Coming Out Both Sides of the Story
when i was six
i had my first crush on a boy when i was
six i really wasn’t interested in
anybody
when i was eight my brother asked if i
supported gay marriage
and although i hadn’t really thought
about the concept i remember saying no
because i thought it was weird when i
was eight i saw a gay couple for the
first time on tv
because i had never really thought about
it before i was a little weirded out
when i was 10 i had a crush on half the
boys in class
when i was 10 i told everybody that i
had a crush on my guy best friend
when i was 12 i was just excited for
junior high and to meet new people
when i was 12 i had my first crush on a
girl
it changed everything when i was 12 i
met emilia job
who would later become my best friend i
didn’t like her very much
she was too uptight and moody when i was
12 i met sophia mullen who would later
become my best friend
i didn’t like her very much she was too
rude and insensitive
even so since moving she was the closest
friend i had
when i was 13 i came out as gay to the
first person outside of my family
when i was 13 the first person came out
to me
i’m gay i was terrified
i was shocked i felt a weight lift off
my shoulders i didn’t really get the
significance
we weren’t even that close she told me
anyway
there was no guidebook on what to do
just for little i could glean
on the internet from am i gay quizzes to
coming out videos on youtube
the few sources available to me painted
a bleak future of extremes
either everything would go perfectly or
everything would go terribly
and a world full of coming out parties
and conversion therapy camps
it was hard to picture anything else i
didn’t really know how to react
everything i was told boiled down to
just be supportive
but as time went on it became clear it
wasn’t as simple as
just be supportive i mean what does
being supportive even look like
i realized there was more to coming out
than just saying i’m gay
at first i was just happy that she
supported me
it soon became apparent however that the
perfect reaction was
the last thing i should expect
insensitive jokes sprang up and tensions
arose
i felt like she had no right to make gay
jokes to me
i didn’t understand that her
insensitivity was coming from a lack of
knowledge as opposed to a lack of care
i made jokes about it like i did any
other thing i didn’t understand why she
got so offended and upset
i was supportive of her and she knew
that so how could she take offense to
obvious jokes
i didn’t understand that the jokes were
inherently insensitive to the community
as a whole
a lack of communication was beginning to
pull our friendship apart we were both
too stubborn to compromise and listen to
the other side
i didn’t want to be friends with someone
who didn’t fully support me
i didn’t want to be friends with with
someone who was too dramatic and
couldn’t take a joke
i thought it was her job to learn how to
be supportive in the right way
i thought it was ridiculous for her to
expect me to know everything about
something brand new
it felt like every week she’d make
another offensive joke or inappropriate
comment
how could i not get mad it felt like
even after so long she hadn’t gotten the
memo
it felt like hit or miss whether she’d
get angry at something i said and i
didn’t know the trigger
like i was playing a daily game of
minesweeper it was annoying
she’d get mad move on then get mad all
over again like a never-ending cycle
a big reason for this lack of
communication and divide and
understanding
was the was the narrative that had been
perpetuated through the media
through pop culture and through everyday
life that narrative
is that coming out and being come out
too are two completely separate
experiences
when in reality they’re closely
interwoven neither side should
completely control the narrative
if the person coming out is the only one
telling the story
then it ignores the person being told
and can twist the reality of the
experience
likewise if the person being told is the
only one giving the advice then it tends
to be a very shallow description of what
the experience will be
in books and movies the common coming
out narrative goes like this
kid gets outed kid gets bullied but then
kid finds love and the whole school slow
claps
and the bullies become allies everything
is happily ever
after the message in these stories for
the person being told
is often just be supportive or be
understanding
it makes the person receiving the news
feel like they’re going to have a moment
when they suddenly understand everything
perfectly
it ignores the complexities of the other
person’s emotions and experiences
and writes off every lgbt plus person as
the same
it simplifies coming out to a matter of
support versus hate
and doesn’t allow for any nuance the
message in these stories for the person
coming out
is that they’ll either receive a fairy
tale ending or a sob story
if we fail to think of coming out as a
joint effort then we fail the people who
need the advice the most
it can lead to skewed preconceptions one
of which is thinking in extremes
my biggest mistake was thinking in
extremes
books movies the internet and school
counselors
told me stories about perfectly
accepting loved ones who knew exactly
what to say and how i was feeling
from these same sources i also heard
stories of rejection
homelessness and suicide kids getting
kicked out disowned and shunned by their
friends
i had only heard these two types of
stories for so long that eventually they
were the only ones that i could picture
for myself
my brain yo-yo between the extremes of
abysmal and perfect
when i finally did come out i was
relieved that things hadn’t gone
horribly wrong
but i was also disappointed that my
story didn’t match the ones in the
movies
although most people in my life had been
supportive of me
i would always find myself wondering why
they never said what i wanted to hear
or did what i wanted them to do because
of this expectation that had been built
she now expected me to be the perfect
ally and have the perfect reaction
despite having no experience at all
getting shut down every time i wasn’t
perfect was discouraging
it made me not want to change how i
thought these extremes are exactly that
extremes stories that are extraordinary
tend to make headlines and trending tags
when in reality they make up a minority
of experiences
with most instances of coming out
happening somewhere in the gray area
another one of our biggest mistakes was
not being willing to make an effort to
understand the other side
my inexperience made it impossible for
me to know what was over the line
if i had just asked then tensions
wouldn’t have been so high
instead of placing the responsibility of
figuring it out solely on her
if i had just explained to her what was
okay with me things wouldn’t have been
so
tense although i shouldn’t be expected
to know everything i was not entitled to
forgiveness for everything i said and
did
it was vital to make an effort to change
and adapt the way i thought
likewise just because i had been through
the struggle of being in the closet did
not mean that i was entitled to the
perfect response
whether i liked it or not no reaction
could be perfect because nobody could
read my mind
even the best people will say hurtful
things but that doesn’t make them
unsupportive at a certain point you have
to take responsibility for expanding
your understanding of the other person
whether that’s their identity who they
like or their struggles
like many other difficult conversations
and situations in life
communication can make a world of
difference
by simply putting aside your pride and
making an effort to recognize the flaws
in your thinking
you can move forward with yourself and
with others even if things don’t go
perfectly
in my experience one of the hardest
things to accept when coming out is the
fact that negative reactions
aren’t the end of the world if someone
has a negative reaction it doesn’t
automatically mean that they hate you
have faith in most people’s ability to
change it may take some people a bit of
time to come around the idea of a friend
or family member
being lgbt plus whether that’s because
of how they were raised
religion or simply a lack of experience
in the grand scheme of things whether
it’s school that job or another
situation
it’s temporary things are bound to get
better
now we understand that these extremes do
exist
there will be situations where lgbt plus
people are kicked out disowned or abused
because of their identity
and we’re not suggesting that you stay
in an unsafe or unhealthy environment on
the off chance that someone can change
sometimes the best thing you can do is
to remove yourself from a toxic
environment
while these extremes are important to
acknowledge they should not be the first
story associated with coming out they
are not as common as we’ve been led to
believe and it’s equally important to
address the middle ground
we need more realistic expectations for
both sides of the coming out
conversation because the trevor project
found that nearly 40 percent
of lgbt youth have seriously considered
suicide in the past year
a more supportive and more educated peer
or guardian can save a life
we don’t want people to have to go
through years of confusion and
disagreements like we did
just because of a lack of knowledge
today i stand here with amelia job
my best friend sometimes i still don’t
like her too much
she can be a little uptight and moody
today i stand here with sophia mullen
my best friend sometimes i still don’t
like her too much
she can be a little rude and insensitive
but her coming out brought us closer in
the end
although it can take days weeks months
or even years
and whether you’re an ally or a member
of the community it’s almost
always possible to reach a place of
understanding
thank you thank you