asked this in third grade and was

asked to make a speech about it

so i confidently went up on stage and

said that i’d like to become a scientist

well this would have been an impossible

task considering how amazing i’m at

maths

and then when i was 13 or 14 this

ambition changed to that of a

neurosurgeon

well again i suspect this has something

to do with

me watching hugh laurie on house md the

point is

until a certain age this question never

really scared any of us

until high school

suddenly we were sent for all these

career counselling sessions and teachers

were stressing on the importance of the

upcoming exams in a career

and they were also telling us that these

extracurriculars needed to take a back

seat

well this was a bit confusing for me

because i was always that student who

did quite well in her academics

but at the same time i also love doing

the other things that i was passionate

about

multitasking actually helped me focus

better in my studies

i learned to manage my time more

efficiently as well

so why were these things suddenly termed

as distractions

so i did what came most naturally to me

when i got offers to do movies bang in

the middle of my examinations

i decided to go for it

well this wouldn’t have been possible

without the support of my family

but i honestly had a blast alternating

time between my studies and the film set

so basically all these different things

they were constants in my journey

but at the same time there were these

external pressures

constantly emphasizing on the importance

of a mainstream career

thankfully by this time i was quite

certain i wanted to pursue a career in

law

but i was also quite certain i wanted to

continue doing all the other things i

was passionate about

and that’s exactly what i did in those

five years

i interned at several places

i also managed to do it on three films i

worked in the parliament the united

nations

and also i managed to sing in a movie

i also secured a doordarshan

accreditation in bharatnatyam

but every single time in an interview

when i was asked this question

what i see myself as i drew a blank

i was just as confused as ever

i don’t think i realized at that point

that this seemingly straightforward

question

was in a way to sort of constrict

yourself in a certain role or bracket

it made you think that in order to be

successful

you had to become a master at one thing

there is natural progression that we’re

all sort of socially conditioned to

first you do your school then under

graduation

then you do your masters and then you

pick that one thing that you’re most

passionate about

but what happens if you have many things

that you’re passionate about

the next phase of my life was probably

the most

important decision that i have ever

taken

the decision to pursue my master’s at

the graduate institute in geneva

well this meant giving up the comforts

of familiarity that are associated to

amumus parampuri and hanging out with my

cousins in fort kuchi

and moving to a strange new place with

new people

new food and new cultures

but most importantly

this meant giving up all the other

things that i was passionate about

at least momentarily

so in one sweep i moved from cochin to

one of

one of the most cosmopolitan cities in

the world

geneva became home way faster than i’d

ever imagined

well i was exposed to different ideas

and perspectives from people

all across the world and received an

excellent education

from some of the most brilliant legal

minds in the world at the graduate

institute

i also developed a liking for human

rights and gender issues

which continues to be my area of

specialization in international law

but i think a large part of geneva

becoming home

had to do with how i continued doing all

the other things that i was extremely

passionate about

i started choreographing dances for

festivals

met a friend and started jamming and

creating music with him

traveled to different parts of the world

and i also did multiple photo shoots

the last lap of my masters came under

extraordinary circumstances

when the whole world was under lockdown

for the first time in my life i was not

doing multiple things

and there was no academic pressure

so in this vacuum i convinced myself

that my

future was uncertain

well i started getting these momentary

bouts of anxiety

and i brushed this aside as something

which was quite normal

until the second half of 2020.

i started waking up with a knot in my

stomach and

a lump in my throat and this was usually

accompanied by

feeling of despair

on some days i’d wake up convinced that

i had covered and would check my

temperature every few minutes

and on some other days i’d wake up

feeling extremely sensitive to sunlight

and would stay under my blanket

the whole day to make matters worse

i also started compulsively googling

what exactly was wrong with me was

this all in my head

or was i actually sick

to put the cherry on the cake i woke up

one day

with an intense ringing noise in my left

ear

and a hissing noise in my right ear

i waited googled some remedies

but there was no respite

and then began my consultations with a

slew of doctors in geneva

and i was finally diagnosed with

tinnitus

for those of you who don’t know tinnitus

is a condition

where you can hear noises such as

ringing and hissing

in one or both ears in the absence of

any external sound

well i honestly had never heard of this

before but it’s actually quite common

so what did i do i started googling more

and this honestly was just feeding my

own paranoia

so my condition is rarely an indication

of an underlying illness but at the same

time

it can severely deplete your standard of

living

imagine hearing this

or this

every second of your life

honestly the only thing i hoped for in

that moment was that

one moment of silence

everything else seemed insignificant in

comparison

out of sheer desperation i did something

which i probably had never thought of

before

i reached out to a friend’s therapist

my therapist who had incidentally also

been suffering from tinnitus

was an absolute godsend

though initially i seeked therapy to

understand

how to deal with tinnitus i soon started

introspecting the underlying causes for

anxiety and stress as extreme anxiety

and stress are also related to tinnitus

the breakthrough moment in my therapy

came

when i finally realized what was dormant

in me

all these years

my anxiety basically stemmed from my

fear

of failure

what if i’m never successful

what if i never make it

all this while i had my academics to

focus on

and now that i was no longer a student i

felt confused and stranded

but there was another layer that was

actually triggering this fear

and this brings me to the beginning of

my talk

the fear of being master of none

yes i was a purva boast the actor the

dancer the lawyer and the singer

but what if i just remained a purva boss

the actor the lawyer the dancer and the

singer

who was just merely average

years of social conditioning had led me

to believe that in order to become

successful

i had to choose that one career path

so my knee-jerk reaction to this

realization was to frantically start

looking for new jobs

though i already had one i started

applying for phd positions that i was

barely even interested in

but most importantly i stopped dancing

and singing

well to become a successful human rights

lawyer

i should focus on my career right

in this period of time i started

despising geneva

a place that i’d called home all i

wanted to do

was to just go back to cochin be with my

family and friends my

personal happy space

so when travel restrictions eased i

decided to go back to kochen

a naive part of me actually believed

that my tinnitus would just

magically vanish the moment i reach

cochin

well that was just wishful thinking as

my tinnitus was just as stubborn as ever

but there was a silver lining i started

doing

all the things that i was extremely

passionate about

i started dancing again i also started

singing again

did a bunch of photo shoots and even

read multiple scripts

and that’s when this realization hit me

my safe space had never been a physical

place it’s been all these different

things that i’m extremely passionate

about

this is where i went when i was sad or

happy or even confused

so if you’re somebody who’s a master at

something

then you’re there on a sure

determination

and talent and if that one thing defines

you

well then hats off to you but if you’re

somebody like me

and still hasn’t figured out what

defines you in this perpetual rat race

well take a step back broaden your

horizons

who says you have to be defined by just

one thing

who says that to become successful you

have to be the best at something

if you think you’re just average or just

decent and many different things

then let me assure you you’re perfectly

normal and just as awesome

let them all define you

so today my tinnitus is just as stubborn

as ever

but i’ve learned to embrace it as that

companion that warning system of mind

that tells me when my body is under

stress

that friend that we all need that tells

us to take a break

and just chill well tinnitus is that

friend for me

just that mine is more annoying than

most

yes i have days when i wake up with a

knot in my stomach and a lump in my

throat

but those days are short-lived as i just

take a break and maybe

jam with a friend

yes i’m still healing

and there are momentary lapses in this

journey

but i’ve learned to accept myself for

who i am

this is who i am i’m apoorva both

the actor the dancer the singer and the

lawyer

and so much more i’m tiny bits of an

actor lawyer dancer and a singer and who

knows

maybe tomorrow i’ll actually find

something else i’m more passionate about

and maybe along the way i’ll go from

being

a master of none to a master of some