The walk from no to yes William Ury

well the subject of difficult

negotiation reminds me of one of my

favorite stories from the Middle East a

man who left to his three sons seventeen

camels and two the first time he left

half the camels to the second son he

left a third of the camels and to the

youngest son he left a ninth of the

camels well three sons got into a

negotiation seventeen doesn’t divide by

two it doesn’t divide by three it

doesn’t divide by nine brotherly tempers

started to get strained finally in

desperation they went and they consulted

a wise old woman the wise old woman

thought about their problem for a long

time and finally she came back and said

well I don’t know if I can help you but

at least if you want you can have my

camel so then they had 18 camels the

first son took is half half of 18 is 9

the second son took his third 1/3 of 18

is 6 the youngest son took his 9th a 9th

of 18 is 2 you get 17 dad one camel left

over they gave it back to the wise old

woman now if you think about that story

for a moment I think it resembles a lot

of the difficult negotiations we get

involved in they start off like 17

camels no way to resolve it somehow what

we need to do is step back from those

situations like that wise old woman look

at the situation through fresh eyes and

come up with an 18th camel now finding

that 18th camel in the world’s conflict

has been my life passion I basically see

humanity a bit like those three brothers

we’re all one family we know that

scientifically thanks to the

communications revolution all the tribes

on the planet all 15,000 tribes are in

touch with each other

and it’s a big family reunion and yet

like many family reunions it’s not all

peace and light there’s a lot of

conflict and the question is how do we

deal with our differences how do we deal

with our deepest differences given the

human propensity for conflict and

human genius at devising weapons of

enormous destruction that’s the question

as I’ve spent the last better part of

three decades almost for traveling the

world trying to work getting involved in

conflicts ranging from Yugoslavia to the

Middle East to Chechnya to Venezuela

some of the most difficult conflicts on

the face of the planet I’ve been asking

myself that question and I think I’ve

found in some ways what is the secret to

peace it’s actually surprisingly simple

it’s not easy but it’s simple it’s not

even new it’s maybe our one of our most

ancient human Heritage’s the secret to

peace is us it’s us who act as a

surrounding community around any

conflict who can play a constructive

role let me give you just a story an

example about twenty years ago I was in

South Africa working with the parties in

that conflict and I had an extra month

so I spent some time living with several

groups of San Bushmen I was curious

about them about the way in which they

resolved conflict because after all

they’re within living memory there were

hunters and gatherers living pretty much

like our ancestors lived for maybe 99%

of the human story and all the men have

these poison arrows that they use for

hunting absolutely fatal so how do they

deal with their differences well what I

learned is whenever tempers rise in

those communities someone goes and hides

the poison arrows out in the bush and

then everyone sits around in a circle

like this and they sit and they talk and

they talk it may take two days three

days four days but they don’t rest until

they find a resolution or better yet a

reconciliation and if tempers are still

too high then they send someone off to

visit some relatives there’s a

cooling-off period well that system is I

think probably the system that kept us

alive to this point given our human

tendencies that system I call the third

side because if you think about it

normally when we think of conflict when

we describe it there’s always two sides

it’s Arabs Erza’s Israelis labor versus

management husband versus wife

Republicans are is as Democrats but what

we don’t often see is that there’s

always a third side and the third side

of the conflict is us it’s the

surrounding community it’s the friends

the allies the family members the

neighbors and we can play an incredibly

constructive role perhaps the most

fundamental way in which the third side

can help is to remind the parties of

what’s really at stake you know for the

sake of the kids for the sake of the

family for the sake of the community for

the sake of the future let’s stop

fighting for a moment and start talking

because the thing is when we’re involved

in conflict it’s very easy to lose

perspective it’s very easy to react

human beings were reaction machines and

as the saying goes when angry you will

make the best speech you will ever

regret

and so the third side reminds us that

the third side helps us go to the

balcony which is a metaphor for a place

of perspective where we can keep our

eyes on the prize let me tell you a

little story from my own negotiating

experience some years ago I was involved

as a facilitator in some very tough

talks between the leaders of Russia and

the leaders of Chechnya there was a war

going on as you know and we met in The

Hague in the Peace Palace in the same

room where the Yugoslav war crimes

tribunal was taking place and the talks

got off to a rather rocky start when the

vice president of Chechnya began by

pointing at the Russians and said you

should stay right here in your seats

because you’re going to be on trial for

war crimes and then he went on and he

turned to me and said you’re an American

look at what you Americans are doing in

Puerto Rico and my mind was started

racing

Frederico would I know about Puerto Rico

I started reacting but then I tried to

remember to go to the balcony and then

when he paused and everyone looked at me

for a response from a balcony

perspective I was able to thank him for

his remarks and say I appreciate your

criticism of my country and I take it as

a sign that were among friends and can

speak candidly to one another and what

we’re here to do is not to talk about

Puerto Rico or the past we’re here to do

just to see if we can figure out a way

to stop the suffering in the bloodshed

in Chechnya the conversation got back on

track that’s the role of the third side

is to help the parties go to the balcony

now let me take you for a moment to

what’s why the regard is the world’s

most difficult conflict the most

impossible conflict is the Middle East

question is where’s the third side there

how could we possibly go to the balcony

now I don’t pretend to have an answer to

the Middle East conflict but I think

I’ve got a first step literally a first

step something that any one of us could

do is third ciders let me just ask you

one question first how many of you in

the last years have ever found yourself

worrying about the Middle East and

wondering what anyone could do just just

out of curiosity how many of you

okay so the great majority of us and

here it’s so far away why do we pay so

much attention to this conflict is it

the number of deaths there are hundred

times more people who die in a conflict

in Africa than in the Middle East no

it’s because of the story because we

feel personally involved in that story

whether we’re Christians Muslims or Jews

religious or non-religious we feel we

have a personal stake in it stories

matter as an anthropologist I know that

stories are what we use to transmit

knowledge they give meaning to our lives

that’s what we tell here at Ted we tell

stories stories are the key and so my

question is is yes let’s try and resolve

the politics there in the Middle East

but let’s also take a look at the story

let’s try to get at the root of what

it’s all about let’s see if we can apply

the third side to it what would that

mean what is the story there now as

anthropologists we know that every

culture has an origin story what’s the

origin story of the Middle East in a

phrase it’s four thousand years ago a

man and his family walked across the

Middle East and the world has never been

the same since that man of course was

Abraham and what he stood for was unity

the unity of the family he’s the father

of us all but it’s not just what he

stood for it’s what his message was his

basic message was unity to the

interconnectedness of it all the unity

of it all and his basic value was

respect was kindness toward strangers

that’s what he’s known for his

hospitality so in that sense he’s the

symbolic third side of the Middle East

he’s the one who reminds us that we’re

all part of a greater whole now how

would you now think about that for a

moment we today we face a scourge of

terrorism what is terrorism terrorism is

basically taking an innocent stranger

and treating them as an enemy whom you

kill in order to create fear what’s the

opposite of terrorism

it’s taking an innocent stranger and

treating them as a friend whom you

welcomed into your home in order to sew

and create understanding or respect or

love so what if then you took the story

of Abraham which is a third side story

what if that could be actually an act

because Abraham stands for hospitality

what if that could be an antidote to

terrorism what if that could be a

vaccine against religious intolerance

how would you bring that story to life

now it’s not enough just to tell a story

that’s powerful but people need to

experience the story they need to be

able to live the story how would you do

that and that was my thinking of how

would you do that and that’s what comes

to the first step here because the

simple way to do that is you go for a

walk you go for a walk in the footsteps

of Abraham you retrace the footsteps of

Abraham because walking has a real power

you know as an anthropologist walking is

what made us human walking it’s funny

when you walk you walk side by side in

the same common direction now if I were

to come to you face to face and come

this close to you you would feel

threatened but if I walk

shoulder-to-shoulder even touching

shoulders it’s no problem who fights why

they walk that’s why in negotiations

often when things get tough people go

for walks in the woods so the idea came

to me of what about inspiring a path our

route think the Silk Route think the

Appalachian Trail that followed in the

footsteps of Abraham people said that’s

crazy you can’t you can’t retrace the

footsteps of Abraham this too insecure

you get across all these borders goes

across ten different countries in the

Middle East because it unites them all

and so we studied the idea at Harvard we

did our due diligence and then a few

years ago a group of us about 25 of us

from 10 different countries decided to

see if we could retrace the footsteps of

Abraham going from his official

birthplace in the city oofah in southern

turkey northern

hey Mia and we then took a bus and took

some walks and went to her on we’re in

the Bible he sets off on his journey

then we crossed the border into Syria

went to Aleppo which turns out is named

after Abraham we went to Damascus which

has a long history associated with

Abraham we then came to northern Jordan

to Jerusalem which is all about Abraham

to Bethlehem and finally to the place

where he’s buried

in Hebron so effectively we went from

womb to tomb we showed it could be done

it was an amazing journey let me ask you

a question how many of you have had the

experience of being in a strange

neighborhood or strange land and a total

stranger perfect stranger comes up to

you and shows you some kindness maybe

invite you into their home gives you a

drink if you a coffee gives you a meal

we’ve ever had that experience that’s

the essence of of the Abraham path but

that’s what you discovers you go into

these villages in the Middle East where

you expect hostility and you get the

most amazing hospitality all associated

with Abraham the name of father you

better even let me let me offer you some

food so what we discovered is that

Abraham is not just a figure out of a

book for those people he’s alive he’s a

living presence and to make a long story

short in the last couple of years now

thousands of people have begun to walk

parts of the path of Abraham in the

Middle East enjoying the hospitality of

the people there they begun to walk in

Israel and Palestine in Jordan in Turkey

in Syria it’s an amazing experience men

women young people old people more women

than men actually interestingly for

those who can’t walk we were unable to

get there right now people started to

organize walks in cities in their own

communities in Cincinnati for instance

they organized a walk from a church to a

mosque to a synagogue and then all had

an Abraham etic meal together it was

Abraham path day in Sao Paulo Brazil

it’s become an annual event for

thousands of people to run in a virtual

Abraham path run uniting the different

communities the media love it they

really adore it they

lavish attention on it because it’s

visual and it spreads the idea this idea

of Abrahamic hospitality of kindness

toward strangers and just a couple weeks

ago there was an NPR story on it last

month there was a piece in the in The

Guardian in the Manchester Guardian

about it to two whole pages and they

quoted a quoted a villager who said this

walk connects us to the world he said it

was like a light that went on in our

lives it brought us hope and so that’s

what it’s about

but it’s not just about psychology it’s

about economics because as people walk

they spend money and this woman right

here

uma Hamid is a woman who lives on the

path in northern Jordan she’s

desperately poor she’s partially blind

her husband can’t work she’s got seven

kids but when she can do is cook and so

she’s begun to cook for some groups of

walkers who come through the village and

have a meal in her home they sit on the

floor she doesn’t even have a tablecloth

she makes the most delicious food that’s

fresh from the herbs in the surrounding

countryside and so more and more

Walker’s have come and lately she’s

begun to earn an income to support her

family and so she told our team there

she said you have made me visible in a

village where people were once ashamed

to look at me that’s the potential of

the Abraham path there are literally

hundreds of those kind of communities

across the Middle East across the path

the potential is basically to change the

game and to change the game you have to

change the frame the way we see things

to change the frame from hostility to

hospitality from terrorism to tourism

and in that sense the Abraham path is a

game changer let me just show you one

thing I have a little acorn here that I

picked up while I was walking on the

path earlier this year

now the acorn is associated with the oak

tree of course grows into an oak tree

which is associated with Abraham

path right now is like an acorn it’s

still in its early phase

what would the oak tree look like well I

think back to my childhood a good part

of which I spent after being born here

in Chicago I would I spent in Europe if

you had been in the ruins of say London

in 1945 or Berlin and you had said 60

years from now this is going to be the

most peaceful prosperous part of the

planet people would have thought you are

certifiably insane but they did it

thanks to a common identity Europe and a

common economy so my question is if it

could be done in Europe why not in the

Middle East why not thanks to a common

identity which is a story of Abraham and

thanks to a common economy that would be

based in good part on tourism so let me

conclude then by saying that in the last

35 years as I’ve worked in some of the

most dangerous difficult and intractable

conflicts around the planet I have yet

to see one conflict that I felt could

not be transformed it’s not easy of

course but it’s possible it was done in

South Africa it was done in Northern

Ireland it could be done anywhere it

simply depends on us it depends on us

taking the third side so let me invite

you to consider taking the third side

even as a very small step we’re about to

take a break in a moment just go up to

someone who’s from a different culture a

different country a different ethnicity

some difference and engage them in a

conversation listen to them that’s a

third side act that’s walking Abraham’s

path after a TED talk why not a TED walk

so let me just leave you with three

things one is the secret to peace is the

third side the third side is us each of

us with a single step can take the world

can bring the world a step closer to

peace there’s an old African proverb

that goes when spiderwebs unite they can

halt even the lion if we’re able to

unite our third side webs of peace we

can even halt the lion of war thank you

very much