Coming Out Both Sides of the Story

when i was six

i had my first crush on a boy when i was

six i really wasn’t interested in

anybody

when i was eight my brother asked if i

supported gay marriage

and although i hadn’t really thought

about the concept i remember saying no

because i thought it was weird when i

was eight i saw a gay couple for the

first time on tv

because i had never really thought about

it before i was a little weirded out

when i was 10 i had a crush on half the

boys in class

when i was 10 i told everybody that i

had a crush on my guy best friend

when i was 12 i was just excited for

junior high and to meet new people

when i was 12 i had my first crush on a

girl

it changed everything when i was 12 i

met emilia job

who would later become my best friend i

didn’t like her very much

she was too uptight and moody when i was

12 i met sophia mullen who would later

become my best friend

i didn’t like her very much she was too

rude and insensitive

even so since moving she was the closest

friend i had

when i was 13 i came out as gay to the

first person outside of my family

when i was 13 the first person came out

to me

i’m gay i was terrified

i was shocked i felt a weight lift off

my shoulders i didn’t really get the

significance

we weren’t even that close she told me

anyway

there was no guidebook on what to do

just for little i could glean

on the internet from am i gay quizzes to

coming out videos on youtube

the few sources available to me painted

a bleak future of extremes

either everything would go perfectly or

everything would go terribly

and a world full of coming out parties

and conversion therapy camps

it was hard to picture anything else i

didn’t really know how to react

everything i was told boiled down to

just be supportive

but as time went on it became clear it

wasn’t as simple as

just be supportive i mean what does

being supportive even look like

i realized there was more to coming out

than just saying i’m gay

at first i was just happy that she

supported me

it soon became apparent however that the

perfect reaction was

the last thing i should expect

insensitive jokes sprang up and tensions

arose

i felt like she had no right to make gay

jokes to me

i didn’t understand that her

insensitivity was coming from a lack of

knowledge as opposed to a lack of care

i made jokes about it like i did any

other thing i didn’t understand why she

got so offended and upset

i was supportive of her and she knew

that so how could she take offense to

obvious jokes

i didn’t understand that the jokes were

inherently insensitive to the community

as a whole

a lack of communication was beginning to

pull our friendship apart we were both

too stubborn to compromise and listen to

the other side

i didn’t want to be friends with someone

who didn’t fully support me

i didn’t want to be friends with with

someone who was too dramatic and

couldn’t take a joke

i thought it was her job to learn how to

be supportive in the right way

i thought it was ridiculous for her to

expect me to know everything about

something brand new

it felt like every week she’d make

another offensive joke or inappropriate

comment

how could i not get mad it felt like

even after so long she hadn’t gotten the

memo

it felt like hit or miss whether she’d

get angry at something i said and i

didn’t know the trigger

like i was playing a daily game of

minesweeper it was annoying

she’d get mad move on then get mad all

over again like a never-ending cycle

a big reason for this lack of

communication and divide and

understanding

was the was the narrative that had been

perpetuated through the media

through pop culture and through everyday

life that narrative

is that coming out and being come out

too are two completely separate

experiences

when in reality they’re closely

interwoven neither side should

completely control the narrative

if the person coming out is the only one

telling the story

then it ignores the person being told

and can twist the reality of the

experience

likewise if the person being told is the

only one giving the advice then it tends

to be a very shallow description of what

the experience will be

in books and movies the common coming

out narrative goes like this

kid gets outed kid gets bullied but then

kid finds love and the whole school slow

claps

and the bullies become allies everything

is happily ever

after the message in these stories for

the person being told

is often just be supportive or be

understanding

it makes the person receiving the news

feel like they’re going to have a moment

when they suddenly understand everything

perfectly

it ignores the complexities of the other

person’s emotions and experiences

and writes off every lgbt plus person as

the same

it simplifies coming out to a matter of

support versus hate

and doesn’t allow for any nuance the

message in these stories for the person

coming out

is that they’ll either receive a fairy

tale ending or a sob story

if we fail to think of coming out as a

joint effort then we fail the people who

need the advice the most

it can lead to skewed preconceptions one

of which is thinking in extremes

my biggest mistake was thinking in

extremes

books movies the internet and school

counselors

told me stories about perfectly

accepting loved ones who knew exactly

what to say and how i was feeling

from these same sources i also heard

stories of rejection

homelessness and suicide kids getting

kicked out disowned and shunned by their

friends

i had only heard these two types of

stories for so long that eventually they

were the only ones that i could picture

for myself

my brain yo-yo between the extremes of

abysmal and perfect

when i finally did come out i was

relieved that things hadn’t gone

horribly wrong

but i was also disappointed that my

story didn’t match the ones in the

movies

although most people in my life had been

supportive of me

i would always find myself wondering why

they never said what i wanted to hear

or did what i wanted them to do because

of this expectation that had been built

she now expected me to be the perfect

ally and have the perfect reaction

despite having no experience at all

getting shut down every time i wasn’t

perfect was discouraging

it made me not want to change how i

thought these extremes are exactly that

extremes stories that are extraordinary

tend to make headlines and trending tags

when in reality they make up a minority

of experiences

with most instances of coming out

happening somewhere in the gray area

another one of our biggest mistakes was

not being willing to make an effort to

understand the other side

my inexperience made it impossible for

me to know what was over the line

if i had just asked then tensions

wouldn’t have been so high

instead of placing the responsibility of

figuring it out solely on her

if i had just explained to her what was

okay with me things wouldn’t have been

so

tense although i shouldn’t be expected

to know everything i was not entitled to

forgiveness for everything i said and

did

it was vital to make an effort to change

and adapt the way i thought

likewise just because i had been through

the struggle of being in the closet did

not mean that i was entitled to the

perfect response

whether i liked it or not no reaction

could be perfect because nobody could

read my mind

even the best people will say hurtful

things but that doesn’t make them

unsupportive at a certain point you have

to take responsibility for expanding

your understanding of the other person

whether that’s their identity who they

like or their struggles

like many other difficult conversations

and situations in life

communication can make a world of

difference

by simply putting aside your pride and

making an effort to recognize the flaws

in your thinking

you can move forward with yourself and

with others even if things don’t go

perfectly

in my experience one of the hardest

things to accept when coming out is the

fact that negative reactions

aren’t the end of the world if someone

has a negative reaction it doesn’t

automatically mean that they hate you

have faith in most people’s ability to

change it may take some people a bit of

time to come around the idea of a friend

or family member

being lgbt plus whether that’s because

of how they were raised

religion or simply a lack of experience

in the grand scheme of things whether

it’s school that job or another

situation

it’s temporary things are bound to get

better

now we understand that these extremes do

exist

there will be situations where lgbt plus

people are kicked out disowned or abused

because of their identity

and we’re not suggesting that you stay

in an unsafe or unhealthy environment on

the off chance that someone can change

sometimes the best thing you can do is

to remove yourself from a toxic

environment

while these extremes are important to

acknowledge they should not be the first

story associated with coming out they

are not as common as we’ve been led to

believe and it’s equally important to

address the middle ground

we need more realistic expectations for

both sides of the coming out

conversation because the trevor project

found that nearly 40 percent

of lgbt youth have seriously considered

suicide in the past year

a more supportive and more educated peer

or guardian can save a life

we don’t want people to have to go

through years of confusion and

disagreements like we did

just because of a lack of knowledge

today i stand here with amelia job

my best friend sometimes i still don’t

like her too much

she can be a little uptight and moody

today i stand here with sophia mullen

my best friend sometimes i still don’t

like her too much

she can be a little rude and insensitive

but her coming out brought us closer in

the end

although it can take days weeks months

or even years

and whether you’re an ally or a member

of the community it’s almost

always possible to reach a place of

understanding

thank you thank you